No Stupid Questions

Many communities have one or two members where the frequency of posts leads me to believe that definitely something must be going on but I don't know for sure what it is and honestly those people are the backbone of Lemmy, usually posting high quality stuff all day like it's their job. I have no reason to look into it further 😄

I am ADHD af, I am not diagnosed autistic but I share a very similar info-dump tendency that a decent amount of autistic people seem to have and it feels really similar to me, not the same thing... but yes I do this constantly...

Info dumping in person is really NOT HELPFUL most of the time for people, but when you do it online in a well written comment than actually nobody has to read the whole thing right then and there right? Somebody can skim through and pick out the parts that are useful.

Unfortunately, I am driven to info dump constantly, I don't know if I would describe it as "filling up my imagination" though I can certainly get along with that framing of it. I don't pick what I do and where I go with my ADHD, so fediverse comments are actually in my estimation one of the more productive places for me to info-dump and be myself even if it weirds people out and people frequently think I am a bot because of my strange behavior.

I am an artist, when I see blank spaces I make a mess and see what happens, as all artists do. I don't have a strong internal ability to envision things before I try them though, so I tend to impulsively try things to bring the visions to life so I can see them for myself. Neurotypical types don't tend to understand this about my art, they will not listen to me when I say I don't have a kingdom inside my head already furnished and I am just transferring it to reality as I create art. It threatens the societally accepted idea of imagination and beauty as something finely planned and executed when the heart of every great work of art is really the opposite (creativity is a flame not a blueprint).

I create to see how my intentions lead me to somewhere I didn't expect, and that creates an emotional response in me. To try to put things in your words, I create art to fill up my artistic imagination because I don't just imagine art in my head in incredible fidelity like some private magic kingdom I can retreat to. No, I create beauty by putting a pen on paper, making a mark, noticing how it was different than I imagined it would be and then reacting to that. Iterated out, these small nearly aimless moements build into an entirely different universe and honestly I think that kind of scares neurotypical people shrugs. It is the same reason European Classical music purposefully forgot improvisation as a core skill.

I think for people who have unusual minds, places like here are gardens where ideas, feelings and movements can happen that would have been otherwise repeatedly strangled by the normative demands of societal interactions in alternative, already established mediums of communication and connection.

When you have to work to fit in, when you are acutely aware of how unsustainable and incongruent society is because of how you think differently and are constantly hurt for it, that gives you a capacity to imagine entire alternative universes out of thin air that are better. You don't need to necessarily to plan it out even, it just starts to come out in bursts of creative and imaginative energy that refuse to be denied any longer by the status quo...

I just got a lotta shit to say.

I think my mastodon bio sums up my online existence pretty well

my old discord in a steamers server has HUNDREDS of my shitposts in there

I talk as much shit in person, to be honest, it's just that irl people are able to walk away.
It's much easier to corrupt minds through surprise mentions of anchovy sandwiches on the Internet.

I like to throw random thoughts out there cause I found it interesting or funny, it's nice if it gets any engagement cause I don't have anyone to talk about this stuff in real life

I infodump a ton. Part of that is to create conversation. I'm so alone. Another part is almost compulsion, where I feel like I have to tell someone about some dumb shit I found somewhere. Like some weird shit I found in the thrift store I volunteer at sometimes. Or some dumb meme I found on here (like a damn grandma lol). Doesn't get a response sometimes, just because nobody cares. That sucks, but I get over it. So yeah, probably pretty common for those with ADHD, autism, or both.

@[email protected] [email protected]

I'm not autistic (AFAIK), but I'm similarly neurodivergent. To be exact, I suspect I have Geschwind syndrome, albeit undiagnosed (and given how it's controversial among neurologists and psychiatrists, as well as how it's not easy to detect and needs to involve expensive MRI and EEG scans, I guess I'll simply die without ever being diagnosed).

Having said this, I have a complicated relationship with "social media". I constantly feel the urge to express, be it through online discussion (as I'm doing now), be it through philosophical/poetic/ritualistic writing, be it through coding, be it through drawing. It's part of the "hypergraphia" trait from the syndrome that I suspect I have.

Whenever I express or seek others' expression around a current subject of interest, it's often highly-abstract content: philosophical, religious/spiritual/esoteric/mystical/theological and scientific (hoping to find something that contains all three simultaneously). In that regard, it has to do with the "hyperreligiosity" and "philosophical rumination".

However, I have a complicated relationship with the concepts such as "human", "loneliness", "friendship", "intimacy" and "relationship". Sometimes I have the urge to express while also haveing the urge to stay alone. Similarly, I get frustrated by superficial interaction: notice how my texts are long (and not just this one, my comment history across Friendica and Calckey, the remnants of my online activity, proves my verbosity), and this requires mental energy, and seeing this energy being converted into shallow exchanges across social networks can definitely frustrate. See how I mentioned "remnants" on my parenthetical break? Sometimes I catch myself nuking my own things: my comments, posts, sometimes entire profiles, out of frustration and/or resignation. I used to have whole blogs with dozens of posts, hundred posts on Mastodon, a Bluesky profile with more than 200 posts: all nuked by myself out of impulsivity.

There's also conflict with my "current subject of interest": similar to ADHD people, sometimes I develop an almost obsessive interest (hyperfocus) around something. Decades ago, it was programming. 5y ago, it was survivalism and Eschatology studies on the biblical Apocalypse. 2y ago, it was Luciferianism, and then Lilith until recently (months ago). It was drawing, it was writing entire ritualistic poetry and chants. 2w ago, it was intensive self-teaching Morse code and ASCII hex code and alphabetic code (A=1,B=2,...). See, I can't rest mentally. And this always involve trying to express about it. This involves trying to participate. This involves trying to belong until I realize I don't, until I realize I can't, until I give up and nuke my own past efforts. So while I do post a lot in social media, it doesn't last for long until I decide for self-destruction once again because I couldn't get meaningful like-mindedness.