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AITAH For Refusing To Give My Ex “Full Access” To My Life Just Because We Co-Parent? (old.reddit.com)

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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2025-07-11 04:00:08+00:00.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/TightKale5979, account now deleted

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH For Refusing To Give My Ex “Full Access” To My Life Just Because We Co-Parent?

Trigger Warnings: infidelity, controlling behavior, stalking/harassment

Mood Spoilers: scary

Original Post (wayback machine): July 2, 2025

I (25F) have a six-month-old baby with my ex (24M), and we’ve been trying to co-parent since we split a few months ago but now he’s saying I’m being an “Asshole” for not telling him everything I do when the baby isn’t even with me.

We were together from high school (2015) up until recently. Our breakup happened shortly after I gave birth, when I found out he had been cheating with multiple women. His excuse? That I wasn’t being “sexual enough” postpartum and he had a “high libido.” Yeah… that was enough for me to walk away.

Since then, I’ve been rebuilding my life. I got more involved in my church, formed new friendships, and started feeling like myself again for the first time in a while. I’ve also done everything I can to keep things calm and respectful for the sake of our baby.

But now, he’s making it an issue that I don’t share details about my personal life with him. He says I should be more “transparent” and that it’s important for co-parenting. He wants to know who I’m hanging out with, what I’m doing, who my new friends are, even if I’m just out while he has the baby.

His reasoning? He tells me about what he’s doing, so I should do the same.

But here’s the thing: I’ve never asked him for any of that information. He voluntarily tells me, “I’m about to hang out with this girl,” or “I’ve been seeing someone new” even when our child is not in his care at the time. It’s his personal time, and I’ve told him I don’t need or want those updates. Yet now he’s acting like because he shares that info with me, I owe him the same level of openness, even though I’ve never requested it and it’s unrelated to our child.

He’s also been following some of my new friends on social media and asking me questions about them. My account is private, so I don’t know how he’s even finding them. I suspect he’s using a burner account or he’s viewing my church’s page who posts pictures of me and the people I hang out with at times.. I had to ask them to stop posting me (we have a photography team that takes pictures during service or after service and post them online for media purposes ) for a while because I believe he was using those posts to find my friends and follow them. He’s never reached out to any of them, but the whole thing feels really creepy and invasive. It’s crossing a boundary for me.

I’ve talked to some friends about this, and their opinions are mixed. Some say he has a point that we should be transparent with each other since we share a child. Others think he’s overstepping and that this isn’t part of normal co-parenting, especially since our child hasn’t met any of these people and I’m not dating anyone right now.

Even my mom is siding with him. She’s liked him since we were together in high school, and anytime we argued, she tended to take his side and ask what I did wrong. Now she’s saying I should be open about who I’m hanging out with, to better “co-parent”. That makes me question myself even more.

I’m not trying to be an “asshole” or difficult. I believe in healthy boundaries. If someone’s going to be around my child, I’ll share that. But just living my life and seeing friends when my baby isn’t with me? I don’t think I owe him a play-by-play.

So now I’m wondering AITAH for keeping parts of my life private from my child’s father when it doesn’t involve our child?

✨ Edit to add ✨

Wow, I genuinely didn’t expect this post to get the attention it has (I know everyone says that, but seriously I thought maybe four people would comment). Thank you so much to everyone who’s taken the time to give advice or even just offer support. I’ve been reading through everything, and it’s given me a lot to think about.

A lot of people have mentioned co-parenting apps, which I honestly didn’t know much about before but I’ll definitely be looking into that. Having a structured and more monitored way to communicate feels like something I really need at this point.

There’s no court order in place right now, but I’ve been heavily considering it. Lately, he’s been more and more insistent about knowing the details of my personal life especially if he thinks I’m spending time with male friends. He doesn’t just ask casually, he demands to know who I’m with, even when the baby’s not involved at all. I personally don’t feel like I owe him that kind of access, but it’s becoming a consistent pressure, and I’m starting to feel like court might be the only way to establish clear boundaries.

Some people have asked why my mom seems to be on his side. I touched on this in a comment, but for context: my mom has always been very male-centered. She tends to take the man’s side in most situations she did the same thing to my sister during her marriage issues. When I told her about the cheating, her response was, “Well, men don’t just cheat for no reason. What weren’t you doing?” She’s never really supported me in situations like this. I also think a lot of it stems from her own past my dad cheated on her a lot, and she stayed with him. She genuinely sees cheating as something “normal” that couples should just work through. So no, she wasn’t supportive of me leaving my ex, and she still says I should’ve given him more attention during that time.

On top of that, some people mentioned the possibility that he’s only sharing info about the girls he sees to make me jealous and honestly, I 1000% believe that. I never ask him about what he’s doing when the baby’s not with him, but he offers up these updates like, “Oh I’m hanging out with this girl” or “I’ve been seeing someone.” I think he expected me to react, but I really don’t care and I think the fact that I’m not reacting is what’s frustrating him, so now he’s trying to flip the script and demand transparency from me.

Also… some of y’all suspect my mom might be feeding him info about me and I hate to say it, but I wouldn’t be surprised. She watches my baby sometimes when I go to church events or other things like that, and her and my ex are still Facebook friends & I believe she still has his number … She does brings him up constantly, even saying stuff like, “he’s way cuter than the guy you said was cute” and things like that. So yeah, I wouldn’t be shocked if she’s told him I’ve been out, or who I might be with. I am taking a step back from her and what I tell her and taking a step back from having her watch my child for the time being.

Anyway, thanks again for all the insight. I really appreciate it it’s helped me feel a lot less crazy for being uncomfortable with all this.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA He is just trying to control you. He doesn’t get to do that anymore.

Commenter 2: This. He’s abusive, and it’s SO GOOD that you’re not with him anymore. Even the fact that he “offers” information it’s part of his controlling and manipulative behaviour (“I told you this, you need to do the same”, “I need to know who are you hanging out with so I know my child is safe”, etc.). DO NOT fall for that. Limit your contact with him ONLY to matters that concern your son. I believe there are apps for that? Finally, look out for yourself. Once you enforce your boundaries, he may become more abusive. Unfortunately your mom is not your ally, but you need a support network who you can trust with this. Best of luck!

OOP: I definitely agree with what you said. It’s like he’s purposely trying to make me jealous by telling me about all these women he’s hanging out with. I agree he may not handle it well when I start seeing someone new. Today, he insisted I was seeing someone new and demanded to know his name. He also wanted to know my guy friends’ names because he doesn’t trust them, thinking they have “bad intentions” and that guys and girls can’t just be friends.

Commenter 3: NTA he’s being controlling. He forgot that when you start screwing around behind someone’s back and they leave you because you are a worthless sack of shit, you don’t get to have access to their life any more. Keep your life separate. I’d be asking him to stop sharing so much of his life with you. He’s toxic. It’s tough that you need to co-parent but keep yourself as separate as possible. Your mother is a fool. If she shares details of your life with your ex then stop sharing so much with your mother, who should be on your team. Why isn’t she?

OOP: Honestly, she’s always been like this. Very male-centered. It’s something I only recently started to really piece together. She’s the type who’ll say “men don’t cheat for no reason” and ask what I did wrong, even when I was the one being cheated on. She did the same thing with my sister too during her own issues. So I usually don’t tell her much anymore I’m kind of pulling back from those convos just for my own sanity. It sucks, but it is w...

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[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 day ago (2 children)

OOP: Honestly, she’s always been like this. Very male-centered. It’s something I only recently started to really piece together. She’s the type who’ll say “men don’t cheat for no reason” and ask what I did wrong, even when I was the one being cheated on. She did the same thing with my sister too during her own issues. So I usually don’t tell her much anymore I’m kind of pulling back from those convos just for my own sanity. It sucks, but it is what it is.

Commenter 4: Just to play devil's advocate here for a moment. Your post paints your ex possessive and intrusive asking about your life and trying to make you jealous by telling you about his life and his new dates in the guise of "openness." Here's the thing, you do share a child and as much as it pains you listening to your ex about who he is dating, knowing who might have access to your kid though your husband is something that you NEED to get nosy about. Your ex is asking about your life, in so much as it concerns who has access to his kid that is a good thing, that would show that he is a good dad that is worried about his kid when his kid isn't with him, as all good parents do. Have a real talk with him and set boundaries, not just for each other but, for who you both bring around your kid. (really helps if you have a 3rd party there to mediate) If he is a good dad, this can go well. If he is just a terrible person, well now, you have been the reasonable person and you have a witness that he's just doing this to make you uncomfortable and he's a jerk

OOP: I appreciate the perspective, and I do agree that knowing who’s around your child is valid when it actually involves the child. But just to clarify, I feel like this part keeps getting overlooked, the issue isn’t him asking about people who are around our kid. He asks about who I’m with when the child isn’t even in my care. Like, for example, it’ll be a Friday night, our baby is with him, and he’s texting me asking who I’m with, where I am, and how I know them. That has nothing to do with co-parenting that’s just invasive imo. If this was solely about who was physically around our child, I could at least understand that being a discussion point. But he doesn’t stop at a name or even a general heads-up. He wants to know who they are, where I met them, how long I’ve known them, if they have an Instagram, what church they go to, etc. It’s not concern it’s a full interrogation. And for the record, I’ve never brought anyone around our child that he hasn’t met or wouldn’t be safe around. I’m extremely cautious about that. What makes this all feel even more off is that he’s taken the names of people I’ve casually mentioned or who appear in church posts with me, and found them and followed them on social media sometimes from what I assume is a burner account, since my page is private. That goes beyond “just being a good dad.” That’s invasive. That’s boundary-crossing. So no one is saying that he shouldn’t care about his child’s safety but there’s a big difference between healthy boundaries in co-parenting and using the kid as an excuse to keep tabs on your ex’s personal life. I’m open to having a real conversation about boundaries when it comes to introducing future partners to our child I agree that’s important. But this feel like something else entirely..

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Update (wayback machine): July 4, 2025 (two days later)

Mini Update : AITA for refusing to give my ex “full access” to my life just because we co-parent?

Hello again, I didn’t expect my original post to get the kind of attention it did, but I just wanted to post a quick update and say thank you to everyone who took the time to comment, give feedback, and share resources. This whole situation has been overwhelming, and your support really gave me the confidence to start seeing things more clearly.

Now onto the update:

Unfortunately, things have taken a turn… During our most recent drop-off, my child’s father started demanding once again that I tell him where I go, who I’m with, and who I hang out with in my personal time even when our child isn’t with me. I stood my ground and told him, very plainly, that I’m not interested in hearing about his personal life, and I’m not obligated to share mine either. Unless it’s a conversation directly involving our child, I’m not engaging.

He then responded by saying (I tried to cut this conversation off beforehand to no avail) that if I have friends over at my apartment even if it’s just a hangout or if I attend church events that he wants to be physically present during those moments to “monitor who’s around our child.” He then said if I don’t start sharing more about what I do and who I’m with, he’s going to pursue full legal and physical custody.

I’ve never really been through the legal system before, but I’m going to reach out to a caseworker or a family attorney this coming week.

✨A lot of people had follow-up questions or offered suggestions, so I just wanted to respond to a few things that came up repeatedly: ✨

I’ve started looking into parenting apps and legal steps.

That was something I hadn’t really considered before or really knew much about, but after how things have gone so far, I know it’s necessary.

To those asking about my mom yeah, that dynamic has always been hard.

She’s sided with him since high school. Even when I told her about the cheating, she responded with “well, men don’t cheat for no reason.” It’s been tough realizing she’s not the kind of support system I need, but I’m distancing myself emotionally and being more careful with what I share.

As for the jealousy/manipulation theory…

A lot of people have pointed out that he might be trying to make me jealous by constantly bringing up other women, and I agree. I also think he’s using this so-called honesty and straightforwardness as a guise to get information about my personal life. This does feel manipulative because he’s creating a one-sided demand for transparency.

No, we don’t have a custody agreement in place yet.

But I am taking steps to speak with a caseworker or attorney.

Some suspect my mom may be giving him info and honestly, I wouldn’t doubt it.

She and my ex are still friends on Facebook. There’ve been instances where he knows things that weren’t posted publicly, but were known by her.

✨Again, thank you all for helping me feel seen and less crazy in all this. If anyone has experience navigating custody arrangements or parenting apps, please share. Also, if you’ve ever had to juggle expenses from situations like this (going to court/seeking legal representation) any advice is greatly appreciated. ✨.

As Requested: As Requested By Some Redditors

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 day ago

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Your mum is telling him everything. Limit her access to your social media dn put her on an information diet. Speak to the caseworker to make custody situation official to stop him kidnapping your kid. Look into the parenting app and consider a restraining order as his behaviour keeps escalating. Also are u going out on dates or seeing someone just now.? ( as if this is the case and u told your mum , that will mean he will probably escalate to stalking you as well) Good luck. Hope u get a positive outcome

OOP: So, I’m not dating or seeing someone right now, but my ex seems to think I am. I have no idea why he thinks that, but he’s convinced that I’m seeing someone.

Commenter 2: If you're in a One Party State (where only one of you needs to know you're recording), start recording phone calls and in person interactions. If you have a dash cam in your car, you can have that running while you talk with him, just make sure the audio is being picked up, and stand where the camera can see both of you while getting the audio as well. I believe that Dash Cam Video doesn't require the second party's consent, as it's a safety feature for your vehicle, but double check that with an attorney, as each State has different views on those laws. TRY to keep all communication to texts, voicemails, and emails, that way it's documented. If you can't, and you are NOT in a One Party State, open each conversation with "I'm recording this call for my own purposes. If you do not consent, please end this conversation and take it to email or text instead." That way you're covered by Second Party Consent, and him and your Mom both have the option to end the conversation there, and they can choose to text or email instead. In other words, flip the narrative on them. They want to manipulate, you do the same. Whatever you do! DO NOT ENGAGE WITH ANGER! My ex-husband would CONSTANTLY do and say things to cause me to get angry with him! That CAN be used against you in court! If they're doing everything they can to push you to get angry with them, end all communication with a VERY CALM response of "I am not going to continue this conversation in this manner. If you cannot be civil, I am hanging up/walking away/leaving" (whichever fits the situation). Essentially you are a "favorite toy that is refusing to play the game" his way, so he's trying to regain control over you, and he's using your Mom as the "control factor". He wants you to "fall in line", and believes your Mom has the power to make you do what he wants. Don't give in to it. Stay strong, get an attorney, and document everything with a vengeance.

OOP: Thank you so much for this. I actually completely forgot that I have a dash cam in my car, and after reviewing some of the footage this morning, I discovered something really unsettling my ex has been parking outside my apartment building multiple times this past week. I never noticed this until now, which again is quite unsettling. I also really appreciate the reminder about recording laws. I’m in a one-party consent state, so moving forward I’m going to start recording phone calls and in-person interactions. I’m also transitioning as much communication as possible to text and email to keep a clear paper trail especially since he often twists conversations later on. The part you said about staying calm really resonated. He absolutely tries to get a rise out of me, and it’s becoming clearer that it’s all about control. I’ve been reminding myself to treat our interactions like business short, direct, and only about our child. And you’re totally right about my mom too. I’ve blocked her on Facebook and will have limited contact with her going forward. Thank you again. Your advice was really helpful.

I do believe he’s trying to provoke a reaction from me. Back when we were together, he’d do the same thing accusing me of things, just to get under my skin. I remember how worked up I used to get trying to defend myself over and over, even though I had nothing to hide. Now that we’re not together, it feels like he’s still using those same tactics, hoping I’ll react emotionally so he can turn the narrative against me. It’s taken me a while, but I’m learning how important it is not to play into it. I’ve stopped defending myself when there’s nothing to defend, and I try to stay as neutral and calm as possible during our exchanges. It’s frustrating, for sure but I know losing my cool is exactly what he wants. If anything, seeing this behavior continue now that we’re broken up just confirms how necessary it is to start drawing firmer boundaries. The patterns haven’t changed only now I’m more aware, and I’m not letting myself be pulled into the chaos.

Commenter 3: Dropping of at the Police station is Good Advice OP.It puts him on notice …

OOP: Our recent drop off was at a police station, I felt that would be best since he’s been acting so irrationally lately.

Commenter 4: YTA for not putting your mom on an info diet as soon as you knew she took your ex’s side. She is absolutely providing him with information so stop it! I do love how Redditors rallied to get you to see the danger and advised what to do. Good luck OP

OOP: To clarify I’ve never given my mother direct information. When she is caring for my child, I may mention I’m going to a church event or out with friends. The first time I noticed a potential leak of information, I stopped telling her even that tiny bit of information. I’ve never given her specific details. I believe she gets most of my information & who I’m hanging out with from my Facebook account, which I didn’t consider until recently. She is blocked & I no longer leave my child in her care.

Commenter 5: A judge will laugh his ass right out of court if he tries that. And will probably make him pay YOUR lawyer.

OOP: I did some digging into the judge who usually handles these cases in my county, and from everything I’ve seen and even witnessed firsthand, he tends to rule in favor of the father even when there’s clear evidence of abuse or unsafe behavior. There were multiple cases where women had proof of stalking, violence, or harassment, and he still denied them restraining orders or VPOs, saying they needed to “work it out for the child’s sake.” I was even in court with a friend last year, and I watched him deny almost everyone’s request for protection even women in tears with solid evidence. So I’m genuinely nervous because I don’t think this judge is as reasonable as most people would expect. And yeah, you’re absolutely right about my mom. She’s officially on an info diet starting today. I’m also updating all my privacy settings because I can’t afford for anything to leak back to him.

Editor's note: marking this inconclusive because OOP has deleted their account, and we won't know any further updates

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