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‘An uphill battle’: why are midlife men struggling to make – and keep – friends?
(www.theguardian.com)
this post was submitted on 10 Jul 2025
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Mental Health
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As a straight man, every straight man I've ever been friends with has eventually simply made me so tired to be around them.
Like, times are hard. But then we just collectively... have unmet needs, and so many of us deal so badly with them. It just seems like straight men inevitably make it everyone else's problem.
I have heard the same old thing so many times-- to have a friend, be a friend. Reach out. Listen, be empathetic, blah blah blah. And I wind up hanging out with some douchebag thinking to myself why am I in the same room with this fucking guy. Before I know it he's drunk or desperate for a long, long hug from being so touch starved, or he lets his guard down and casually says some slur. I don't have the patience to be friends with straight men. I don't have the patience to start to try.
I also find many men to be extremely exhausting. I basically lost all my male friends since 2020. The majority of them just refused to look inwards to address their mental health. The few who did make efforts to work on their mental health still managed to say some wildy fucked up things that made me stop trying to stay connected.
Nearly all of them are trapped in a cycle of complaining about the same mistakes they continue to make. There's no going forward. I no longer have the energy to stay around that mindset.
Since then I've turned to the queer community and I've begun meeting genuine people who I feel comfortable being around. The connection I feel with them has been deep and has happened so quickly. It's a feeling that has been completely absent with any male friends I've had in the past.
It would be nice to teach any lonely guy to not be so afraid of anything or anyone that is different. Sadly they wouldn't want to listen. It's simply too easy to spread blame and continue to complain.
I guess we're kinda forced to do some self reflecting, at the cost of being mentally fucked up from being hunted for sport by right wingers
From my experience, it's hard to help others if I can't help myself first. After doing some intense self reflection, it's helped me to understand the type of solidarity I need to look out for in the future.
At the very least, I can be more mentally prepared to take future opportunities that rise up. Although deep down I feel that I'm going to have to a lot more to defend the vulnerable and those that I deeply care about.
If more people were willing to fight through the pain and discomfort of self reflection, solidarity against the powerful few wouldn't seem like such an intimidating mountain. But that's just what I believe.