Relationship Advice

First off, didn't know if I should post this here, or over on the mental health board. Being focused on the interpersonal, though, I'll slap it here. Please lemme know if I should take it outside.

Second, and as a preface (maybe even the main hint I should've taken, but we'll see later on), I'm looking for a nuanced answer. I have been told that "I should go vegan if I'm allergic to veal" a lot of times before, but to my mind it's way too vehement a change for something which, as dictated by my gut, holds more nuance than that. I know it's not the standard way of doing things, but it's how I want to try to do them for now, at least.

Thirdly, I say everything from my perspective, I state solely my opinion, and draw conclusions exclusively based on my limited set of experiences, so please don't take anything I say as universally applicable or as supreme truth, because I don't, either.

So, ok, onward to the thick of it. It's about my pattern in attraction and in choosing potential partners. So far, I've primarily ended up in pretty toxic relationships, even when consciously and actively seeking something healthier as guided by my therapists. It's usually been the anxious <> avoidant dance with varying comorbid ancillaries such as reciprocally triggering each others' trauma responses, codependent <> BPD, etc., etc.

Now, my problem with all of this is that while I can recognise the mismatches and pain points when I see them - I've, unfortunately, become familiar with the dynamics of this situation, as well as the plethora of tiny little variations brought about by the different typologies of trauma clusters, I seem to be attracted primarily to characteristics which, so far, seem to be a package deal with the aforementioned unpleasantness. Even called out several incoming landmines to my therapists based on instinct in some previous relationships, which meant I started to manage avoiding the shitstorm which inevitably occurs at one point as this type of dynamic unfolds.

To note that I keep an eye out for red flags, as realistically and as attentively as possible, because I have physical abuse on my Bingo card and really don't want to have to go through hiding sharp things in my house so that my partner won't have easy access to any again. I really want something safe for myself, if anything at all, and am genuinely trying. But this shit pops up even months later, with no outward signs beforehand, and I have no idea how to account for things I can't see.

This, then, is my question: am I intrinsically attracted to that which harms me like a magnet, unconsciously, do I have fuck-me-up-dar? Or is there a possibility of having the cake and eating it, too, like, meet someone who is thoroughly fucked up (as am I), but who is keeping it in check? Because, yes, I am attracted to the existential grit brought about by hardships. I like someone with dirty hands, someone who has good reasons to not be optimistic or generally cheerful, someone who has seen the things beneath the flesh and is now knee-deep in the abyss. Being miserable together is beautiful and nothing can dissuade me of it. Can the two exist separately?

Because I tried going for the "safer" people and, without the slightest intent of condescension, it always ended up feeling very platonic on my end. It felt like interacting with an immense innocence and I couldn’t allow myself to unfold, as it would’ve been like exposing dandelions to high levels of radiation to my mind. I couldn’t reach romance, as my romance is inextricably and irredeemably influenced by who I am. My love, though sincere, is tarnished and more than a bit charred. And I don’t want to be a loved one’s harsh reality, that is one role which I wholeheartedly avoid playing. Which is why I seek someone likewise tarnished and more than a bit charred. I even tried “same, but different,” in which personality varied greatly from my base while still presenting some behavioural common ground, and I ended up receiving the aforementioned physical abuse…

I also welcome (and thank you for) any other insights you may have pertaining to this situation, even if not directly related to my question!

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My boyfriend (m) and i (f) have been together of just about two years and we are going through a rough patch lately. We’ve been fighting a lot, and talking about going to couples counseling. It’s been exhausting, and unfortunately, i noticed he lets it affect special occasions too.

(This post is about my birthday but i will include valentines bc it was very recent, is similiar and could provide insight) The days before valentines, we were in the middle of a fight again, but i still went out of my way to get him something—even though i don’t have a car and had to ask someone to drive me. He, on the other hand, didn’t get me anything. Not even flowers (he knows i adore flowers). When i told him i was upset about that, he said it was because we were fighting that he didnt get anything. ...okay, but that didn’t stop me, did it? (Last valentines when we weren't fighting he also didnt get me anything though so)

After that, we settled things for a bit and were doing fine, but two weeks before my birthday, we got into the same argument again (its one reocurring issue). We weren’t talking much, but obviously, we both knew my birthday was coming up—it’s something he knows is really important to me.

A few days before my birthday, he said something so hurtful that i just hit my limit. I told him not to bother me on my birthday because i was so exhausted from fighting. He said that made him sad because he had wanted to spend time together and was drawing something for me. I told him: "i don’t want to see how nice you can be to me for one day and know that it’s all going to be over after this day ends."

Fast forward to my birthday. First thing, that he messages me was not to say something nice or make me feel special. Instead, he brings up our ongoing fight. Then after that, he says, “i know we aren’t on good terms, but i did want to wish you a happy birthday.” and congratulated me and that was it.

The entire rest of the day? Nothing. No messages. No checking in. He didn’t show me the drawing he said he was working on. just… silence. and yeah, he sent me flowers, but they arrived two days late. and honestly, i was expecting some kind of gift, not just flowers. Because if i had been in his position, even if we were fighting, i would’ve still wanted to show him that he mattered to me. (like i did on valentines day)

Now, i know i told him not to bother me BUT:

• 1. he already ignored that when he messaged me to bring up something regarding our fight.
• 2. how could he just… go along with it? he knows i don’t have any friends where i live. he knows i was most certainly going to be all alone that day. If the roles were reversed, i would have immediately known he was just saying that out of anger and hurt, and i wouldn’t have let him spend his birthday alone. Its not even asking him to read my mind or anything its just. it doesnt take a lot to read inbetween the lines...

I’d like to add that, overall, he is a generous guy and sometiems gives me gifts randomly (and im always thankful!). But when it comes to occasions that actually matter to me to be celebrated/shown you care about the other he just… falls flat or is empty handed. It’s very confusing to me...

so, am i overreacting by feeling really hurt that he just let me be alone on my birthday and didnt even get me anything? or is this on me because i told him not to reach out?

thankful for any feedback ;(

I want some unbiased opinions so I will try to write this from a third person perspective.

There are two friends and they have the kind of relationship where they are open about everything and talk about everything. You could say that it's similar in its depth to a familial relationship or a partnership. We will cal them friend X and friend S.

X is going through a lot and therefore is emotionally overwhelmed at times. S is also going through a lot, but not nearly to the same degree. Both friends are neurodivergent (adhd) but friend S is neurodivergent in a way that is probably more problematic for social interactions.

Both friends mostly interact over text, which S claims is a medium that lacks the nuance of other conversational mediums such as voice, video or real life. Friend X is prone to outbursts of rage over text and Friend S believes that this is because the medium lacks the nuance that could indicate for Friend S that Friend X is about to burst and therefore change their behavior.

I'm sorry that this is kind of dry and robotic, but I really want to get an unbiased perspective, which is very hard when you write things in your own words.

Now here is the issue. When X bursts, S usually would apologize but try to indicate that the conversation lacked the nuance that was needed to understand that this is an explosive topic. And friend x has in the past said that they will try to be clear about how they feel before reaching the point of an outburst.

X doesn't accept this argument and ends up blaming S for lacking emotional intelligence. S on the other hand feels that accusing them of being emotionally unintelligent is insulting and unproductive, while X claims that saying that is just defensive and avoiding responsibility.

You don't have to say who is right or wrong in this situation, but I would like to understand if calling someone emotionally unintelligent can be productive or is it just straight up like calling them dumb as they might claim.

Hello,

So I’m with this guy for the past 4 ish months now, he’s so sweet and the best guy I’ve ever met. I usually don’t fall / catch feelings because I’m so traumatized of my past with my ex and male figures in my life but I fell so hard for him. We both really like each and want to make it work. We spoke two days ago in person (he was visiting for work) and he felt bad because he mentioned he might not be able to offer me as much attention and time being so far and with his work but I told him it’s okay. Hes only gone for 11 months but i really want to make this work but I’m so scared of being hurt.

I know this is toxic but sometimes I do look through his following list and I saw he liked this girls posts but I don’t care. He was following this girl who post thirst pics or whatever but I actually told him about it and how I felt and he was so caring and understanding and he unfollowed. I wouldn’t want someone liking a girls picture and I wouldn’t do the same (I guess that’s just a boundary of mine).. after I saw the other post which was literally just a girl posing nothing bad no cleavage nothing, I’m not sure why I got upset. I didn’t tell him but I did tell him that it will be a boundary of mine to like opposite genders posts unless it’s like celebrating or something good and he agreed, he also stated he wouldn’t want me liking a guys post. I don’t see a point to it. So that’s out the way and sorted. Part of me is still worried, I know I’m being dramatic but I’m not sure why it makes me sick to my stomach when I see stuff like that. I am a bit insecure yeah and I’m working on it but my ex used to tell me he would watch girls twerking and compare me to them to my face so I feel like I’ve always been compared my whole life. I told him this and he understood me 100%. He’s the best and I don’t want to lose him.

Ok anyways my main concern is how lonely I will be. I feel depressed pretty often but I try to hide it and I do a good job, I like to make people laugh and I seem like a bubbly person when I’m around you but sometimes I just feel really alone. It is really really hard when I like him so much and we won’t be seeing each other for 6 or more weeks, it hurts so much. He left yesterday and I’m already hurting and thinking of how I will kill time. I am in school but my schedule is still not that busy. I have attachment anxiety too and I’m always worried someone will get bored/leave me. He knows this. He’s very respectful and caring. We both care a lot for each other which is why I need to fix my shit because I don’t want to ruin anything. I am sad when he’s gone but I’d also be sad if he’s gone forever. How do I work through my insecurities/fear and be stable without being able to see him often? I really need advice. I only have one main friend I don’t hang out with anyone else so that’s why I feel a bit lonely :/

I just want to know how I can get over this caring about social media because I hate it. I know it doesn’t mean anything but I need to know how to stop this cycle too.

I call her like once a week AT MOST and it's usually after she messages me asking how I am.

I don't take initiative anymore cause literally every time I call her she tells me she's busy and doesn't have time to talk to me or it's not a good time for her (it's never a fucking good time for her).

She doesn't even work she's retired now but she's constantly busy with taking care of her garden and doing renovations with my dad. And generally being his asswipe (she is the only one who cooks or cleans or plans or organizes anything, while they both worked their whole lives, to the point where she can't leave my dad alone EVER because otherwise WHO WILL COOK FOR HIM and he throws a fucking tantrum, also he can't FUCKING DRIVE and refuses to learn so my mom has to do that too ALL THE TIME)

Anyway even when she does message me she doesn't care to talk on the phone cause she's fucking busy. I'm their ONLY CHILD.

To top it all off my dad has recently gone fucking batshit insane. I mean he's usually a fucking dick but lately he's been unhinged as fuck because he has been drinking more. He's literally constantly power tripping, yelling like a fucking maniac over the smallest shit, he's fucking insufferable.

Sorry but my mom is a fucking moron and I don't see her ever leaving him. God their lives are so fucking miserable. I'd rather die in a fucking ditch than end up with a POS abuser like my dad.

He also has some mental illness where everything has to be perfect, so instead of finishing their renovations in a year or two tops, so that my mom can have a FUCKING KITCHEN or a NORMAL PLACE TO SLEEP (she's fucking old now, and has been slaving away for him her whole life) he has been taking 5 FUCKING YEARS for some basic renovations and he is NOWHERE NEAR FINISHED.

Also he is SUPER FRUGAL to the point where he is fucking miserable to live with and makes everyone's life fucking worse except his own.

I've been having a lot of guilt about leaving this shithole country and leaving them behind to fucking die alone. As much as they're pieces of shit they're still my parents and at least my mom loves me in her own fucking demented way.

On the other hand what the fuck do I need to stay here for if I can't even get them on the phone?????? And they've never given a FUCK about my needs, feelings or what I want, they've never fucking supported me in ANYTHING. I'm so fucking pissed at life

I got a message on LinkedIn about a job, it seems legit. The issue is as soon as I replied, she basically told me to apply as quickly as possible because it's time sensitive.

I don't know why this kind of rubs me the wrong way, I guess because I'm in a different time zone and I'm expected to literally drop everything for a job I might not even have an actual chance for.

Also she is the person who I would be working with, my potential future boss, and also the co owner of the company.

Am I overreacting? It just seems unnecessarily stressful idk. Also I'm very afraid of red flags now cause I ignored them at my last company and it was a nightmare.

Maybe it’s because a lot of them are girls, but they’re like this with guys too. They are very touchy with each other, but it seems awkward if it’s with me.

I’ve asked for permission and they said they don’t like physical contact, so I obviously don’t.

My friends overall seem closer with each other than with me, but I just find it kind of interesting that they make physical contact a lot but not with me (ex: hugging, holding hands, grabbing arm, etc.)

If someone could help me out, that’d be greatly appreciated! I’m not trying to judge, I genuinely don’t understand, which is why I’m asking here. I do understand some cases such as: “Sorry, I only really allow my boyfriend to do that stuff with me”.

seeking advice

Me (26/F) and my husband (33/M) has been married for 3.5 years and we both work from home. he is a programmer and for the last 5 months I began to learn create some things he need for his game that he's creating (which he asked and encouraged me to do) so I've been experiencing some grate changes (I never did anything with technology I was a writer and a literature nerd before). we shared everything from the beginning and I need to mention he always made much more money than me and even now we are living on his savings which are good. and I always do the cooking and cleaning and laundry and feeding our dog and basically everything around the house.

The problem began when once several months ago when I asked him if he can make his own coffee just once, he argued that he is the one working and trying to make money (I was unemployed at that time) so I should have some responsibility and do the things in the house and I wasn't doing enough (our dog shed a lot and I didn't have the time to vacuum yet and didn't make coffee). I didn't say anything and agreed that since i'm not doing anything else i would take care of the house. but i'm not always so clean and although i prepare every meal on time but my kitchen sometimes gets messy but the mess wouldn't stay more than 1/2 days. since then we had this conversation a few other times that the house isn't always clean enough and I acknowledged I'm a little messy and I'll try better.

So since I began to learn and create the things he asked in my computer, I had less time to clean the house, also i need to mention I'm not very fast in this new area and my work goes on a little slow. two days ago he was going out for a swim in the pool and at last minute he turned back and said to me: "I wish my wife would surprise me with a cleaned vacuumed floor when I come back" and without any thought I answered: "well you never surprise me with a clean floor when i come home, and i'm doing stuffs too" . he got angry and said "you don't do anything and left. when he came back he didn't talk or answer me and angrily went vacuuming and then throw the vacuum with great anger that I thought it's definitely broken. then I went to bed and didn't eat for one day, he didn't even checked if i was alive, not until after he heard me vomiting (i have stomach problem and it happened cause i didn't eat) and then he called my mom and said: " she (me) is not feeling well can you bring us some food?!" when i asked him in the middle of my pain that tell her not to come and she'll get nervous seeing me like this he answered:" I want her to come because i didn't eat from last night at least somebody will cook for me." (he had dinner and launch and was lying to punish me for not cooking). anyway my mom came and i got better and that night passed... I gave him every meal on time yesterday and today and we are not talking at all, not a single word from that night, i just give him food and he eats and he's not even working anymore, just watching TV with frowning all the time.

I feel so invalid and I wanted to ask is it true that the one who don't have a job has to do everything in the house alone and say nothing? is he right to demand everything without any help just because we live with his money? I'm confused and I need straightforward frank answers. I feel my emotions has been disvalued in many ways in the last couple of years. I need to know what to do to make things ok, thanks for bear reading this.

PS I think my post isn't shown, let me know

I (40M) love my wife (35F) very much. She makes me smile every day. Even days when I've been mad at her, she still made me smile at some point.

Her childhood was....bad. Her family situation is still bad. She's recently gone no-contact after toeing the line for a long time.

Our physical relationship has always been a little weird. She doesn't like being touched by anyone, and while I'm obviously an exception I can also tell it's still uncomfortable for her. But more than that I crave the type of gentle touch that she dislikes the most.

And while we've had plenty of sex over the course of our relationship, she is now at a point in therapy and recovery where she feels comfortable saying that she simply isn't interested. Maybe she never was. She's still figuring that all out.

I know she loves me and she knows I love her. And we've talked about this. She has tentatively okayed me getting what I need elsewhere, as long as I keep her informed.

But that was a while ago now. And I have no idea how to even begin with that.

If I'm being completely honest, if it were legal where I live, I'd pay for a girlfriend experience once in a while and continue on with my happy marriage. I just need the feeling that I haven't been touched in months to get resolved 😥

So I guess I'm asking how would you handle being a 40yo man exploring some form of polyamory for the first time who wants to be doted on a bit?

I thought to just make a public post about this. I’ve seen many people get married with the vows “Death Do Us Part”

This is a good vow don’t get me wrong but I’d encourage finding an alternative that doesn’t include death unless you truly mean it. What this entails if you mean it,

If someone cheats. The other partner has the right to kill them, if one tries leaving without mutual agreement. The other one can kill them. It’s not about anything unhealthy but two people collectively agreeing to a statement.

If you don’t want that then something like Till Time Do Us Part.

This way there is no death involved and your relationship isn’t built on a false and shallow promise.

Like any weddings I go to. I will call out, if they ever ask if anyone opposes. Then I’ll explain this.

I already asked about this once but I have an additional episode...

I bump into this guy sometimes, we've made small talk occasionally and he always makes me very nervous. He's nice and all, but when I get home I always burst into tears. It's never happened to me before.

Lately I've noticed him around with this girl who I believe to be his gf, and he'll always turn to look at me from afar and she'll then follow, turning to look at me too. This could be casual, but it's made me uncomfortable cause I was already worried about how I might have come off to him during our previous interactions.

last time I bumped into them, I was trying not to engage with him but I was visibly uncomfortable (at least that's my impression). When I looked at him he was staring at me with a raised eyebrow and, sadly, he seemed even disgusted... I think he saw from my expression that I felt sorry about being weird and he "softened", but I get anxious everytime I know I might bump into him. I really don't understand what's going on with me.

I'm 26 and I used to be shy when a teen but I had outgrown this sort of behaviour, I'm feeling pretty bad about this.

My friend Amelia has been pretty irritable lately. According to Ana, Amelia is obsessed with her.

Amelia gets upset when someone else is sitting next to Ana. Even if that seat is assigned, Amelia gets mad and tells the other person “Excuse me, that’s my seat”.

Amelia doesn’t like sitting with anyone else unless it’s Ana. If someone gives Amelia a gift, she’ll be like, “nah, you keep it”. If Ana, however, takes the gift and gives it to her, she wants it because it’s from Ana.

If Ana tells her not to do something or mildly criticizes Amelia, she gets upset for the rest of the day.

(She can handle criticism, but not from Ana).

Amelia will sometimes ask to go to the bathroom, but is actually leaving class to go to talk to Ana.

Amelia has been in a bad mood for a while and will get in a feeling where she only wants to talk to and only likes Ana and doesn’t care for anyone else.

Amelia even refused to spend time with her friends because of this, as she doesn’t want to be anywhere without Ana.

I kinda feel worried for them both, and I wonder if Amelia will be able to function well (or if Ana will not be annoyed and be able to have her own life sometimes).

I’d assume this is just a typical crush/attachment, but I’m asking for advice because I want to check in, but I don’t know if that’ll be necessary.

I’m also worried because what’ll happen if Ana’s not there and she’s somewhere else? What if she moves away? Knowing Amelia, she would probably fall into a depression :(

My BF Jay (15M) and I (15F) have been dating for about a year now. Now, we are obviously young, so I’ll probably need different advice than an adult woman.

Anyway, Jay hardly ever says he loves me (though he’s been starting to now, thankfully), reads my texts and never responds, and had another girl’s name in his bio.

One section said “Status: Taken I love my gfs ❤️ Currently dating: Almond [me], Mae [the other girl]”

Of course, I asked him who Mae was, and he said that she’s a girl he’s been into for a while and who he has been seeing. However, he never told me about Mae, and I’m assuming he never tells Mae about me.

At first, I thought he was just a private guy when he never posted about me and never said he had a GF. When he talked about people he was grateful for and people he made stuff for, he never included me.

I want to trust him, but especially with the leaving me on read and being with Mae (who he apparently doesn’t talk to anymore), I need advice on what to do.

Firstly, no idea about the origin of this phrase, but it seems like a poorly constructed idea that is broad enough to generate discussions on any point of view that you want.

What I take from researching is that sharing your troubles shouldn't be a one way street, if both people support each other it isn't therapy it's sharing, which is just semantics at this point. Can I vent about life to my partner or only to my close friends? or do I need to hire a professional?

Alternatively a very direct reading is that your partner doesn't have the medical expertise to solve your mental issues. Which is very fair, but again lay people can't be expected to diagnose if their partner is suffering from depression or just sad that their dog died.

A really negative reading of this is just a toxic excuse, "Oh, my boyfriend cried in front of me so I dumped him, I'm not his therapist"

At the end of the day, ignoring this phrase, should I share that I had a bad day with my partner? Should we talk about trauma that we had as kids? Where is the line if there is any?

Here's the story: I (24 F) was in a non-committal fwb "relationship", I guess you can call it, with this guy (23 M) where we were seeing each other multiple times a week and hanging out, going on dates, sleeping together all summer, but never really discussed what it was. Which is fine. I wasn't really that crazy about him tbh, he was kind of disrespectful of my political views (I'm a leftist, he's a hyper lib and "immune to propaganda cause we have freedom of the press"... lol), he was also pretty bad at sex, but I don't really know what I want anyways and I'm just happy to have someone's company for the time being. We met in July and he broke things off in October.

The reason he initially broke things off is because his life started to get busier and I was clearly just not a priority for him. He got a job, lives in an apartment with his friends who want to do stuff with him at least once a week (standing appointment on Mondays), his dad's pretty active in his life, he has dinner with his mom and sisters every Sunday at 5, and he uses any time in-between to go to the gym. This wouldn't have been problem except that I worked Mon-Fri and he worked Tues-Sat, and Sunday dinner was non-negotiable for him, leaving us with no real time to spend together. I tell him on a given Sunday, "mom and sisters will survive if you have to miss dinner every once in a while" and followed by radio silence until he sends me this text, at 1pm the following Tuesday:

Fwd:

Hey, I apologize if you've felt like I've led you on. I'm at a pretty busy point in my life where I have a lot of people around me and I'm sorry I can't spend more time with you, I did enjoy the time we spent together and I really did like getting to know you. Thanks for introducing me to your life, but I'm breaking things off."

Ok... not sure where you Fwd'd that from. Kinda disrespectful to do this over text, out of the blue, during the work day, two days after our last communication, and the implications of "sorry if I led you on" in a "breaking things off" text is kinda gaslighty and gets under my skin, but whatever. Again, not that crazy about him. We were just spending time together. We could have totally negotiated or broke things off mutually if he had told me what the deal was.

There's just one hitch: I just bought a home and I was counting on him to help me move out of my apartment. I don't really have anyone else in my life I would ask for that kind of help and probably wouldn't have even gone looking for a home if it weren't for him being available to help and hype me up for it. So I asked him and offered to pay him, he agreed and said I wouldn't need to do that.

So fast forward a month, moving day comes, we haven't talked at all besides coordinating the day. He brought a joint for us to smoke at some point, and he's talking about how we can do this and that together around my new place, so I have to ask "...do you still want to hang out then?" and he says "yeah, if you still want to"... Ok... you don't really break up over text with someone you want to keep seeing but whatever, boys are dumb, I'll proceed with caution. He was really helpful at managing things during the move; I have ADHD so I was super grateful to let him handle the executive functioning parts, especially being exhausted from painting all week on top of my full time job.

I got lunch for us both, my treat, and we got maybe 60% through moving all my stuff, until 7pm rolls around. I'm really aching to take a break at this point and just hang out for a while, maybe smoke that joint. He says "Sorry, I have to go, they're having this this thing for food service workers (his line of work) in [city he lives in], I just got all these texts from my friends and they've been begging me all week." So now I'm left staring at this big pile of stuff in my walk-in basement where we dropped it all, I'm barely more than halfway out of my apartment, and I get kind of emotional cause I don't have many people to call for help with the rest of it plus all the home improvement stuff that is also in progress, which I can do myself but would go by a lot faster with another person around.

Also, am I not a friend? This wasn't the first time he's made me feel I was less important to him than all of the other people in his life... and any of those times he could have invited me along if he really wanted to see me. He didn't tell me ahead of time that he had a hard stop, he just picked up his phone and saw all the texts from his friends and decided on the spot to ditch me. I was only asking for one day out of the month since we last spoke, he was just talking up all the stuff we could do together and even mentioned how he'd worked as a painter in the past. Also, I don't know about anyone else, but I've never had friends that were ever around that much when we lived together, much less would drop whatever else they were doing cause I asked them to, or expected me to do so. Must be nice though.

We go return the U-Haul I rented, I drive him back to his car, we hug goodbye and he says "let me know if you need any help with anything", I thank him for his help and we part ways.

The next week I text him, "Hey I'll probably be painting and/or unpacking on Monday if u wanna come by and help again"

No response.

The next day I call him, straight to voicemail. Wait a week, call again, same thing, so he must have blocked my number.

Don't know why, he could have just said he didn't want to help me or hang out again and I would have been fine with it. Maybe his friends got to him? There was one girl I could tell didn't really like me. But then there was his guy friend that basically called him a womanizer in front of me. These are the two people he lives with. So there's that.

It's a couple weeks later now and I just found out from my gyno that I have chlamydia and I need to take antibiotics to treat it. Don't really know who gave it to the other, he slept with at least one other girl while we were seeing each other but I hadn't been tested in a while and there was a guy I slept with before him (who fucking broke me for a while btw and blocked me on everything but that's a story for another time) who was kind of sleazy. I feel a responsibility to other women he could sleep with, but I have no way to personally contact this dude. He has a really generic name and all I have of his are his phone number (blocked), his home address, and where he works. I could go knock on his door, but it's a 40 minute drive and he might not even be there. I have half a mind to just call his work in the morning and have whoever picks up let him know the news, since he's made it clear he doesn't want to ever talk to me or see me again and was just plain disrespectful about it. Is this too far?

For context, we're both past the 30-year mark, with myself in my mids and him pushing 40. We've known each other from Uni, have been best friends since, and the entire thing pretty much turned into a siblinghood, with his family sort of "adopting" me (I'm perpetually invited to all of their family events and gatherings, his parents love having me around, etc.) We've been there for eachother through some of our worst times, and we got along really well.

That is, until the Pandemic hit. This has been going on for a while now, but it started getting more pronounced during the Pandemic, when he went from sharing edgy memes to expressing belief in the principles behind those memes (think "I identify as an attack helicopter," "immigrants are exclusively to blame for the downfall of countries," 4chan type jokes about minorities, etc.).

On my end, I tried to discuss these things with him at first, trying to get a sense of why he was doubling down on these things, and the closest I could come to understand it is that it's a relatively irrational fear, fuelled by his tendency to not really explore the veracity of the news he reads - as an example related to his transphobia, it's like he refuses to accept that sex and gender are not inextricably linked to one another, not on a logical basis, but on a "I feel this is incorrect" basis.

Things got pretty tense back in 2022, when I felt the need to call a time off on our friendship for almost an entire year. I just couldn't play it cool when he randomly blurted out something profoundly inconsiderate and devoid of empathy. Conversations turned from heated debates to outright arguments, I could tell that the gap was widening with every subsequent one, and his beliefs seemed to solidify.

We reconciled in 2023 after his wife reached out to me expressing regret that we would lose the friendship over "politics," tried to get back to acting normally around one another, yet the same issues popped up again. This time, with even less empathy. The most recent example was when we both learnt that Trump got elected president again. I expressed a sense of empathy and regret for all of the people who would no longer be allowed to get abortions, the risk he posed to HRT beneficiaries, the danger he posed to all minorities, etc. The only thing he could come up with is "I feel nothing, they deserve it. Did it to themselves." I called him out on his utter lack of empathy, we had a brief, but poignant argument, and now we've barely been talking for two weeks. He periodically drops a message like nothing happened, but I am beyond hesitant to reply. Everything is cold and superficial.

Now, I tried to understand him and his situation... He's a relatively fresh father (his daughter is 2 years old), he is aware of the fact that the world isn't doing too well, but seems to be in denial about it which I sort of understand as being a method of self-protection, but I just cannot abide by his views anymore. No amount of panic or self-defence justifies this in my opinion.

I just don't know what to do. I mean, I do know, or at least my subconscious does, but... I don't know, guess the age and depth of our friendship makes me hesitant to drop it, although this is just the sunk cost fallacy at play... The fact that I feel I'm past my socialite days and knowing that I probably won't make any more friends any time soon doesn't much help, either.

Guess I'm just looking for confirmation around what I already know is the only option...

I've been to a couple of discos and by the end there's always a couple of people at the side making out. I'm also in the mood to do this but currently I'd feel bad touching someone without talking to them for a while first. These people clearly don't though because there's loud music and I've never understood then how they agree on getting physically close. Did they know each other beforehand?

My (25F) boyfriend (28M) and I have been together for about 6 months, and things have been great overall. Recently, though, when he gets upset, he says things that seem intended to hurt me. It feels like he intentionally picks at things he thinks will get under my skin.

I’ve started to feel anxious about when the next comment will come, and it’s affecting me emotionally. I’m not sure how to address this with him.

Hello!

Boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for 3 years in December. We live 1 hour and 30 minutes apart and meet as often as we can, usually that‘s once or twice a week.

My boyfriend has changed a lot this year and it has sent me down a spiral. We barely talk, even if he is home all day. When we do talk, it‘s me doing the talking. He responds to my texts maybe 2-3 hours later which usually wouldn‘t be an issue but i‘ve been with this man for 3 years and he was NEVER like this. He told me that sometimes he just doesn’t feel like responding to me anymore, which again i understand but with everything else it just bugs me. The last time we spent quality time together was maybe a month ago? when we meet we don‘t talk much and we don‘t go outside either because he doesn‘t feel like it. I feel used and i feel like my emotional needs are not being met. I asked him many times if he is okay and what‘s wrong but there is never anything wrong. He doesn‘t seem depressed either. He seems okay with all of this. I am very confused and i communicated my confusion so many times, i feel like my tongue will fall off if i do it again. When we do go outside or when we are in the car, i want to use that opportunity to talk to him because i feel so disconnected from him but he always listens to loud music in his earbuds and it makes me feel like he doesn‘t really want to speak to me anymore. It was my birthday a while back and he had nothing planned, which made me really sad because i planned so much for him. He didn‘t even get me a small cake or a muffin, nothing. He also, and i know this doesn‘t matter but it just upset me, he makes 4x as much money as me because i am a college student with a part-time job and he works full time. I got him a gift over 150 bucks and his gift was maybe 30 max? not even what i wanted and he didn‘t have it ready on my birthday.

2 weeks ago we had an argument. I was at Uni and i had a terrible day and was crying on the train back home and he wasn‘t responding to me the whole day, so i texted my friend and she comforted me and offered to watch a movie online together when i am home. So i did that. My boyfriend was upset that i didn‘t call him when i got home and didn‘t want to speak to him after. I was hurt, because i really was struggling and i don‘t ask for help often but he wasn‘t there even though i know he was on his phone because i kept seeing his reposts.

I really don‘t know what to do anymore. When i try to communicate he really seems like there is no issue at all and he is okay with not speaking to me. He also told me that he is tired from work and can‘t help it but i just don‘t understand. He talks to other friends but having a conversation with me is too much for him.

Does this sound like he doesn‘t love me anymore?

Maybe I'm just exhausted from getting little sleep last night and feeling really sad, but I could use some support.

I've [30m] started dating again since my last break up. For context, I've had a pattern of meeting people, looking for the best in them, get kinda excited although realistically I have reservations, and then within 4 months the whole thing blows up.

I'm off the dating apps because they get me down, and I've only dated friends a few times because I get huge anxiety about potentially losing a friendship if a relationship goes south. I get huge anxiety about relationships in general just because of a long string of heartbreak.

It's happening again- I met someone who came to an event I host, and she was so wonderful. Just a beam of light- her optimism matched mine, she is into many of the things I'm into like biking and climbing, and she even led a jam on piano at my event (I'm a musician and it's a jam based on a principle of musical humanism). At the end of the night, we even got to dancing in the middle of the room. That night I asked her to go swing dancing and if she'd want to see a show I was music directing before. She said yes to both and I felt so excited, but also knowing it was just as friends. I wanted to see if we would be compatible before asking any bigger questions.

The next day I sent a message and a meme, but got no response. My thoughts went to "I'm putting too much pressure on this and she's reacting" or "she's not interested" and it made me pretty blue. The next day I messaged her telling her that the place we were dancing is going to be 20s themed just so she knew what to wear if she wanted, and she texted back like normal- all was good again.

That night she came to my show and we both biked up to the Green Mill (the jazz club in Chicago) and we had a great time. In the middle when we went back for a drink, we kissed and I was so excited. We talked and found we had so much in common- our thoughts on the importance of family, community, and how we can lift eachother up to be better than the sum of our parts. We both are active and extroverted, and felt the same how often times we feel like society wants us to shut up and not be extra. We both love the same kinds of beer. We both had struggled with weed- she put it well that her favorite thing about herself is her social skills, but when she's high it all goes away, just like me. She works for a bike company, I used to work for a bike company. She wants to start a hot dog stand, I want to write a coffee table book about city flags. We even planned to go climbing together for a second date.

I honestly felt like I found my one.

But then she dropped that she had a long distance relationship with a guy in Amsterdam, and that they agreed that it's okay to be open in their relationship. She said she wasn't polyamorous, but it was a way that she felt they could be there for each other while allowing their needs to be met. I told her I'm definitely monogamous and had an open relationship before but it wasn't fun for me. That said she said she was reconsidering her current relationship, but I've also been in similar situations where I've waited for someone to leave their situation to be with them and those also didn't go anywhere.

We biked back that night, and we still had a great time, and she messaged me when she got home. I sent her my number over Instagram, but that was the last message I got. I guess id expect a "hey Meep this is __!" Text so I had her number, but I still haven't heard back. I'm trying not to push it so I'm going to let her be the one to initiate the next conversation.

In the meantime I feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster. I mean granted I just met her and I shouldn't be so heavily invested or excited. I should be taking it slow but I don't know how. Hell I barely understand what taking it slow means. I should be perfectly fine being alone in my apartment with my cat. I've done so much work on myself to try and be in a place where I can feel again, but now I feel like I'm going back into another heartbreak.

I know a lot of this is also because I live alone and my family is 2000 miles away. I wrote a song that paints the picture- "oh, I'm floating away/ oh, I'm floating away/ the spacewalk went wrong/ I clipped into the other side/ of the moon/ just to know what distance feels like". I want to feel secure. I want to feel at home. But these relationships I find myself in tend to do the exact opposite. I'm back on the high seas and it's a stormy night.

I just wish I could be like a normal person and not feel. Or at least not feel like this.

[Mention of past abuse, narcissist parent, gaslighting.]

I (F) am having a tough time with the fallout from a relationship with a man that ended two months ago, and I'd appreciate some advice from other people who've experienced something similar or have some words about how to break the cycle.

We started dating under the premise of being poly/ENM. Together, we created a genuinely safe space where I could process past relationship trauma. For the first time, I felt capable of opening up without pressure or feeling like some "poor hurt demi-ace woman" trophy to be won.

Then came the withdrawal. During my 2.5-week trip abroad, he became distant. When asked why, he said he wasn't sure and needed time. A week of silence later, as I was heading home by train, he sent a breakup text explaining he'd realised he wasn't poly and wanted monogamy + kids (hard no for me).

This revelation? From one conversation with his best friend. One. After months of thinking he was poly, he had one talk and completely switched tracks, and instead of discussing these feelings with me, he withdrew and panicked, convinced I'd jump him and act like nothing had changed. Despite my consistent respect for boundaries and careful approach to intimacy, he created a fantasy version of me that matched his fears rather than reality.

I'm seething at the cowardice, but also drowning in compassion. I feel his withdrawal is a self-preservation mechanism from childhood trauma with a narcissistic parent, and he's fighting hard to overcome a saviour syndrome that kept him in past relationships well past their expiration date.

But honestly, I believe I stumbled too. When we finally met to talk, I was so disappointed and emotionally overwhelmed I could barely put words together, and I told him our time together "hadn't been worth it" - pure hurt speaking and untrue, but what is done is done.

Then, unable to let go overnight, I suggested staying online friends. He agreed but needed "time to process". What followed was a week of more withdrawal from him, ending with him demanding explanations for my words and behaviour while dismissing my pain. 

When I sent an audio explaining my hurt and suggesting we take some time apart, he responded with a text gaslighting me once again, twisting everything into being about his feelings. I ended up blocking him - betraying my own values of communication and reconciliation.

Now I'm dating myself, doing many things I wanted to do with him. With a partner. He lives in an area I've always loved and frequented, and I refuse to make my world smaller for him, so I haven't stopped going. We've already crossed each other a couple of times. I smiled, because I truly don't hate him nor wish him harm, and he acted like I wasn't there. Still the urge to reach out, to help... it lingers and it sucks.

I catch myself constantly hoping for dialogue, wanting to listen, to support… and I know this isn't healthy - ffs I've even stayed in contact with my abuser thinking my presence might prevent him from hurting other women.

And I know I sound fucking self-righteous and saintlike, and yet I feel anything but.

How can I redirect this energy back to myself? How can I stop trying to fix others and focus on my own healing? I'd love to hear any tips from those who've broken this pattern.

Thanks all 🖤

It’s been a year, and me (39M) and my wife (36F) have been intimate twice, separated by nearly six months apart.

I know our relationship has had issues, with financial stress and financial infidelity (5+ years ago, I withheld how bad our cash flow was, using debt to maintain our lifestyle). She has been stressed at her job of 3 years, and now she’s gotten a job that strictly is 8:30-5:30, with no carryover into her personal life.

She can’t let go of the pain I caused her. She feels she hasn’t had time to do so since she started working 5 years ago to help gain a foothold on finances.

This carries over to the bedroom. She has always had a lower libido, but it’s straight turned off. I don’t know how someone in a relationship can possibly handle that long (6+ months) without masturbation or intercourse.

At this point, it’s a huge pain point for us. She knows I desperately want to connect physically, but it feels like the path to her healing is a chicken or the egg dynamic. However, sex is unilaterally off if I’m trying to initiate.

Since I’m batting well below the Mendoza line, I told her I’ve had enough and I’m not pursuing her in bed going forward. The straw was my birthday. I spent the entire day trying to take her on a date and be romantic…not even a kiss or hug.

I just feel like I’m dying inside. I’m literally giving it six months or I’m filing for divorce. That will be her birthday present if we can’t find common ground. I would rather live in a shack, mired in debt and alone, seeing our four kids every now and then, then be this fucking miserable every night.

How the fuck do people cope with this?