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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2025-01-31 05:04:07+00:00.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Dinojars

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITA for grounding my daughter and canceling her senior trip after I found out she was cheating on her boyfriend?

Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: infidelity, controlling behavior

Original Post: January 18, 2025

I have two daughters, Lizzie (17 F) and McKenzie (14 F). Their dad and I divorced a few years ago after I discovered he was having an affair. I have the kids most of the time, and their dad has them every weekend and during the summers.

Lizzie has been dating Jacob (18 M) for over a year now. Jacob is constantly at our house. He’s a sweet, good young man, and I believe he’ll be valedictorian of their class. However, a few weeks ago, I overheard Lizzie on the phone with a guy, clearly flirting. At first, I thought it was Jacob, but then I heard her say, “Brandon.” I realized she was talking to someone else. Then a week later, she mentioned to me that she was heading out to hang with a “friend,” and when I looked out the window, I saw her get into a car and greet a guy with a kiss. It wasn’t Jacob.

Even after that, Jacob continued to come over, hanging out with Lizzie. He and Lizzie still acted like a couple—holding hands, laughing, and spending time together—just like they always had. I felt disgusted knowing my daughter was being a two-timer.

After Jacob left that day, I confronted my daughter. I asked her point-blank, “Are you cheating on your boyfriend with another guy?” She said it was none of my business and that her personal life was hers only. I told her she was wrong and that I raised her better than to treat people like this. She told me she was bored with Jacob and that Brandon was more her type now. I told her that if she wasn’t happy, she should just break up with Jacob. She said she didn’t know if she wanted to be with Brandon or if she was just having fun flirting and teasing. I told her cheating was unacceptable and wrong, and as a consequence, I grounded her. I also told her she wasn’t allowed to go on her senior trip with her friends. She obviously did not take that too well and has been at her dad’s place for the last couple of days.

My ex husband called me, saying I was being unreasonable not letting her go on the trip and that her and Jacob was just a “high school thing” He then told me I needed to put my “bitterness aside” and “stop punishing his daughter.” I told him I was teaching our daughter right from wrong, and that actions have consequences.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received mixed reactions

Relevent Comments

Commenter 1: NTA. Your post sounds like Lizzie's a Daddy's girl and he's been green lighting her behavior.

OOP: He's definitely the "fun parent". Dad gives them money and takes them on trips while I do the actual parenting.

My youngest needed a physical exam for soccer tryouts and he couldn't even be bothered to do that.

Is the father going to undermine OOP and let Lizzie go on her senior trip?

OOP: We agreed to split the costs of the trip. He wants to buy her a car for graduation gift, so he asked me to pitch in for the senior trip costs. He typically pays for big things like this. He has told me he will pay for the entire trip himself if he has to in order for her to go.

Commenter 2: This isn’t about your husband. This is about you and your daughter. You bringing up your husband’s cheating tells everything. You didn’t ask if your husband was an AH for cheating. Yes he was. This is about you punishing your daughter because he cheated on you. That makes you a horrible parent. And him cheating doesn’t change if he was a good parent or not. It makes him a shitty husband. One can be a great parent and a shitty partner.

OOP: Our divorce impacted our kids and both daughters grades started to fall when we were going through the divorce. I had to pick up the pieces and hold our family together. The girls are back on track, but it was not easy. Your father packing his bags and becoming a weekend day DOES impact the kids.

I only mentioned it because you called me a bad parent.

How long has Lizzie been with Jacb and how is their relationship?

OOP: They've been together for almost 2 years. Jacob is at our house almost daily. He attends family functions...he's not just some high school thing

Commenter 3: Teens evolve and learn from their mistakes. Your punishment is not teaching her the lesson, simply making her not like you. Teaching her empathy and the impact on Jacob's and Brandon's feelings by having a conversation with her, without discipline will open the lines of communication and make her more open to talking to you. Why would she confide in you if she could be punished?

OOP: How can she learn if she does not believe she is wrong? She thinks this is okay and she's not hurting anyone because Jacob doesn't know. She thinks telling Jacob will hurt him

Update: January 24, 2025 (six days later)

I received a lot of good advice from my original post and wanted to provide an update.

My daughter has been at her dad’s house since my last post. I called her saying I’m reconsidering cancelling her senior trip, but she needs to tell me what’s going on with this new guy, Brandon. She reiterated that it’s not serious and she’s just having fun. I told her she needs to decide which guy she actually wants to be with. She said she doesn’t want Brandon, but he’s fun and Jacob can be too serious and controlling. She likes how chill Brandon is.

She kept saying she doesn’t understand why I care so much, that I’m supposed to be on "her side", and that I’m acting like Jacob is my child, and not her. I told her that wasn’t the issue. The issue is that cheating is wrong, and she’s hurting Jacob, who she claims to love. She says she’s not hurting him because he doesn’t know about Brandon. I told her she’s going to have to tell him, and only then will she be allowed to go on her senior trip. She said she couldn’t do that. She still wants Jacob, but he can be annoying sometimes, and she needs a change of pace. I told her it was wrong to use both of these guys. I asked her if Brandon goes to the same school, and she said no, that he isn’t in school at all. I tried pressing her on how old Brandon is, but she wouldn’t give me a clear answer. She just kept saying he’s not that much older, but not in school.

After the call, I contacted my ex-husband to express our concerns about this new guy and how secretive our daughter is being about him. He told me I need to stop being a helicopter parent and let our daughter make her own mistakes and decisions about her love lives. I told him we don’t know anything about this Brandon guy, and how can he not be concerned about him? He said he trusts our daughter and that she is nearly an adult and that I’m just being controlling and projecting my issues onto her. I told him with how little we know about this Brandon and her not willing to at least break up with Jacob, there is no way she is going on the senior trip. My ex husband got upset saying I cannot make these decisions on my own and that she is his daughter too. He then he told me he’ll be paying for the full senior trip and that I need to back off if I want our daughter to ever come back home.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: As a mother, my ears would be perking up at my daughter telling me her boyfriend is controlling. I'd act like I'm her mother (which you are) and get more information on that, before trying to push her into the hands of a potential psycho.

OOP: I know Jacob. They've been together for almost 2 years. She has never mentioned him being controlling until she wants to justify her cheating.

Commenter 2: But you didn’t even question that further? That’s a huge red flag on your end, to me. You have already seemingly decided that Jacob is blameless without interrogating that statement further, because you are so invested in your daughter’s wrongdoing that you cannot conceive of a more complex rationale for her behavior. You may be right, but as a mother you owe it to her to dig into that statement to find out more.

OOP: He is a bit nerdy who takes school very seriously. I think my daughter perceives certain traits as "controlling". Like before all this happened she wanted to go to a friend's house to hang out and Jacob insisted they needed to study for an exam they had coming up

Commenter 3: you’re her mother. it’s not your business if she’s cheating on her boyfriend or not. as long as she is safe you can give advice, but can’t punish her for the way she chooses to live her life. there are limits between what a parent can and can’t do you know? sometimes it’s just not our business. and you are just her mother, she’s her own person.

OOP: What my daughter does is always my business

Commenter 3: you can always worry about her but you can not interfere with her decision at this point. she is a h...

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