BestofRedditorUpdates

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2025-03-05 05:02:02+00:00.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/MaritalProblems3934

AITA for telling my fiancée to stop calling me by her late husband's name?

Originally posted to r/AITAH

TRIGGER WARNING: Grief, loss of a loved one

Original Post Jan 1, 2024

I am 34 years old and my fiancée is 31. "Mon" and I have been together for four years, engaged for one year. She is also four months pregnant with our first child. She is a sweetheart, we get along very well, and I can see myself with her for a long time.

Mon was married for six years before she met me, to a guy named "Kyle". Kyle died in a car accident a few years ago.

Although the relationship between Mon and me is great, she often calls me by her late husband's name. Things like "How was your day, Kyle?" or "Can you grab that for me, Kyle?" I'm almost certain it's accidental, and she always apologizes and corrects herself, but it still makes me uncomfortable. She even slipped and called me by his name during sex.

Finally, I sat down with her and, upset, told her that this was making me uncomfortable and asked her to stop calling me that. She started crying, apologized, and told me that she "still loves Kyle and always will." I don't know why, but that really made me unhappy.

At the end of that evening, her sister messaged me saying that I was rude to her sister and that I'm an AH.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

chibbledibs

He died a “few years ago” and you’ve been dating for four years. When did he die?

OOP

He passed away 7 years ago. They were high school sweethearts and married early, at the age of 18. He died when they were both 24 years old.

~

Xiao1insty1e

Grief is weird and hard. She may grieve Kyle for a long time. She has the right to. You also have a right to not be ok being called someone else's name.

Has she seen a grief counselor? Have you considered couples therapy?

The two of you need to sit down and talk about how you feel. She likely loves you very much and why her brain keeps defaulting to Kyle. It is, however, also likely that she has not properly dealt with her grief. She will need compassion and time.

She also needs to understand that YOU are her partner and Kyle is not. Your feelings should matter to her and it is not unreasonable to ask her to make a concentrated effort to get your name right.

Regardless, therapy. You should both probably go.

OOP

"Has she seen a grief counselor?"

Yes, she did in the first three years after his death.

"Have you considered couples therapy?"

Yes, but at the moment I haven't found any.

Uptade July 7, 2024 (6 months later)

Uptade: Since that day, Mon and I have been in couples therapy, and she has returned to the first therapist who treated her during the first three years of her grief. Obviously, it hasn't been easy. Our daughter was born a month ago, and Mon is still going through a lot, which makes taking care of a baby in the middle of all this even more complicated. Luckily, our parents are helping us with the baby.

We've decided to postpone the wedding indefinitely. A lot has come up in therapy, such as finding out that Mon cries for Kyle when I'm not around. This can happen monthly, three times a month, or not at all. She also admitted that she doesn't feel comfortable talking deeply with me about it because she thinks I would "get upset," which is nonsense considering I've heard stories about him before and never showed any upset.

Some of her statements in therapy, like "I will never love anyone like I loved him", hurt me a lot. I feel more and more that this relationship is doomed to failure. However, this doesn't mean I'm giving up. I really love her, but I'm not extremely optimistic. I'm trying to work as much as possible on the relationship, mainly for the sake of our daughter.

Update 2 Feb 26, 2025 (1 year later)

Update 2: So, a lot has changed. Not everything has been easy, but I think, in a way, we’re finding a new balance. Therapy has helped us a lot, both individually for her and as a couple. Mon is better at separating the past from the present, and she no longer calls me Kyle by mistake. We’ve been able to talk more openly, she feels more comfortable discussing the past and her feelings in depth.

Our daughter is growing up so fast, and I can’t even imagine going through all of this without our family’s support. As for the marriage… it’s still on pause—it’s something we want at the right time. I can really see that she’s putting in a lot of effort.

She’s been talking a lot with her sister, and we go out with her and her boyfriend quite often. My SIL has always been somewhat protective of her and is genuinely concerned about her improvement. Aside from the usual small arguments, I’m managing to stay optimistic about the future.

Some of the comments on my first post helped me a lot in the early stages, and I’m really grateful.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7