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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Big-Ad8239 on 2025-03-20 18:59:48+00:00.

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by throwracaz

in r/relationship_advice

trigger warnings: Reproductive coercion, betrayal, emotional manipulation

mood spoilers: numb

My wife stopped taking her birth control without informing me - 14 Sep 2020

My wife and I have been married almost nine months. We tied the knot last December. We came into the relationship both wanting children, however we had mutually discussed and agreed to wait until we owned a home, I finished school, and we had our finances in order more to start trying. The entirety of our relationship, she's been on the pill as her preferred method of birth control.

My wife is out having dinner with her parents tonight while I'm hanging out at the house with some friends. She had ordered groceries to be delivered earlier today, and when they arrived I, of course, started to put things away. One of the items she purchased was a pregnancy test, which was such a shock that I literally felt my stomach drop when I saw it.

Immediately I called her, and asked why on earth she ordered a pregnancy test. Turns out about a month ago she decided to stop taking her pill because she thought we were ready for children. I asked why she wouldn't get my input on something so HUGE and she replied that she "wanted to surprise me." I told her there's literally a hundred different surprises that I would prefer currently, told her I'd see her later, and ended the call.

Her period is due later this week, so unless she plans on taking it early we won't know if she's pregnant for a few days. I'm livid! We are not in the position to become parents currently. I certainly don't want to be bringing a newborn into the world during a pandemic. I don't know if it's justified considering we are married and both eventually want children, but I feel absolutely betrayed that she would make a decision like this behind my back. We had even agreed that if somehow we got pregnant while she was on the pill that we wouldn't go through with the pregnancy. I know she'll be coming home soon, and honestly I don't even want to look at her right now or know what to say.

Am I right to be upset about this? What should I do? I'm currently working a full time job while pursuing my masters; I literally do not have the time to be a suitable parent.

Edit: She just texted me:

I'm so sorry that you're reacting this way. You've seemed really unhappy lately and I thought you would consider this good news"

Comments:

This is completely messed up but what also stands out to me is her “apology.” Saying she’s sorry you’re reacting this way does not = her being sorry for her actions. LINK

OOP:

I agree. She's always been a shitty apologizer because she rarely thinks she's wrong. LINK

Any apology that starts with "I'm sorry you're..." is NOT an apology. Starting a family is a decision you make together, not something you trick your partner with. LINK

Update: My wife stopped taking her birth control without informing me - 17 Sep 2020

I never expected the amount of replies I ended up receiving on my post, nor did I even realize the gravity of my wife's betrayal at the time of posting. I had a lot of people comment or reach out asking for an update, so here goes:

I had made the decision that until we knew if she was pregnant or not that I just wanted some distance to think/cool down from my initial anger and shock. I told the wife this, and spent a few days over at a buddy's house trying to process everything. Ironically, my wife's birthday fell within the days I wasn't home, so she's been extremely pissed at me, too. She ended up informing me this morning that she got her period and asked if that means I'm coming home now.

I'm still feeling extremely betrayed by her, and although we did dodge the bullet this time around, I have so little trust in my wife now that I don't know if our relationship will be salvageable. I'd rather be a young divorcee than feel like I need to keep my condoms in a lock box or something to prevent my own spouse from tampering with them. I'm not 100% sure if therapy would even be worth it considering she's still infallible in her own mind, but I guess if she sees the light and genuinely apologizes soon I'd be willing to pursue it just because I do love her. 

As far as I'm concerned, the ball's in her court and if she wants to try and make this right its going to take some actions on her part that show she's truly sorry and willing to earn my trust back. I'm not sure that even if she does make the effort that our relationship is repairable at this point, but maybe after some extensive couple's therapy we can figure out exactly where our relationship went wrong where she thought that behavior would be acceptable.

Thanks, Reddit

Comments:

OP, please remember that there’s a difference between apologizing for what she did (genuine remorse) and apologizing for getting caught. LINK

Gotta say, this doesn't bode well because it seems she obviously doesn't understand why you'd be upset and might miss her birthday. LINK

Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS.