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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2025-03-24 04:04:10+00:00.

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/throwaway_44484

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Previous BoRUs: 1

[New Update]: AITAH for calling off my wedding because my fiancée wanted to invite her ex?

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/soayherder & u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for suggesting this BoRU

Thanks to u/LucyAriaRose, u/No-Mechanic-3048, and u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for letting me know about the latest update!

Mood Spoilers: relief

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RECAP

Original Post: October 15, 2024

My fiancée wanted to invite an ex to our wedding. From what I know, he was a dick who always put her down and told her that he was the best she could ever do.

Naturally, I asked her why the hell does she want him at our wedding. She said she wanted to shove it in his face that she did amazingly for her self, and she got someone way better.

While I appreciated the compliment, I asked her: Are you really so hung up on him that you're gonna make our wedding about him?

Honestly, once I said it, it was like someone else told me. I didn't even realized what I was saying, and I didn't even understand it until I said it.

I told her that she shouldn't bother to invite him because we weren't getting married anymore.

She was stunned, and eventually apoligized and told me to forget about her ex. I felt angry and almost told her she's the one who needs to forger about him.

Idk, she spent the day telling me that she's sorry for bringing it up.

I'll be honest, I'm even reconsidering the entire relationship now.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP got the majority of NTAs with few other reactions

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1 (downvoted): I don’t think she is necessarily hung up on her ex. I think he may have tormented her to the point that she wanted to literally shove it in his face. Truth is he probably wouldn’t have come. He would get to see how wrong he was and he’s not going to do that.

OOP: Him coming or not is not the point.

I don't want to be at the alter promising my life to someone who's thinking, "Man, I really hope my ex is watching'

OOP on needing to be a grown up adult and let the ex come

Because we are grown ass adults.

OOP: Do grown ass adults really shove their relationship to an ex? That's a new one.

Also did invite a couple of other exs just because we are still friends

OOP: You do realize this ex used to abuse her right? Not exactly a fucking friend.

Commenter 2: NTA for calling off the wedding, if her fixation on her ex raised serious doubts about the relationship. The fact that she wanted to invite him to “shove it in his face” shows that she’s still emotionally tied to proving something to him!

 

Update: October 20, 2024 (five days later)

First post

So we are gonna try some pre marital counseling first.

Our wedding has gone from being called off to being postponed indefinitely.

My fiance tried to explain why she wanted to invite her ex, but not only did she keep changing her answers, each one made it way worse for me.

First, she tried to explain that she just wanted some payback, I told her: And if he doesn't care? Are you gonna rub in his face our first child? Our first home?

She said she didn't mean it that way, and she just wanted to prove her worth. Which I then told her that I guess her ex is the only one who can determine her worth.

We kept going like this for a while, and there wasn't a single answer she gave that didn't boil down to: She cares what her ex thinks and apparently she can't be happy unless her ex felt some sort of way.

She denied it, but honestly I find hard to believe her.

I don't want our marriage to be only worth something if her ex is the only one who can determine it. I refuse to be with someone whose happiness revolves their ex's feelings.

I decided to at least try some counseling, we have been together for years now. (FYI, She was with her ex for about 2 years, 3 years later she met me, and we have been together for 4)

I figured I should try. So at least I can say I tried

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: It sounds like you’re not holding out too much. Hope for counseling having any good effect. That’s a very smart thing because I don’t think it will.

OOP: It's kind of hard to be hopeful after listening to my potential wife say she cares about what her ex thinks in like 10 different ways.

Commenter 2: NTA, after 7 years broken up, 4 years out of the 7 with you, and sounds like she is still not over him. I wouldn't dare marry her.

Commenter 3: It's been SEVEN YEARS and she is still this obsessed.

If you break up now can you see yourself still being obsessed with her in 7 years time whilst planning a wedding to someone else?

KNOW YOUR OWN WORTH OP!!!

 

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----NEW UPDATE----

Update: March 17, 2025 (almost five months later)

We broke up.

We went to counseling for months, and I just kept feeling worse and worse. Honestly, she things that kind of reminded of some comments I read on my previous posts. How he was meant to be nothing except something to be made fun of. I guess she simply did not understand I did not want her ex in there in any way shape or form. Including in her head. I told her I don't want her to look at me at the altar with her ex in her head. She just didn't get it, she thought because she wanted him to feel bad, it was OK.

Honestly, at some point I realized we were talking about her damn ex every day. And it just hit me. I don't want to ever hear her talk about him again. I don't want to hear his damn name again. I don't want my wife to constantly think about what her ex thinks of her.

It's actually been a few weeks since our break up... and I feel so relieved I haven't heard my ex talk about her ex.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Suggest to her parents that she gets therapy. Because she can't get over her ex, she'll never have a committed relationship

OOP: Eh, idk, her parents aren't exactly the people who would try to convince her.

Commenter 2: Just curious, but how did she respond to you when you said enough we are talking about him every day and this is not what I want, we are done? Did she talk about him while you dated?

OOP:

Did she talk about him while you dated?

Yep, I knew pretty much all the info about him I posted on here well before the whole invitation thing.

She took it ... badly. She kept insisting on more counseling for at least a few more months and that I just don't get what she went through.

Commenter 3: Did she try to contact you? Or did she double down on her ex?

OOP: We have talked a few times, mostly about finances and property. I picked up my stuff from our old place. She lived in our apartment before I moved in, so I moved out.

Commenter 4: Her ex was living rent-free in her head, and probably will be for a long time. Count yourself fortunate that you’re no longer involved in that foolishness.

Commenter 5: Sorry you went through this ordeal, OP.

I have to say, you made the right decision. You're right in your assessment. She's so caught up with her ex, she can think of nothing else. That's no way to start a marriage.

Best of luck.

 

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