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AITA for not wanting to wear a different bridesmaid dress? (old.reddit.com)

submitted 3 days ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2025-03-26 04:02:11+00:00.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/KittyKatze3

Originally posted to r/CharlotteDobreYouTube

AITA for not wanting to wear a different bridesmaid dress?

Thanks to u/queenlegolas & u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: racism, discussions of infidelity, controlling behavior

Original Post: March 16, 2025

A few months ago, my (32F) good friend’s (33M, Riley) fiancé (33F, Sam) asked me to be a bridesmaid. The bride-to-be and I have always been friendly but not very close (she never seemed very interested in getting to know our friend group despite repeated attempts), so I was pretty surprised when she asked me; still, I agreed.

The wedding is coming up in a few weeks, and while I’m more than happy to take part, I’ve been having some issues with the dress situation. The bridesmaid dress was picked out last year, and the fittings were officially finished last month; Sam paid for everything. The plan was for all bridesmaids to wear the same exact dress (she really stressed that she wanted all of us to look identical). But, during brunch 2 weeks ago, she told me that I’ll need to wear a different dress.

Apparently, she decided that all of the brides maxes should have a different “look” instead of looking identical. I thought it was a bit weird to change something like this so late in the game, but didn’t really think much else of it. We agreed to a date/time for my fitting, and continued with brunch.

Fast forward to the day of my fitting last week. The new dress was…unexpected. While the old dress was a cuffed off the shoulder emerald green dress with a high slit and was fairly form fitting, this new dress was giving elevated mumu. It was shapeless and long-sleeved, and was what I can only call vomit green. Regardless, I agreed to wear the dress, thinking at least the other bridesmaids would join me in my suffering.

2 days ago, during dinner with one of the bridesmaids, I asked if she’s already seen her new dress. She looked confused, and asked me what I was talking about. I reiterated what Sam said during brunch, and she looked even more confused, and told me that she hasn’t heard anything about getting a new dress. This is when a few alarm bells started going off.

Later that night, I texted all of the other bridesmaids asking if they’ve been told anything about getting new dresses, and they all said no. I once again reiterated what Sam told me during brunch, and they agreed that the situation was starting to look a bit sus. One of them suggested that it may just be a misunderstanding. I didn’t understand how it could be a misunderstanding, but decided to speak with Sam again anyways.

I called Sam yesterday, and after some generic chit chat, I asked her why she hasn’t told any of the other bridesmaids that they’re getting new dresses. Long silence. Like, so much so that I thought the call disconnected. She then told me that she made a last-minute decision not to get everyone different dresses, but I’d still be wearing a different dress because she already bought it (she already bought the old dress too, so this reasoning made zero sense). I tried to reason with her by mentioning how strange it would look for 1 bridesmaids to look completely different from the others and would draw unnecessary attention, but she said she didn’t mind. She then rushed to get off the phone, and basically hung up on me.

Later that day, I texted her to tell her that I didn’t feel comfortable wearing that dress, and I kinda felt like she’s picking on me for some reason. Haven’t received a response yet. Part of me feels like I’m being a bit dramatic, but another part of me feels like singling me out for no reason. I don’t want to cause any drama or stress, but I also don’t want to feel uncomfortable at the wedding.

So, AITA?

**Edit: A few people have suggested that Sam is jealous of me being Riley’s friend, but another close female friend of Riley’s is also a bridesmaid (but she is a lot closer to Sam than I or anyone else in our friend group is).

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: She jelly girl. Do not participate in the wedding if she is going to be SUCH an AH. You should tell your friend because that is BS all around.

OOP: I’m learning towards just demoting myself to guest. But my friend was so happy to hear that I agreed to be a bridesmaid 😕

Commenter 2: Something is definitely SUS. Either she thinks you’re too close to the groom and is targeting you because of it, or she thinks you’re too pretty and wants to make sure she looks better than you. Either way, targeting is definitely going on. Your male friend might not be your male friend much longer. Considering the targeting, I would tell your male friend the truth and let the chips fall as they may. Tell him you don’t want to be in the wedding because the bride picked out a really ugly dress just for you… and if you are not the MOH, that’s even weirder. You feel like this is some kind of personal attack so you think it would be better to bow out than become some kind of laughingstock on his big day. It will definitely piss the bride off, but it prevents the bride from making up lies about why you wore the dress you did or that you dropped out because you can’t stand to see them get married. If you’ve watched Charlotte at all, you’ve likely seen some bride stories where bridezillas did this to some bridesmaid they hated but felt they had to invite because of the groom. This sounds on par.

OOP: Oh boy ugh. I foresee multiple unpleasant conversations in the near future. I’m just wondering if this was her plan from the beginning, or if something happened pretty recently that made her dislike me.

Commenter 3: NTA This was a very calculated move to make you look bad.

OOP: But why? I can’t figure it out. We’ve never argued and all of our interactions have been pretty positive.

Does OOP still have the possession of both original and new dress?

OOP: Nope—she took the original dress back

Update #1: March 17, 2025 (next day)

Didn’t think I’d have an update so soon, but here we are. I spoke with Riley over the phone last night, and explained the entire dress situation. He seemed more disappointed than surprised, which caught me off guard, and was pissed on my behalf. He then told me what he believes is the reason behind Sam’s newfound hostility towards me: Last month while he and Sam were having dinner with his family, his mother let it slip that Riley and I kinda went on a date a while ago. To be clear, we DID NOT actually date. We went on a double date with a friend and a girl he was into because he was so nervous. I never even counted it as a real date because Riley and I were just there to make our friend more comfortable—there has never been anything even remotely romantic between us. Also, keep in mind that this happened almost 12 years ago. I had honestly completely forgotten about it.

Riley said that he explained everything to Sam to drive home the fact that it wasn’t a real date, but she was fixated on him not telling her about it until now. She said that if it was truly not a real date and if he really didn’t have any feelings for me, then he would’ve already told her about it. Things were tense for a few days, but they later apologized to each other (him for not saying anything and her for overreacting), so he thought that the issue was resolved. That seems to not be the case.

Anywho, Riley plans on speaking with her tonight, so we’ll see what comes of that. Regardless, I don’t think it makes sense for me to continue to be a bridesmaid, even if I’m “allowed” to wear the original dress. Hoping everything works out.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Woooow. That is super unhinged. It's a huge red flag. I agree that you probably should step out of the wedding party.

OOP: Yeah I could not believe it when I heard that that’s why she’s acting a damn fool. Madness

Commenter 2: Why havent' you been asked to be a groomswoman?

OOP: OP has a lot of brothers, so all of them are his groomsmen. There’s already an equal number of bridesmaids and groomsmen. Although, with me likely no longer being a bridesmaid, not sure what the plan would be 🤷🏽‍♀️

Commenter 3: Riley’s mom did that on purpose and no one can change my mind!!! Sam sounds UNHINGED and was prolly hoping this would push either her to breakup in a rage or for Riley to wake up to the psycho he’s about the marry🙄🙄You, unfortunately, were used as the catalyst. VERY UNCOOL!!!

Definitely skip the wedding & keep Riley at arm’s length til he either dumps Sam or handles his mother.

Commenter 4: Well, it seems he has bigger issues to resolve now than handling the dress situation. He's marrying the mental one. That girl is unhinged, getting mad at something that wasn't even a date that happened 12 years ago. I would say, IF this wedding happens, just go as a guest.

Update #2:...

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[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 days ago (1 children)

Update #2: March 17, 2025 (same day, 10 hours later)

Well my fellow potatoes, I have another quick update. Things…don’t seem to be going well. This afternoon, Riley asked me if he could stay at my place for a few days (until he has to travel for work later this week). Of course I said yes, but asked why he wants to stay with me (he literally lives 30 minutes away). He said that he doesn’t want to talk about it right now, so I backed off. He’s currently holed up in one of my guest rooms, and hasn’t come out in hours. I am worried.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: btw do you live alone? because the crazy gf might use this as an ammo to destroy your reputation, saying that you stole her fiance (even now that he's there in your home)

can't he stay with his family?

OOP: Yes, I do live alone. His parents are about as far away from him as I am, so don’t know yet why he didn’t go to them. I don’t mind either way. Besides, my rep is solid and my network is quite a bit larger than hers, so not really worried.

Commenter 2: He's seeing his GF for who she really is. Also...have you considered that Riley may have always had feelings for you, and that's what's making her so mad? I'm sure someone already mentioned this in the comments on the other update, but I am playing catch up!

OOP: I honestly don’t think that’s the case. Trying not to think too much about the situation other than making sure he’s okay.

Commenter 3: Uh oh!!! I won’t lie that I’m glad he’s taking space from Sam after all of your other posts BUT it’s still very sad and my heart goes out to him 🩷🩷

Go pick up his favorite takeout/comfort food & maybe give his family a call just in case. You know him best…good luck.

OOP: Made him one of his faves (rogan gosht), and it’s currently cooking on the stove. Trying to convince him to come out andeat, and watch Doctor Who with me, but no luck yet.

Commenter 4: This is a Sam problem. Not a you problem. Riley should know who he is marrying. Some people are just jealous of everything. But you occupy a lot of rent free space in Sam’s mind. Because she is a jelly fish. (Jealous)!

[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 days ago (1 children)

Update #3: March 18, 2025 (next day)

This afternoon, while Riley and I were at work, I received a call from the security desk of my residential community. Someone was there, claiming that they’re my guest, but they didn’t have a code and their name wasn’t on the visitor’s list—it was Sam. I told security to deny her entry, which they did. Not even a minute later, Sam called me, but I didn’t pick up. She called me thrice before I put my phone on do not disturb, and then 4 more times after I did. She then sent a text saying “You’re causing misunderstandings. You need to send him back TODAY”.

I’m home, but Riley is still at work. Haven’t told him anything yet (don’t want to stress him out while he’s working), but will after he returns to my place. Also, haven’t tried to contact Sam, and I don’t plan on doing so anytime soon—really don’t foresee any convos between us going well right now.

Random kinda funny thing to note: Since yesterday, Sam has been removing me from the bridesmaid group chat, but the other bridesmaids keep re-adding me after noticing that I’m missing. This has happened FIVE times! Omg

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: lol send him back? Do you keep him in a box in your closet? I think you might have helped your friend to avoid a terrible marriage. Please let us know what happens after work!

OOP: I was tempted to respond with something like “sorry, USPS is closed rn”, but figured that wouldn’t help the situation

Commenter 2: How is OP causing misunderstandings? Sam has done all of this on her own. All the OP did was ask the bridesmaids if their dresses changed and informed the groom.

Seriously, what the fuck did she think was going to happen when his close friend walked down the aisle in that monstrosity and no one else did? He'd have known what was happening and why, and he'd have been pissed!

Commenter 3: Misunderstandings? Puke green dress and changes to it for only you… she ought to just have said she didn’t want you as a bridesmaid. Groom could have found another placement for you. The man better run fast out. OP I am glad you have good security but you and Riley need to get somewhere to lay low a little bit. Keep that Crazy away from both of you. Perhaps ask the bridesmaids to stop readding you and leave the group as the bride doesn’t want you. Maybe say something like “Ladies, please understand that there are misunderstandings going on and since Sam doesn’t what me here please respect that. If she ever wants me back let her add me back. Bye.”

Commenter 4: Sam wasn't going to take any responsibility for the dress. She was going to try to convince Riley that OP changed the dress on purpose to ruin their wedding and the plan all fell apart.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 days ago

Update #4: March 19, 2025 (next day)

Last night, after Riley returned to my place after work, I told him everything regarding Sam trying to come to my house, and showed him the text message and missed calls. He was PISSED. I have never seen him so angry in all my years knowing him. He was completely silent but looked like he was 2 secs from setting someone on fire. After letting him cool down for a bit, I asked him if he wanted to talk. He did.

He told me that they always seemed to argue about the same things. Then, she’d pretend to understand and be alright with everything only to bring it up again in the future. A few examples of the main things she’d say/bring up:

Our friend group is toxic and “too close”.

Riley should be thankful to her for keeping his drug habit a secret (a while ago, he mentioned to her that he smoked weed multiple times in uni).

He’s too secretive about work, and I know more about his job than she does (we’re both feds who work in intel, and our offices sometimes liaise with each other).

He spends too much time with his family.

He’d suggested couples counseling a few times, but she kept on refusing. They’d been doing pretty well for the past year or so and didn’t argue much anymore, so he stopped brining it up.

Apparently, the absolute last straw happened the day he asked me to stay at my place. During the argument with Sam that lead to this (initially regarding the dress debacle but snowballing into other topics), in addition to trying to get him to cut me out of his life, she also called me the n-word (I’m black btw, and Riley and Sam are white). According to Riley, that’s when he knew that he was 100% done. Before he left, he told Sam that their relationship’s over. Since then, she’s been blowing up his phone, but he said he hasn’t read any of her messages or answered her calls. She also sent him emails, which he has also ignored.

He’s going to tell his family and our friend group before he leaves for his work trip this week. I encouraged him to consider doing so sooner rather than later before Sam has a chance to try to stir things up. Also, when he returns from the trip, he plans on going back to his place to get his ring back from Sam, and tell her that she needs to find a new place to live (the house is his).

We spent the rest of the night (and part of the early morning) eating leftovers and cookie dough, working our way through some Moscow mules, and watching Monty Python. It’ll take some time, but I know he’s going to be fine.

Thank you my dearest potatoes for all of your insight, advice, and kind words. Love this community ❤️.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I want to say he should tell her to get out of his house before the work trip, because who knows what she'll do to it while he's not in the area. But she could also do the same thing after he kicks her out, unless he gets a security system installed before leaving. While he's gone, you have to be extra careful because Sam might try something knowing he isn't around.

OOP: Yeah, I don’t love that he’s waiting to tell her after he returns from the trip. Luckily, they do have a security system (mostly outside but a few inside as well); account is under his name, but he just changed the passwords and removed her as an authorized user, so she can’t tamper with the system. Well, technically she can if she wanted to smash the cams and other components with a hammer—hopefully that doesn’t happen.

Don’t have to worry about her while I’m at home, but I’ll keep an eye out whenever I’m not.

Commenter 2: He needs to save the “before” pictures so that after she steals or destroys everything he can call the cops on her. You are absolutely correct he needs to get ahead of her controlling the public narrative. He also needs to warn his work that he has a mentally ill ex who is stalking him and that they should ignore any suspicious calls or “emergencies” and not give any info out about him.

OOP: Good idea—suggested taking pics, and he said he’d do it while she’s at work tonight.

He works in intel, so all buildings are very secure. She wouldn’t even make it past the initial security team.

Commenter 3: I’m so sorry you and him are going through this, but in the long run, this is the best thing that could’ve happened to him. She inadvertently ousted him from a lifetime of misery and blatant racism towards one of his closest friends.

I’m so sorry she said that awful thing about you. But glad he knows what kind of person she is.

OOP: Thank you❤️ The blatant racism defs caught me off guard. Good riddance to her.

Commenter 4: Holy Potatoes.

Glad Riley had his eyes open before it was too late.

That list alone has soo many red flags. But then to be saying that word. JUST NO. H E L L N O. I don't care what color you are that is not right on any level. Such trash.

While it might be too quick he needs to go change the locks on his house and kick her out before the trip. Who knows what he will come home to. GET ALL FAMILY AND FRIENDS to go pack her up and put her stuff outside.

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