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This is a place to share greentexts and witness the confounding life of Anon. If you're new to the Greentext community, think of it as a sort of zoo with Anon as the main attraction.

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Anon is often crazy.
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Anon studies Buddhism (lemmynsfw.com)

submitted 1 week ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

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[–] [email protected] 182 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago) (22 children)

Bible stories are the same way, we've just heard them a million times so they don't seem weird

"Hey Jesus what toppings do you want for pizza?"

"Plain with cheese"

Later the disciples are eating pizza with Jesus

""Hey Jesus why did you say you like cheese pizza when you normally order pepperoni?"

"You dumb fucks how dare you not understand my hidden meaning, I am the true pizza and you are the pepperoni, the grease is my blood"

"Oh of course, sorry boss"

[–] [email protected] 43 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago) (11 children)

... And one day, Jesus saw a fig tree. It was not the season for figs, and so there were no figs on the fig tree. But still, Jesus wanted a fig. He was upset there were no figs, and so he cursed the tree to never bear fruit again. If he couldn't have a fig, no one could! Probably bathed its roots in a thin stream of uric acid, I don't know.

Point is, that fig tree never made another fig, and when his followers asked how, Jesus zipped up his pants and said "if you believe in me, you can do anything. Not only can you totally curse trees to death, you can fuckin' teleport mountains into the ocean. That'd be sick, dude."

The Book of Dave, 69:66-6

[–] [email protected] 11 points 1 week ago (3 children)

Thought that one always tied back to the whole "you shall know them by their fruits" thing.

As in those who talk nice but don't produce anything useful (like a fig tree that doesn't produce figs, just leaves) are not really doing what Jesus said. Don't be like the Pharisees hollering out in the streets, just love God and do good in the world.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 6 days ago

There is a story in the Apocrypha (decanonized Bible books) where childhood Jesus turns another kid into a tree. I like to think it's the same tree.

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