BestofRedditorUpdates

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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2025-07-11 04:04:01+00:00.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Fair_Strain_5313

How do I repair things after I really hurt my husband with a comment?

Originally posted to r/Marriage

Original Post Dec 12, 2024

I (36 F) need some advice on how to smooth things over with my husband (38 M) after a recent slip-up.

We've been married for almost 9 years and have two kids—an 8-year-old and a 5-year-old. Our youngest is autistic and has a hearing impairment. Up until our son was 4 months old, my husband was working 12-hour days. Once it became clear that our son had additional needs, he quit his job during COVID to work from home and be more present for the family. He handles school drop-offs, after-school activities, and even dinner while I’m at work.

However, his job still requires him to travel a lot—he's been away for about 70 days so far this year. In November, he was only home for 6 days, and during one of our FaceTime calls, I made an offhand comment about getting used to being a "single parent" while he was away. It wasn’t meant to hurt him, but I saw how upset he was.

Since he’s been back, there’s been a noticeable distance between us. He’s still great with the kids, but emotionally, he seems withdrawn. He’s turned down sex twice since he’s been home, something he’s only done once before after his vasectomy. I’ve apologized, but he says the comment was true and justified.

I'm looking for practical advice on how to reconnect and move past this. Should I just give it time, or is there something specific I can do to fix things?

TL;DR = I made an off-hand comment to my husband on FaceTime about his work travel and it’s really cut him hard.

TOP COMMENTS

rainyday1860

His perspective. Works long hours to make money. Changes jobs to be more flexible with kids. Has to travel. Gets told he is a shit parent and partner.

Dude must be stressed as without that comment.

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First_Pie209

He's upset because its true. He knows it and probably feels bad even though he really shouldn't.

I think you need to apologize and just say I see the sacrifices you're making for our family and I appreciate everything you do. I know you are missing out on things here in order to provide for our family. I can't imagine that being away from us is any easier on you than it is on us. I am sorry and I love you.

Edit: I would also tell him that you realize he feels bad and he shouldnt.

OOP Added in a comment

Ok, so I knew asking random anonymous strangers on the internet would open a can of worms! 😂.

I know my comment was bad, and I said it on the back of 10 straight days of having the kids by myself, knowing that there was another week to go.

I probably should have explained about his work:

My husband works in an industry where WFH is not the norm. His employer is halfway across the country and because he joined them during a lockdown he demonstrated to them that he could do it remotely they let him keep doing it. They’re making noises for him to relocate on-site but as long as his performance is good, they can’t really force it.

Also, he is lucky to have the job he has - he is working towards getting his qualifications in the industry and because his employer was desperate during COVID, they were able to employ him without the usual degrees. He’s still about three years away from being qualified as he studies part-time.

Some other stuff: I won’t go into too much detail about our sex life. It’s infrequent, at best, which is down to me. I underwent cancer treatment about 2 years ago and my libido has been rubbish since. He’s very understanding and forgiving about it.

Thank you to everyone who gave constructive comments. I’ve had a read through and will post an update on what’s happening.

Update July 4, 2025 (7 months later)

Hi everyone. Almost a year ago I posted this thread looking for advice. Since then he and I had a couple of huge conversations which ended in us separating. Apparently it stems back to when he started working from home and he took on the lions share of the household duties. It seems I kind of got used to him doing everything, including investing in our relationship. We’re doing marriage counselling and I’m hopeful of some reconciliation and being able to move back in together at some point. We’re doing week-on-week-off with the kids which seems to be working well for them.

I know I’m not all to blame - he has some big issues with communication and not bottling things up. I think we could’ve got over this earlier if he’d been more communicative.

Anyway, we’ve been a part for nearly 4 months now. Neither of us are dating and I still think things are fixable.

For those who chose to send me DMs saying that I deserved to be divorced or cheated on or assaulted or worse - I hope you have the life you deserve.

For those who have genuine and helpful advice. Thank you. I really mean it. You helped me find the courage to have the honest conversations with my husband and we probably would’ve been on the fast track to divorce if not for your helping me frame my conversations.

TOP COMMENTS

Apprehensive_Coat384

Wait so he was taking care of everything while he was there, but then when he went on the business trips to get BOTH of yalls finances together you told him you’re a single parent? That’s fully hurtful. If I’m wrong please help me understand? Also to the people in the first post saying he needs to change jobs, what kinda fucking world do yall live in where the person can just do this on a whim? This is tragic! And no amount of Reddit upvotes and sympathy can help change how both of these people went into their marriage. All I can say is DAMN! If my wife said that to me after all I do for us I’d rather just do 50/50 because honestly where’s the appreciation for what I can do especially when I do all I can when I am able to be fully devoted too!

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Magres

Apologize deeply and sincerely. Ask him to lay all of his hurt on you. Take all of it. Accept the shame you'll feel for hurting your person, and accept it deeply and without reservation. Commit to doing better, and mean it. Make it clear to him that you want to be the kind of person he deserves to be married to, and do the hard, painful work it takes to make that happen. Weekly therapy, and really hurling yourself into it, is a good start.

But also, you have to accept that things might be too far gone. You need to do it because it's the right thing to do, not because you want to do it to win him back. You might do EVERYTHING right to fix things and have him say that it's simply too far gone and you can't repair things. You have to accept that this is possible and to do the work anyway without expectation of reward.

Do the work for him, but also do it for yourself, and for any future partners you might have if your husband is unable to forgive you. You have to accept that he might never forgive you, or that or might take years before this hurt fades into the background. I don't know you or your husband, but in cases of deep, serious harm it can genuinely take YEARS of hard work before it's truly in the rear view mirror, and you have to be okay with that.

In the end, you have to be willing to do the work to make things right with no expectation of reward. And to truly throw your entire self into making it happen.

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