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Eesh. Sorry. It doesn't sound like a sim card problem if it is not saying there is a sim problem, so removing and readding your card probably wouldn't help..
Mega obvious, hate to ask - restarting your phone doesn't help?
I am holding out hope that its your carrier having an intermittent failure at a really inconvenient time.
EDIT: you said wifi isn't working either. my bad
There are some relatively nuclear options under Settings > System > Reset options. I also wondered if maybe there's something weird happening with power saving profiles. If the phone is plugged in and not on battery saving options that is probably not a concern.
I completely forgot to mention lol I've restarted it multiple times and no dice. I have an e-sim, so I doubt that would be the issue, especially since connecting to wifi doesn't even work. It's super strange cause it says I'm connected, but then the internet just doesn't work. It doesn't even say "connected - no internet" or anything, like it's fully connected. I don't believe it's my carrier cause my partner hasn't been having issues, and it will usually show an exclamation point on the 5G symbol if that's the case and restarting often helps with that.
Also adding, my hotspot works just fine. I'm currently connected to it with my laptop.
VPN/some weird DNS app that might be enabled but broken?????
LOL you are amazing. This was exactly it! I completely forgot I accidentally opened tailscale earlier today and didn't realize it had an always-on connection enabled for some reason. I never properly configured it after getting this phone. Thank you so much! Glad to know I didn't break anything with the tiny fall it had
I am really, really relieved. I did not expect the shotgun approach to work, since I am not big on these OSes, but I've had enough of these problems myself.
Complete bullshit that the problem started after you dropped the phone, though.
Cheers
It might help others if you update your OP with the solution
Oh shoot good point, I'll do that now!