Eesh. Sorry. It doesn't sound like a sim card problem if it is not saying there is a sim problem, so removing and readding your card probably wouldn't help..
Mega obvious, hate to ask - restarting your phone doesn't help?
I am holding out hope that its your carrier having an intermittent failure at a really inconvenient time.
EDIT: you said wifi isn't working either. my bad
There are some relatively nuclear options under Settings > System > Reset options. I also wondered if maybe there's something weird happening with power saving profiles. If the phone is plugged in and not on battery saving options that is probably not a concern.