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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/EyeGlad3032 on 2025-03-20 15:16:30+00:00.
I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwaway1jhb
My girlfriend (21f) has a crush on my (m24) friend (m24) and I don't know how to deal with it.
TWs: Emotional infidelity, trial reconciliation
Original Post December 16, 2014
My girlfriend has been getting on well with my friend and i felt that something was up, just little things like her smiling a lot and laughing too much at his jokes. I talked to her about it and she admitted having a little crush on him. I told her i'm not mad at her and that she can't help how she feels but i need time to think about us now. She is desperate for us to stay together. But the more i think about it the more i think that we need to split up.
I do trust her and don't believe she would do anything with him but i'm crushed that she's has feelings for someone else. I feel like my only options are either breaking up with her or cutting her out when i go out with friends which would be unfair on her as she tells me she has more fun with my friends than she does with her own friends. Call me insecure but i can't deal with having my girlfriend spend time with a guy who she has a crush on. Has anyone got advice on how to deal with this?.
tl;dr: My girlfriend has a crush on my friend and I think I need to split up with her now.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
kaname_madoka
I mean, obviously it's an issue that needs to be addressed. But the conclusion you've rushed to is that the only way to deal with it is to break up with her. Isn't this something you two can handle as a couple? At least consider it first.
OOP
My girlfriend has a pretty friend who i get on with. I work with a girl who is really pretty and we get on really well and if i was single i would probably have a crush on her but i don't have a crush on her or my girlfriends friend because i am crazy in love with my girlfriend and have felt anything for them other than the odd sexual thought because of that. I don't understand how you can crush on someone if you are crazy in love with your boyfriend. This just does not make sense to me. As much as i love my girlfriend i feel i deserve better than someone who cannot give me 100% of her love and affection. Thanks reddit but i think i have made up my mind.
(end of replies)
coral-kitties
How long have you been together? I can understand the insecurity if it's a relatively new relationship because you two should still be in the "honeymoon phase". However, if it's a long-term relationship, you need to remind yourself she's in a relationship with you. You're the one who she goes home to at night and who she shares a life with.
Set some boundaries. Ask her to tone down their interactions for your sake. Spend more time with her friends so you're not always with yours, and inevitably with him.
OOP
14 months together. I don't feel I even need to set boundaries. She's a great girl she's doesn't flirt with him or do anything to make me uncomfortable I just know her really well so was able to pick up on the way she is with him and knew she had a crush on him. I admit that I am insecure.
coral-kitties
Well, good, that means you do have a lot trust in her. She's not doing anything wrong. But if you're willing to throw away a 14-month relationship over a crush, then it must not be all that great?
Frankly, the problem does seem to be you. You need to work out your insecurities whether through therapy or self-reflection or whatever other method works. I know it's incredibly uncomfortable to have to spend time with someone you know your SO has a crush on, but all you can do is trust that it will soon go away. Take this opportunity to be extra loving and attentive. Be more spontaneous, take her out on more dates and reignite that spark!
OOP
Thanks. I've always been a great boyfriend to her. I've always been very loving and attentive but that hasn't stopped her from getting a crush on someone else. I have been in relationships for most of my life and have never had a crush on another girl when i was in love so i guess this proves that i care for her more than she cares for me. I can't blame her for having a crush but i think i know what i need to do now which is end it.
Update December 17, 2014
I was asked to give an update so here goes.
After being told i was overreacting in the original thread i had a long talk with my sister. She assured me that i was not overreacting and that i was doing the right thing leaving her. She stated that in the 12 years she has been with her husband she has never had a crush on another guy. She helped me realise that my girlfriend has emotionally cheated by letting herself get feelings for him and my girlfriend would of carried on seeing him letting her feelings develop if i never called her out on the way she was acting with him. I talked to my now ex girlfriend and told her it was over. It went how I expected with her crying and saying it's just a silly crush but if she loved me as much as she says then she would not get feelings for someone else. I don't know what to tell my friends when they find out that we have broke up as i don't want him to know that she has feelings for him. If he finds out then i wouldn't be surprised if something happens between them and if anything ever does happen between them then our friendship will be over.
tl;dr: Girlfriend has feelings for my friend so i broke up with her.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
lyncati
So you had a girlfriend who was upfront, respectful, honest, and willing to work through this and who did not act upon anything and loved you.
The choice is yours and the damage is done, but in the future you should maybe think about how instant train of thoughts like the one you had is going to result in no long term relationships. There will always be issues like this in any relationship.
The important thing is that both partners communicate (which she did), are respectful and honest (which she was by being upfront, realizing it's a stupid crush, and not acting upon those feelings), and loves their partner enough to work through anything together (which she was) in order for a relationship to last.
bubblysoap
OP. I'm not sure why everyone is downvoting you... You did what YOU thought was right for you. I'm in an LDR with my bf and with him I can't crush on any other guys. I don't feel attracted or need attention from any other guys, JUST him.. Maybe I'm too faithful?! But I don't think you did the wrong thing. You know how the Reddit community is. She's 21 she doesn't know better but you're older and you don't want to play games and risk it. Relationships take work and if it's not worth it then don't waste your time. If you stayed with her and next time you come with an update that she cheated on you with him or something then everyone will call you stupid. Anyways I just wanted to let you know you did it to protect yourself and not waste your time so it's understandable.
Final Update December 20, 2014
After everyone in the last thread insisted I was crazy and overreacted I started to doubt myself so I made the same thread on another forum (bodybuilding.com) for more opinions and funnily enough everyone there was in unanimous agreement that I had made the right decision. I had been on NC since we broke up but I gave in and she came to see me yesterday. She said she would do whatever it takes to make it work between us and I told her I was unsure if things would be the same between us but still she spent the night with me. She admitted that she was not innocent and that she made no effort to fight het crush and agreed that she would spend less time with him. For now we are friends with benefits and we will spend Christmas apart. I will be watching her interactions with my friend closely and if her behaviour around him doesn't change then we will not be getting back together.
Tldr - I'm hoping things work out between us but she is essentially on a trial period for now and if her behaviour around my friend doesn't change then we will be breaking up for good. If you have girl problems go to a different forum but thank you to the handful of posters who did give good advice.
RELEVANT COMMENTS.
croatanchik
I try to be fair when giving advice—admittedly sometimes too fair—but yes, I do think that you're being crazy. Sometimes we do catch feelings for other people when we're in relationships. It's a crush. A fleeting fancy.
But what matters are actions. Her actions: she did NOT act on her attraction to your friend. She instead came to you because she wanted to be honest and work through it.
And instead, you threw it back in her face and broke up with her and now hover over her interactions, waiting for her to slip up. You're also undoubtedly reading way too much into a lot of those actions. At this point, what incentive does she ever have to be honest with you in the future, if this is ...
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