I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Remarkable-Rust-230
Originally posted to r/AITAH
Previous BoRUs: 1
[New Update]: AITAH for not rescheduling my wedding after my sister was widowed?
NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----
Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU
Trigger Warnings: death of a loved one, possibly struggles with grief
Mood Spoilers: sad, but happy at the end
RECAP
Original Post: March 27, 2025
I (34M) am supposed to get married next month. Now I'm not sure it's going to happen.
My partner's sister (35F) was widowed last month. I've gotten a front row seat of how it has rocked my soon to be in-laws. Everyone has really tried going above and beyond for his sister, making sure she's as comfortable as possible. And I truly can't imagine, you know? You'd probably have to institutionalize me if something happened to my boy.
My partner's mom came to him a few days ago and asked if he would consider postponing the wedding. She said they would cover all the lost money, would help us re-plan, etc. Apparently his sister has said there's no way she can attend the wedding, and his mom knew how important it was to him to have her there, so she just wanted to offer an alternative plan.
I'm not very sentimental, but my partner is. Our wedding was planned for the 10 year anniversary of when we met. That's something that meant a lot to him, which makes it mean a lot to me, too.
I'm trying to be sympathetic, but I'm just fucking raging. I can't help it. My emotions aren't allowing me to be objective. I know his mom came to him in good faith, but it makes me so angry to think about this being put on his shoulders a month before our wedding. He was so excited. And now I'm worried that if we don't reschedule, he's just going to be in his head the whole time, feeling guilty and unable to fully enjoy himself.
I know his sister is hurting. I'm trying my absolute hardest not to piss off the family that is soon to be mine, one that's already mine in a lot of ways. Still, I'm so mad. I'd appreciate some objective POVs.
EDIT: Getting lots of shes and hers in and comments. I’m a man. Doesn’t having much weight in the story, just wanted to clear it up.
AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received mixed reactions
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: This sounds like something you should discuss with your partner not random people on the internet. Until you do you don’t actually know how he feels. Whatever you decide together is the right decision for you as a couple. Just understand that there may be consequences with familial relationships depending on the choice you make.
OOP: We’ve talked and he’s torn. I’m trying to follow his lead because this impacts him more than me.
But I’m just so frustrated. Never at him, but them for putting him in his position, by putting this weight on his shoulders. Planning has been a lot of work, but it’s exciting because we know what’s coming. Now we either have to do it for a second time, rebooking everything without that same excitement, or we have a wedding where no matter how good my partner feels, there will be guilt and sadness thrown in too. It’s unfair.
I’m half inclined to agree to cancel it all and elope. No distractions, just us.
Commenter 2: Cancel, get the money back from the in laws. Elope to somewhere fantastic. Throw a KILLER first anniversary party.
OOP: I’m open to this. I’ve always been indifferent to a big wedding. That’s why I’m so focused on my husband’s feelings throughout all of this. This is his baby. I just want to see him so, so happy.
I’ll talk to him about it. As long as he’s satisfied, I am. And I guess there is an asshole part of me that’s still frustrated with how long we spent planning only to have it thrown away, but that’s something I’m trying to work on. Being flexible isn’t always my strong suit.
Downvoted Commenter: Yea YTA. Do you have no empathy/sympathy? While I understand you have a wedding with a lot of expenses. This is a situation where you make the best of it as it wasn’t intentional. Harboring resentment over something like this is WILD.
OOP: Of course I have sympathy for them. I hate that any of this happened. Her husband was a good man.
It’s not about the expenses. I’m frustrated because my priority, my partner, is being put in a really shitty position. I’m more mad at the world than at his family. I just know how much this means to him. Like, that’s my guy. My other half. I hate knowing he has to make this decision, I hate that he’s going to feel selfish and weird about going through with something he’s put his time/effort/heart into. It all fucking blows.
OOP on if his in-laws really like him
OOP: My soon to be mother-in-law and I are really close. There have been circumstances in my life that have made me really wary of parental figures, but I trust her completely. That’s why I know she made the offer with good intentions.
OOP should consider on working things out with his fiance to figure out what steps to take and have grace for his SIL and MIL, especially his partner on the family tragedy
OOP: I appreciate the perspective.
Taking care of my fiancé feels like the easiest thing in the world. It always has. Taking care of other people doesn’t come quite so naturally. For a large portion of my teens and early 20s, I was pretty isolated. Being by myself was something of a survival mechanism back then. And then I met him. I was kind of like the human embodiment of a one-human pet who loves one person and reluctantly puts up with everyone else.
I’ve grown up a lot in the decade I’ve known him. His family has been really good to me. But I think in times like these, when I’m scared and angry and sad, I go back to my one-human stray cat mode.
Hoping that made even the tiniest semblance of sense. Not sure why all these animal analogies are coming out in my comments either.
The point is, sometimes I’m not great at big picture. I can’t imagine what it would be like in her shoes, having to go on with the knowledge of so many unlived moments. I’m not trying to be unempathetic at all. I’m just trying to juggle a lot right now.
OOP on his fiance making decisions regarding the wedding and how he is supporting him
OOP: My fiancé is going to make a decision over the next coming days, and I’m going to support whatever he chooses. This would be suuuper nice though. I would love two weeks far, far away from everyone in the world besides him.
Thank you for the kind comments, they mean a lot. I love him in a way I wish I could tell 15 year old me about to give old me some hope. I would do any number of ridiculous things to make him happy. He’s the kindest, sweetest person. Gentle and warm. I learn so much from him. :)
Update: April 13, 2025 (2.5 weeks later)
I'm a married man. :)
I let my husband take the lead on making the decisions here and let him know I would support whatever he chose. After some discussion, we decided to cancel the wedding and elope instead. My husband said he wouldn't feel right, gathering all his family and our friends without his sister present, but it was still very important to him that we got married on the date we first met.
It was perfect. It was exactly the right choice. It was quiet and intimate and us. There's nothing in the world I love more than seeing him smile, and he was stuck in perpetual :D mode. I was so worried if we had the wedding, I would look over and see him looking anything less than thrilled because it wasn't how he envisioned it without his sister there. I think the complete change in expectation made it easier for him to let go. Again: exactly the right choice. We're on cloud nine.
In the lead up, there was a lot of calling vendors, friends, and family to let them know we were cancelling. It was very short notice and we weren't rescheduling anything, so we lost all of our deposits. Our loved ones were really understanding of our decision, at least over the phone. We had very few people flying in, only three friends, and his mom agreed to cover their flights as well.
Finally, to address my anger. Most of it was directed towards the universe, but I'll admit that I was mad at my mother-in-law. Discussions about our wedding and his sister's grief were ones we were already having. Still, a third party coming to him and making this request felt cruel, in the moment. It felt like a guilt trip, like unnecessary pressure on my husband when he was already having to make these decisions anyway. We eventually made the choice we wanted to make, but he did tell me at one point he didn't want his mom to think he was heartless if we had the wedding without his sister.
Emotions were running high for everyone. I don't think his mom would ever think he's heartless. I know no one was out to get us. His mom was doing her best to make the day comfortable for everyone and navigating that is basically impossible. Still, I'm not sorry for my anger. And maybe that still makes me the asshole, but I'll be the asshole who loves his husband and puts him first in every situation.
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: Congratulations to both! 🍻 to a lifetime of happiness !
OOP: Thank you (and all the other commenters sending congratulations!)
I feel so lucky. Peace was something that didn’t exist for me for most of my life, particularly in my late teens/early 20s. Then he came along and changed everything. 🤍
Commenter 2: Does the family know yet 👀
OOP: Nope. We’ve been in a hotel suite having a little staycation all weekend, so neither of us have been on our phones much at all. My mind has just been on him, haha.
Commenter 3: NTA. You put your husband first, made a kind choice, and handled it with love. Congrats on your marriage!
----NEW UPDATE----
Update #2: April 24, 2025
I wanted to give one last update just answering some final questions that people had.
My MIL did make good on her promise to cover costs. She reimbursed 3 friends of ours for their flights, and us for all the money we lost in deposits.
She is also now aware that we’re married. My husband went over to help her with something and she noticed his ring. I wasn’t there, so this is a secondhand account from him. She was apparently a little annoyed and talked about how much she wanted to be there and that cancelling didn’t mean we had to still run out and get married, especially without telling her. My husband said he was firm in letting her know that we appreciated her reimbursing us, but that our wedding wasn’t something she could just place continuous demands on.
The only person he has trouble standing up to is his mom, and he said “I was thinking the whole time about how you’d be proud of me.” And I am so proud of him! It's probably best I wasn't there. He handled it and there was no risk of me running my mouth.
SIL still doesn't know. She's, understandably, not doing great right now. Neither of us have seen her for a couple weeks now but my husband tries to get her on the phone at least once every few days.
Will we reschedule? I'm letting my husband have the final say with this. Recently we've been leaning towards an extended honeymoon instead.
And finally, am I a sociopath? This question wasn’t posed directly to me, but was being discussed on a different subreddit, along with speculations about my family life and comments wondering why I didn't mention my husband's reaction to the death.
I can put the sociopath rumors to rest — I have a lot of very intense feelings, which is pretty antithetical to the whole concept. It is true my home life wasn't safe or happy, though. I feel like I've made that pretty clear without diving into details. Being gay and being “raised” by small-minded people is rough. I was in therapy for years. So yeah, I'm not great at extended family dynamics. I try. My husband understands. That man has met me where I'm at so many times and I'm so grateful. Oh, I looooooove him. Being treated gently after never having experienced that before was (and still is) life altering.
I didn't come here to discuss anyone's grief in detail. I still won't be doing that. It's not necessary and it's very personal. These posts were about rescheduling the wedding and that question has been answered.
Thank you for all the advice given and all the kind words. It really helped me figure out a solution and feel my emotions without burdening those close to me with them.
Relevant / Top Comments
Commenter 1: NTA
An extended honeymoon sounds like a really lovely idea, and for what it's worth, I really don't think you are a sociopath for wanting to go through with the wedding.
If you had demanded she attend your wedding and made a huge fuss about her not going, THAT would have been sociopathic.
But that wasn't what you were doing.
Take a long honeymoon. Focus on you two and let this all be a reminder to enjoy each other as much as you can while you have each other.
Maybe also send SiL some flowers or a care basket so she knows you are thinking about her? Get her a little something special while overseas so she has something to cheer her up when you guys come back?
OOP: My husband is happy with sight-seeing or being the person who rots on a lounge chair in a resort, he’s up for either. And usually I’m anti-resort but now I’m considering how nice it would be to just take two/three weeks and relax.
The ultimate dream is Scotland for me. The photos make it look so beautiful… but I’m thinking maybe we save Scotland for a regular vacation and stick to something less busy for the honeymoon. I don’t want to go somewhere where we’ll regret just staying in our room for a few days out of the trip, you know? Euro locations have so much to do and see that we’ll want to be out every single day vs a resort, I will happily lock myself away for a while, haha.
If anyone has any recommendations, feel free to drop them. Adult-only + privacy are both really important to us. We’ve been looking into Serenity at Coconut Bay in St. Lucia but we’re very much still just discussing and dreaming right now.
Commenter 2: I'm really confused why anyone would think you were a sociopath, that seems a bit... much.
OOP: It was a bit much. It’s actually a pretty long comment. You can read it here.
One part says, “And it feels like OOP is deciding that this date is so very important to his husband, without ever really talking to the man.” That’s not even being uncharitable about the situation, that’s just completely making things up, haha.
Commenter 3: NTA.You set boundaries, handled it with compassion, and protected your peace. That’s not selfish it’s healthy. Let the gossipers talk. You chose love, not drama. Enjoy that extended honeymoon you earned it.
Commenter 4: “I’m sorry there was some kind of confusion on your end. We planned to get married on that date, and we had chosen the people we preferred to be with us when we did it. You asked us to cancel it, we did. That doesn’t mean we changed our date or plans to be married, just that we agreed we wouldn’t do it where we wanted it with the people we wanted around us. That’s how these things work.”
Done.
ETA: Congratz and I’m so happy for you two!
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