I am not The OOP, OOP is u/wiiltedwallflower
16 years old and my mom arranged a marriage for me ?
TWs: Child Endangerment, Forced Marriage, Emotional Abuse, Family Estrangement, Sexism/Misogyny, Physical /Mental abuse
MOOD SPOILER:>! hopeful!<
Original Post October 11, 2016
I was studying for my math test and listening to music while I study. My mom was on the phone talking to a relative in Pakistan about a wedding and I took my earbuds out, and I started eavesdropping. I wanted to know what was going on and my mom said "I don't know what ‘wiiltedwallflower’ should wear to her wedding." WHAT THE FUCK ! After she ended the call she told me and my step-sister that we were going to Pakistan to "visit relatives."
I faked interest and pretended to be excited, so she wouldn't get suspicious, but I am fucking shocked and I didn't know what to do. I went on travel.gc and I also googled a list of Canadian/ French consulates and embassies in Pakistan. I’m afraid my mom or my relatives will take away my passport and never let me return to Canada ! Then I’ll be trapped in that shithole country with some stranger who will probably abuse me daily. My mom has talked about marrying me off to a guy because my grades are bad and because I don’t “behave.”
I haven’t been to Pakistan since I was 6 and I would never, ever go back. I am ex muslim and I hate all of my mom’s relatives in Pakistan. I remember when I failed a chemistry test and my mom said “Your cousin got grades like yours and that’s why she was married off.” Another time before I wrote my final exams, she said “I’ll find you a doctor husband because girls don’t work.”
I am so scared and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to leave Canada ! I know that we have to go to Paris, France first and I am going to make a run for it when we land, I have dual citizenship with France and my biological father lives in Paris. I haven’t even called my dad and told him what was going on because I’m going to break down in tears and my snitchy step-sister will tell my mom and step-dad on me. On tv and youtube I have seen so many documentaries about desi girls in forced marriages, I never knew that I was going to be one of those girls. Should I call the police before I leave ? or should I ask to go to the bathroom and run away ?
UPDATE: Thank you so so much for the advice ! I am going to make another post about my plan and escape to France. :)
RELEVANT COMMENT
supervacaneouss
Where in Canada are you located?
Edit: if you are anywhere in Ontario (or willing to travel) I can give you a safe place to stay. I even drive. I'm not sure when your departure date is but do not go. Pack as if you're happy you're traveling and run away. When you're far away from your mother and sister then you call your father. See what he says. If there is any ANY indication he is on your mom's side DO NOT GO. If he is willing to take you in, you should go see him alone. Do not tell your mom of your travel plans.
OOP
I am not in Ontario. I have called my father, my mom and step sister don't speak French so they didn't understand. My dad is a white French man and he is not on my mom's side !
~
Update 1 October 12, 2016 (Next day)
First of all, I can't thank you all enough for this advice and support, I'd send you all muffin baskets if I could.
It's the day after I found out about this forced marriage, it wasn't arranged because I haven't given my consent and there's no way in hell I want to marry some old fuck at 16. A lot has happened in the past 24 hours, I have called my dad, boyfriend, family members and trusted friends. My best friend has given me a pocket gps, and she said she will track my location and notify the police if I end up in Pakistan, but I have notified authorities. My dad was furious when I told him that my mom arranged a marriage for me. My boyfriends parents said they would help me if my mom drains my bank account, or if I was taken to Pakistan, they would go there and take me out of Pakistan.
I have printed off copies of my IDs and recent pictures, I have given them to my friends and family. I also told my principal. I started taking cash out of my bank account so my mom can't drain it. But I don't want it to look suspicious, so I'm going to take it out in medium amounts and then hide the money in my safe. My dad said he would help me open a bank account in France, but I'm sure you have to be over 18. I hid my French passport and other IDs in my safe. Another thing I've done is that I am packing my belongings like my clothes, albums, school transcripts, electronics, books etc in boxes and shipping them to my dad's address. I don't know what I'll do with the cash ! I have under $10,000 so I won't face a fine when at customs, but I'll have to declare it.
My mom has also told me she doesn't care where I go or what happens to me, I have hid at my friend's house for a week once after she slapped me for getting a 12/15 on a math test when I was in grade 7 and she didn't call once or anything. I am lucky that my friends let me stay with them. When my mom comes home, I'm going to tell her that I want to live with my dad. I don't know what her reaction will be, but I doubt she'll care. She cares more about my step dad and his kid from a previous marriage. If my mom and stepdad agree, I can have freedom ! no more islam or abuse at home. If they agree, I'm going to call my dad and tell him to buy the plane ticket so I can leave Canada and live in France.
I won't have a problem with immigration or anything because I have a French passport and I have mentioned that in the previous post. ☺️🇫🇷 I know my dad can convince my dad to give up her parental rights and let him have sole custody. I'm sure my mom will lose her parental rights to me because of emotional, physical and mental abuse and this forced marriage is going to bring her down lol. I also have screenshots of my mom's text messages about this marriage, I even have a voice recording as evidence. I am going to confront my mom and stepdad and tell them that I'm going to live with my biological dad tonight, I'll update you all on what happens after !
EDIT: Hey guys, about my dad. I actually grew up with a father for 13 years when I lived in France, I know my dad and I still see him 3-4 times a year even though my mom re-married and we moved to Canada.
Update2: The talk My mom and stepdad came home, I was going to do this confrontation alone and not have anyone there. As my "parents" sat down and asked me why I wanted to talk to them, I got nervous and started to panic ! I was going to change the subject and say something like "can I paint my walls purple ?" but then it hit me, I had to toughen up and tell them that I wanted to live with my dad and not with them. If I didn't tell them, I would've been married off and had my life ruined ! I was too scared to even call my neighbour or my friends mom for security.
I made my mom and stepdad sit down at the dinner table, I told them that I wanted to move to France and live with my dad. They started telling me that France was unsafe, that I was going to get shot. Then I told my mom that she always wanted me to die, lol. My stepdad said that Paris is dangerous and I told him about east vancouver, Surrey, Detroit, Compton, North Edmonton etc.
There was a lot of yelling but I told them that if they hated me so much, they should just give up their parental rights and let my biological father deal with me. There was a moment of silence, my stepdad decided to leave because he thought I was being crazy. My mom called me a disgrace to the family and I said in a very bitchy tone, "why don't you fucking return me to dad ! unlike you he actually cares about me, you fucking deplorable." My mom sighed and calmly replied "if that's what you want, I'll go make the arrangments. But you are making a huge mistake, and you'll regret it for the rest of your life."
The confrontation wasn't as violent as I thought it would be, I had a pocket knife for self defense because my parents have hit me before. It only lasted about 15 minutes ! I'm a bit sad because I thought my mom would try to negotiate with me, or ask me what she did that makes me want to live with my dad who lives in another fucking country ! it's not like my dad lives in a house across the street, or in the same city, he lives in another country and the fact that I have to move to another country for my safety, sanity, freedom and wellbeing sounds fucking crazy ! Instead she decided to terminate her parental rights and give me back to my dad. She just threw me away, she never tried to fix our relationship ! Most moms would fight, beg and plead with their last, dying breath for their kids to stay.
When I think about it, I am better off living with my dad, he actually cares and worries about my well being. I don't even think I should be sad, I mean I got what I wanted. I also realize that I'm so fortunate to have all these friends and family members who actually care and I have these nice strangers online who also gave me good advice ! :) I am better off than most girls in my situation, I mean I can run off to France and be safe there because I have a caring dad unlike most girls in my situation.
The only thing left in my room is my furniture, I packed my remaining belongings into a suitcase and I went to my friend's house. I have already cleared my closet and drawers, I put everything into a box and shipped it to my dad's address. (I don't have many heavy objects and there's a trick on folding clothes to save space. I can share the link, if you want.)
Timeline of events
5:00 - 5:15 PM
My parents came home, I confronted them.
5:20 - 5:40 PM
I ran faster than Usain Bolt to my room, opened my safe and shoved my money, debit cards, passport, ids and my emergency clothes and toiletries into a carry on suitcase. I texted my friend and asked her if I could stay with her and she said yes.
5:50 PM
My friend comes to pick me up and we drive to her house, luckily she lives far, far away from me. When I got to her house, her mom bought us 2 plane tickets to Vancouver. My friend is 18 and she could go as my guardian because I'm 16. The flight is 1 hours 35 minutes, the next flight to Paris and I'll be there at 8:35 AM.
6:45 PM
I called my mom and told her me and my friend were going to Halifax. (I didnt want her to chase me to Vancouver.) Then she said "have fun with that."
I'll be on the plane, but I'll keep journaling and I'll make more updates. Thank you all so so so much !
RELEVANT COMMENT
OmgItsTania
I'm really glad you've managed to get yourself out of what could have been a potentially disastrous situation! Your mother doesn't sound like she deserves to have a level headed daughter like you at all. And it is quite sad to see how she doesn't seem to care about the reasons why you're leaving either :/
I have one question though, are you absolutely sure your mum was actually arranging your marriage? In the first update she just said she didn't know what you should wear to "her" wedding, are you sure she didn't just mean some other relative's wedding?
OOP
I read my mom's text messages ! she told my aunt she arranged a marriage for me, yuck !
~
Update 2 October 12, 2016 (Same day)
Me and my friend went from where we live → Vancouver
Our next flight is from Vancouver → Paris
My friend and I jumped on the next flight to Vancouver ! Right now me and my friend are just waiting for our flight to Paris. My dad will pick me up at CDG airport and my friend will stay in Paris with me for emotional support. I felt bad because my friend had to come with me and abandon her normal routine, but she told me it was okay because she wanted to travel. She told me that she saved up money to travel but she didn't buy a ticket, so I guess I helped her jumpstart her goal to travel around Europe. Our flight to Vancouver was 1 hour and 35 ish minutes, I don't live far from BC lol. Our flight for Paris leaves the next day, so we decided to check into a hotel for the night.
I was scared when the plane took off, I'm not afraid of flying, I was afraid that my mom was going to call the police or try to track my location and that this would become a missing persons case. My friend reassured me that my mom was a shitty parent and that I was so so close to freedom. A couple minutes after the plane took off and I started thinking about my new life in France, I stopped thinking about my awful family and started thinking about how in 1- 2 days I would see my dad and I'd be free at last ! I'll be sitting in a French cafe reading a book, or strolling down the Champs-Élysées.
I was going back to the city of lights after 3 years of darkness ! the only problem I had was my french spelling and learning how to make friends in France. Another minor issue would be getting used to a new timezone and jetlag. I'm also going to miss my friends in Canada, they helped me a lot if it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be waiting for a flight to Paris. I'm also thankful for all the advice I got on reddit ! I finally got the courage to call my dad and read every post :) When I was 14, I wondered what would happen if I went to France and never returned. I was too scared to stay or even tell my mom and stepdad that I wanted to leave and go live with my dad.
I never knew that 2 years later I would be moving back to France, I thought that I would have to wait until my 18th birthday to leave ! I even got a part time job to save up for a plane ticket and to move out when I turned 18. After my mom told me that she would "make arrangements" last night, I saw it as my last chance to escape, before something bad happened. 😢 I don't know what they're capable of, I could've been killed, kidnapped etc who knows !
By the way :)
I speak fluent French, I need to work on my spelling because it's awful lol.
My mom is terminating her parental rights, my dad will get sole custody of me and my mom won't have access to me. I'm not sure how this parental right termination will work, but I know my mom is giving my dad sole custody.
I took all of my Ids and documents from my mom's house. As soon as I heard her talking about my marriage, I rummaged her room and I found a large file folder with my documents in them. To make it less suspicious, I shoved paper in the folder. My mom has a bunch of envelopes full of childhood pictures, I took them all out and placed sticky notes and cards into the envelopes. It may be illegal but it's petty compared to forcing a 16 year old into marrying a 40 year old !!!
I can still complete highschool this year and get my diploma. :)
My bank account has been cleared, there's only $45.79 in there now.
I have read my mom's textmessages, she was talking to my aunt about how she arranged a marriage for me. I took a picture of those messages with my phone, printed them off as evidence and sent them to my dad.
Also, if you're exmuslim and your family is like mine TELL SOMEONE ! tell your doctor, teachers, construction worker, employer, mailman, friends, neighbours etc. I'm not being biased but it's best to not tell anyone who is close to your parents ! I never told anyone who was Desi and muslim because my mom has bitch friends with snitchy kids who are desi and muslim. It's better to tell people who are non- muslim ! I told my friend in French class last year about what goes on at home, he said he was so sorry and said that he was there for me ! people actually care ! please tell someone !
Overall thank you all so so much for the support and the nice comments :) I'll get back to making another update in a couple weeks ! I'm going to be in France in 9 hours ish after I board the plane, then I can start my new life. Au revoir :)
RELEVANT COMMENT
NeoMarxismIsEvil
Sounds like good news. Nobody is trying to stalk and kill you, and you're free of forced marriage problems.
If you had not been eavesdropping on your mother how likely do you think it is that you could have actually ended up in Pakistan in a forced marriage? It sounds like you may have gotten kind of lucky that you learned of her plans before you got duped into getting on a plane.
I guess the moral of the story is, anyone who thinks they have a parent or parents who might try to dupe them into a trip to some place for a forced marriage probably need to be nosy about what they're up to.
OOP
I am very lucky that I have caring friends and a dad who knows my mom is CRAZY ! Before I travel, I let my friends know where I am and when I'll be back, if I don't show up for a while my friends will know somethings not right and they would call authorities.Also, I'm quite sneaky, I never trusted anyone in Pakistan and I would've hid my passport, cellphone and numbers to the French/Canadian embassy.
~
Update 3 November 26, 2016 (More than a month later)
So.. it’s been awhile since I’ve made an update here. I am now in France, away from my psychotic, narcissistic mom and step- dad. The friend who came with me has gone to Greece. I’ve been getting used to France again permanently before I used to visit my dad for a week or two and I’d just be a tourist but now I actually live here again and luckily I don’t have “Paris syndrome.” I can also still finish high school here, get my diploma and go to university but I want to take a gap year and I’m not sure if I want to stay in France for university. Also my mom’s parenting rights have been terminated, and she doesn’t have custody of me anymore phew.
I’m glad I’ll never have to see my shitty mom and stepdad ever again. I’m glad my dad isn’t Muslim, he saved me from being trapped in an Islamic shit hole country and being raped, abused by some 40 year old that my mom wanted to marry me off to. When the plane landed in Paris, I finally felt free and safe. I wasn’t in another country away from my mom and shitty stepdad. It’s funny how some of my classmates think that I’m on vacation because my friend posted a picture of her and I when we went to the Eiffel tower. Only two of my friends know what really happened but I know they wouldn’t tell anyone what happened. My first month here has been very weird.
My friend wanted to go sightseeing and I don’t blame her. It was fun showing my friend around Paris but I knew that I wasn’t a tourist anymore and that I now live in France, permanently. Overall, I’ve made friends and I was still in contact with some of my childhood friends. So yeah, I didn’t have that much culture shock or trouble adjusting. I’ve been studying French but my dad said that my French is fine.
My dad is mad at my mom for arranging a marriage. My dad told me I was a human being and not commodity to be sold to the highest bidder, and then he said my mom was a deplorable and a disgusting woman for whoring me out and planning to leave me in a country where I have no contacts and I don’t speak the language. I am much happier now because I’m the only child and I don’t have an annoying step - sister snitching on me to my parents, or going through my bedroom. Overall my life is better now because my mom is out of it and I want it to stay that way.
My dad got my mom’s parenting rights terminated and I think it’s amazing because now my mom can’t hurt me anymore. I’m not sure what I will study in University but I also want to do something to help other girls in my situation. I think I want to write a book one day about what happened to me, but I’d have to use a pen name.
But I feel so relieved that I don’t live with my mom anymore. I have less acne and I lost weight because I don’t have to hide my double life from her anymore. My dad and I went through my childhood pictures and we cut my mom out of those pictures. Some karma and legal justice, my dad doesn’t have to send child support to my mom anymore and now my mom and step- dad can’t spend $ a month on useless stuff anymore. Now they are fucked ! I am just really happy that I have a white, non- Muslim dad who doesn’t care if I hang out with my friends or if I fail one, small meaningless test.
I can actually be a teenager now, also I don’t have to go back to Pakistan ever again which is great. But I’m glad I found this subreddit, you guys helped me a lot. Thank you so much.
RELEVANT COMMENT
[deleted]
I followed your story on this subreddit.
I'm super glad that things have worked out for you. Please keep safe though - you are still very young and shit happens even in civilized places like France.
Also you should pay some attention to your studies :) Not for your parents but for yourself. Not to please anyone but to satisfy your curiosity about the world. Learning is fun if you do it for the right reasons.
I encourage you to start writing down your thoughts and your memories. Who knows if you are a good writer some day you might create something like the "Anne Frank Diary" (but without the tragic ending). I will definitely buy a copy if you do :)
OOP
True, I like learning but sometimes I fail in Math or Chemistry, lol. I have been writing daily ever since I was 15. If I do write a book, I'll send it to you for free. :)
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