I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/throwaway_astrogirl
Originally posted to r/AITAH
AITA for insisting my mom choose a side between me and my brother
Thanks to u/soayherder & u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU
Trigger Warnings: past trauma, emotional abuse and manipulation, assault and battery, PTSD, mental health struggles, attempted murder, vivid descriptions of attack
Mood Spoilers: depressing
Original Post: April 4, 2025
This happened a few years ago but is still a major issue in my family. I (25F) am the youngest and only girl of my siblings. Me and my mom (50F) live in a different state and decided to visit home and my oldest brother (31M) offered to house us with his family. The first night there, my mom went out with some old friends and my brother and his girlfriend (32F) asked to hang out with me in their home for the night.
After their kids (4 kids between the ages of 9 months and 12) went to bed, we started drinking and talking about random things since this was the first time I had actually met this girlfriend and spent time with her. While talking, his girlfriend asked about our childhood and what he was like as a kid. And I answered honestly: he was a bad kid. He ran away, he spiked our mom’s boyfriends drinks with bleach, he fought at school almost daily and was suspended constantly until he dropped out. Something I thought was funny to joke about was not funny to him and he got angry. Me and his girlfriend laughed it off (we’re all very drunk at this point) but I could tell he was getting angrier and angrier. Then he asked me “if I just punched you right now it wouldn’t be funny would it?” Again, drunk me laughed it off thinking we were just talking about our lives and childhoods. We were not abused or neglected as children so I truly didn’t see this as me laughing at traumatic events or making fun of him.
And then in a split second he punched me. Over and over. I remember protecting myself as I fell and getting back up and throwing anything in front of me as I tried to move out of the way. And then I was back on the floor, mouth bleeding, disoriented and crawling to the couch for help. The kids ran into the room scared and crying and his 9 month old was crying hysterically. He was screaming and yelling at his girlfriend “it’s not funny! it’s not funny!” as she tried to calm him down. He even saw me on the couch crying and bleeding and threw a cup of alcohol in my face and called me a bitch. And then he said: “I hope you know you’re gonna fucking die tonight”.
I remember running into the bathroom and locking the door and I heard him searching desperately for a knife in the kitchen drawer. I called my mom as I hysterically cried and told her he was gonna kill me and she begged me to open a window and run. He began banging on the door, describing how he was going to stab me, gut me, as I tried to open the window; I think I even accepted at this point I was dead and just pondering how it would feel.
And then he stopped. I waited and realized my mom had begun breaking down the door to get to me because he was looking for a new knife to kill me with.
After this, I went to the hospital and although I had no broken bones, I was bleeding and my entire face was bruised and cut. I pressed charges against him and after almost 3 years, he was caught on a separate charge and now the case is moving forward this month.
My mom, in her opinion, has tried to stay neutral but I think in her way of staying neutral she has taken his side. She has told me that being beat was a “consequence” of saying rude things to him and that I’ve already won because he’s been in jail for months and should drop these charges since he’s facing other criminal charges.
Yesterday, I blew up and cried and told her she was stupid and dumb for ever suggesting that I get over this and I can’t believe she would want to be neutral and not take my side. She hung up the phone and we have not talked since.
I feel like I might be TA because I don’t have kids and I don’t understand what she might be going through having to choose between us. It’s also important to mention my brother has previously been diagnosed with a mental illness and has done violent behavior like breaking windows, stealing, going on car chases from police, and fighting before so I feel like our family has become so immune to his behavior that me pressing the issue and demanding accountability is making everyone uncomfortable. But I also feel like her seeing what I looked like after he beat me, hearing me describe what it felt like and how it has damaged me (I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety) should automatically make her take my side and support my decision to take this to court.
AITA?
TLDR: my brother tried to stab me and my mother is asking for me to drop the charges and insists that she cannot choose between her children on which side to take in the situation.
EDIT: here is the link to my update on this situation. https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1k7qzen/update_aita_for_insisting_my_mother_choose_a_side/
AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA
Relevant / Top Comments
Commenter 1: This can't be real, if the cops were called they would recommend the DA press charges themselves and the kids would be removed from the home since he's a psychopath.
OOP: In my moment of panic, I didn’t call the police I just called my mom for help and she took me to the hospital. I went to the police the next day and they basically did nothing until I got a phone call a few months ago that he was arrested for something else. The DA did apologize and said he had no idea how this case slipped between the cracks and why it took so long for him to be arrested. The kids are still in the home and he is still with GF.
Commenter 2: I stopped reading after the very first sentence. NTA.
If one child is a sociopath who tries to stab people, clearly she should be on the other kid's side.
OOP: Thank you for responding and for your honesty. Part of why I made the post is because for the last couple years, multiple family members have told me that expecting my mom to choose a side is irrational and that I should stop pushing this, drop the charges, and handle this “as a family”. After the argument with my mom, it really started making me question whether I am being irrationally biased and TA for bringing this situation up for so long and making her choose between us.
I really thought people here were going to tell me I was letting my emotions blindside me and I’m TA for yelling at my mom and pushing for her to make a clear stand because I’ve been hearing it for years now. But hearing the opposite from so many people is actually mind boggling and I needed it.
Commenter 3: Your mother has picked a side and she is wrong. Please proceed with the charges. Those poor kids, that man should NEVER be around children.
NTA
Commenter 4: WOW, unbelievable how your mother is reacting! maybe for your own mental health you should cut off all contact with your mom too! Your brother literally tried to kill you and in no world is that ok or forgivable. Continue with the charges because he needs consequences and he needs help! You need to protect yourself and not have contact with your mom! You should never doubt you are doing the right thing!
Update: April 25, 2025 (three weeks later)
Hi everyone, I wanted to give an update since a lot has happened since my original post, and I’ve felt so conflicted and alone in it all.
Link to the original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1jrlzsd/aita_for_insisting_my_mom_choose_a_side_between/?share_id=3o7qWTVVZ8OMaY8LCi_aC
TLDR at the bottom
For context: a few years ago, my older brother beat me violently during a drunken conversation, to the point that I thought I was going to die. My mother has stated that I shouldn’t testify against him and that I’m TA for making her pick between us when she’s supposed to be “neutral”.
As the trial started approaching, my family started pressuring me heavily to back out. My mom told me that I should let this go because my brother has “suffered enough” by losing his girlfriend, his kids, and facing time in jail for other charges. She says I’m pushing too hard and that my testimony will send him to prison rather than letting him finish his time in jail even though I didn’t ask for jail time. I requested a plea deal that focused on probation, a mental health evaluation, and mandatory medication adherence. I just wanted him to get help and even that was too much.
She also told me I’m “contributing to what Black men go through,” which feels incredibly manipulative, considering she has never once asked me what I need to heal or how this has affected me. Everything is about my brother, his image, and how to keep him out of prison, not about what I experienced or what helps me feel safe. My brother had someone post on social media about him getting released soon (not happening) and my mother commented and said “can’t wait for you to be home soon!” So a side was clearly chosen here and it’s not mine.
And then it got worse. My mom, father, and grandmother have all reached out trying to get me to drop the case. My father (mind you, this is MY father not my brothers since we’re half siblings) told me “it’s not like your brother molested your kids or killed your husband” as if those are the only two scenarios that justify testifying. He said I’m ruining the family and making myself look bad by going forward. Then I found out my mom gave my father the name of my prosecutor without telling me, and they emailed the prosecutor pretending I had changed my mind about testifying because it “wasn’t really a big deal”. Thankfully, the prosecutor reached out to confirm, and I told him it wasn’t true.
Trial was this morning and my brother decided to plead guilty and ask for time served and I was not allowed to testify. I felt like it was another thing he stole from me. My mental health, my feelings of safety, the love from my family, and now he took my moment of confrontation. However, he’s back in jail because he is still awaiting sentencing for 11 other charges and facing decades in prison.
I called my mother afterwards and told her I didn’t testify and that I knew she emailed the prosecutor (she denied and said she had nothing to do with it but was happy my father did it nonetheless). She said I sided with the system and contributed to another Black man in jail and should be ashamed of myself and then hung up. I texted her and said I still loved her and I wish that one day we can go back to being best friends again because I miss her. She hasn’t responded. So much for neutral right?
Thank you for all the kind words and everyone who told me they had been through something similar. My brother has taken so much from me and I feel alone, defeated, and empty. Part of me is happy this is over but the cost of my family is something I never even considered when he attacked me three years ago. I don’t know how I will pick up the pieces or get through this immense sadness but I will try.
TLDR; my parents tried to have the case thrown out by lying but couldn’t. My brother pleaded guilty to assault and battery and I couldn’t testify. My mother is not speaking to me anymore.
Relevant Comments
Does OOP's brother have any other charges against him that are unrelated to OOP's situation and if her testimony wouldn't have any impact on other charges?
OOP: Yes, he has about 11 other charges unrelated to me including having a weapon as a felon. Actually, he never even went to jail for my charges until this year when he was caught on the other charges and they realized he had a warrant for his arrest for almost 3 years that they did nothing about.
I confirmed before court that my testimony wouldn’t have any impact on the other charges and I was told that the other charges were so severe that it was unlikely a judge would even care about what happened today. And even then that wasn’t enough reassurance for my mother. She said it didn’t matter that I didn’t actually testify but WANTING TO is the same as actually doing it.
Why aren't OOP's parents being held accountable for lying to the prosecutor about the ongoing criminal trial?
OOP: The prosecutor told me he didn’t report my parents specifically for the fact he felt bad for me that I was being harassed by so much family and he didn’t want to make it worse by reporting them and giving them another reason to harass me. I’m so thankful he did it because I can barely handle the ostracism as is.
I get that people post fake stuff up here trust me but this is unfortunately very real and I would post the photos of my beat up face if I didn’t want to remain anonymous.
Commenter 1: While you didn't get to testify during his guilty plea, is there any way that you can prepare a victims impact statement to be read at his sentencing hearing?
Even though it's not trial testimony, if allowed, you would be able to express to the court how his actions have affected your life/health.
OOP: They sentenced him at the same time as the plea hearing to time served and allowed me to make a statement then. I was honestly just so shocked and disappointed and trying not to cry that all I could say was “I hope he gets help and I’m sad that our relationship has been reduced to this”. He refused to say anything. I just hate that I wasn’t prepared to make a statement because I had spent so much time prepping myself to testify. It’s part of why I’m having the feelings I’m having…like I didn’t get to actually get any of those feelings off myself they’re still here. He just keeps taking things from me and that was one of them.
Commenter 2: Can I ask what makes you keep going back to people so obviously don’t care about you? I don’t have parents so I don’t understand it. What is it that they bring to you that you keep going back for?
OOP: Hi, me and my mom were extremely close before this. As in I’ve had people say to us “I thought me and my mom are close but you guys are close!” We see each other every weekend, we talk three times a day at minimum, we were so close. She actually was the one who told me to pursue charges 3 years ago. I think the switch up happened when she realized he was going to jail for a long time and needed a scapegoat for her feelings and it was me. Even through all of this, she’s called me and came by to apologize and tell me she could never choose anyone over me because she couldn’t imagine life without me. So it’s hard when she tells me how much she needs me and then switches to hating me so quickly.
OOP on going no contact with her family after what has taken place
OOP: I do think I have to go LC/NC with everyone because I’m realizing how toxic it is that I have to defend my feelings to my parents almost everytime we talk. I’ll have a few months off work soon and I’m going to try to use that to rebuild my life back with just myself and good therapy. I hope to look into some domestic violence shelters soon to find a community of women who understand what I’m going through.
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