STATUS: Marked as concluded as user is deleted.
CONTENT WARNINGS: Sexual Abuse, Grooming
MOOD WARNINGS: Infuriating in the comments AITAH For Refusing to met the Biological Child I Do Not Claim - Posted March 13th 2025
When I (28M) was 16 I was groomed later SAed (by today's standards) by my manger 23F at the time. She had gotten pregnant. Now that child has reached out to me. It has gotten to the point that they are stalking me online. The mother contacted my girlfriend who is rightfully upset. It feels like they took away our safety. I have become paranoid in public. Everyone that I talked to about this including my boss since he noticed my work has been slacking, has told me that I own this child a meeting. That every child has the right to know who their parents are. I disagree. I wanted nothing to do with that child when I was 16 and still do not want to be involved. My girlfriend thinks if I met him all this would be over. I think they will want more from me. I feel like this makes me an AH since I also never financially provided and most likely won't. I want this to stop.
Update: To start I was not and still am not on the right headspace to revisit trauma that occurred 12 years ago. I also know that there are freaks who only want more details about the SA/Rape to wank off to.
To clarify I grew up in a Catholic household the 4th child out of 12. Being born a male meant at 16 it was required by my parents that I get a job to help financially put food on the table. At 16 we (siblings) were taught "abstinence until marriage". That any sexual act violates our body and breaks the trust and bond towards our future spouse in the eyes of God (which is why I never proposed to my girlfriend). We were never taught to not trust adults. Our parents failed to teach us consent, power dynamics, and grooming tactics. I was a prime target.
The grooming started with attention I liked as I didn't get it from home. Positive affirmations about my work. Soon there were friendly lunches. I mean to me at 16 we were "friends" eating lunch together. Nothing strange. She gifted me clothing that is when I felt uncomfortable. The clothes stayed in my closet until one of my siblings started wearing them. Nobody in my household questioned where the clothes came from. I tried to make excuses as to why I couldn't be alone with her, "I have too much work right now." Eventually she called me into her office and asked if I knew the age of consent. I didn't. 16 is the answer. She admitted to being attracted to me. That if I was to keep being a man and providing for my family I would do as she instructed. I didn't say no or fight back. I was scared of losing my job. I was terrified of my parents finding out. I blamed myself for having my virginity stolen.
We now know that cases of SA and rape are difficult to prosecute. The victim's testimony is what matters the most. I was a male so I had that against me. I didn't fight back or say no. Clearly that means I wanted it, right? I wanted to brag to my peers ( what peers? My siblings? Other children that attended the church?) about bagging some hot 23 year old that I worked for? Society 12 years ago viewed male victims differently than they do now.
The guilt of sinning had eaten at me. I went to confession and told everything. I was told by the church to remain hushed. I was silent for 12 years. Now my parents know and they resent me for denying them a relationship with their grandchild. My siblings want to stay away from their children. I asked my girlfriend for space so she isn't a casualty in my shit trauma. My boss reached out and apologized for what he had said in the moment. He thought about it and realized that he may have negativity affected me. He also offered to pay for my mental health care at the really nice facility he found that specializes in rape trauma. He reassured me that my job with his company is secured. I may take his offer. Reading some of these comments I realized that I am not okay.
I also reached out to my cousin's wife (divorce lawyer) she says if I take any legal action the outcome may not be what anyone wants. The word would get out and that child will also be known as having a child rapist for a mother along with a dad who left them. She is preparing medical records to send over and a verbal warning about the online stalking. I don't know who is behind the screen. A tech savvy 11-12 year old wanting answers or her using this opportunity to victimize me again. Either way no matter what I choose I will be considered an AH with trauma and that child will have some sort of trauma as well.
TOP COMMENT - POSTED SAME DAY AS POST
OP, this comment section is a mixed bag.
Here's my take: Lockdown your entire online persona.
Every single account. Set them all to private/friends only. Comb through your friends list and followers, remove anyone you do not know personally.
You want to have your entire online presence be that of a silhouette. There, but difficult to see the details of.
Make it as hard as possible for them to see any details about you, except for your name.
I remember how it felt.
Edit: Thank you for the awards and upvotes, everyone!
BOTTOM COMMENT - POSTED SAME DAY AS POST
Legally. Nope Morally. Kinda the AH Ethically. YTAH. She has destroyed two lives. The child is looking for guidance into becoming a man.
You don’t have to bond with him. Do need to get a medical history put together. For the purpose of questions later in life. Also you would not have to worry about future interactions.
Have they contacted your parents?!
This is a tough one. My suggestion is to FaceTime the first meeting gauge from there. Video call can be terminated quickly.
Wish you luck dude.
Update: Refuse to Meet Child I don't Claim - Posted April 22nd 2025
https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/BGHbZf7523
The support I have received on my post was overwhelming. To find out that this post has been shared to FB, TikTok, and other media sites has me feeling so grateful. No words can describe how the comments helped heal that damaged 16 year old. I had read some of the most beautiful replies from a variety of individuals. Mothers, fathers, grandparents, expressing how much they wished they could have hugged and comforted me, since my parents and other adults in my life had failed me. Victims/survivors sharing their experience and relating to how I felt offering comfort and advice. To lawyers explaining what steps I can take legally to protect myself. I have no words to describe the gratitude. Thank you everyone for the support.
The most important part of this update is yes the mandatory DNA test confirmed that child is biologically mine. Since another man had legally adopted him, I am not obligated to pay child support. I also have a cease and desist order in place. My lawyer handed over my medical history.
As for my personal life I had more downs than ups. Starting with having to check out of the facility so the company I work for doesn't fall behind. The temp that was hired cannot keep up with the workload and the option was to take my job back or be hired to a different position for the company at a later date. I still attend therapy sessions and found a therapist that I trust.
My girlfriend is now an ex. She ended the relationship since she couldn't watch me self destruck. I don't blame her. She is doing well and her new boyfriend treats her great. I wish them the best.
Since she left I was able to downgrade my two bedroom to a one bedroom. The apartment manager was very helpful and understanding. He even waived the pet fee since I also got a dog. She was found around the office and became the office dog before I took her home. We named her Tuna Can and she is always welcome at the office for work. I am happy to have her as my companion.
This is the more rough part of the update. My mother took it upon herself to trick me into seeing her at a restaurant which she happened to invite the child to. I walked out. I made it clear in my letter that I sent with my medical history that I didn't want a relationship and listed my reasons. I explained that his existence is my trauma. I stated that I was not his dad and I choose not to be. The man who adopted him is and he's doing a great job. Since she did this I cut my parents from my life. I do not need toxicity while I work on my mental and spiritual health.
TOP COMMENT - POSTED SAME DAY AS POST
Your mom’s a real piece of work, you made the right choice cutting her out after that stunt.
Best of luck to you with navigating this situation
BOTTOM COMMENT - POSTED SAME DAY AS POST
I'm going to take a different approach. While your mom was a piece of work manipulating you into seeing your biological child, and while you may not want a relationship... Maybe your child does. Step father may be nice but you're bio dad.
How many TV shows are there where adult kids try to find the parent that gave them up just looking for answers. Maybe instead of cutting it off completely you go to therapy and consider how to address the child you gave up, and what happens if when they are older THEY seek you out.
Change your perspective and think of the kid a little.
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