I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/BigExplanation3582
**Originally posted to r/CharlotteDobreYouTube
AITA for 'seducing' my ex's older brother and ruining their family?
Thanks to u/queenlegolas & u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU
Trigger Warnings: abuse, alcoholism, infidelity, emotional abuse and manipulation, controlling behavior, stalking
Mood Spoilers: terrifying, but OOP is going to be okay!
Original Post: April 6, 2025
I honestly don't know how to get around it, it's been a couple of weeks and I'm genuinely confused as to what I did and if there were things I should/could have done differently. Anyway, this is going to be a long one, so buckle up, grab a snack and bear with me.
I, 27F, was in a rather bad relationship about 4-5 years back. It was a textbook toxic relationship and there are very few things in life that I regret as much as I regret staying in it for a year and a half, which was a year and a half too much.
Just to give some context, this person, let's call him Chad was a year older than me, we met in college, became friends and eventually grew closer after we both graduated. Anyway, the initial courtship period was a dream, which I now realise was severe love bombing. It's like he worshipped the ground I walked on. He showered me with compliments, small thoughtful gifts, hand written letters, the works. I WAS SMITTEN. However, one point of contention since day 1 was his insecurity - how he didn't believe he got someone like me, or how people apparently looked at us weirdly, because they couldn't believe he landed me.
Five months into the relationship, things took a permanent turn for the worse - his insecurity was through the roof, I wasn't allowed to have any guy friends, there was constant negging, regarding my body, clothes, taste in music, the way I spoke, EVERYTHING. Also, I realised he had an alcohol problem and constantly micro cheated. Engaging with his exes over late night video calls, flirting with anyone and everyone under the pretext of friendship. He was my first, so I was extremely attached and couldn't leave until he finally cheated on me with someone he apparently saw a little sister and grew up with.
I can't believe I lost my self esteem and peace over a guy built like a wet cigarette; but I digress.
I had made post about him earlier on this sub as well.:
Now coming to his older brother, let's call him Dan. Dan had always been polite with me, acknowledging me with max a nod or a smile or a hello.
However, Chad was really uncomfortable with these 'interactions' because a) Dan was vvvvv private and had never spoken to any of his other girlfriends. b) Dan had told him on a few occasions that I was too good for him & he shouldn't screw up.
Okay, now coming to the main issue of how I apparently seduced Dan.
7 months ago I moved to a different city for work. I live alone in a two bedroom and my house is the go-to hangout spot for the few friends I've made here. Not like a party spot, but like a glass of wine, good food, safe space kind of a spot. I love cooking and hosting people, and my friends definitely reap the benefits, I'm THE mom friend.
Anyway, about 4 months back, one of my friends was supposed to come over and she asked to bring a friend who'd recently gone through a break up. I didn't mind.
When they showed up, I realised that this friend was Dan. We were both surprised and visibly uncomfortable. A few moments after settling down, he randomly blurted out that he knows his brother did me dirty and he'd understand if I wanted him to leave. This statement actually helped cut the tension in the room and I was okay with him being over, after all he had always been nice to me, and I had a really good relationship with my ex's family, so I didn't ask him to leave. The three of us got drunk, consoled Dan and talked the night away.
This started becoming a frequent affair (not the drinking though) with them coming over at least 2-3 times a week, at times Dan would stay even after the other friend left. Usually for dinner, because he missed home cooked food, I didn't mind.
Now, the friend who'd come over with him went out of town last month and this is when I think I should have acted differently. Dan started showing up alone for these weekly dinners now, he'd come way early and try and help me cook and stay really late, usually not even getting up to leave until I dropped several hints.
On the last of these occasions, he shows up with my favourite wine and food, as a sort of thank you for being such a good friend, despite everything. We eat, we drink, we talk and drink some more and it's pretty late, when Dan tells me he drove to my place that day (he usually avails cabs) and that he's too drunk to drive back, so if I could let him crash at mine. I hesitantly agreed, given I had a spare room and also there wasn't any other reasonable option tbh. This is when things started getting worse I think.
He started talking about what he thought of me when he first met me and presenting rather detailed observations about me from the time I dated his brother, and loads of other stuff, some compliments, some vulnerable statements, so very awkward jokes etc.
After a little while he tried to kiss me.
Not like leaning in to kiss me, but more like it suddenly occurred to him he should do it, so he just grabbed my face and tried to kiss me. I pushed him away and went numb for a minute and then slowly went to my room and locked my door. I couldn't think and felt extremely hollow. I lay in bed awake for the remaining night. The next morning he was gone before I woke up.
Three days after the incident I get a call from an unknown number and pick up to realise it's my ex. He's wailing hysterically and screaming over the phone, calling me a wh*re for 'seducing' his brother and that I ruined his family and his relationship with his brother and that I did a hideous thing for revenge which is wayy worse than what he did to me. There was a lot of name calling, accusations. Because his brother isn't talking to him and his dad refused to get involved. So he feels completely abandoned. I didn't say a word and hung up, shaking.
Turns out Dan had left that very night and called Chad cussing him out for ruining his chances with me, telling him he always had a thing for me and knew Chad didn't deserve me.
So, AITAH for seducing/leading on my ex's older brother ?
Relevant / Top Comments
Commenter 1: You’re not the AH he was pursuing you with the intent to date or hook up. That’s why he brought the wine and drove. It was an excuse to stay.
I think he perused you taking advantage of the situation and your sympathy. I suggest avoiding this entire family. They don’t seem to make the best choices or handle relationships/friendships well.
OOP: The car thing was definitely a sign. Tbh I feel kinda stupid for not gauging this earlier.
Commenter 2: So let me get this straight. One brother verbally and mentally abused you, the other brother sexually assaulted you, then the first brother called and verbally abused you some more and you want to know if you're the AH ? Really ? Block these 2 douchbags. They don't deserve another second of your thoughts
OOP: The ex has been blocked since eons. The other one is blocked now. I'm really not letting anyone from that family have any access to me moving forward.
Commenter 3: NTA
Neither brother is good for you. One is insecure and controlling and the other is manipulative.
The brother set the whole thing up to pressure you into letting him stay the night and wanted to at least hook up with you. From the sounds of it, he’s been hoping/planning for this for years and he finally had the opportunity to put his plan into action.
Time to make it clear to the local one the only relationship you will willingly have with him is a friendship. Keep blocking the ex. It sucks that neither of them appear to care about your feelings.
Additional Information from OOP after reading comments
OOP: Thank you everyone for being so understanding. I am going to have a proper conversation with the friend who's a common link, sometime today or tomorrow. As for staying friends with Dan, HELL NO! I'm done with their family for good.
Update: April 28, 2025 (a bit more than three weeks later)
Firstly, apologies for taking so long to post an update. I honestly had no intention of posting one, but then things kept unfolding on the daily and we are close to a month later, now.
Secondly, thank you to everyone who has been super supportive and understanding, your words really helped me. This past month has been nothing short of a fever dream and this post is going to be LONGGG! So, let's begin.
Ever since the night of the incident and the phone call from the ex, things had been fairly normal. I blocked the entire family, and as mentioned earlier decided to meet the common friend to tell her of the entire scenario. We met and I narrated everything that went down during the couple of weeks when she wasn't here. Here's what she had to say - Apparently Dan had spoken to her about me, asking her if she sensed a spark between us and going as far as telling her that he always felt 'I' had a thing for him when I dated his brother. I was dumbfounded to say the least. Anyway, she apparently asked him to not imagine stuff and be normal and process his breakup. NGL, I was kinda pissed at her for not telling me and also being rather lackadaisical about the whole situation even after I told her what went down. She just asked me to get over it and not engage. Literally, just that much. I have decided to keep my distance for now.
Now, from mid April is when things really start snowballing. So, I live in a rented condo, in a gated apartment building. While I don't have the authority to install cameras or change the locks, I did add some extra lock and informed building security to not let Dan in anymore, or if anyone comes to visit me, to give me a call before letting them up. I thought that'd be it, but gosh, was I wrong.
At around 2 am on the 12th of this month, I wake up to my phone buzzing incessantly, being bombarded with calls and messages. There are over a 100 calls from an unknown no. And some 5-6 calls from the building security. I call them back and can clearly hear a ruckus in the background, they ask me to come down immediately.
Once down, what do I see? Dan is drunk out of his mind, SCREAMING and hurling expletives, asking to be let up. I was terrified and stumped tbh. Once Dan notices me, he literally lunges towards me , repeatedly saying he wants to talk. By this time more people have gathered, additional security has been called and they try to drag Dan away when he punches one of the guards. He's then literally thrown outside.
I apologize to everyone, especially the guard and offer to pay for his injury, just trying to diffuse the situation, in some sort of a daze. It wasn't until I got into the elevator, that I broke down. It was a mix of anger, fear and helplessness and I was genuinely scared, because Dan is a big guy and if I were to face him alone, I wouldn't be able to fight him off physically.
But as they say, bad luck comes in threes and there was more. The next morning I get a call from my landlord asking me to leave my apartment within the next two weeks. I was devastated, this was my space, a home I'd made for myself and now I was being kicked out for no fault of mine. I explained the situation and while he sympathized, he said the actual residents of the building don't want someone who attracts violence and drama and has questionable character. Ofc.
After an extremely shitty last night and morning, I managed to drag myself to work somehow and pushed through the day, I just wanted to get home, stay in bed and cry. So, I chose to leave early and go home.
You know how you can sense if someone's following you or watching you ? I felt that while walking from my office to the subway and just as I was about to enter the station, Someone grabs my hand and pulls me aside. It's Dan and I kinda freeze. He again keeps muttering that he wants to talk, he's very clearly on something and looks kind of manic. His grip is extremely tight and he's going on about how his family isn't talking to him and I'm the only person he can count on.
At this point there are a few things running through my mind - this particular entry gate is a deserted one (it's the closest to my office, but it's the least used gate, surrounded by trees and kinda nothing) It's late afternoon and the vv few shops around this gate is closed, because siesta/summer nap time. I just need to somehow escape and then head straight to the cops. Dan noticed me zoning out and made some innuendo laden comment and touched my face. I think something snapped in me then and I screamed bloody murder, I SCREAMED, think angry monkey and stomped on his foot and ran down the stairs to the subway station and got onto the train that just came in. It went in the opposite direction of my home but I didn't care. I called a couple of friends who knew about the situation and asked them to accompany me to the police station.
The police station, Ha! I narrate the incident, show the bruise on my wrist and tell them everything. Things they chose to hear/see - ex's brother, I - a woman let him into my home multiple times, alcohol involved, he didn't technically hurt me, I live alone, I have tattoos, this guy was my friend. So, I should probably try and amicably sort things out. Since there was no bloodshed or harassment that led to anything, they won't lodge an official complaint or arrest him, but they can make a general complaint and look into it if things escalate. I am literally holding in my tears at this point.
I call Dan's father, tell him about his son, tell him I've lodged a complaint against his son. This man dodges all responsibility , tells me, we are all adults and are allowed to do what feels right. I swear I could shoot this family.
So, I've lost my home, this man is lurking around harassing me, making my workplace unsafe too, the cops aren't doing shit, his family isn't doing shit, I don't want to bother mine. All I have is the copy of a general complaint. I felt helpless, but I had to do something.
I looked up Dan's manager (who I knew hated him) HR and dept. Head at his workplace and sent them a scathing email, attaching the copy of the complaint, a few of my close friends started commenting on the company's LinkedIn posts and took to Google reviews about the company hiring predators. A couple of my guy friends shared the same information with his landlord, who happens to have a daughter.
And lastly, I told the super gossipy, scheming aunt in their family (connected on facebook) what happened, with some added spice. The fact that his holier than thou Dad is the crux of family gossip over his son's activities is definitely not doing him any good.
Last I know, Dan has been fired, asked to leave his apartment. Dan is terrible with money and has very questionable work ethic and as a result of everything has been forced to leave the city and go back home.
I have changed my personal phone number, gotten a new place and will move soon!!
Relevant / Top Comments
Commenter 1: If you have a lease, can your landlord insist on you leaving within 2 weeks?
OOP: Yes, the building corporation laws supercede the rental contract. It's a whole thing, even if it didn't the law here doesn't really care about things like this.
Commenter 2: Why the hell did the building security ask you to come down, when there is a nutter screaming and shouting?
OOP: I'm not a resident, I'm a tenant. So I don't directly contribute to their salary. So who tf cares ?
Commenter 3: Sorry that you lost your apartment. This is the nightmare every woman hopes won't end in something worse. Glad you got revenge on the AH though. Keep safe out there.
Additional Information from OOP
OOP: Addressing a couple of recurring queries and comments:
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The apartment issue - here, in this country landlords hold all the power. All rental contracts have a clause where either party can leave the premises with a notice of a mutually decided period of time, which is two weeks in my case. Could I have taken a legal route ? Maybe, but the process would be extremely tedious, expensive and long drawn and with a high probability that I'd be harassed even more by the authorities. As for the financial brunt of it, fortunately my work pays for my accomodation and they helped me out. I have informed people there of the situation and fortunately they were extremely helpful. Our company's HR head has shared Dan's profile across her network/connections across the city asking them to not hire him. She's been in the industry for very long and is extremely revered. She's been like a fairy godmother in all of this.
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The behaviour of the police that I mentioned, is extremely common in my country and unfortunately there aren't enough and easily accessible groups, authorities or non profits that take a stand against the police. There are loads of political loopholes and you don't want to have a target on your back. Sexism and misogyny is extremely deep rooted - the kind of people who'll accuse a woman for staying out late or taking a deserted way home , if they happen to be harassed or assaulted.
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