Cracks_InTheWalls

Thank you. It was certainly not an easy decision, but I like to think it was right one. Even if our relationship ultimately ended, at least I would be able to tell myself that I tried. Luckily, we tried - imperfectly, uncomfortably - and we're still here.

Thank you for the kind words!

Thank you, I appreciate that.

I wrote something a little while back on here, in many ways related to this, that I still take to heart. Hope anyone reading this and relating can take something from it, so I think it's worth sharing again.

Genuine sorrow hurts, but my god if it isn't a fascinating and powerful state. It's 100% transformative, in a good way, if you allow it to be. Sorrow and the journey back, imo, is a vital trial in human development, all the more interesting because it's truly universal. The risk is so hardening yourself against pain that it's detrimental, the prize is a deeper capacity for empathy.

To love, and to lose, and to find your way back to love again - it doesn't feel this way in the slough of despond, but on the other end and with some time it's a beautiful thing.

Some opinions as someone who has been on the other side of this:

1. Recognize that if she decides to not divorce you, from now on, no matter what you do, how much of a new leaf you turn, etc., there will always be at least a little bit of doubt about you. That feeling when you find out you've been cheated on by a long-term partner never quite goes away - it gets smaller and less nagging, but never completely disappears. If you want to stay with your wife, you're gonna have to accept this.

My discovery happened almost a decade ago. I would have been well within my rights to dump her ass and never talk to her again, but I didn't. I thought it was at least worth trying to stick around and see if we could work things out before doing that, given we made that whole "till death do we part" oath and were still breathing. She was not owed this - I did that for me. Things are better, and we are in a much, much better place than we were. Still, this pops to mind at least once a day, and has every day since it happened.

2. Go see a couple's therapist yesterday - first, to create a venue where she can express her feelings about all of this, what she wants to do, and what she needs; next to start having an open, 100% honest discussion about where your head is at and behaviours, and finally to start shopping tools for completely transparent communication going forward. Treat this seriously and pay fucking close attention.

3. Follow this up with some therapy for yourself - very few people choose to cheat because they're loving life. Start identifying where you need to work your own shit out. Again, take this deadly seriously. Encourage her to do the same.

4. 100%, no exceptions, complete and utter honesty and transparency going forward. She wants to see your phone? Hand it over. She wants to know where you're going/what you're doing? Tell her, with proof. She wants you to have a tracking app? You download that shit. She wants the nastiest details about what the hell happened? Do warn her you're concerned it will hurt even more, but if she wants to hear it anyway you tell her. By dint of your actions, you've lost your right to both be in the relationship and keep a self-defined level of privacy - if you don't like it, start looking at divorce. If you two start healing, the need for this kind if stuff may start to diminish as the level of trust comes back up.

5. Check in with her, often. How she's feeling, what she needs, etc. Pay attention, respect it even if it involves something that may hurt you emotionally. Do NOT throw shit in her face - keep in mind, YOU'RE the one who fucked up, and who now wants to move on with her as your partner. She just discovered her husband did one of the shittiest things a spouse can do to someone they claim to love. It's a very different experience.

6. You could do everything right, do all the therapy, open communication, working on yourself and the relationship you want. If she decides that she can't do it, she can't. Recognize this. Accept this. She doesn't owe you shit.

Not gonna lie to you man - you have a tough row to hoe. I will say, with time and a shit ton of work, it's possible to remain together, and both of you be happy about it. But there will now always be a pre-cheating and post-cheating division when thinking about your marriage. The goal, if you are remaining together, is to build something much better and stronger than what you had before. That may happen, that may not. But putting the work in gives the greatest probability of success.

Best of luck to you - seriously, you fucked up, and fucked up BIG, but we are all human, and therefore liable to fuck up. No matter what the outcome of all this is, learn from it and grow.

When the weather is good, be outside as much as possible. Do more long-distance, or even multi-day treks. Dick around in the woods more (survival skills for fun, learn more about identifying local plants and fungi, etc). Bring a book and some basic snacks, and hang out in public park space more often (we've got some beautiful spaces here). Basically just a lot more exploration, primarily on foot, bike, or skateboard depending on distance and energy level.

When the weather is crap, spend more time keeping my place in order and looking nice. Listen to music, read books, maybe try and get more deliberate about a writing habit. Pick a public indoor space of some kind and become a regular. Maybe volunteer.

Spend more time working on good habits to keep the energy level up for the above long term.

For me, it was always consoles I never actually got. Dreamcast for a while (VMUs were so fucking cool), then the GP32.

TF are you on about, these are dope. I like your style, particularly the character work examples.

...gonna shoot you a PM.

Axe the ass

This is fucking awesome. Thank you for sharing!!

I miss director's commentary tracks sometimes.

Lol, I'm a booster of the term sh.it.heads for members of my Lemmy instance of choice [exactly as is, broken link and all], so I feel like I'm the wrong person to ask :p

'Toot' for Mastodon posts makes some sense to me - where 'twitter' and 'tweet' are reminiscent of bird song, 'toot' for a service whose mascot is an ancestor of the elephant fits. 'Trumpet' feels a little longform - a 'toot' captures the short form a bit better. Heck, this follows for the fart interpretation too - quote child me to my father once, "A toot sounds like 'toot toot'. That was 'blaaaarrrrrrrrrgh'"

Skeet? From what I'm reading, it's an unofficial term combining '(blue)sky' and 'tweet', partially for differentiation but I imagine in part because it's hilarious. Official term IIRC is just a post.

Idk man - people just choose terms and whatever is repeated the most frequently eventually becomes standard nomenclature. 🤷‍♂️

Two reasons: Practical considerations (shared assets, certain legal protections, I've seen people get married for an easier go re: immigration in some cases, etc. Basically check your local laws); and ritualistic.

I find people often discount the importance of certain ritual practices in Western secular society, and for a lot of people ritual in general is a whole lot of fluff and nonsense. But having a ceremony to recognize a formal joining of two people, and by extension their families (to varying degrees), with the at least ostensible intent that you will live and die in partnership with that person, is a powerful thing. It's a common ritual among multiple societies, with lots of variation and differences in exactly what it signifies, but the ubiquity speaks to that power IMO.

Don't get me wrong - I think divorce is a good thing for when the partnership truly does not and cannot work, and people can live happily in lifelong unions without marriage - but for some folks, taking that vow in the eyes of your friends and family (and whatever deity concept you may have, if that's your kink) is a very important and serious thing. Something changes, to some degree, when you take that oath.

It doesn't have to be expensive - that it often is, IMO, is a function of capitalism infecting a beautiful thing more than anything else. You can have a wedding in someone's backyard officiated by someone who paid $25 online for a certificate, with a small number of close friends and a potluck BBQ afterwards, and it would be just as valid and meaningful as a wedding that cost 100k (shit, IME the smaller one is actually more meaningful in a lot of cases). It's the intent, ritual, and meaning participating parties place on it that's important.