CurseAvoider

I was feeling pretty anxious all of last week because I had my first appointment with my welfare case worker today. If you've been following my posts you know why this is complicated for me. It's not just the welfare appointments as well, they normally want you to open an unemployment file as well, and both of these give you monthly appointments every month. On top of all the doctors appointments I have to schedule and the problems I have that make it difficult to do too much in a week.

Thankfully my case worker was super nice and understanding. I explained my health problems (that the doctors say are not health problems), and she basically instantly waived the unemployment requirement and told me to focus on my health. I do have an appointment with her at the end of april to keep her updated, but this is manageable. she also asked if I preferred the afternoons and I said yes so I can manage my medication better (I had to wake up at 6am this morning just for the anti-emetics, and chose not to take the stomach acid inhibitor because I have to eat 1 hour after taking it. I can do that, but only for one day at a time).

That's a huge load off my mind at least and I feel this rollercoaster is finally stabilizing. I have an apt with my therapist next week. I was yelling at her in my post last week but honestly the rest of the time she's perfectly fine. It just bothers me that despite being a doctor she can't prescribe me anything or make a certificate for anything. But they have their specialty and don't/can't stray from it.

The week after that I have the apt at the new hospital for a second opinion, and that's basically my month of march lol. I can only do like one thing per week, maybe 2 if I'm having an especially good week (but you never know if it's a good week until it's next week), so it helps just being able to space these things out and that's what I was worried about. There's still a lot of work ahead for me, including actually fixing these symptoms lol, but at least things are progressing in some way.

I guess you have to celebrate the good times when you can. For anyone who might be ardently following the adventures of Curse Avoider, I realized that I'm doing weirdly well today. No symptoms whatsoever. I had a 2h convo with a friend about their video game without even realizing until after it was over that I didn't get queasy once. After that I took a shower and brushed my teeth -- brushing and mouthwashing usually gets me on the brink of puking, but nothing either.

However I'm also not too optimistic about it. It's possible that I'm just in a good period, or having just one good day. Tomorrow may be entirely different. If not tomorrow, then next week will probably swing back the other way.

I wonder if it has anything to do with the 2 anti-emetics I took on Wednesday, but they would probably be out of my system by now, 48 hours later. Or maybe it's because I took my blood thinner right after eating, which I usually don't do. I usually take it maybe 15-30 minutes before or after eating at the very least.

Definitely will have to repeat the last one again to see if it helps. But it can also be completely coincidental -- I also had some good times last year without symptoms, and then they came back a few weeks later.

I'm supposed to meet up with someone tomorrow, make some pocket money (private IT work, it funds my caffeinated drink addiction lol) so I'm hopeful I'll be able to do everything in one sitting because it's gonna be a long job.

I'm stressed out over the appointment I have next week with the welfare office because if they don't want to accomodate my health needs then I'm shit out of luck. I'm just stressed out, and I told my therapist all of this, and told her I can feel a panic attack coming -- I don't know when exactly, but I feel that if this keeps going like this with me being shuffled around I will start having panic attacks. She told me to focus on the positives lmao.

Like yeah my dr gave me anti-nausea medication but I had to take 2 of them for them to work today. You're allowed 3 a day AT MOST because this type of medication is no joke. I puked on the fucking side of the street (after which I took the 2nd dose) while going to my appointment and this is apparently considered normal. Apparently I should just accept that I humiliate myself on the street every time I go out and puke my guts out in front of everyone. And I have no idea if this medication will work again next week, or how long it works. My dr prescribed it "just in case" bc it's better to have it than not have it. But I have to test out how to take it and when by myself. The therapist said "well but at least you've been able to make it to all our appointments so far" I think to help me but it's just making me worry now that they will use this against me. I don't go to the appointments because "I can". I go because it's better than not going even if it's torture for me. Do you tell a fucking cancer patient (bc that's the example my shitty hematologist used) "Well at least you come to the chemo appointments so how bad can cancer be 🤪" fucking dipshits. I have to pace my schedule and time and not overload myself. I can do one, maybe 2 things a week if I'm in a good period (I'm not in a good period rn). Otherwise it exacerbates the symptoms. I don't consider forcing me to behave like an able healthy person to be either ethical, reasonable, or just. I may go take a first opinion with a lawyer tbh at this point.

All I want is to have the space and time to focus on my health for now until I get back to a more optimistic mindset but nobody in the medical body seems to understand that. You treat patients like shit then when they get depression or anxiety disorders your reaction is "gosh if only there was something we could have done to prevent this" YOU fucking caused this jesus. I'm fucking hanging on on well wishes from fucking doctors. What if the welfare office doesn't want to accomodate me because I don't have a certificate? What if the 2nd hospital offers no option? What if I have to monitor with blood tests every week for the rest of my life? What if I can't make it to my apt next week or another time, and have to cancel, and they tell me to go to my dr to get a certificate, and the dr doesn't want to do a certificate, and so the welfare office closes my case because I cancelled "without justification"? They will do that.

My 2nd hospital opinion is scheduled on the 21st of march. That's a month away. I won't have any solution until then at the latest. And you can plead and tell them how difficult it is all you want, they will follow the fucking procedure because if they don't it can cause problems for them and we wouldn't want that would we. Anything but not following proper procedure.

Being nice doesn't save lives. I spent a pretty crummy Monday because I received a letter from the welfare office and they want to meet me next week, and it pulled me into a spiral. I'm doing better now, I think.

But anyway. It got me rethinking some stuff and listen comrades, don't let people be incompetent just because they're "nice" or friendly. Being friendly doesn't save lives. I used to be like that too when I was unsure of my skills or didn't have experience. I thought being nice and friendly with other people would make up for it. It doesn't. Everybody knows you're a fraud, you know you're a fraud, and you hope they won't say anything about you being a fraud because at least you get along well.

I'm done making excuses for others tbh. My hematologist may be "friendly" but if she can't help me she can't help me. It's not my job to make excuses for her i.e. "I'm sure she's trying her best" or "at least she answers my calls". The current situation is that she and that shithole hospital can't answer my needs and I need to advocate for myself. You need to advocate for yourself too. If someone seems like they're trying to pull you into some bullshit just say no, get up and leave. I'm done with frauds and other sweet talkers. And I'm done being nice to cover up for people who refuse to help. I don't owe them anything.

Everyone is just trying to save their skin by shuffling problems around to other departments so they never have to take any responsibility for it. Almost everything in my current situation is provided or owned by the state - the hospital, the welfare office, and the unemployment office I will have to register for probably. And everyone just wants to shift you around so you're not their problem but someone else's. The hospital doesn't want to write a certificate because what if they get audited and have to justify it. The welfare office doesn't want to accomodate to your disability needs without a certificate because what if they get audited.

I also need to stop minimizing my symptoms and be clear about how debilitating they are. I think I got better at this. But this means stopping being "nice". But being nice doesn't save lives, competence does.

EDIT: you should be both nice and competent if you can! But if I have to choose, I'm choosing competence over friendliness. Nobody likes an asshole but sometimes you have to be one, and sometimes you'd rather have one on your side because at least they know what they're doing.