Emmie

Hello there, so I am in the country where there is basically only one drug methylphenidate available and even that on a good day and queues to get it and make appointment to the super expensive PRIVATE psych are several months.

Hence I decide I am gonna screw that and opt for a FOSS DIY ADHD therapy pathway.

I am already doing one medical thing pure DIY out of similar reasons, ordering substrates from China. But the difference here is that they aren't outright illegal substances.

I can't wait however for who knows if there will be or won't be, I need the good stuff now and I need the proper dosage and a treatment plan. Links. Information. Papers. What to check beforehand. Which blood tests or screenings to perform. What to monitor during the treatment. Finally I need advise for procurement of the medicine and its proper forms in Eastern Europe.

I know the risks but I figure that life good lived is worth them generally as I am unable to fulfill any and all deadlines that are such an essential part of our society. I am ready to expose myself to a reasonable level of risk in exchange for an actual life.

cross-posted from: https://lemm.ee/post/58639571

One of my favorite hobbies is following a game development project called Star Citizen.
Why would this be interesting, I don't care about some Vidya games you ask? Let me paint the complete picture of this exhilarating decades long saga.

You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.

To understand the full picture we must go back 30 years ago to the year 1990 when nerds of all continents stared at the little screens of their eye destroying cathode-ray monitors frantically shooting enemy ships in a game called Wing Commander.
This was the Mecca of your dads and various weird uncles that turned out to diddle little children in community kindergartens.

This space flight title released on MS DOS in the good old days before anyone had heard of COVID or Kanye West. It has garnered much praise and attention from the so-called video game critics. Awarded by them titles such as "1991 Game of the Year" "nr 7 best PC game of all time"
In fact it was so good that EA released a port to PSP in 2006 and even to PCs in 2011, 30 years later. Suffice to say there's probably still a gigantic cult around this game even if half of original players died already from the old age or marriage arguments.

The maker - Chris Roberts, at the time working for a game company named Origin Systems - creators of Ultima series, followed up with Wing Commander II and Strike Commander in 1993 which were also successful. Wing Commander III and IV solidified his position as an immortal God of the space nerds.

In 1996 he left origin and founded his own studio together with his brother because in short - big publishers were limiting his creative freedom.

For some reason the first project of a new studio was not a game but a movie that took 25 million 1999s dollars of that sweet founding cash and probably loans. Great plan, you can see the first glimpse of cunning genius that is Chris Roberts.

The 1999 movie turned out to have zero redeeming qualities and was widely considered a 3/10. Main reasons were: bad casting choices, terrible special effects, uninspiring plot and ameteurish, unexperienced direction. In other words pretty good for your first movie ever but maybe start with 20 dollars?

Desperated to keep things afloat he decided to quickly release a game Starlancer in 2000 with his old and tried formula but it was a new millennium. People, tech moved on and everyone already done better and more interesting things.
It wasn't a commercial success that Digital Anvil badly needed.

Shrewdly Microsoft said hello and bought the barely surviving studio for some pocket change in 2000. This is very important in the context of the next game from Digital Anvil.

Chris Roberts had a very ambitious plans. A space trading and combat video game - Freelancer. In fact so ambitious that the game wasn't any close to materializing or feasible for year, second one... third... It was considered a vaporware.
At a point Microsoft came to the rescue and booted him out of the project completely.
The game was able to release in 2003 although in very different, limited scope than crazy plans of Chris Roberts. It was a success nevertheless, known for its gorgeous graphics and art style.

Let me briefly describe the substantially cut version features versus Chris Roberts vision:

Feature	Final Freelancer (2003)	Chris Roberts’ Original Vision
Universe Simulation	Mostly static, scripted NPC behaviors	Fully dynamic, AI-driven world where factions trade, fight, and evolve
Space-to-Planet Transition	Pre-rendered cutscenes for docking	Real-time, seamless landings on planets
Flight Controls	Mouse-based, arcade-style combat	Joystick-based, more realistic space sim
Economy	Partially dynamic with fixed trade routes	Fully dynamic economy affected by player actions
Ship Customization	Limited upgrades to a single ship	Deep ship customization and ability to own multiple ships
Multiplayer	Server-based multiplayer with limited persistence	Large-scale persistent online universe (proto-MMO)
Graphics & Engine	Good for the time, but somewhat dated due to delays	Cutting-edge visuals with procedural planet generation
Story & Campaign	Linear single-player story with side activities	More open-ended story with player-driven choices
Faction Interaction	Reputation system but largely static faction wars	Factions dynamically evolving based on player and AI actions
Player-Owned Assets	No stations or fleets, just personal ship upgrades	Ability to build and own stations, fleets, and influence the world

As you can see the og scope was several times that of an 2018 X4 Foundations and lovely words 'MMO' also appear.

Meanwhile, Chris Roberts dissatisfied, quit the company altogether. In his mind sown the alluring seeds of Freelancer gargantuan full version.

After leaving he founded another company that aimed to produce films, shows and games. However 0 projects ever came out of it. Zero. Null. Nada.

That 'success' somehow prompted him to make another company - Ascendant Pictures this time entirely MOVIE publishing. What's going on with this guy and movies? Anyway, It funded 8 Hollywood movies one of them Lord of War. nice
But... they were almost entirely financed by a loophole in the German tax laws that was closed in 2006. 💀 After germans fixed their law Roberts' activities as a film producer ended as the funds raised by his controversial financing scheme depleted. Pay attention to financing scheme.
It was even sued by Kevin Costner in 2005. I would very much like for a Kevin Costner to sue me 🥵

Anyhow, the business was eventually acquired in 2010 by Bigfoot Entertainment
a small production company from Philippines.

Roberts getting a taste of tax avoidance and funding schemes hired a world renowned entertainment media attorney and in 2011 founded a company named Cloud Imperium Games together with his wife Sandi Gardiner - an actress (There's a funny side drama to her involving attempt to strangle Chris Roberts and some kids stalking). Nicknamed Strangli.

In October 2012 Cloud Imperium Games launched a crowdfunding schem... I mean project that was essentially Roberts long unrealized dream of full version of Freelancer that Microsoft cruelly demanded him to release, on time.

Wing Commander and Freelancer had a cult following and there were tons of sucker... I mean players who wanted to see what happens if you let an ambitious middle aged man that haven't released a single game since 2000 do whatever.
This amounted to 800 million dollars financial schem... Ahem crowdfunding as we speak.

Roberts discovered a gold mine.

To be continued...

cross-posted from: https://lemm.ee/post/58639571

One of my favorite hobbies is following a game development project called Star Citizen.
Why would this be interesting, I don't care about some Vidya games you ask? Let me paint the complete picture of this exhilarating decades long saga.

You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.

To understand the full picture we must go back 30 years ago to the year 1990 when nerds of all continents stared at the little screens of their eye destroying cathode-ray monitors frantically shooting enemy ships in a game called Wing Commander.
This was the Mecca of your dads and various weird uncles that turned out to diddle little children in community kindergartens.

This space flight title released on MS DOS in the good old days before anyone had heard of COVID or Kanye West. It has garnered much praise and attention from the so-called video game critics. Awarded by them titles such as "1991 Game of the Year" "nr 7 best PC game of all time"
In fact it was so good that EA released a port to PSP in 2006 and even to PCs in 2011, 30 years later. Suffice to say there's probably still a gigantic cult around this game even if half of original players died already from the old age or marriage arguments.

The maker - Chris Roberts, at the time working for a game company named Origin Systems - creators of Ultima series, followed up with Wing Commander II and Strike Commander in 1993 which were also successful. Wing Commander III and IV solidified his position as an immortal God of the space nerds.

In 1996 he left origin and founded his own studio together with his brother because in short - big publishers were limiting his creative freedom.

For some reason the first project of a new studio was not a game but a movie that took 25 million 1999s dollars of that sweet founding cash and probably loans. Great plan, you can see the first glimpse of cunning genius that is Chris Roberts.

The 1999 movie turned out to have zero redeeming qualities and was widely considered a 3/10. Main reasons were: bad casting choices, terrible special effects, uninspiring plot and ameteurish, unexperienced direction. In other words pretty good for your first movie ever but maybe start with 20 dollars?

Desperated to keep things afloat he decided to quickly release a game Starlancer in 2000 with his old and tried formula but it was a new millennium. People, tech moved on and everyone already done better and more interesting things.
It wasn't a commercial success that Digital Anvil badly needed.

Shrewdly Microsoft said hello and bought the barely surviving studio for some pocket change in 2000. This is very important in the context of the next game from Digital Anvil.

Chris Roberts had a very ambitious plans. A space trading and combat video game - Freelancer. In fact so ambitious that the game wasn't any close to materializing or feasible for year, second one... third... It was considered a vaporware.
At a point Microsoft came to the rescue and booted him out of the project completely.
The game was able to release in 2003 although in very different, limited scope than crazy plans of Chris Roberts. It was a success nevertheless, known for its gorgeous graphics and art style.

Let me briefly describe the substantially cut version features versus Chris Roberts vision:

Feature	Final Freelancer (2003)	Chris Roberts’ Original Vision
Universe Simulation	Mostly static, scripted NPC behaviors	Fully dynamic, AI-driven world where factions trade, fight, and evolve
Space-to-Planet Transition	Pre-rendered cutscenes for docking	Real-time, seamless landings on planets
Flight Controls	Mouse-based, arcade-style combat	Joystick-based, more realistic space sim
Economy	Partially dynamic with fixed trade routes	Fully dynamic economy affected by player actions
Ship Customization	Limited upgrades to a single ship	Deep ship customization and ability to own multiple ships
Multiplayer	Server-based multiplayer with limited persistence	Large-scale persistent online universe (proto-MMO)
Graphics & Engine	Good for the time, but somewhat dated due to delays	Cutting-edge visuals with procedural planet generation
Story & Campaign	Linear single-player story with side activities	More open-ended story with player-driven choices
Faction Interaction	Reputation system but largely static faction wars	Factions dynamically evolving based on player and AI actions
Player-Owned Assets	No stations or fleets, just personal ship upgrades	Ability to build and own stations, fleets, and influence the world

As you can see the og scope was several times that of an 2018 X4 Foundations and lovely words 'MMO' also appear.

Meanwhile, Chris Roberts dissatisfied, quit the company altogether. In his mind sown the alluring seeds of Freelancer gargantuan full version.

After leaving he founded another company that aimed to produce films, shows and games. However 0 projects ever came out of it. Zero. Null. Nada.

That 'success' somehow prompted him to make another company - Ascendant Pictures this time entirely MOVIE publishing. What's going on with this guy and movies? Anyway, It funded 8 Hollywood movies one of them Lord of War. nice
But... they were almost entirely financed by a loophole in the German tax laws that was closed in 2006. 💀 After germans fixed their law Roberts' activities as a film producer ended as the funds raised by his controversial financing scheme depleted. Pay attention to financing scheme.
It was even sued by Kevin Costner in 2005. I would very much like for a Kevin Costner to sue me 🥵

Anyhow, the business was eventually acquired in 2010 by Bigfoot Entertainment
a small production company from Philippines.

Roberts getting a taste of tax avoidance and funding schemes hired a world renowned entertainment media attorney and in 2011 founded a company named Cloud Imperium Games together with his wife Sandi Gardiner - an actress (There's a funny side drama to her involving attempt to strangle Chris Roberts and some kids stalking). Nicknamed Strangli.

In October 2012 Cloud Imperium Games launched a crowdfunding schem... I mean project that was essentially Roberts long unrealized dream of full version of Freelancer that Microsoft cruelly demanded him to release, on time.

Wing Commander and Freelancer had a cult following and there were tons of sucker... I mean players who wanted to see what happens if you let an ambitious middle aged man that haven't released a single game since 2000 do whatever.
This amounted to 800 million dollars financial schem... Ahem crowdfunding as we speak.

Roberts discovered a gold mine.

To be continued...

https://archive.is/www.reddit.com/r/worldnews/comments/1jce9vb/nasas_stuck_astronauts_welcome_their_newly/?sort=controversial

I am too fucking lazy to write this all

Someone pls add the background context in the comments

——— comments 🗣️

Astronauts like: "Oh no, we have to stay up longer in this place we've trained our whole lives to be in!" (12)
Yes, a little while longer, like 9 months. From the planned 8 DAYS. (2)

The press and politicians have been storytelling the crap out of this. This is what facts sound like when you don't do that: Butch and Suni arrived to the ISS with the Starliner CFT mission in June, 2024. It was then decided that due to the issues with Starliner, they shouldn't return on that spacecraft. Starliner undocked on September 6th and returned to Earth safely. SpaceX Crew-9 docked on September 29th. Butch and Suni did not have dedicated seats for an emergency return between September 6th and 29th. In the event of an emergency, requiring the evacuation of the ISS, they would have returned on Crew-8, strapped to a cargo pallette in the Crew Dragon spacecraft. As mentioned before, Crew-9 docked on September 29th, carrying a crew of only two instead of four, hence giving Butch and Suni dedicated seats and duties as crew on that mission with a planned return to Earth in February, 2025. In the event of an emergency, Crew-9 could have returned any time. The planned return in February, 2025 had to be delayed to likely late April, 2025, as SpaceX was unable to complete the new Dragon C213 spacecraft for the Crew-10 mission in time. A direct handover between crew is a high priority, so Crew-10's launch delay would also delay Crew-9's return. Crew-10 launched yesterday, with less delays than initially expected, due to the fact that the Dragon spacecraft was swappped to C210. Crew-10 will be on the ISS for around 6 months. Crew-9 is now scheduled to return no earlier than March 19th. (14)
This guy has been spamming this comment in every post, copy-pasting it. Trying to splurge out technicalities that are irrelevant to make it look different. Just check his profile. (-11)

They’re still up there? Holy Fu** (-11)
They weren’t technically stuck, they turned it into a mission (15)

THEY WEREN’T STUCK, * INHALES * THEY WEREN’T 😡😡😡 🌬️

America the Great has lost over $3Tn USD for the stock market in 3 months. How are you all feeling about that? Meanwhile your government spending has increased $36 billion over the same timeframe as your leader's face gets yellower and yellower. Is he a dragon that takes the money from fired Federal workers and absorbs it into his skin or is he just full of jaundice? 0 upvotes Comment View 940 comments

——Selected comment chains—— 🗣️

Says the party dismantling the dept. of education. You people have your heads so far up your own asses you could tickle your own tonsils. (22)
Your tax dollars were used to traffic 325,000 children under the open borders policy. We are not the same.Edit: the flood of comments is both frightening (how fricking uninformed are you people???) and satisfying.PDF link, that's how they published it. Oh, and you have to be able to read and do a little math. https://www.oig.dhs.gov/sites/default/files/assets/2024-08/OIG-24-46-Aug24.pdf (-15)

Us rational Americans are unhappy. Trump supporters are happy with whatever Orange Daddy does. (21)
The irrational ones are those that have nothing to say but things like "Orange Daddy". Get educated. (-11)

Typical MAGA logic. If the president is DJ Turd, he made the stock market grow. If it's a Democrat, they over-inflated it. (2)
uhhhh no I give credit where credit is due. Obama didn't over-inflate the economy he let it more or less stagnate not that he had a lot of choices. 8 years of slow crawl was more or less what the country needed something like 1.3 to 1.8 percent GDP growth and something like less than 4000 points of expansion of the stock market value after it dropped to as low as 6400 ish a value that hadn't been around since the EARLY 80s (almost 20 years of gains gone in 6 months) . CLINTON did a heck of a job but had the bad luck that the .com bubble burst more or less on his watch. he didn't over-inflate it as much as sort of let it boil over a bit. Bush inherited that mess and bumbled it. Bush before clinton was a FRICK UP mild depression/recession (I fricking had a heck of a time finding a job during that as a KID) Regan Good and bad Used Military spending to bump GPD but that man had all kinds of shit go down including the Savings and Loan crisis. I will be kind and say Carter was a NICE G... (2)

Never heard of a gish gallop? You're actually telling me that you know the outcomes of other realities, I need not engage with your level of horseshit. Trying to project arguments, trying to paint me into a corner with what you want to talk about instead of admitting that this is an outcome that has been predicted for years, whatever I just don't need it. Before replying again answer this question. The only point I've had so far, so the entirety of the discussion from me. Have economists been predicting both market corrections and very possibly recessions due to inflated markets and over valued stocks for many years now?I'll answer for you. Yes. Glad we can put that to bed. Have a good one. (1)
"You're actually telling me that you know the outcomes of other realities,"No, I'm saying X = Y. Trump starts trade war -> Uncertainty. Trump threatens ACTUAL war -> Uncertainty. Uncertainty -> Layoffs. Go ahead and bring me the economists who say that trade wars and the threat of real wars have no impact on the economy. I'd love to see what kind of fakes you can find to say some wild shit like that. (1)

——Supplemental hilarity—— ✨

I didn't vote for this shit. I spent thousands of dollars to try to prevent it. I argued against it with every fiber of my being. On the internet, in person, I went door to door.

A Redditor going door-to-door is probably converting people to republicans.

"Good afternoon, subhuman filth. I'm here to explain why you're too stupid to vote properly" 🤓

——

It's wild leftoids are harping about stock market and trying to defend the over inflated values for the rich Meanwhile rightoids are buying EVs to own the libs. What a timeline

——

Don't y’all hate the rich? The stock market crashing should be a cause for celebration 🎉

high net worth = billionaires hoarding resources stock market crash = billionaires lose net worth = society is more equal 😎

https://www.reddit.com/r/europe/comments/1jbpw1i/german_army_struggles_to_get_gen_z_recruits_ready/

https://www.reddit.com/r/neoliberal/comments/1jc1qk8/german_army_struggles_to_get_gen_z_recruits_ready/

From the article:

As a podcaster and freelance journalist, Ole Nymoen admits he enjoys freedom of expression and other democratic rights in his home country of Germany.

But he would not want to die for them.

In a book published this week, ✨Why I Would Never Fight for My Country✨, the 27-year-old argues ordinary people should not be sent into battle on behalf of nation states and their rulers — even to fend off an invasion. Occupation by a foreign power might lead to a “shitty” life, he told the Financial Times. “But I’d rather be occupied than dead.”

Nymoen, a self-described Marxist 🤣, does not claim to be representative of Generation Z in Germany. But his stance — and his striking honesty about it — taps into a wider questions facing Europe as it re-arms on a scale not seen since the end of the cold war.

——

Germany’s armed forces commissioner, Eva Högl, this week warned the country was not closer to its goal of having 203,000 active troops by 2031, as the overall size of the armed forces slightly declined last year, partly because of a high number of dropouts. A quarter of the 18,810 men and women who signed up in 2023 left the armed forces within six months.

“This development must be stopped and reversed as a matter of urgency,” Högl said.

A Bundeswehr spokesperson told the FT the military had taken steps to try to stem the outflow of young recruits, including a notice period to avoid “last-minute, emotional” decisions.

But one senior army commander said members of Generation Z — renowned in the business world for their efforts to reshape corporate culture — were also going into the armed forces with different ideas and outlooks. “People are vulnerable, they cry easily,” he said. “They talk about work-life balance.” 🧘‍♂️

“I understand that,” the commander added. “They grew up in a different time. It’s not a bad perspective. But it doesn’t match that well with a wartime situation.”

——

Are you prepared to discuss work life balance with Sgt during the Russia attack? Sir the conditions are unacceptable, WiFi signal is too weak for TikTok and where is my Yerba mate meditation break? 🧘‍♂️🧉

archive.is/www.reddit.com/r/SeattleWA/comments/1jbhtd5/tesla_owner_who_is_concerned_about_teslas_being/

🔥🔥🔥🔥
The post:

You all saw the news about a tesla set on fire in Capitol Hill. What is concerning is people condoning this, mostly on the other subreddit. Tesla owners are not the enemy, in fact most of them are on the left. Question for other tesla owners specifically, what do you think? Any precautions you are taking in this current political climate?

General advice

comprehensive insurance, sentry mode, be vigilant, and gap insurance if you are financing your tesla car in current political situation Results from talking with few people on here after spending some time over last few days. Thank you for your time for the banter. Appreciate it

General consensus: it is ok to damage/vandalize tesla cars, intimidate tesla owners for the greater good. I hope it is not general consensus in real life and just on reddit. sell the car. These people I assume either are kids/teenagers or do not have a clue how finances work it’s a lemon. Probably never actually drove a cybertruck owning a tesla is supporting Nazis : don’t know the difference between someone acting like a nazi and literal Nazis from 1930s Germany I am saddened by fellow Americans who think it’s ok to destroy personal property. I sincerely hope it is only mob thinking on Reddit and doesn’t reflect the good people of Seattle

I am going to take a break from politics and discussing politics. I only see extremism on both sides.

0 Upvotes 993 Comments

—— Comments ——

My Tesla owning neighbors are: parking in the garage (juggled their junk) using their non-Tesla when they are parking in places such as park and rides or downtown concerts test driving alternatives. Best of luck.

🤣

AG announced today they will pursue all those attacking Teslas with maximum punishment. If they set it on fire they are looking at 20 years in prison. I recommend getting video and trying to take off their mask or get anything to identify them. Make it public and watch them spend a decade in jail.

👮‍♂️

If you shoot someone for destroying your property, you're going to prison.

What if they miss? They will meet in prison and become best buddies 💯 👨‍❤️‍👨

Just imagine this story. Tesla owner and hater fall in love in the prison showers, isn’t it romantic?

am no lawyer but federal crimes are handled differently. This is domestic terrorism.Definition directly from FBI website:Source: https://www.*.gov/investigate/terrorism

🧤

You bought a Cybertruck? Oof

—— I love it. It's the best car I drove in my life. It is better than the Volvo I have. It in fact got me back into taking road trips again.

EDIT: I DO NOT NEED ADVICE ON WHY IT HAPPENED. THERE IS A VERY GOOD REASON WHY MY DAD USED TO CHOKE WHEN HE WAS ALIVE. MY LOVED ONES == MY DAD.

WORDS OF CONSOLATION ARE WELCOME, ANYTHING ELSE BUZZ OFF, GO BUG SOMEONE ELSE. You either comment to make me feel better under my mental health post or refrain from writing. It’s simple

———

Nowadays if anyone even coughs while we are eating I get startled and anxious and if someone starts to choke and gets red I rush in like crazy and do the manoeuvre and then they are OK but I am left trembling and shaking and crying, feel terrible while everyone else is like shrugging it off.

I remember I had to do this many times on my father and it was really scary especially once or twice or thrice I can’t remember as he collapsed to the ground and I couldn’t lift him again and there were red dots on his face saliva dropping and collapsing on the ground

Actually it happened again today now on someone else and it fucking ruined my day and everyone just moved on like it was nothing, chatting happily now in the next room. Like we weren’t this close even tho the person was sitting afterwards with red eyes and face and who the fuck knows what was going to happen

I am anxious to eat certain things alone. I don’t eat fucking apples nor groats and every time I am alone I eat very carefully some things like some gollum hunching over the plate

Why do they not care and chat like nothing happened

She loves all the masculine things, detests pretty dresses and such. Even speaks with contempt if she sees the more hyper feminine styled people. Absolutely loves all the macho movies with 2D women serving as a background to the main brooding male. Anime is for losers and kids, well that’s maybe not super untrue but still.

To this day thanks to that I have coded in my brain that feminine things are just some stupid shit.

It feels like I had two fathers.

It’s not a big deal because hey it is what it is and I don’t know any different but seriously I only recently learned that there is nothing wrong with femininity.

Also my dad was weirdly passive person tbh, never seen anyone this timid and my mom used to say “he is the only one that can stand me, that’s why I chose him” which honestly in retrospection is kinda a red flag lol. I mean I love her but like maybe we weren’t the most normal family hm

She is probably “not like the other girls” at the very least but there are more interesting things about her which I won’t mention to not darken the light of day nor traumatise my dear readers (animal abuse). Suffice to say that we are not strong at the empathetic pursuits but I intend to develop and grow these parts.

Instead of seeing my dad as a weak wimp and a doormat I have grown to love the memories of him. There is certain value in gentleness. And a pity in seeing fear and anxiety. It’s a shame he didn't manage to properly extend his wings and rise from his knees. He never cut off these invisible chains that seemed to always drag him down, muffle his voice and made him hesitate.

There are thousands like him going through life with some burden, afraid to raise the chin. Content with the minimum. Anxious to fight for what they rightfully deserve.

I guess I will too find one like this. I can already tell that I am pulled to the outcasts shy nerds because well it’s kinda cute

Usually I am a person who is generally reasonable I think and mature. However yesterday it all went 180 degrees. It all started in the morning, I already felt very energetic on that day but not in a good way so to say but in this kind of way like when you drink too much coffee and can't calm yourself.

I had to drive for an hour to my family member. While driving I already felt certain disconnection from external world as if it all was a bit foggy. Alright sometimes happens whatever, it will pass soon enough. However there was unplanned roadblock and huge traffic jam that I suddenly found myself in.

Stuck in it I really got restless, I couldn't find music that would soothe me. Finally Lana del ray Black Beauty. Wow I felt so high like on some drugs when listening to it. I started to think that other people stuck in traffic jam can hear what I play in the car as it was on max volume and I liked it. I thought: hey maybe I am this sort of DJ right now and should serve them something good and we will all have a good time.

Strange thinking.

I felt kinda out of it. As the traffic jam dispersed I had unreasonable yearning for drifting. Every bend I tested the limits to the wheels traction, excited what will happen if I push it too hard but my engine is too small for any oversteer. Still, my style of driving turned violent.

I managed to get to my family member even though I was bored out of my mind by an uneventful journey for some reason. It was like an itch I couldn't scratch.

Anyhow after some time with my family member it became apparent that she is a bit demented today. Okie dokie I mean you just gotta not listen to her too much and do stuff you think is good according to the plan. However she for some reason wanted to give money to certain neighbor lady that did some half assed 'repairs' in the past but never asked for money. And my old lady did go outside and gave her 85 dollars when I took a nap.

That really rustled my jimmies. I got very suspicious. Who is taking advantage of my family member? It felt like a personal attack on me and I couldn't let it slide. I must solve this and see what the heck is happening.

For some reason I took a heavy wrench into my pocket. I felt excited and sort of like finally some kind of itch is being scratched. I asked my grandma with an innocent smile who she paid to for that 'service' or whatever that neighbor demanded payment for. I got the address.

Excited, grinning I went to the address that was a very short distance from the house, smiling the whole way for some reason.

I called on the intercom 'hello I am here to see ms xyz', the staircase door opened and I stepped inside and went for the door, straight to the doorbell.

It was getting kinda foggy my reasoning and everything. I just remember I was smiling and looking very deep in the eyes and was very polite but I felt like I could do anything in that moment. Like I wanted to see some signs in their eyes, of hostility. I wanted to see something in their eyes that would make me go bonkers you know. I waited for a signal.

I don't remember too much. It was a bit of a blur but after some very strange but polite and calm conversation I have left the building. I remember feeling unsatisfied. Something was scratched but only partially. The longing was still there. I didn't care about the money. My driving didn't improve. It wasn't enough.

I kind of still feel it on the ends of my teeth like there is some kind of electricity on my palate, like a hunger maybe, but I feel like a much more reasonable and sane person today.

I think it will pass completely during the coming days and will not show itself unless some kind of weird situation arises again that will require taking care of. I think that you have to take care of your business and solve things, otherwise people will rob you and use you if you let them. It is all very personal if someone exploits your grandma while you are there taking a nap. It felt good to take care of the business but it didn't quite felt fully satisfying. There is still something unresolved here.

Don't. Just don't.

Go on a walk. Feed your dog. Maybe read a fucking book. Do literally anything else.