cross-posted from: https://piefed.social/post/1019689

Tagline

They will seduce you - just before they kill you!

Elevator pitch

'La Femme Nikita' meets 'Hong Kong's Next Top Model'

Summary

40 kidnapped girls are trained to become smoking hot international assassins. But there can be only one! *

Trailer

• https://youtu.be/mm9ab3CQ2IE

Movie

Details

Unless otherwise stated, all full movie links I post are for free, no account required, licensed (AFAIK, IANAL) streaming VOD in English (or original language with English subtitles) and work at time of writing in my location, Mexico. Availability and language options may be different in your location. Asterisk by the one I watched.

• Tubi - Naked Weapon (2002) (English) * (up to 1080p)

• Plex - Naked Weapon (2002) (English)

Legal stream finders

• https://nobraincellsleft.github.io/JustWatch-Search/title/tm108540

• https://www.justwatch.com/us/movie/naked-weapon

Info

• Wikipedia

• IMDb 5.5/10

Personnel

• Director: Tony Ching Siu-tung (Chinese Ghost Story, The Swordsman, Dr. Wai in 'The Scripture with No Words'; action choreographer for Shaolin Soccer)

• Writer & Producer: Wong Jing (Naked Killer, Future Cops)

Cast

• Maggie Q

• Anya Wu

• Daniel Wu

Opinion

Thinking about Category III movies (see here), I searched for Wong Jing-directed Naked Killer but could only find Wong Jing-scripted Naked Weapon. (Which I don't think was rated Cat III.)

Around the world, 40 sporty 13-year-old girls are kidnapped and taken to a tropical island to be trained as assassins... which is, like, totally not an excuse to have six years later lots of sweaty girl-on-girl action in skimpy thin cotton outfits.

With the exception of an unnecessary rape scene (if you want to skip it, it's ||right after they drink the wine Madame offers them||), this actually manages to be a decent action movie, far less schlocky than I was expecting... until the last 20 minutes, when the director decides to dial up the wire fu, bullet time and sappiness to 11.

The film tends to flag every time we get Daniel Wu's CIA agent, but Maggie Q does well in the lead.

A 7 out of 10, imho.

Screenshots

(Suffering a little compression going through various apps and Pixelfed)

Slinky model assassin knows snake style!

Caption should have read "Pew, pew!"

Emotional support soaping

A slice and a miss!

I think I remember this one from the Kama Sutra... the Congress of the Thigh Lock?

Don't show. Tell!

She'll seduce you... just before she kills you!

Is Dennis Chan (Kickboxer, Future Cops)... checking this woman out in her moment of grief???

Commence romance!

Final battle

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.ca/post/47326997

a.k.a Soldier of Fortune

Tagline

The Future of the world rests on just one man!

Elevator pitch

I... can't even imagine. The "James Bond Holiday Special"?

Summary

Freelance secret agent has to retrieve a kidnapped laser scientist before the bad guys use him and a stolen diamond to develop a superweapon.

Trailer

• https://youtu.be/37i1Adt8OFc

Personnel

• Director: Beau Davis
• Writers: Phillip Guteridge, David A. Frank

Cast

• Brandon Lee
• Ernest Borgnine
• Debi A. Monahan

Info

• Wikipedia
• IMDb 3.5/10

Opinion

This, and Legacy of Rage, were the only movies starring Brandon Lee I still hadn't seen. So when I saw it available on (legit) free streaming, I went for it.

I don't think it's unfair to say it's terrible: the story, the editing, and oh my god the accents! Whether it's so bad it's good, or so bad it's just bad is up to you. Personally, I found it entertaining enough, and Brandon Lee irrepressibly charming enough, to stick through it. (The trailer is Lee being all "grim serious hero", but for much of the film he's winkingly delivering one-liners on a par with Connery or Schwarzenegger.)

I refer to it as the James Bond Holiday Special, because, like the Star Wars Holiday Special, it's incoherent, at times inexplicable, and probably the result of people doing way too much coke.

If you want quality drama and a sensible plot, this ain't it. If you want to see a guy sidekick a baddie into a guillotine, this is your jam!

Here are two reviews, one on each side of the debate:

• So bad it's good: https://talkfilmsociety.com/columns/schlock-value-laser-mission-1989
• So bad it's bad: https://www.pastemagazine.com/movies/bad-movie-diaries/laser-mission-bad-movie-diaries

A Little Bit of Politics...

A whole different issue, though, is the political context of its production. About 10 minutes in, it dawned on me this might be another Red Scorpion.

If you don't know, Red Scorpion, featuring future Brandon Lee co-star Dolph Lundgren, is a 1989 action movie about a hero who fights against assorted Communist baddies in a fictional Portuguese-speaking country in southwestern Africa, that was shot primarily in South Africa and then-South-African-occupied Namibia. Laser Mission ticks all the same boxes.

And Red Scorpion, despite being a "US" movie, turned out to have been produced in part using money secretly funneled from a propaganda wing of South Africa's apartheid regime (thanks to Jack Abramoff of the MPA, later the central figure in multiple Washington corruption scandals).

The fictional southwestern African country was a thin veil for Angola, where South Africa (and, indirectly, the US) was involved in a war against the Communist government there (supported by Soviet, East German and Cuban advisers and troops), which in turn supported liberation movements in Namibia and South Africa.

Whereas Red Scorpion stays relentlessly on message about the need to defeat communism in Africa, meaning the need to support the apartheid regime, Laser Mission doesn't bang on much about the poltics of the situation, and the central casting Soviet baddie does have another agenda. But still...

Movie

All full movie links I post are for free, no account required, licensed (AFAIK, IANAL) streaming VOD in English (or original language with English subtitles) and work at time of writing in my location, Mexico. Availability and language options may be different in your location. Asterisk by the one I watched.

• Tubi - Laser Mission (1989) *
• FreeMovies+ - Laser Mission (1989) (in the web browser, unfortunately nav bars at top and side, also black bars top and bottom)

Legal stream finders

• https://nobraincellsleft.github.io/JustWatch-Search/title/tm156953
• https://www.justwatch.com/uk/movie/laser-mission
• https://reelgood.com/movie/laser-mission-1989
• https://en.kinorium.com/91420/

Screenshots

As you can see, I still need to improve my screenshooting skills without triggering Tubi's interface.

Tubi's interface disappears but FreeMovies+ in a web browser has all that stuff visible all the time. (On a Roku, FreeMovies+ doesn't do this, it gives you proper full screen.)

"¡Soy el capitán Brownface!"

---

#actionmovies, #legitfreemovies, #brandonlee, #ernestborgnine, #bmoviebonanza

a.k.a Soldier of Fortune

Tagline

The Future of the world rests on just one man!

Elevator pitch

I... can't even imagine. The "James Bond Holiday Special"?

Summary

Freelance secret agent has to retrieve a kidnapped laser scientist before the bad guys use him and a stolen diamond to develop a superweapon.

Trailer

• https://youtu.be/37i1Adt8OFc

Personnel

• Director: Beau Davis
• Writers: Phillip Guteridge, David A. Frank

Cast

• Brandon Lee
• Ernest Borgnine
• Debi A. Monahan

Info

• Wikipedia
• IMDb 3.5/10

Opinion

This, and Legacy of Rage, were the only movies starring Brandon Lee I still hadn't seen. So when I saw it available on (legit) free streaming, I went for it.

I don't think it's unfair to say it's terrible: the story, the editing, and oh my god the accents! Whether it's so bad it's good, or so bad it's just bad is up to you. Personally, I found it entertaining enough, and Brandon Lee irrepressibly charming enough, to stick through it. (The trailer is Lee being all "grim serious hero", but for much of the film he's winkingly delivering one-liners on a par with Connery or Schwarzenegger.)

I refer to it as the James Bond Holiday Special, because, like the Star Wars Holiday Special, it's incoherent, at times inexplicable, and probably the result of people doing way too much coke.

If you want quality drama and a sensible plot, this ain't it. If you want to see a guy sidekick a baddie into a guillotine, this is your jam!

Here are two reviews, one on each side of the debate:

• So bad it's good: https://talkfilmsociety.com/columns/schlock-value-laser-mission-1989
• So bad it's bad: https://www.pastemagazine.com/movies/bad-movie-diaries/laser-mission-bad-movie-diaries

A Little Bit of Politics...

A whole different issue, though, is the political context of its production. About 10 minutes in, it dawned on me this might be another Red Scorpion.

If you don't know, Red Scorpion, featuring future Brandon Lee co-star Dolph Lundgren, is a 1989 action movie about a hero who fights against assorted Communist baddies in a fictional Portuguese-speaking country in southwestern Africa, that was shot primarily in South Africa and then-South-African-occupied Namibia. Laser Mission ticks all the same boxes.

And Red Scorpion, despite being a "US" movie, turned out to have been produced in part using money secretly funneled from a propaganda wing of South Africa's apartheid regime (thanks to Jack Abramoff of the MPA, later the central figure in multiple Washington corruption scandals).

The fictional southwestern African country was a thin veil for Angola, where South Africa (and, indirectly, the US) was involved in a war against the Communist government there (supported by Soviet, East German and Cuban advisers and troops), which in turn supported liberation movements in Namibia and South Africa.

Whereas Red Scorpion stays relentlessly on message about the need to defeat communism in Africa, meaning the need to support the apartheid regime, Laser Mission doesn't bang on much about the poltics of the situation, and the central casting Soviet baddie does have another agenda. But still...

Movie

All full movie links I post are for free, no account required, licensed (AFAIK, IANAL) streaming VOD in English (or original language with English subtitles) and work at time of writing in my location, Mexico. Availability and language options may be different in your location. Asterisk by the one I watched.

• Tubi - Laser Mission (1989) *
• FreeMovies+ - Laser Mission (1989) (in the web browser, unfortunately nav bars at top and side, also black bars top and bottom)

Legal stream finders

• https://nobraincellsleft.github.io/JustWatch-Search/title/tm156953
• https://www.justwatch.com/uk/movie/laser-mission
• https://reelgood.com/movie/laser-mission-1989
• https://en.kinorium.com/91420/

Screenshots

As you can see, I still need to improve my screenshooting skills without triggering Tubi's interface.

Tubi's interface disappears but FreeMovies+ in a web browser has all that stuff visible all the time. (On a Roku, FreeMovies+ doesn't do this, it gives you proper full screen.)

"¡Soy el capitán Brownface!"

---

#actionmovies, #legitfreemovies, #brandonlee, #ernestborgnine, #bmoviebonanza

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.ca/post/47163316

Tagline 1

A $50 million heist
A ski resort held hostage
A cop with nothing to lose

Tagline 2

Jack take a vacation? Not on his life.

Elevator pitch

Die Hard at a ski resort (but without any skiing, that shit's expensive!)

Summary

Troubled loose cannon cop Jack Wild (yes, really) is persuaded by his brother and sister-in-law to take a break from it all and accompany them on a ski trip... only to find a mobster at the resort. And then a team of baddies take over the place to get the mobster's diamonds.

Trailer

• https://youtu.be/3nNdRYNmVHo

Personnel

• Director: Michael Mazo
• Writers: Micheal Bafaro & Jonas Quastel

Cast

• Thomas Ian Griffith
• Nastassja Kinski
• Christopher Plummer
• Plus several actors you've seen in stuff shot in Vancouver (X Files, SG-1 etc) over the years

Info

• https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crackerjack_(1994_film)
• https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0109494/

Opinion

When I say this is Die Hard at a ski resort, boy, do I mean it!

Die Hard checklist

• Unmarried cop on vacation: check!
• Family member/s on site for higher stakes: check!
• Assorted Euro baddies taking over a buildingful of hostages: check!
• Led by a respected, international actor playing a well-dressed, well-spoken East German killer: check!
• Cop talks to himself sarcastically about how well his vacation is going: check!
• Cop disbelieved when reporting the hostage crisis to the authorities over the radio: check!
• Cop takes out baddies one by one: check!
• Cop and lead baddie exchange snappy repartee via stolen walkie-talkie: check!
• Baddie threatens to kill hostage unless hero gives himself up: check!
• Baddies already prepared for the inevitable response from the cavalry: check!
• Bye bye, cavalry: check!
• Baddie identifies the cop and cop's family member/s: check!
• Baddies have a plan to kill all the hostages and make it look like they're dead, too: check!
• Baddie reveals his motive is not what he made it seem: check!

Just about the only thing they didn't include was comic relief or a Christmas theme. And the snow was right there, fer crying out loud!

But given just how many Die Hard rip-offs there have been, and how bad most of them are, Crackerjack comes off as one of the better ones, especially given its low budget ($4 million Canadian, which is, what, a buck fiddy in real money? ;). Plummer's accent is not in Rickman's league, Kinski doesn't get to make us care much about her, and it lacks the little comic touches of its role model.

On the other hand, things move along at a fair pace (once the trouble starts), and when it comes to the hand-to-hand combat, it feels genuinely punishing, with Griffith pulling off some sweet moves. (I thought he was an actor!)

Spawned two more movies: in 2, Jack Wild is played by a different actor. And 3 has no other connection to the other two apart from the title. Always a sign of quality! :D

Movie

All movie links are for free (no account required), legal & licensed (AFAIK) streaming VOD in English (or original language with English subtitles) and work at time of writing in my location, Mexico. Availability and language options may be different in your location. Asterisk by the one I watched.

• https://tubitv.com/es-mx/movies/534922/crackerjack *
• https://watch.plex.tv/movie/crackerjack-1994

Screenshots

Tagline 1

A $50 million heist
A ski resort held hostage
A cop with nothing to lose

Tagline 2

Jack take a vacation? Not on his life.

Elevator pitch

Die Hard at a ski resort (but without any skiing, that shit's expensive!)

Summary

Troubled loose cannon cop Jack Wild (yes, really) is persuaded by his brother and sister-in-law to take a break from it all and accompany them on a ski trip... only to find a mobster at the resort. And then a team of baddies take over the place to get the mobster's diamonds.

Trailer

• https://youtu.be/3nNdRYNmVHo

Personnel

• Director: Michael Mazo
• Writers: Micheal Bafaro & Jonas Quastel

Cast

• Thomas Ian Griffith
• Nastassja Kinski
• Christopher Plummer
• Plus several actors you've seen in stuff shot in Vancouver (X Files, SG-1 etc) over the years

Info

• https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crackerjack_(1994_film)
• https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0109494/

Opinion

When I say this is Die Hard at a ski resort, boy, do I mean it!

Die Hard checklist

• Unmarried cop on vacation: check!
• Family member/s on site for higher stakes: check!
• Assorted Euro baddies taking over a buildingful of hostages: check!
• Led by a respected, international actor playing a well-dressed, well-spoken East German killer: check!
• Cop talks to himself sarcastically about how well his vacation is going: check!
• Cop disbelieved when reporting the hostage crisis to the authorities over the radio: check!
• Cop takes out baddies one by one: check!
• Cop and lead baddie exchange snappy repartee via stolen walkie-talkie: check!
• Baddie threatens to kill hostage unless hero gives himself up: check!
• Baddies already prepared for the inevitable response from the cavalry: check!
• Bye bye, cavalry: check!
• Baddie identifies the cop and cop's family member/s: check!
• Baddies have a plan to kill all the hostages and make it look like they're dead, too: check!
• Baddie reveals his motive is not what he made it seem: check!

Just about the only thing they didn't include was comic relief or a Christmas theme. And the snow was right there, fer crying out loud!

But given just how many Die Hard rip-offs there have been, and how bad most of them are, Crackerjack comes off as one of the better ones, especially given its low budget ($4 million Canadian, which is, what, a buck fiddy in real money? ;). Plummer's accent is not in Rickman's league, Kinski doesn't get to make us care much about her, and it lacks the little comic touches of its role model.

On the other hand, things move along at a fair pace (once the trouble starts), and when it comes to the hand-to-hand combat, it feels genuinely punishing, with Griffith pulling off some sweet moves. (I thought he was an actor!)

Spawned two more movies: in 2, Jack Wild is played by a different actor. And 3 has no other connection to the other two apart from the title. Always a sign of quality! :D

Movie

All movie links are for free (no account required), legal & licensed (AFAIK) streaming VOD in English (or original language with English subtitles) and work at time of writing in my location, Mexico. Availability and language options may be different in your location. Asterisk by the one I watched.

• https://tubitv.com/es-mx/movies/534922/crackerjack *
• https://watch.plex.tv/movie/crackerjack-1994

Screenshots

1. Type of key?

The brand is Phillips but they make various types. The type here is (not sure of the correct jargon) without vertical ridges and notches. And both sides of the key are identical.

I've looked at some diagrams of key types and I'm not sure exactly. Is it a "dimple key"? Something else?

2. How to remove broken part from lock?

Location: Door between bedroom and garden.

Situation:

• Someone bent the key a little, and it was stuck, couldn't get it out. On the inside of the door. At that point still able to lock and unlock from the inside only. Using other key from the outside does nothing, doesn't even turn.

• I tried gently straightening it but it immediately snapped.

• Now: can still open and close the door using the handle. Can still, with difficulty, lock and unlock the door (from inside only) by carefully pressing the head of the key against what is in the lock and turning.

A lot of info online for removing broken key blades from locks are for the "traditional" kind of key with vertical ridges and notches.

I have a screwdriver that fits all the screws and I can access all sides of the lock (inside, outside, edge), but I'm not sure if that's relevant. I've tried tweezers but it's too snug.

If I need more tools or equipment, I'll get them tomorrow.

I think I might have found one possible source of inspiration for the Kickpuncher franchise: Future Kick (1991), starring Don "The Dragon" Wilson.

• https://lemmy.ca/post/46999890

The Community wiki page on Kickpuncher says CyberTracker (a different Don Wilson movie which I haven't seen yet).

Previously, I always assumed the inspiration was Albert Pyun movies like Cyborg and Nemesis.

What do you folks think?

a.k.a. Kickboxer 2025

(Whuuuuut? That's the year we're in!)

Tagline

A personal quest for vengenace
A high tech race for survival

Trailer

• https://youtu.be/uFAm5UUrLbQ

Info

• https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0101931/

Cast

• Don "the Dragon" Wilson
• Meg Foster
• Chris Penn

Summary

In a future where Earth is a polluted, crime-ridden hellhole and the rich live on the moon passing their time with VR fantasies and organ upgrades (which is totally not going to happen, right? ... RIGHT?), the last of the Cyberons is hired by the widow of a VR fantasy designer murdered by organ thieves to hunt down his killers on the deadly streets of New Los Angeles.

Opinion

The moment I saw the title "Future Kick", I had to see it. Fans of the TV show Community will understand why.

https://community-sitcom.fandom.com/wiki/Kickpuncher

This Roger Corman-produced flick wisely gives the other actors most of the lines and lets Don kick. My first Don movie, and until I started browsing free streaming, I hadn't realized just how many, many, many Don Wilson movies were out there!

Overall, a competent straight-to-video actioner with a few gonzo deaths yet still fails to enthuse. Meg Foster at least brings some humanity to the screen, but Chris Penn, the year before Reservoir Dogs, in particular seems wasted. (In hindsight, I should clarify I mean "underutilized", not "intoxicated".)

Movie

• https://tubitv.com/es-mx/movies/466817/future-kick
• https://watch.plex.tv/movie/future-kick
• https://mubi.com/en/us/films/future-kick
• https://www.justwatch.com/mx/pelicula/kickboxer-2025 (as so often, currently says it's unavailable even though it is; I include it here in case it provides better results in future)

Screenshots

Trailers

• https://youtu.be/7YreptZ-_SA
• https://youtu.be/WYbpsi2SrUQ

Info

• https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Robot_vs._the_Aztec_Mummy
• https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0050717/

Cast

• Ramón Gay
• Rosita Arenas
• Crox Alvarado
• Luis Acevedes Castañeda

Summary

A psychiatrist uses his wife's hypnotically recovered memories of a past life as an Aztec princess to discover a hidden tomb with treasures... but they come with a curse.

And a mad scientist has a plan to overcome the curse and steal the treasure to fund his evil masterplan.

I chose this at random, cuz with a title like that, how could I resist! I did not know:

• it was the third film in a trilogy
• it recapped and recycled much of the first two films, which would explain why 80% seems like retelling and flashbacks.
• it was the second movie ever riffed by Mystery Science Theatre 3000.

Despite being a brief 64 minutes, it still feels like this could have been cut another 20 minutes, and the promised "robot"-(more like a cyborg)-on-mummy action was only a few minutes at the very end.

Movie

• https://archive.org/details/TheRobotVs.TheAztecMummylaMomiaAztecaControElRobotHumano1958-
• https://tubitv.com/es-mx/movies/672119/the-robot-vs-the-aztec-mummy
• https://youtu.be/iplNK6vZzl4

Screenshots

MST3K Episode with Movie

• https://tubitv.com/es-mx/movies/391130/mystery-science-theater-3000-the-robot-vs-the-aztec-mummy (includes intro and serial before the main feature)

Rolling Vengeance (1987)

Tagline

Always use the right tool for the job.

Cast

• Ned Beatty
• Lawrence Dane
• A.C. Peterson (as Alar Aedma)
• No one else I recognize

Elevator pitch

Convoy meets Death Wish

Summary

Little Joey Rosso's family gets smushed by a big rig cuz of the dickhead sons of Tiny Doyle (Ned Beatty doing his best Alvin Stardust impression). But little do they know what Little Joe has been building in the barn...

If you can make it through the slow first half, things get fun in the second. Surprisingly ungory for an exploitation revenge flick. But still the best movie there is for seeing Confederate-flag-wearing-motherf%$kers getting run down by a monster truck.

Looks like it was filmed where Smallville / Supernatural were, with the colour palette of a wet 2-day old Denny's Grand Slam breakfast.

Info

• https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rolling_Vengeance
• https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093876/

Trailer

• https://youtu.be/yNFv0_jzxfI

Movie

• https://youtu.be/-K5pXsahiug

cross-posted from: https://sh.itjust.works/post/40299521

Starring:

• Keir Dullea
• Jack Palance
• Samantha Eggar
• Barry Morse

A group of strangers find themselves dumped into a desolate countryside. They have no knowledge of who they are other than a card in their pockets telling each of them the number of people they've killed.

I don't know what more that I can say about this movie that wouldn't be a huge spoiler. (If you insist, I'll give more info at the end of the post hidden by the spoiler tag.)

I first saw this by chance on late night TV in the early 90s, with no idea of what it was.

Was it perfect? No. Was it interesting? Absolutely. Somehow it always stuck with me and every now and then for the last few decades, something reminds me of the premise. Today some comments made on a post about the kind of people who become ICE recruits brought it to mind again. https://piefed.social/post/930947

So I looked it up on and it's on Tubi, and I rewatched it for the first time in over three decades. Still thought-provoking.

• Welcome to Blood City - Tubi (English audio)
• Welcome to Blood City - YouTube (English audio)

Technical note: Unfortunately, it seems to only be available in very low quality, both on Tubi and YouTube: 360p, videotape transfer with artefacts, poor pan-and-scan. The subs on Tubi seem to be ripped from YouTube's autogenerate!

More links below but even the scantiest review or description is a huge spoiler. If you can, I'd recommend watching it with no more info in advance.

• Wikipedia
• IMDb
• Spoilers: Audio review from Quentin Tarantino? on YouTube

SPOILER, if you want to know anyway

Several people wake up with no memory. They're accosted by varmints with cowboy hats and six-shooters. A sheriff on horseback finds them and takes them to town. But this town has its own particular rules: either live as a slave or kill to become a citizen.

So the movie's a Western... only it isn't. A modern-day war is ongoing. During an evacuation, ordinary citizens were diverted off the streets. Unbeknownst to them, they've been placed into a game, a "pseudo reality" (the phrase "virtual reality" hadn't even been invented yet) which scientists use to test their personalities and find the ideal candidates for military roles to fight the war. Welcome to Blood City is the first ever film about virtual reality.

Because of the mix of future tech and old west, WTBC often gets dismissed as a Westworld rip-off but it's much more significant than that: It's not about tech gone wrong, it's about society gone wrong, and the choices we'd be confronted with in such a society. As with a lot of interesting speculative fiction, it makes you think: what would you do?

As Tarantino (is it really him?) says, the premise and first two acts are AWESOME, but it falls down in the third act. If they'd devised a better resolution, this would have a scifi classic. Prime material for a new and improved remake.