The Onion and other satire w/ layers

Claim: The Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) issued the following statement on X: “A recent audit of the United States Military uncovered a team of spearmen who have been stationed somewhere in the arctic for over 1,000 years. This dramatic oversight is just one of many examples of unqualified, inactive workers taking advantage of our government’s negligence, costing taxpayers millions in gold.”

Rating: Mixed

A review of historical military records does much to explain the presence of these arctic-based spearmen, who are, as DOGE claims, still on the US military payroll.

The recent declassification of all records relating to President John F. Kennedy’s assassination has revealed that the event was motivated entirely by Lee Harvey Oswald’s lifelong obsession with violent video games, historians announced.

“For the first time ever, we’re able to look back on that day with almost perfect clarity,” explained Owen Císte-Torthaí, professor of history at the University of Maryland. “All the ridiculous speculation and conspiracy theories can finally be put to rest. We know exactly why Kennedy was assassinated, and like every act of violence, it’s because of video games.”

In an effort to restore what he said were traditional American values that the previous administration had attempted to destroy, President Donald Trump signed an executive order Monday decreeing that all children born while President Joe Biden was in office would be renamed after Confederate generals.

Late boxer and entrepreneur George Foreman’s casket will be tilted to allow rendered fat to drain out of the bottom and into a separate tray, sources confirm.

“This is an option we offer to our more health-conscious decedents,” said Barry Carroll, funeral home director. “The patented fat-burning technology allows our patrons to experience a leaner afterlife without losing any of that heavenly flavor. You simply close the lid, and the casket does all the work. It couldn’t be any simpler.”

Emphasizing that the practice was just more evidence of journalists’ bias against him, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump stated Thursday that he was sick and tired of the mainstream media always attempting to place his words into some kind of context.

edit: as pointed out in a comment by /u/magic_lobster_party who paid more attention to the page than I did, this is actually from 2016 and was just recently resurfaced to me while I was browsing the site (but it is, unfortunately, still relevant)

In an effort to dismiss widespread criticism, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg reportedly insisted Thursday that anyone with the same skewed values and tenacious thirst for power could have made the same mistakes he did.

The nation’s ongoing housing crisis has taken a disturbing ecological turn, with experts confirming that slugs now outnumber snails at an unprecedented rate.

In inner city areas, there have also been reports of snails sporting multiple shells, despite it offering no additional protection and security. Many have also refused to downsize, leaving slugs to face the elements.

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer chose not to use a key legislative tool to oppose a Republican funding bill out of fear that he would need it in a future battle, congressional sources confirm.

In the wake of soaring egg prices and shortages nationwide, food experts from the U.S. Department of Agriculture released new guidelines Friday recommending the use of hunger as an appropriate egg substitute. “Whether used as a binder in baked goods or on its own as a savory breakfast, not eating can be substituted for eggs in most recipes,” said a USDA spokesperson, citing the practice as a popular method of food preparation that dates back to the Great Depression, when many Americans had nothing on hand in the pantry, making hunger a practical alternative for many meals.

Tech CEO's response to burning Teslas includes plans to "optimize" firefighting industry out of existence

Assuming the controversial president of the United States must be in possession of potentially damning information concerning his home country in order to keep them so completely under his control, the rest of the world wondered aloud Tuesday about exactly what Trump has on America that compels the nation to keep him in power. “Whoa, he must have some real bad dirt on the U.S. populace for them to just let him get away with so much unconscionable bullshit. You have to wonder what he knows,” said billions of world inhabitants outside of President Trump’s jurisdiction

NASA astronauts Barry “Butch” Wilmore and Suni Williams have successfully returned to Earth, but have been told they will need to say ‘thank you’ to the new President and Vice President before they will be released from their capsule.

As Williams opened the door to the space capsule in waters off Florida, she was surprised to see JD Vance standing on a boat nearby. “Have you said thank you to me once in this entire mission?” he said to a visibly confused Williams.

After months of defending his country from their unending attacks, President ‘Peacemaker’ Putin has agreed to a ceasefire deal he called the “Netanyahu Accords”.

Putin said he would be willing to follow any ceasefire agreement based on the ceasefire ‘peace loving’ Israeli PM Benjamin Nentanyahu recently signed, as long as Russia gets to be the ‘Israel’ in the agreement.

An American Trump supporter on a spiritual trip to his ancestral homeland has been left stunned after discovering what the Irish version of a ‘Republican’ is.

Revolutionary technology creates cars that exist only on government rebate forms

And that was 25 years ago.

The human mind’s ability to be disturbed by such atrocities, the study found, will most likely vanish from the American psyche by the summer of 2001, if not sooner.

“What’s incredible is that this creep got away with it for so long: Every day, he was out there in public, expressing his own convictions, as every U.S. resident—citizen or noncitizen—has done since our nation’s founding. Thankfully, we got a tip about posts he had made on social media suggesting he might be the sort of freak who spends time conveying his beliefs to others without fear of retribution from a tyrannical government, possibly because that practice is expressly enshrined in the First Amendment of the Bill of Rights. This guy was sick, really sick.