we've been no contact with my family on and off for a while - we were able to use covid and my daughter's premature birth as a scapegoat (which honestly was a worry anyways), but we've been starting to try and attend family events more now that my parents have grandkids other than my own kids. Having more in-laws and grand kids has seemed to help them mellow out a bit.
To over simplify, my mom and I've never gotten along. I know I have a lot of blame for that from when I was a kid / teenager, and I think my mom has some unresolved challenges of her own from her dad abusing her as a kid. That being said, as a Father of a few kids myself, the idea of my kids eliminating their relationship with me kills me inside, and I gotta think my mom feels similarly - I hope so at least. I've tried reaching out a few times a few different ways, trying to talk about things I know she loves - old Abbott and Costello movies, good food, baseball, etc. I feel like I'm talking to a wall - and at family events we do go to, she wont talk to me. I try to, and she'll respond with a smile, but she wont actually talk to me. Often at family shin digs (family pictures, birthday, holiday dinner) I wont get a word out of her. I can't tell if she's scared of me or if she just doesn't care.
This latest attempt kind of stung - I stuck my neck out and transparently stated I wanted to spend some quality time together. I'm trying not to read into it too much, but it seemed like time with me was a chore - which when I look back at any interactions we have, I can see that could be her perception. I want to get this to work. I'm not sure what to try next, I'd really love to have a good relationship with my mom. I've genuinely apologized for my actions as a kid a number of times, and I've been consistenly trying things like this in person or over messages for a few years now. I'm kind of at a loss.
My parents are great for the most part, but they had an ease with yelling at me that still gets under my skin. I got yelled at when I broke my ankle as a kid, stopped me from telling my parents when I got hurt later on.
I had to hang up the phone recently because they started yelling. I'm in my 30s, I don't need that in my life anymore.
I circled back and apologized for hanging up but told them I'm not doing the whole yelling thing anymore.
My neighbors yell at their kid. It puts me in a state of panic every time I hear it through the walls.
I’m sorry you have to deal with that. I learned, not that long ago, that I’m an adult and I have the control in the relationship now. I’m not going to be grounded for not answering my phone, or not telling someone something. I don’t HAVE to see anyone, or talk to anyone if I don’t want to. If they treat me poorly, they don’t GET to be in my life. It was pretty liberating and it took too long to understand it.
Been there. I’m sorry they are like that.
Timeouts work well, in my experience. Of course this assumes they want a relationship with you. My mother very much does, not sure why, we are oil and water. Every time she starts being her awful self, timeout. If the timeout ends and she’s still being herself longer timeout.
The best thing I’ve been able to do for myself was to recognize unhealthy behaviors and remove them from my life. That heart racing, jaw clenching, fight or flight feeling isn’t good, and I’m not a kid, so I have the control now.