feiras

hey, back from the underground with another vent!

soo this weekend was basically the first time I ever kissed a man and it was simply the best kiss I have ever had - it felt really right for the first time, I liked the taste and I cannot imagine that the combination of my fucking rigid thinking and internalized homo-/transphobia made me repress this shit as well until I'm 23.

Geez I must have heard or read somewhere that men are into women and that I would become a man. That's it - game over! Clung to that logic like my life depended on it, because all I ever wanted was to be normal so I couldn't let this slip. I must be a man. I must be into women.

I was probably never attracted to women at all, just admired their sense of fashion and wanted to be friends with them because I could relate to them more.

All the signs were there, people pointed it out to me all the time, but I just didn't allow myself these thoughts. Whenever women actually made any move on me I just didn't do anything, saying they just 'weren't' the right one - guess what dummy, if none are the right one, but you keep shyly checking out men, you're into men.

Still I kept gaslighting myself and coping so hard through dissociation and pure force of will. I'm honestly surprised I made it this far.

I'm absolutely divine at gaslighting myself, coping and living in denial though... probably doing it right now, I just don't know with what - and I won't be able to tell until I have a breakdown because of my alexithymia.

I'm just so sloow with everything regarding mental development it's honestly a joke at this point. My processing times are THROUGH THE FUCKING ROOF - it takes me 10-15 minutes to read a page in a book and I have to stop like 4-5 times for a few minutes to walk myself through what I just read, same with YouTube Videos.

Like when people look at me, they see a 3/4 grown up man / maybe sometimes a non-passing trans woman, but I feel like I'm just stunted in my growth and will never really get the full grasp of adult human experience.

How could they diagnose me as gifted, when I wouldn't actually be able to advance my skills at a neurotypical level AT ALL? I was just ahead of the curve at the time or they were giving me an outdated test, but I stayed at that level and only gained more knowledge.

How can I even have a job? Ah yeah... I memorized about two pages of scripted, non-emotional & predictable conversation and now people pay me to rattle that off to stangers for eight hours a day.

This disorder is veil.

bye bye, talk to you next time when my life is in shambles <3

So I'm basically doing an autism deep-dive into endocrinology at the moment and I came across this study, which suggests that

There have been good results in recent research to inhibit the generator of pulsatile secretion of GnRH necessary for ovulation by using melatonin in a new type of oral contraceptive.

As far as I understand from this article, GnRH basically stimulates biological hormone production (testosterone & LH in biological men; progesterone and estrogen in biological women).

If melatonin reduces GnRH production to such a level that it may even be used as a contraceptive, I cannot help but wonder, if any of you remember any supplementary (gender affirming) effects if you have taken melatonin before or during replacement hormone therapy?

Just went through some work stress, gender dysphoria crisis (transitioning is soo scary with a right-wing family x.x) and autism struggles today... currently listening to this smooth jazz song and having a beer to calm down

On a positive note: I installed Fedora on my little Optiplex today and I'm currently backing up my photo memories from the past twelve years from iCloud to leave yet another tech conglomerate :)

How has your day been?

Not only did it take me 23 years to figure out that this constant, never-ending and subtle 'something is NOT right' feeling was actually gender dysphoria, I feel like I have to play a constant game of trial and error with my emotions even for the tiniest of things.

I'll squirm uncomfortably for hours on end, stuck in 'functional freeze', feeling like I just have to relax because I'm stressed from work, but what I'm actually feeling is HUNGER.

Then I eat something and try to remember what hunger feels like, but end up doing the exact same thing as soon as I wake up the next morning.

Don't even get me started on shopping groceries... If I don't buy the EXACT ten items I always buy, I'll be stuck for twenty minutes in front of the cheese isle and try to logically deduct which of these cheeses I might like, because I don't have any gut instincts whatsoever.

I'm not that bad at reading others others emotions, because I have learned the signs of body language, but I can't look at myself in the mirror and have a conversation with myself to see how I react to things when I'm out and about. I just have to know what I feel, which is kinda impossible sometimes.

I just sat in silence in front of my computer for the past few hours, feeling this tangled blob inside of me that tells me 'Hey, you want something! Better figure out what it is.'

After two hours of trying to: watch a show, eat more, shower and change clothes (none of which worked), I remembered: 'Ah, I like listening to music and I haven't done that in a few days' - so I put in my headphones and then it's like 'Ah yes, that's what I've been missing'.

Going through this all the time is SOOO exhausting! I HAVE TO sleep 10+ hours every night to recharge from experiencing conscious reality - and people still wonder why I dropped out of college xD

Feel free to suggest in the comments :) Just looking for something relatable to listen to while commuting or doing household chores xx

Sadly a bit too smol

Makes me feel super dysphoric - currently I already have a discernible M shape on my forehead (short-medium hair ATM, growing it out) -.- Any tips on what I can do before going on hormones? Could that hair grow back once I'm on them? Any hairstyling advice?