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The original was posted on /r/relationships by /u/chasingamy1994 on 2023-08-18 15:09:15+00:00.
Hi, looking for some advice really on what I can do in my current situation, really appreciate anyone who has a read and maybe offers some input.
I (F 25) have been with my current partner (M 23) for two years. We work together and we had an immediate connection. I've never got along with someone so easily and in many ways he feels like a soul mate.
One thing that has unfortunately become a really big problem though is trust. He lied by omission about an ex. When I first met him his first ex was in a relationship with one of his best mates. I didn't find this out though until about a month or so after meeting her. It all came out one night when he was drunk and he told me how they had dated in high school and he'd lost his virginity to her. We'd had a discussion about our first time earlier on in our dating so I was surprised that he hadn't mentioned it was with a friend who I would meet as she was in his close friendship group. It shocked me to find out as I met her at a wedding and spoke to her a lot and danced and took photos and obviously didn't know about their past.
He said they dated for a few months over summer a few years before, had sex once and then ended up in a friendship group a few years later and were in a group chat met up a few times as a group, then she started dating his mate.
I always felt there was more to it and obviously, with today's society everything is available on social network to see, so I did a bit of stalking, which is embarrassing I know, but I just had a gut feeling about it all. Ended up seeing loads of interactions between them on Facebook with him liking, loving and commenting compliments on many of her pics not long before we met and before she started dating his friend.
I also found evidence of them dating much longer than a few months over summer and evidence of then dating twice rather than once. But he doubled down on his story for months.
I ended up going on his phone and saw loads of messages and video calls between them in the months before we met, they matched on tinder. They met up one-on-one for walks and went for lunch, he said they never met up just the two of them to me, so flat out lie there. There were romantic gifs and lots of 'I love yous' he even said at one point she was the most important person in his life.
If he'd just said the truth about things, even if it was stuff I wouldnt have liked hearing at least I could have trusted him and left that topic with a proper understanding and transparency.
Still, even after I saw all the messages, he said 'he forgot' about it all, it was only when I said I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who I couldn't trust that he admitted that he'd deliberately kept out certain things to protect my feelings. He basically gave me an edited story.
We were working on trust after this, I was really depressed honestly, it all came about just before xmas and it ruined the holiday season.
So, February 2022, this is the night I just can't get over. I've been really struggling with my thoughts and just keep getting flashbacks to it that put me on a real downer.
Im out with a mate, my bf is out with a mate. My mate goes home, my bf messages saying he's at a club. I message back saying I might be coming, but ill be alone as my mate's gone home. I don't hear anything back. It's midnight. I ring him once or twice, no answer. I walk to club alone and qeue outside for 10 minute, he never gets in touch with me, hasn't seen my messages, I pay £5 to get in. As soon as I walk in I see him on the bottom floor hand in hand with a girl twirling her around, they're both smiling and giggling, staring into each others eyes. I was mortofied and so embarrassed. I watched them for a minute, then walked up to them. There was no one even around them, it was an empty dancefloor except from them, they looked like a couple. As I walked up he looked like a deer in headlights, then starts trying to introduce me to her and she ran off.
He said I was ridiculous, tells me to shut the fuck up and rolls his eyes and mimics my facial expressions when I start crying. I say im going home and he says 'ill put u in a taxi'.
My brother and his mate had seen my bf out on a night our a few months prior, id gone home that night and he'd stayed out. He didn't even text to make sure I was home safe. But they saw him twice in 2 different bars chatting to girls. He was alone, so not wing-manning mates.
It all gets worse when my brother tells me his ex has been in touch and she was out with my bf on this same night after id gone home he was dancing with her for two hours and buying her drinks (something we had already agreed was a boundary) she said it was just the two of them, no friends present. She said nothing happened. A month later she changed her story and says he kissed her, she sent me this horrible video of them dancing very closely, their faces look like they are touching even though she says they didn't kiss in the video.
My bf has said he has a drug problem with coke and on all these instances was so out of it high and drunk he didn't think about what he was doing but is adamant he didn't kiss her.
I've thought about it all every single day since it happened. Im embarrassed when I see the mate he was with that night who comes in our pub all the time, it just brings it all back and I find myself thinking 'what does he know that I don't.' the first girl he was dancing with was his friend too and I've found her on Facebook and she's only 18, I keep picturing the look on her face and how embarrassed I was walking up to her and him, I worry about running into her.
Driving past the nightclubs where it happened bring back horrible memories and I can no longer go into my fave night club with my bf anymore. I don't listen to the band who's song was playing when I walked in to find then dancing. I don't want to dance with my partner anymore, I don't write birthday or anniversary posts anymore. It all just feels ruined. I don't know if there's anyway through this
We love each other and he's my best friend and in many ways aside from this it's my dream life, walks in the park, cooking, trips away together, exploring the world. We'd planned to go travelling for a year in Australia and get married when we get back. But I don't know if ill ever get over this, it's been like 7 months and it's just been the worst time of my life since it happened. Even the good memories feel tainted, this night follows me around like a cloud. When we first met we bonded over the bottom floor of the night club, the same floor they were dancing together on as it's the 'indie' floor and we bonded over the band who's song was playing, and one of our first dates was a double date with my brother and the ex. It all just feels ruined and my self esteem and trust is gone.
Since all this he hasn't been on a night out and his been on his best behaviour but it doesn't make the memories go away. Has anyone experienced anything like this and overcome it as a couple and made things work, on the other hand, has this been a deal breaker for some people if so, was it a good decision ?
TL;DR: partner has been dishonest and broken boundaries, I'm not sure if I need to let it all go and keep working on it, or move on and end it.