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Noted philanthropist Donald Trump makes buying stocks affordable to all Americans through kind-hearted economic crash (newsthump.com)

submitted 2 weeks ago by merdaverse@lemmy.world to c/theonion@midwest.social

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“With the near trillion dollar sell-off on the Nasdaq alone earlier yesterday, the rapid devaluing of assets has allowed the American public unparalleled access to cheap stocks and shares on the market.”

Economic spokesman for the White House, Chuck Williams, claimed, “People use words like slump, looming economic depression, lowest recorded IQ of any president ever, as though they’re bad things.

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[–] Gigameister@lemmy.world 35 points 2 weeks ago

i always fall down with laughter when u guys do stuff like this!

Please keep it up!

[–] Geometrinen_Gepardi@sopuli.xyz 27 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

It's true though, there's a fire sale going on.

[–] grue@lemmy.world 11 points 2 weeks ago

There's a falling knife going on, with the floor nowhere near.

[–] Ghyste@sh.itjust.works 13 points 2 weeks ago

Caught this one right away when they used "philanthropist" and "Trump" in the same sentence, and it wasn't "Trump is not a philanthropist".

[–] P4ulin_Kbana@lemmy.eco.br 5 points 2 weeks ago (3 children)

I wish I could buy stocks right now…

[–] Lemmist@lemm.ee 5 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

You still can afford to buy socks. That's almost the same, just a letter of difference.

[–] SaveTheTuaHawk@lemmy.ca 3 points 2 weeks ago

We have no idea how far the market will crash.

[–] nooneescapesthelaw@mander.xyz 2 points 2 weeks ago

Give it two more weeks and everybody will be able to!

[–] LillyPip@lemmy.ca 4 points 2 weeks ago

Good to see a bona fide Onion article instead of the ‘we have the Onion at home’ slop every other media outlet has been pushing lately. Brings a tear to the eye.