The Onion

(Washington, DC) As the current administration enters month three, an alarming trend of repetition using the words “outlandish, inane, or stupid” has swept through American journalism. Even satirical articles face an alarming trend of repetition using the words “outlandish, inane, or stupid.”

“It’s clear American media has run out of words to describe the policies of the trump presidency,” reports BBC in today’s news. “While everything coming out is alarming, or stupid, you can’t just say those words over and over… people tune out. It’s like trying to talk to fish about water.”

This conundrum has led some journalists to consult lexicons for more superfluous verbiage. But the use of synonyms has been found to drive off American readers, who often read at a middle school level.

“I ain’t never seen a lexicon,” said Leon Sturbgetter, a cow detangler from rural Oklahoma, “although I do remember it’s Saint Patrick’s Day.”

In a surprise move, the Australian Government has countered Donald Trump’s latest tariffs by imposing a levy on any use of the phrases ‘DEI’, ‘DOGE’, or ‘the First Amendment’ in relation to Australian society.

In an angry speech today, Prime Minster Anthony Albanese said enough was enough. “Honestly, most people have just had it with dipshits complaining about DEI classes which don’t actually exist. We’re going to put a tariff on that.

“Steep tariffs have also been imposed on Facebook posts quoting the U.S. Constitution by saying ‘We the people’. You live in Ballarat dickhead”.

Tariffs will also be imposed on:

– The use of the phrase “Australia needs DOGE” matched with a lack of understanding that Australia has had an auditing authority since 1902.

– Whatever American nonsense Senator Ralph Babet is tweeting as he currently slams his large thumb shaped head into an iPad keyboard.

– Clive Palmer’s new political party, Horny for Patriotism (or whatever it’s called, we’re not looking it up).

Once the tariffs take effect Clive is expected to be broke within a month.

In the meantime, the Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade issued a statement suggesting Australians try domestically manufactured culture wars such as, obsessing over Australia Day being on January 26, or claiming that landlords are an oppressed class because they are not allowed to take another year to fix an oven.

“I spent hours in my lab and finally created a device that would bring me right to the moment Hitler was born so I could give that baby a piece of my mind and change the course of history,” said Representative Eastlund while enjoying a delicious plate of apple strudel at a quaint Austrian cafe. “I didn’t want to be rude when I arrived at Hitler’s place so I stood in the doorway and held a sign that said ‘Save Medicaid’ as high as I could. I’m pretty sure baby Adolph saw it, but he may have been sleeping. After about 15 seconds a man with a very thick mustache escorted me out of the building, but my message was pretty clear. I’m excited to see how much better the world is once I go back to the present.”

Revolutionary technology creates cars that exist only on government rebate forms

"The truth is, if Americans just had proper access to lightweight cosmetic products capable of hiding blemishes, eliminating uneven skin tone, and highlighting natural complexion, measles could be eradicated.”

As the UK marks the fifth anniversary of the COVID-19 outbreak, and significant portion of the population solemnly reflects on lost loved ones, a much louder, considerably dimmer contingent has seized the moment to once again declare the entire thing a hoax.

A surprisingly number of below average intelligence citizens appear to blissfully ignorant of the more than 200,000 UK deaths, as well as the rather inconvenient fact that they saw hospitals overflowing with their own eyes.

“It’s all just a big scam, mate,” confirmed Simon Williams, 47, an unemployed YouTube researcher from Essex who once failed a GCSE science exam, but now considers himself deeply informed on virology.

“With the near trillion dollar sell-off on the Nasdaq alone earlier yesterday, the rapid devaluing of assets has allowed the American public unparalleled access to cheap stocks and shares on the market.”

Economic spokesman for the White House, Chuck Williams, claimed, “People use words like slump, looming economic depression, lowest recorded IQ of any president ever, as though they’re bad things.