You misunderstood the entire post it looks like.

OP asks the question “what if I know or have been introduced to the person’s pronouns but forget?” This is visible in OP’s own admission: “I am terrible at remembering people’s pronouns.”

Someone responded with slight misunderstanding or perhaps inclarity essentially saying “if you misgender someone you might seem bigoted.”

Then instead of giving any good faith or asking for clarification, you responded with very high toxicity.

Now, I can see that you misunderstood and thought the conversation was about people you don’t know, but your response was very inappropriate and normalizing of hate, using phrases like “For fucks sake this is why the heteros hate us. Younger queers need faux outrage to feel important.” Even the beehaw mod gave you a reprimand.

That behavior and escalation of the conversation is terribly toxic and I do not blame blahaj for not giving you an in depth benefit-of-the-doubt investigation before deciding they didn’t want that behavior.

Verdict: YDI but I get how this misunderstanding happened. My suggestion:

• Reread the post and your comments.
• Acknowledge your misunderstanding and apologize to the person you were toxic to.
• Apologize and clarify the misunderstanding to blahaj.
• Work on your deescalation skills.

OP has revealed their true colours in their comments in the threads here. Fucking LGB alliance bullshit. If you wanna divide the queer community like this you are absolutely gatekeeping at best and straight up transphobic in all likelihood. I on the other hand will continue to love and support every single facet of the 2SLGBTQIA+ spectrum without calling something I don't experience or understand "attention seeking brats".

"Never faced real adversity" Jesus Christ fuck you. If being denied the opportunity to marry officially is adversity then being denied your EXISTENCE officially is also fucking adversity. This is textbook gate keeping and ladder pulling. You fought for gay/lesbian/bisexual rights and you got somewhere with it and now that transgender and genderqueer people who don't have their rights are asking for support you call them whiny piss babies.

I'm trying my absolute best to bee nice as per my instance, but no. From the bottom of my autistic, transgender, lesbian heart - fuck you.

And here's the kicker. I could not be more opposed to you right now. BUT I will still fight for you and accept you as part of the queer community.

Stop trying to hide behind your queerness or neurodivergence and take ownership of your bigotry and try to address it.

Do not bother replying to me, OP, ~~I will not read it.~~ But I hope you grow.

YDI

Okay I have to ask: if you don't know someone's gender, but you can't call them uh, they/them, then what in the fuck are you supposed to do exactly?

Like, I fully get doing it in person can be being a dick, but on the internet where you absolutely do not know unless someone tells you?

That's the dumbest thing I've heard today, and I was on reddit earlier.

YCLB

lmao owned

TL;DR: ~~BPR~~ CSPR (charged situation-provoked reaction). OP was gatekeeping a wee bit but this was definitively not worth a permaban, at most a "chill your head!" 1d ban. OP being queer and the issue happening outside Blåhaj are also relevant.

Sorry in advance for the WORDS, WORDS, WORDS.

Also, I'm not queer. Or an instance owner. I'm open to hear about things that I got wrong. I'm judging things here because it's how this comm works.

I don't disagree with the core of what you're saying, it's sensible stuff:

• it is completely fine to use they/them as a default; it is not misgendering
• some people overreact to what, contextually, clearly conveys "I don't know your gender"
• queers on the verge of being hunted is way, way more serious than pronouns

100% agree with the above. But even then, check your own comment:

This attitude drives me fucking nuts as a millennial who had to fight the real fights for LGBTQ acceptance only for the younger generation to get their panties in a twist for inadvertently being called by the “wrong” (gender neutral) pronoun.

Queers are on the verge of being hunted and exterminated in the US and y’all are pissy over being called a gender neutral pronoun by someone who doesn’t know you?

For fucks sake this is why the heteros hate us. Younger queers need faux outrage to feel important. Now the real threats are back on the horizon. Thanks to young out of touch activists caring more about pronouns than our physical safety and well-being.

You're arbitrarily drawing a line and saying "up to this point, it is not an important matter. Past that point, it is". Well... this is gatekeeping! Cat shit might not be as serious of a problem as elephant shit, but both are still shit, you know?

Then there's the matter of this happening outside Blåhaj. I get why the admins there ban people for activity outside their own instance: the instance is home to extremely marginalised groups, that requires getting rid of bad faith actors (haters, chasers...) even before they set their feet there.

So for example. Let's say that I (cis, hetero) said something that can be understood as bigotry. It would be only sensible if Blahaj banned me on the spot - better safe than sorry, right?

...however that clearly does not apply to you - even if not trans you're gender-diverse. (I always check profiles before judging people.) Blahaj is supposed to be inviting to people like you. It shifts the issue from "some cis hetero got banned by mistake" to "someone who should feel safe in that instance got banned by mistake". Plus what you're saying isn't even bigoted, it's simply gatekeeping.

Based on all of that I think that some intervention from the Blahaj admins would be sensible, even if this happened outside their "turf", but they went a bit too far. [/two cents]