Ask Lemmy

One I’ve heard: a guy was giving another guy some shit for drinking a “girly drink”, saying “real men don’t drink those”.

The guy instantly responded, “Real men drink whatever the fuck they want.”

"I fucked your mom"

Oh, so now you're disappointing other people's parents?

If it's someone random, and I haven't said anything to them at all, I'll usually put on a confused face and sign "What?" in ASL. Really takes the piss out of them. The hardest part is keeping a straight face when they try to repeat the insult but louder.

It's also my go-to power move when I'm in a long line or waiting room and someone tries to get chatty. Seriously, if you have the opportunity to take some ASL classes, you definitely should.

I love that this thread is slowly developing into a Monkey Island sword fighting training course.

I pull out the "I'm rubber, you're glue". Nobody expects it these days, either that or "Would Mister Rogers approve of your actions?" I've yet to meet someone who doesn't at least pause at that.

I can't pull it off, but "I'm thinking you weren't burdened with an over-abundance of schooling." From Firefly is killer

Your mother was a hamster, and your father smells of elderberries.

That's just like... Your opinion man

"Well, I guess you're no longer invited to my birthday party."

Said to a random person, it confuses the hell out of them.

"No u"

No one insults me, so these aren't field tested.

"Oh yeah? Well, the jerk store called and they're running out of you."

"I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!"

"Yeah, well, you know, that’s just, like, your opinion, man."

"What you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."

Ignoring them. Nothing grinds their gears more.

“Sorry, I’m not going to have a battle of wits with someone who is clearly unarmed.”

You are rubber, I am glue.

"I didn't realise the circus was in town!"

"Were your parents siblings, or was it just a lot of head trauma?"

"I'd tell you to read the room, but we both know reading isn't your strong suite."

"What other tricks can you do?"

How to deal with bullies is actually pretty good advice.

If someone calls you fat.

Ya I'm fat but I can lose weight. The hell are you going to do with that face.

"keep going with that, it's turning me on"

“Don’t get smart with me.”

“I’m beginning to doubt that’s even possible.”

Bonus points if you can say this to a cop.

In my southern portion of the US, I find it better to just let shit slide. Never know who is armed with two short cannons, a .38 snub, and the reason for their lifted truck that has never seen "off" roads.

"I've been called worse by better people".

The best response to every insult is "ok". Say that and walk away.

So?

Excuse me, did you mean to say that out loud?

and

Insecure much?

I think in general, sometimes a glittering beautiful so sharp it cuts to the bone comeback just comes to mind, and sometimes it doesn't, so it's good to remember that what people say, says more about them personally than the person they are talking about.

ignore entirely the context and the insult,"I need you to do two things: Shut up and go away."

Miss me with this pussy shit, bitches!

You need to punch up your comeback game? I gotchu!

Someone called you a motherfucker? "I found out yo momma so UGLEE her blowjobs count as anal. And she LOOOVES giving me "anal"."

Someone called you a rebel without a cause? "At least I'm not a faggot without a dick."

Some comebacks that work for almost anything:

Did you think of that YOURSELF, Einstein?
You're dumber than you look.
You're not the brightest bulb in the pack, are you?
You're not the sharpest knife in the drawer, are you?
Did your mommy tell you to say that?
Are you always an asshole or only on Fridays?
Are you sure you know what all those words mean?
I’ve been called worse by better.
You go out in public with that face?
Your village called – they want their idiot back.
You’ll never be the man your mom is.
Which circus did you escape from?
Which zoo did you escape from?
Which ape cage did you escape from?
Your ass must be pretty jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth.
Grab a straw, because you suck.
I don’t have the time or the crayons to explain.
If you were a spice, you’d be flour.
It’d be awesome if you used glue instead of Chapstick.

Sticks and stones can break my bones, But names can never hurt me.

If you want my cum back you'll have to scrape it off your mother's teeth - Jimmy Carr