USA is really quite safe, just remember to not be black or a woman

Oh and wear a ballistics vest if you're going anywhere near a school

Don't try to bring food. I've seen people stopped for smuggling meat. You're probably okay with packaged sweets or chocolate, but you should declare it.

Don't be fooled into thinking you can get tea if you see it offered. It may be some strange flavour, or very weak, or iced, or all three. And it will be hard to explain that you want milk and sugar with it.

Biscuits are good enough, but chocolate is rough.

And, of course, a "biscuit" will mean a type of savory scone.

If your shop, at most stores they will pack shopping bags for you and are a little shocked and overly grateful if you do it yourself.

Be prepared to tip in many circumstances (but not, oddly enough, for having your groceries packed).

Be prepared to be asked about football, the Beatles, the Queen, maybe even the King.

Don't be offended is someone attempts to do a British accent at you, it's meant as a friendly greeting.

If driving:

Four-way stops are like roundabouts without the roundabout. But with stop signs.

Pedestrians are not expected to look out for traffic, but are not allowed to just cross anywhere. So it balances out.

Someone has stolen the clutch pedals from all the cars.

Be sure to tell them their life would've been much better today if they remained a colony

Bring a printed copy of your ESTA / visa for immigration. Get some kind of travel insurance that covers health emergencies, and have proof of that printed as well.

Where in the USA are you going. Saying you're going to the USA is like saying you're going to europe. There's a vast difference between the different states and regions within those states.

Remember not to be black.

They're driving on the right side.

My condolences

Don't forget your gun. America is extremely dangerous but only if you're unarmed. All the criminals and cops can smell if you have a gun and they'll be too afraid to do anything to you if you have one.

Also you can't trust our water, so it's purely Soda and Budweiser while you're here. Locals might tell you to eat at local restaurants but their stomachs are habituated. You'll need to stick to McDonald's. Luckily there is one on every single corner.

If you get injured you should avoid using an ambulance as they will take you directly to a hospital. In the US that's just where we go to die. You need to drive yourself to an Urgent Care doctor. If you can't drive yourself and have to use an ambulance then there is a complimentary memorial wreath that can be sent to your family. Along with the invoice for your death care of course.

The US is smaller than it appears on maps. This is because most maps are not American centric and have to expand the US to show the ratio properly. You might have budgeted multiple days to travel between the coasts but you really can just do New York one day and the Grand Canyon the next day.

Did I miss anything? Oh yeah it's traditional to make a bomb joke with the customs agent as you come into the country. Especially if you can manage a middle eastern accent. All of us do it. It's a grand joke.

Good luck not getting shot mate.

I recommend travel health insurance. It's affordable and a good piece of mind considering their healthcare can be extremely expensive.

The Queen is still alive and we have her. Just don't tell anyone, okay?

There really is no such thing as 'The USA.'

I live in New York City and what's cool here will get you arrested in other places.

Some towns are fine with you having a rifle on open display. Some towns are fine with you smoking pot on the street.

If you want to avoid getting shot, you should now wear a red hat, not a red coat.

Never take the ambulance. They will suck your money and your soul.

Bring your own marmite.

when you stub your toe you get heroin

Don't take your real phone with you. Just get a cheap burner phone that you can reset after customs went through it.

Buy a gun on day one. Just go to almost any gun show and bam, no paperwork. You'll need a gun because there is this nationwide gang, they are crazy organized, drive the same cars, all rep the color blue and collectively hate immigrants, not you, the poor ones. Anyway I believe they go by "police officer" or "cops" i prefer little piggy but that dont, steer clear at all costs, but if you have to, take out your ghetto blaster and pump em full of lead.

You'll die a hero and recognized for decades to come, or the cops will bury you in a shallow grave somewhere in Mississippi and act like you were kidnapped, no in between, good luck soilder

It would appear i upset some of you with my totally serious comment, have you considered buying a gun and coming after me? That's your right when in murica