All posts need to have the same title: me_irl it is allowed to use an emoji instead of the underscore _
Or realizing it too late like I did.
Hug yer mom.
I was strern the last time she saw me. I was concerned. I knew alcohol had gotten her there. I didn't know how everything would go, but I tried to display confidence. I'm sure she understood.
But still. I wish I'd been able to make her last moments happier. It wasn't my responsibility, and I don't fault myself for it. But I know how scared she must have been, inside, and I wish I could've helped.
I’m inferring/projecting a lot, but, my mom was an alcoholic that committed suicide, I don’t know many people that relate to that, but it sounds like you might. Your comment really hits home. Just wanted to say, I relate. You’re not alone.
I've done something absurdly mean to my mom as a joke when I was a teenager and she probably cried about it afterwards (I basically mocked her for not having finished school). Took me years to realize how mean it was. But it's probably for the best that I didn't realize it, as my childhood trauma was about making her cry by mentioning my dead sister.
Friggen oof
Not when your mom deserves it.
And don't tell me that just by the virtues of being a mom she's somehow infallible.
She literally didn't even give birth to me, technically.
I'm with you on not excusing a person just because they're your family.
I just want to know, "technically?"
Well I never travel through her birthing canal.
Caesarean, like with all my (3) siblings.
So she bore me, but didn't technically birth me. But thats semantics and I don't want to offend women who've had a caesarean as if there was somehow a meaningful difference.
I'm saying there's a symbolic one, in this context.
My mom would always rag on my sister because she was born vaginally, but had to give birth to her own child by c-section due to breach position. I understand first-hand that mothers are not intrinsically good for their children, but the circumstances of the birth process that are out of their hands isn't really one of the things to judge them on.
Well you'll be happy to know that isn't one the things I judge her for.
I've no need to.
As I said, it's just symbolic of how disconnected she is in my life anyway. I understand there is no meaningful difference and would disencourage anyone from attributing any to it.
I haven't lived with her since I was 15.
Okay I get the symbolism, you're like MacDuff. "From my mother's womb untimely ripp'd."
And she's not off the hook for being an asshole.
But even an uncomplicated C-section is major abdominal surgery and much more difficult to heal from than an uncomplicated vaginal birth.
And it's often done as a response to a vaginal birth that's going terribly wrong, in which case there can be scarring from that trauma as well.
So it's not like it "doesn't count." There's a certain amount of C-section birth shaming out there, not that you're part of that.
It's easier on the baby, so that's one time you won out.
Okay I get the symbolism, you're like MacDuff.
No.. that's not it.
It's more the "minimum effort" sort of thing my mom has going on. See before "I left at 15". edit Sorry the "before" is in another thread
I don't think it was elective, no, it was because me and my brothers werr were all super large and wouldn't really have fit. Too much for her to handle? That's why I had to be own my own? That sort of thing more than anything "untimely ripped".
But see the thing is my mom's attitude reflects the attitude of the society, so it's more like they looked at the ultras and went "oh, that's gonna be too hard".
And that's something I've kept hearing all my life. People not wanting to do something because it has the possibility of going wrong. Everything does. That doesn't mean you shouldn't try. Even when the odds are super low.
I'm not shaming my mom for the C-sections. I am shaming her, but not for THAT.
Yeah I've seen what the baby's skull goes through in birth, I don't feel like I've missed out. Although there are also studies as to the reactions of the immune system to the birthing canal. But there's studies into everything. Like I said, there's no meaningful difference. It's not as if I go around thinking people are "smushbrains" because they were born "naturally", nor do I ever shame anyone FOR having a c-section. I might shame people who have had them, but not FOR having had them.
I've had major abdominal surgery two times and it's no joke. And mine wasn't like a thing that wished to come out. I spent almost a week in the ICU.
Same. Sometimes mothers have issues that make them unworthy of the title and all you can do is distance yourself from them when you get the chance.
I learned the hard way, like you, that blood relatives do not automatically get a free pass. In fact, I’d say that blood relatives need to be held to higher standards.
My mom was complicit; she witnessed some of the physical abuses my brother put me through, and she and my dad chalked it up to “boys will be boys”.
I will breathe a little easier the day she moves on from this world.
When I still worked in the corrections system there was an incident where several of the female inmates jumped another woman because, during a conversation, she called her mother an evil cunt, and said death was to good for her. Turns out, her mom sold her for sex since she was a toddler, and these other women badly beat her, without ever even wondering why someone would say that about their mother.
Okay yeah, wow, that's shocking.
Just to be clear, my mom's not on that level and doesn't deserve to die, nor is she an evil cunt (I'd say closer to an uncaring [insert-unflattering-comparison-of-your-choice-that-isn't-toooffensive]), but I won't be praising her for much either.
Oh, I didn't assume your mom was like that. There is fffaaaarrrr less vile shit that would qualify for no contact. When you are in the corrections system, you just begin to see more common terrible things as "normal", and only the really, truly, fucked up shit stands out. So this is the story I remember, because it was so fucked every jaded, dead inside, asshole, working at the jail was talking about it.
I wonder if it's a prison thing. Like, perhaps lots of offenders, or at least a portion of them, are moms which may have done quite violent things to protect their children. So then it's become like a prison rule that "you don't criticise moms", and prison rules are obeyed no matter what.
Like say there are cases of people actually being tried for CSAM for having naked selfies of themselves on their phone when they were underage. It's not too common, and that would be the far end. But then like small transgressions of like 15years with 17-18 year old men. That guy gets charged for sexually assaulting a minor and goes to prison for it and you know they're not gonna listen to reason about it being "an exaggeration", he's just treated as bad as any pedo might. Well I may be putting it a bit black and white, but I'm sure you understand what I'm getting at.
Mom's in general are a rather terrifying force. Usually for good. But I'd hate to be on the bad side of that when it turns bad.
Like this is what the good side looks like, imo. (Say what you will about the franchise, I've still emotional connetion to it before the author went completely mask-off cuckoo.)
Not my daughter you BITCH! - HD
I genuinely can't watch that without tearing up a bit. Even just now when I just watched the clip, lol.
There's also a quote from a Doctor Who Christmas Special, where a mom from the 1940's goes through a portal to a scifi world in the future where there's industrial workers, who stop her at gunpoint. She turns the tables on them, despite there being three industrial workers with guns all of them, she gets the drop on them by disarming them by crying. The woman worker demands they drop their guns. Then she pulls out a pistol, "it's wartime England", and drops the act. Bill Bailey's character says to her "There's nothing you could say to convince me you'd ever use that gun." And her reply is just: "Oh really? Well, I'm looking for my children."
The reasons are individual and vary greatly. A lot of them were actually badly abused by their mothers. Their mother has narcissism, or some other personality disorder, and they were raised in an environment that, though they were abused, they internalized it, and believed their mother when she said it was their fault. So they, very deeply, want nothing more than the approval of their mother/family in general. Even when they consciously know this is the reality of their situation it still doesn't change their desires, and they develop defensive tendencies towards their abuser. In more recent times the demographics of correctional facilities have been changing. White women, who are from much more wealthy, than normal, backgrounds, are the fastest growing demographic in the US penal system. The vast majority of their convictions are possession, or crimes surrounding drug use. Possession, prostitution, theft, and fraud are the big ones. A good number of these women actually had good parents, and home lives. Their reasons for falling into the desperation that leads to drug use are more external, and systemic, than what was most common in times past.
Point being, there is no one factor that holds the most weight for this type of thinking. I could be here for hours discussing demographics, programs, approaches, outcomes, recidivism rates, etc. as my primary job was data analysis for what was called the offender management system (OMS). I don't have it in me right now.
We might be the same person. If I had met my mom under any other circumstance, we would but be friends. Now that she's gone full MAGA, defending Nazis, we are no longer friends.
Mom's a MAGA, fuck that dumb bitch.
Your family should mean more to you than politics.
There's general politics like "where should we spend this money and what should be laws", and then there's the radical politics of treason and loss of humanity. If she is a republican, you can work around that. If she's MAGA, you have to draw the line at violating human rights.
How would you define MAGA? How do you know if someone is MAGA?
Does the person loyally follow Trump even through his worst shit? A Republican will at least question everything and have a voice. A MAGA will excuse everything.
Seems reasonable
I can't even tell my mom what's going on in my life because every time a conversation gets "too political," she shuts it down, or if she can't do that, she leaves.
I would love to keep her in the loop, but when almost every aspect of my life exists as it does because of political forces, that doesn't leave much I can say to her. If she loves me enough to want me in her life, she can suck up her political apathy and listen. But she won't, and you know what they say - you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.
Yeah it's on her too, but I think if your life hinges too much on political outcomes, then you are going to lead a very unhappy life. I prefer to keep my happiness in my own hands as much as possible.
Yeah, like have they even tried not being a person with atttributed vilfiied by the right?!?!1?2!
You sound like the kind of person who would blame 80's gay men for getting aids.
MAGAs are awful people, their defenders are no better.
I think it's more important to get along with the people I talk to and interact with every day, than to go to bat for my political team. You should too.
Tell that to my folks who constantly cheerlead for Trump
Yeah they need to hear it too. Which political party is vote for is pretty far down the list of how i see myself. It's not important to my identity.
If a good portion of your politics is centered around who you vote for then you're probably reasonably represented by some of the powers that be. Speaking for myself a lot of familial political friction comes from how far outside electoralism my needs are.
There will always be people on the fringes of political representation, regardless of what politics and policy looks like at that time and in that place. Sacrificing personal relationships is a huge personal sacrifice for a team who claims to better represent your interests, particularly when that might not even be true. Politicians think nothing of using your own anger to gather power for themselves. Your discontent and misery is a tool for them. I'm not saying you shouldn't be involved, but be careful how far you are willing to go because it will ultimately make you less happy to pursue things that are largely outside your control, especially if that also includes huge sacrifices.
You can be political/militant without carrying water for any seated party.
You sound like a white straight man with financial means. I can sense me own.
The difference between you and I is that I give a shit, strongly so about people outside of my narrow socioeconomic window and would never claim someone's lived experience is because they are doing it wrong.
I agree, you know where is the only place I see political shit all over again? Lemmy and Reddit lol. (In non political communities ofc).
Oh, and US politics ofc.
No. "Blood is thicker than water" is utter BS.
Yeah it's not really true anymore, at least in developed countries, but it should be true. People would be a whole lot happier if they got along with and trusted their family.
the way i see it, nobody in the world really gives a damn about you apart from your family in usual scenarios
Politics is all about life and how people are allowed to live it though...
I got my lazy ass out of the house on a Sunday to see my mom, I feel good 👍
I got a story published in Reader's Digest when I was in high school and when I showed my mom the letter I got from them, she said "who the fuck would ever publish anything by you?" And then I never wrote again.
This is so sad, I'm sorry. Sending you virtual hugs.
When I was like 15 I sent my mom a text message complaining about her that was meant to go to my best friend. She never said anything and I think about it and feel sad every so often. I've never brought it up either though...
We have a good relationship, I was just being a little snotty teenager but I'm sure it hurt her feelings :(
Pro tip: talk to her about it. Tell her these feelings you're feeling
As someone who lost their mom unexpectedly last year, don't put this off. Even if it was long ago, casually bring it up and clear the air. After she's gone you'll never have a chance to get that resolved again.
Its true, but it also didn't come out of nothing
Ivan Cankar trenutek.
I did this about 5 years ago. It was like all of my stupid childhood frustrations came out. But it was too much. I made my mam cry. But in the end I think this was for the best. Neither of us have clashed since that day. It's like we both found an understanding from each other and know that in those heated moments we never meant what we said. We're the closest we've ever been nowadays. But thinking about the moments afterwards, consoling my mam to ensure her that she wasn't in fact an awful mother, still makes me feel really bad inside. Even though it made way to a better relationship after it was all done.
My mom hit me in the face last time I was mean to her.
