Parenting

CrashCourse on Youtube did a great series on Sex Ex.

As others have advised, watch the videos by yourself first so you know what to expect and can explain anything.

Also, go ahead and accept this is an awkward topic for everyone involved and the goal is to make it less awkward and more informative.

Good luck!

My son is 12 and currently isn't even allowed the TV remote on his own, because he downloads Spotify and looks up porn on it. As soon as he has opportunity (including when using my phone to text, or the computer for homework) he looks up porn.

While my son has a step dad, I've really been the one to talk to him about this. The first time, and second time, I caught him looking up porn in my house, on my devices, I reached him with compassion. Explained how porn is for adults, that it comes with dangers, how it can lead to addiction, or can affect a persons expectations for sex. You don't want to shame a curious kid, because it's okay to be curious, but it's also important to be safe.

By the 8th time, I've truly lost my patience however, and now he's just not even allowed the tv remote without supervision. It sucks. This last time around, I reiterated, this is our boundary. Outside of him being too young, whether he's 12 or 52, please do not look up naughty pictures while in your mothers house. He understands boundaries, and what it means to "push" ones boundaries. I hope using this language helped him understand. I've asked that if he has to take care of himself, it's okay, just do it in the shower. I've also slowly these last few years, been teaching him to be responsible for his own laundry, and now he's just sbout there, Because yeah.

It's tough, you're right, I think it might be better coming from a fellow man, and my husband has been in some of the conversations, but no matter who leads the char, it's uncomfortable for the kid to talk about, at least for my son.

I tried doing books but my son doesn't want to look at them, and he shuts down if my language gets too specific. Noting here, my son has adhd and ODD, with a side of mild conduct disorder, so he's not an entry level kid. We repeat ourselves a lot, eventually he gets whatever lesson, but it takes a long time with him.

I just make sure he knows it's okay to be curious, however I've leaned into letting him know, it's basically illegal for minors to be looking at this stuff. Kids can get groomed, they can pass pictures of themselves, which as a minor is highly illegal. He can get us, his parents, introuble. He still wants to follow societal rules and laws, so hopefully he gets it soon. I don't know how to breech testing out responsibility with the tv remote. The boy is an opportunist, thats clear.

I've also in conversation, touched on STDs, and different forms of birth control, and definitely made him uncomfortable when I gave him the details of how babies are made, but if you are old enough to seek porn, you're old enough to know. One time he searched "tits" so I explained how my boobs nursed him as a baby, mammory glands produce milk.

It's also important to go over consent. It's okay to explore our own bodies, but as a minor, it's not okay for anyone else to touch you, is what I've said. No one touches you, and you don't touch anyone else, as minors cannot ever give consent. A message taught years ago, but frequently revisited during these talks. As he ages, we'll revisit consent in more context, probably multiple times more (with all topics in sex) and again, trying to be age appropriate with my language.

When I have my period, I've already explained what it is, and will tell him (because it wipes my energy, and I want him to understand women too). I've explained a bit about the differences of hormones, and what they do, and how they can affect our moods/body/energy/tolerance. There are differences between men and women, but also similarities in puberty.

For us, it's not one big talk and then you're done, it's many small talks over years. Becoming slightly more detailed as his maturity reaches those points.

I got lucky, he said to me one day, "mom am I old enough to date?" I said, "well, I don't think so, you are young and have many years for that, best to focus on your schooling and learning who you are first". He said, "yeah thats what (the worker) said at my group too", and he accepted that he is too young. My son, I think, generally trusts me, and this helps too.

We're struggling with this opportunist approach to porn he has, so while he is in a day program for teens, I'm currently looking specifically for a male individual therapist to maybe help him feel more comfortable. It's tough, truly. Middle school is so hard for these kids.

It's not easy for me to talk about either, but it is important. His bio fsther had what do you call it, sexual delinquency? He was, uh, well my son is a product of a DV relationship too, I was raped, my kid is the product of rape. My goal is to give him as much information as possible, so that he doesn't repeat the patterns of his bio father (who thankfully he doesn't know and never sees). It's really freaking hard, but so incredibly important to me to raise a boy who respects not only just women, but all living beings, including himself.

What I wish was more clear to me is how the hormones would have control over me. I wish I learned to control acne through diet, and testosterone through exercise. Those years of my life were challenging because it felt like my body was controlling me, not the other way around. It’s hard to focus on school when the mind always drifts back to sex.

By the way there’s no hair on a human that requires shaving.

There’s a series of books by Robie H. Harris that explain biology and sexuality for kids in very frank, plain language. They’re excellent especially because it doesn’t sugar-coat things or use euphemisms.

For his age the title is It’s Perfectly Normal (Wikipedia).

It talks about AIDS, abortion, homosexuality and, I think, even anal sex in a way that is plain and factual. Read it by yourself, first, so you’re prepared for what’s inside.

I highly recommend that you read it together. It might be awkward but it’s good to demystify and de-stigmatize these subjects. It may help him be willing to talk to you about these issues as they come up.

Well I think it’s gonna be awkward no matter what, but you’ll have to push through regardless. (If you approach with love, you’ll do fine). Probably a good time to discuss what’s also happening to girls and begin the rolling conversation about developing healthy and consensual relationships with love interests.

And deodorant. Just because he can’t smell it or doesn’t mind, everyone else can. Teens are stinky! Good luck!

Might also x-post to [email protected] if you don't get responses here.

Does the school do a sex ed course for him? Between that and Internet access he should be able to figure out the basics if you really don't want to broach the subject with him.