Comic Strips

But that means less piss potions!

Risky play for someone said to be able to walk on water.

It's probably even better for your gut microbiome than Tom Brady's!

Jesus on the cross does look a lot like a scarecrow…

I resent that remark

*everywhere within 32 tiles of a table

"Yo Lance, you really get to the point."

It's actually worse. The name couldn't be from the 1st century CE because otherwise it would be Lonchinus [lɔn'ki:nʊs]; back then Greek still kept ⟨χ⟩ as [kʰ] (as in "kit"), this would only change around the 4th century or so.

Plus whoever coined that name wasn't fully proficient in Greek, otherwise they wouldn't plop a Latin -īnus into it, they'd go with ⟨λογχίτης⟩ lonkhítēs "spear-bearer, the spear guy" → Lonchites instead.

...the English pronunciation stands out as being weirder than everything above. Also, obligatory:

A spear of Longinus a day keeps the Tang sea away~

nickname for Roman soldiers was “Miles” from Latin mille for “thousand” – legionaries walked everywhere giving us the unit of measure, a Roman mile = mille passus (thousand paces)

But what about Incontinentia Buttocks?

Maybe he was killed because an acorn dropped on some chariot. You never know.

Perhaps that was the historical perspective, but that doesn't include Jesus definitely performing miracles either. In the perspective where he does do miracles, a.k.a. the Bible, at least according to Christianity.com (which sources itself inline to the bible) a ton of priests and people were angered by Jesus's claim of being the messiah and son of God. They then invented a bunch of insurrection charges and took to the local governor, who initially refused but went through when they basically threatened to get him fired by questioning his loyalty.

So, I guess I stand corrected that it was not the Romans but the existing religion.

Or he was crucified because he was gay (kisses the guy he put in charge of the group's money around that time, had a beloved disciple reclining on him when feeding same disciple he kisses dipped bread at his last meal before being turned in). That was a capital charge under Jewish law.

In fact, it's extremely sus that Peter is alleged in his own tradition to deny Jesus three times right around the time Jesus is going through ~3 trials, at least one of which Peter is acknowledged as going back to the guarded area where the trial was taking place to deny him in.

He could have also been killed for promoting atheist ideas at the time, given the earliest Christian 'heresy' was Simon Magus who after leaving the early church is talking about an "indivisible point" and later heretics and apocrypha have Jesus seeming to be quoting Lucretius's naturalism and atomism. This is the same century Rabbi Elazar allegedly said "why do we study the Torah? To know how to answer the Epicurean." So Jesus promoting Epicurean ideas might not have gone over very well (and might explain why Paul was so adamant Corinth ignore "other versions of Jesus" that they accepted saying things like "everything is permissible" or denying physical resurrection - very Epicurean statements).

Or it could have been the official story, though personally I don't really buy it. If he was a threat to Rome it's bizarre he gets such different treatment from the several other messianic upstarts in Josephus who are killed immediately without trial by Roman forces with their followers included. And why would the Sanhedrin be peeved about messianic claims when the other examples of messianic claimants were solely depicted as opposed by Rome?

But possibly gay Jesus teaching evolution and atomism while criticizing dynastic monarchy? Yeah, I can see that dude ending up dead pretty fast in that time and place by Sanhedrin demand and Roman hands.