SayJess

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.blahaj.zone/post/25065914

I'll never be more than a fetish to people

Mods, please lmk if this post is not appropriate for this community

My dream is to have someone—anyone—see me as more than just a friend. To have someone who wants me, in more than just a sexual way. That dream haunts me.

The only attention I receive is from Grindr. I see my worth as how much I can starve myself to stay thin. I figure at least if I’m petite, pervs online will want to use me as part of their fetish. I oblige them because they desire me in those fleeting moments. After they get what they want, they never contact me again. That is my value as a person.

I’m so insecure, so unconfident. I see people like my best friend, who can get any guy she wants without even trying, and I have only envy and resentment. What’s worse, I think I have feelings for her, unrequited love that will only serve to hurt more as she explores her new life as a single woman. I don’t think even she sees me as a woman, but as a feminine man who lies to himself in the mirror each day. A pretender.

I don’t even try anymore. What’s the fucking point?

Clearly I’m not in a good place mentally/emotionally. I’m tired of therapy; it has not helped me. I feel like a failure in almost all aspects of my life. I can’t even get high anymore, so now on particularly bad days I drink instead. Today I’m getting drunk. I don’t care to tell anyone IRL how I really feel these days. It’s just a waste of breath on my part, and a waste of time on their’s. No one I care about wants to hear about my problems, feelings and fears anymore. It’s best to accept this bitter reality—better to be the funny person than to share my internal struggles and profound sadness.

I’ve got my son, and he is going to venture out into the world on his own in a matter of a few years. Then I will truly feel alone. His love is what keeps me on this earth, nothing else.

Mods, please lmk if this post is not appropriate for this community

My dream is to have someone—anyone—see me as more than just a friend. To have someone who wants me, in more than just a sexual way. That dream haunts me.

The only attention I receive is from Grindr. I see my worth as how much I can starve myself to stay thin. I figure at least if I’m petite, pervs online will want to use me as part of their fetish. I oblige them because they desire me in those fleeting moments. After they get what they want, they never contact me again. That is my value as a person.

I’m so insecure, so unconfident. I see people like my best friend, who can get any guy she wants without even trying, and I have only envy and resentment. What’s worse, I think I have feelings for her, unrequited love that will only serve to hurt more as she explores her new life as a single woman. I don’t think even she sees me as a woman, but as a feminine man who lies to himself in the mirror each day. A pretender.

I don’t even try anymore. What’s the fucking point?

Clearly I’m not in a good place mentally/emotionally. I’m tired of therapy; it has not helped me. I feel like a failure in almost all aspects of my life. I can’t even get high anymore, so now on particularly bad days I drink instead. Today I’m getting drunk. I don’t care to tell anyone IRL how I really feel these days. It’s just a waste of breath on my part, and a waste of time on their’s. No one I care about wants to hear about my problems, feelings and fears anymore. It’s best to accept this bitter reality—better to be the funny person than to share my internal struggles and profound sadness.

I’ve got my son, and he is going to venture out into the world on his own in a matter of a few years. Then I will truly feel alone. His love is what keeps me on this earth, nothing else.

Edit:

I told my best friend how shitty I’m feeling over text, she said she’d call me. She didn’t. I waited all day for her call. I’m always there for her, but when I really needed her today, she was nowhere to be found. That really hurt. Like really bad.

This is messy, contradicting, and wrong.

My best friend, who I will call Grace, is an amazing woman. She is caring, fiercely independent, and protective of those she loves. Breathtakingly beautiful, both inside and out. We all have our flaws, and I know hers and accept them as they are. We’ve been like sisters for 5 years now. Grace is a cis woman, and I am a trans woman.

She is in the process of leaving her husband of 20 years, which has been a long time coming. He’s a good man, but a shit husband to her. I’ve been there for her throughout this entire difficult period of her life. Nobody knows her like I do.

I date men exclusively, as does she. Women just don’t have the right…equipment for me. I do like and prefer only the male anatomy, or so I thought. But she is something special. All that said, I think I might be falling in love with her.

Grace is in such a vulnerable place right now. She just wants to be happy. I just want to see her smile, hear her goofy laugh. We have some of the best times together. We laugh and cry together. She’s been there for me in my darkest times, and I hers. We tell each other that we love each other, though for her I’m sure it is platonic. I don’t want to ruin any of this by telling her “I think I love you”.

I don’t think that I would be “enough” for her. I just don’t think she sees me that way. I live an hour away from her. I visit her as often as I can, which is usually on the weekends. We talk on the phone often, especially now with her going through the beginning stages of a divorce. Besides my son (who is my number 1), she is the person I care about most in this life. We send each other IG reels about how much we care about each other, as best friends. She told me she cried yesterday when I sent her a couple of pick me ups.

I’d be anything or anyone I needed to be to be with her. I’m not sure that we are sexually compatible, but that doesn’t matter so much to me, as I have almost no libido. Yes she is stunning, a 10/10 on any metric, but that’s not why I love her. I love her smile. I love her ability to turn anything into a positive and to encourage those around her to do the same. I could go on and on about the things about her that make me smile.

I’ve thought about it, and I think I would even de-transition if that’s what it would take for her to be with me. This is not something I take lightly, as transitioning was the hardest and toughest thing I’ve ever done. But if I did de-transition, I’d be afraid that she would think that this was all a lie just to get with her. I’m deathly afraid of losing her as my best friend, so I say nothing.

There was one time, maybe a year or so ago, when I was plastered, that I told her brother that I thought I loved her. He told me to stop talking, so I did. I pulled him aside a week or so later and did my best to convince him that I was just confused and that I didn’t actually like her like that. But I don’t think I am confused anymore. I feel like I see clearly, and it is tearing me apart. I’m fine loving from afar, as just having her in my life is enough for me. I tell her I gave up on dating, but that’s not the whole truth. I gave up on dating because there is no one else I can see myself with but her. All I want is for her to say “I think I love you too”. But I don’t think she does.

I really wish I didn’t love her like that. It would be so much easier to hear about the attention she receives from guys at the gym or socially. But I am happy to carry on as her best friend, if that means I have her in my life.

I don’t know what to do. I mean, I think I do know what to do: remain her closest confidant and be happy for that.

I don’t know why I’m posting this. I guess I just need someone, somewhere to know this. This one sided love is enough for me I guess.

Help

ETA: I can’t help but feel like I am betraying her by feeling the way I do. I feel like a liar.

ETA, Again: Just to be clear, I would never take advantage of her current situation in an attempt to get with her. That would be gross and creepy. I have too much respect for her to even entertain the idea. She is my best friend, after all. Even though I feel the way I do, I would never do such a sleazy thing.

Thank you all for your thoughtful, and at times, blunt responses. They have helped me confirm that confessing is not the way.

Please keep them coming, I appreciate the perspective.

Honestly, I think just typing this out to internet strangers has been cathartic, as I don’t have anyone in my life to share this with that would not get around back to her. Sharing this deeply personal situation I am in has helped me think about it in ways that I really had not thought of before.

I like making music on my iPhone with GarageBand. Working within the limits makes for some interesting results. Obviously mastering is a bit difficult, but I got my music to where I enjoy it, and I hope others will too.

I’m on Apple Music with my first release. I’m just waiting for the other streaming platforms to release it as well.

I’d love feedback/criticism! I suppose my “schtick” is that I make mobile music, so bear that in mind.

Eventually I’ll learn how to use software on my Mac to produce, but for now am content with the setup I use.

I hope this is OK to post here.

[email protected] removed my post, without any sort of notification, which is lame and annoying.

Here is the original text, copied verbatim:

Something is going on with Samsung TV's voice assistant

My TV has suddenly started to interpret voice commands as if I was speaking Russian. Users on Samsungs community forum are reporting the same issue. There are users on Reddit who are also reporting the same issue.

A quick google search shows that this is worldwide, and that it started somewhere between 3-5 days ago.

What the hell is going on, Samsung?

(I am not seeking tech support or advice, just raising awareness to what is hopefully a benign problem.)

I’m off until at least 5 Feb due to a boxers fracture. I’m getting sick of TV and movies. Today I’ll clean my apartment, but even with my busted hand it will only take a couple of hours. I can’t really go anywhere as I need to save as much money as I can to cover for missed time at work.

Here’s what I’ve tried so far:

• Solve Rubik’s cubes
• Work on music production
• Sleep

Thing I probably should do:

• Continue to learn Swift
• Follow makeup tutorials

Lemmy, what would you do?

EDIT: Keep ‘em coming Lemmsters! I LOVE the suggestions, and can’t wait to give some of these a go!

THE best K-Ci & JoJo song there is! This is one of my go-to songs when we sing karaoke.

There is another post for this song, however it is the remix. I prefer the original, so here it is 🙂

Looking through the history looks a bit suspicious. Even if the questionable bids were removed, it’s still likely to be 100k+ for the username!

Edit: Closer to $15k right now lol.

The metal is smooth, but not shiny. It is super bendable. As soon as I realized what it was, I stopped handling it and washed my hands.

Lead is heavy, but seems such an odd choice for a weight in a consumer device. It must have been cheaper or even free.