Well I think I might be autistic, I've wondered why I feel so different from other people, why it feels like I am taking my entire life, why when I lose focus, or am not being focused on i become completely silent and struggle to make even simple comments, and why I have had to watch and learn from others to become remotely social. I guess those are all signs of autism. I took that RAADS-R test and got a score of 141, which is slightly above the mean for autistics, I also took a few other of those quizzes.
But my question is what happens now? What do I do? I don't feel comfortable asking my parents if I can get examined, I can't really afford to do it myself, but I guess I could try. I don't want to just start saying that I'm autistic, and have to mention that it's self diagnosed because I think we all know the stigma around that.
Heck I'm still in the stage (or I assume it's a stage because it matches that one post here where they talked about their stages of realizing they have autism, and I related completely to it) where I'm not sure if I am not just faking this whole thing. So what do I do now?
It went from me wondering why I could never seem to be or stay social. I consider myself funny and people tell me that, so why do I struggle around people then? Why can't I make really social connection that aren't just surface level. And why can't I seem to change the way I live? I seem to do be unable to work on things I need to do because I have to stick to this rigid schedule.
Then nothing happened for a couple months, I just figured that I was anti social and moved on, but not really.
Then I was walking back to my car from work, and I was thinking about all this stuff, and wondering why I never like going places, and why I can't stand parties, and why when I come back from work I hide away from my family. And why can't i make eye contact??? I just kinda went, "Ha ha I wonder if I have autism lol"
One month later, I read a little about autism, and it really just fell into place. Oh I can't make eye contact because autism, I struggle with social situations because of autism, I can't say goodbye properly because of autism, YOU MEAN WHEN I THOUGH THAT I WAS JUST BECOMING MORE SOCIAL, WHEN I WAS ACTIVELY FREAKING WATCHING OTHER PEOPLE, CONSCIOUSLY WATCHING MY BODY POSTURE, CONSCIOUSLY LISTENING TO HOW OTHER PEOPLE TALK, (and on and on) THAT THERE WAS A FREAKING WORD FOR THAT??? I WAS MASKING???
Anyways haven't been tested yet but honestly it's so I can't be as doubtful of myself. I swear I'll struggle through a social situation and come home and go "hmmmm I'm not doing anything autistic rn that must mean I don't have autism and am just faking it". He says while sitting in a room by himself, stimming by spinning a phone in his hand, following his usual schedule, with low light.
Anyways sorry for the long post, but I guess that's expected.
TL:DR
I joked about me having autism and turns out I do.