this post was submitted on 24 Dec 2024
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Greentext

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This is a place to share greentexts and witness the confounding life of Anon. If you're new to the Greentext community, think of it as a sort of zoo with Anon as the main attraction.

Be warned:

If you find yourself getting angry (or god forbid, agreeing) with something Anon has said, you might be doing it wrong.

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[–] Joejoebinkz1@sh.itjust.works 153 points 3 months ago (2 children)
[–] kautau@lemmy.world 97 points 3 months ago (1 children)

I love how Aubrey breaks before Chris says anything past his first line

[–] Empricorn@feddit.nl 24 points 3 months ago (1 children)

It's that delay, he held the next line back. Such great comedic timing!

[–] Flocklesscrow@lemm.ee 28 points 3 months ago (1 children)

This was when Chris Pratt was at his peak.

[–] Rai@lemmy.dbzer0.com 16 points 3 months ago (1 children)

He sucks now. He was AMAZING in Parks and Rec.

[–] Flocklesscrow@lemm.ee 22 points 3 months ago (3 children)

Bumbling buffoonery is his niche. He's not a leading man, action hero, regardless of how many roles they shoehorn him into.

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[–] cRazi_man@lemm.ee 20 points 3 months ago

Parks and Rec is such a great show.

[–] Jake_Farm@sopuli.xyz 104 points 3 months ago (8 children)
[–] quixotic120@lemmy.world 76 points 3 months ago (3 children)

I gave up on reddit years ago but whenever someone posts about bidets it reminds me of my favorite reddit exchange

Someone posted asking why americans don’t use bidets. I commented, saying “am american, use bidet. Love it, shits tight”

Eventually a reply came from a confused esl person asking me if I had a constipation problem because they didn’t understand the colloquialism “shits tight”

I think about that exchange more often than I should

[–] Jake_Farm@sopuli.xyz 17 points 3 months ago (1 children)

I mean a bidet would help with tight shit as well.

[–] reev@sh.itjust.works 48 points 3 months ago (2 children)

A bidet is a miracle device, helps in any and all situations. Diarrhea? Solved. Constipation? Solved. Regular? Surprisingly, solved. Wanna do the front too? Can be a bit awkward but it's got you covered (in water, of course). Washing the throne? Solved. Basic calculus? Solved. Advanced calculus? Believe it or not, solved. Taxes? Avoided. Marriage counseling? Ever since I got my bidet my wife says my "stench is less appalling". Solved, baby. I even use it to water the garden and defend my house from intruders.

Cannot recommend enough.

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[–] python@programming.dev 70 points 3 months ago (3 children)

Anon needs to eat more fiber

[–] schnokobaer@feddit.org 43 points 3 months ago (2 children)

Funny how there's always a completely moot discussion about wiping techniques or bidets when the real issue with people having to wipe 20 times is almost always diet.

If you think that's bullshit go ahead and buy a small (for testing) pack of psyllium husk, consume two table spoons a day (in water or on top of a meal) and witness yourself becoming One-Sheet-Shane on the throne in 3 days.

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[–] Kraiden@kbin.earth 22 points 3 months ago (1 children)
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[–] dohpaz42@lemmy.world 16 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Honestly, being constipated has always been good for not having a messy ass. It’s being regular or having diarrhea that is messy.

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[–] rambling_lunatic@sh.itjust.works 65 points 3 months ago (2 children)

Eventually there is blood but no shit.

Better red than bidet!

[–] underwire212@lemm.ee 23 points 3 months ago

It’s the only way I can finger myself without it being gay

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[–] SuspiciousUser@lemmy.ml 52 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (6 children)

Obligatory bidet comment. You don't have to wipe like you're trying to get peanut butter out of carpet. All shits become the same with a bidet, whether a short sticky stoagie or a hot wet mess of diarrhea. Imagine trying to clean a mud snowman off your driveway with a pressure washer. It can do anything.

[–] SoleInvictus@lemmy.blahaj.zone 28 points 3 months ago

You are a master of imagery.

[–] PagPag@lemmy.world 14 points 3 months ago

You don't have to wipe like you're trying to get peanut butter out of carpet.

I lol’d

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[–] 474D@lemmy.world 45 points 3 months ago (5 children)

FFS get some technique. You use 3 squares folded over and do a pinch. You then use 2 squares folded for a second pinch. The last is two squares folded for a wipe, then folded again for the last clean up wipe. Yes, bidet is better but you're gonna have to poo in a public restroom at some point. This isn't rocket surgery, people. Get it together

[–] elucubra@sopuli.xyz 19 points 3 months ago

Bidet is the obvious way to do it right. Japanese toilet second, but if you can-t go at home, at least use moist TP towelettes, and don-t flush them! Throw them in the waste bin!

[–] southsamurai@sh.itjust.works 14 points 3 months ago (2 children)

Fwiw, there are portable "bidets"

They aren't exactly a proper bidet, they're just bottles with a nozzle. Some of them you can't even carry the water in it, you have to be able to access water where you're going (so, not great for camping usually, or portajohns).

But they do a decent job for the most part. Enough to at least reduce how much wiping is needed.

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[–] stiephelando@discuss.tchncs.de 41 points 3 months ago (1 children)
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[–] Donkter@lemmy.world 37 points 3 months ago

Why would I stop wiping? There's still blood back there!

[–] blind3rdeye@lemm.ee 26 points 3 months ago (5 children)

Bidet is the way, for sure. Butt if you don't have access to that, and you are unfortunately enough to have a messy shit, I suggest spitting on the toilet paper (and give it an extra fold so that it doesn't tear).

[–] Brunbrun6766@lemmy.world 23 points 3 months ago
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[–] dohpaz42@lemmy.world 26 points 3 months ago (1 children)

I wonder if OP forgot to fold the TP or use a new clean bunch and is just wiping their ass over and over with their own shit.

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[–] recreationalcatheter@lemm.ee 25 points 3 months ago (5 children)

I wipe homeopathically.

0.5 mm² gently applied at the top of my crack for a nice even dispersal.

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[–] Irelephant@lemm.ee 24 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Y'all need jesus and fibre.

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[–] tibi@lemmy.world 23 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Obviously, a bidet is the best way to have a clean butt, but baby wipes are a good compromise when in public bathrooms, they clean much better than dry toilet paper. Or wash on the side of the bathtub.

[–] pearsaltchocolatebar@discuss.online 27 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Don't flush them no matter what the packaging says, though.

[–] Worx 15 points 3 months ago (4 children)

How fucking strong is your toilet that you could flush an entire bidet down it?

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[–] lurch@sh.itjust.works 19 points 3 months ago (3 children)

There seems to always be a thread about poop on 4chan

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[–] TheMightyCanuck@sh.itjust.works 18 points 3 months ago

Anon never got a new piece of TP after the first wipe...

Just painting that starfish brown with lavish strokes

[–] Jimmycrackcrack@lemmy.ml 17 points 3 months ago

So until they read about it on the internet they were leaving their butthole covered with shit all day?

[–] OmegaLemmy@discuss.online 17 points 3 months ago (1 children)

Bidets... You don't have bidets?

[–] AbsoluteChicagoDog@lemm.ee 30 points 3 months ago

Nah he didn't even run for reelection

[–] EmoDuck@sh.itjust.works 17 points 3 months ago

Bro, you're supposed to use a NEW piece to wipe each time

[–] Duamerthrax@lemmy.world 14 points 3 months ago (1 children)
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[–] finitebanjo@lemmy.world 14 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) (6 children)

Since nobody else has talked about it, blood in stool is most commonly caused by hemorrhoids which can be caused by wiping too hard but much more likey it's due to spending too many hours sitting on hard or rough surfaces each day, and you could even have a natural disposition for hemorrhoids caused by enlarged veins and the way blood circulates throughout your legs. It can also be contributed to by leakage from irritated bowels, as well as in people who eat large meals just before sleeping.

Generally professional care isn't required to resolve the issue, instead you can try spending less time sitting down, avoid bloodthinners, wash the area occasionally with cool or cold water, or sitting on an ice pack and rotating out with a hot pack. Many people have suggested dietary changes, such as eat a fucking salad for once in your life.

If it persists for longer than two or three weeks, seek professional care as it could require light surgery.

[–] stinky@redlemmy.com 17 points 3 months ago

anon means that he wiped so frequently that the skin of his butthole wore away (and the paper still came back shitty)

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[–] specterspectre@lemmy.world 13 points 3 months ago

Fiber. Truly, up your fiber intake. The only time it won't stain and linger is when it gathers in on itself.

[–] passiveaggressivesonar@lemmy.world 13 points 3 months ago (3 children)

Wet the paper using the sink

[–] AlDente@sh.itjust.works 15 points 3 months ago (1 children)
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