this post was submitted on 14 Feb 2025
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The Onion

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The Onion

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[–] [email protected] 54 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Things are so insane in America right now, that I wasn't entirely sure this was satire.

<stares in Gulf of America and Red, White, and Blueland>

[–] [email protected] 16 points 1 month ago (3 children)

Don't forget Ohio's new proposed law for life starts at ejaculation!

[–] [email protected] 17 points 1 month ago

To be fair, that one was meant to fail. It was supposed to show that they have no qualms with regulating women's bodies and choices, but men's are out of the question.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 month ago

I thought that was Mississippi?

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 month ago

That was literally a scene where they discussed how dumb this idea was in Legally Blonde. Satire writes itself.

[–] [email protected] 29 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

I hate that I actually have to check the sub every time I read a fucking headline

[–] [email protected] 21 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

Swallowed that onion whole this time 🧅 lol

After it's been dropped on the ground for less than five seconds, of course.

[–] [email protected] 18 points 1 month ago

Surgeon: "uh oh, I guess I dropped that heart on the floor."

Nurse: "ha, got it. Five second rule, just put it back in."

[–] [email protected] 17 points 1 month ago (1 children)

I was thinking 'no, this can't be' and thankfully... it was not real.

[–] [email protected] 13 points 1 month ago (1 children)

Headline seemed plausible... how sad is that

I feel for the onion, how hard it is today to sound outrageous

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 month ago

Satire is dead.

[–] [email protected] 12 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

Next, he implements the ‘you break it you buy it’ equivalent for road kill: ‘you hit it you eat it’ *

*exception: if you have a plane to catch, you are allowed 1 (one) dump it in the park and bail.

[–] [email protected] 11 points 1 month ago (2 children)

Wait we stopped following the 5 second rule? I thought you only ignored the 5 second rule if it was something wet

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 month ago

During covid was reduced to 2 seconds and never bring back to 5. This is an actual good move imo.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 month ago

now it's fine to pick wet stuff up off the floor and eat it too.

[–] [email protected] 10 points 1 month ago

It’s the onion and yet it sounds about right for him.

Most of health care seems to be holding their collective breath right now. Some of the surgeons are working more patients, anticipating awful things.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 1 month ago

It would be more believable if he introduced a 5 minute rule.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 month ago

Next up: an increase in the number of allowed whale decapitations to five (5).