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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Eshlau

Me [30F] with my family and friends, I'm getting surgery to correct my disability, and I'm not sure how to tell people or deal with the change

TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of past bullying, ableism, medical neglect, victim blaming

MOOD SPOILER: Infuriating but positive

Original Post - rareddit Jan 13, 2016

Hi all-

History: I come from an extremely low income, uneducated, and prejudiced family (basically midwestern rednecks). I was born with a disability that affects the way I walk. Growing up, my parents didn't believe that my inability to walk normally was a disability- they (mainly my father, my mom just kind of goes along with him) thought I was doing it for attention or to spite them or something, even as a toddler. Because of this, I was punished for walking the only way I am physically able to. Which means I was basically punished constantly for about 7-8 years until a teacher had a sit-down with my parents and strongly suggested they take me to see someone.

At this point, the disability was identified, and the doctor suggested surgery- which my family couldn't afford. So I spent a number of years in leg braces, physical therapy, etc. (which didn't work, as it's a congenital disability). My parents and family, despite being told what was going on, still blamed me for my condition- they believed that I faked this disability long enough as a baby and toddler that I eventually made my body this way. They've always been resentful because of that, and used to constantly remind me how much money they had to shell out for my "problem."

Throughout my childhood, I was constantly teased about my condition by other kids (I was in leg braces when Forrest Gump came out), yelled at and punished by my parents, and criticized by extended family and other adults (even strangers at the grocery store). People even commented on it in my receiving line at my wedding 2 years ago. I spent years learning a fake normal walk for when I can't wear shoes, developing a thick skin, and learning to laugh at myself. I've been reminded of this condition by everyone I meet and everyone I know on a constant basis for my entire life. At this point, it's such a strong part of who I am as a person and my resiliency, I don't even think of it as a disability, really. Just a part of who I am.

The Problem: At this point, I'm 30 years old. Over the past decade or so, I've had a lot of problems with my feet because of the unusual weight distribution pattern I place on them attempting to walk. Over the last year, though, I started noticing signs of nerve damage (numbness, tingling, and shooting pain which renders me barely able to walk at times), and my doctor strongly stressed re-visiting an orthopedic surgeon.

At my consult, the surgeon was shocked. He kept asking me questions with this incredulous look on his face, taking pictures with his phone, and commenting on how surprised me was that I could walk as well as I can at this point. He said it's one of the most severe cases he's ever seen of this particular condition, as most are fixed in childhood via surgery. The imaging of my lower extremities showed tissue damage and nerve impingement, making surgery a necessity at this point. So I scheduled a surgery a couple months from now.

I've had a lot of weird feelings about this since scheduling the surgery. The first pertains to how/when I'm going to tell my family. For years I have completely avoided any talk of my condition, and generally ignore all of the comments made by everyone ("Still walking like a freak, huh?" and the like). I know my parents still believe I did this to myself. Even though I've developed a pretty thick skin to others, I still get emotional thinking about the abuse, shame, and humiliation I suffered at the hands of my parents and family all throughout my childhood because of this. I'm afraid that it's all going to boil back to the surface when I tell them, and start a fight. We already have a tepid relationship, and I don't want to make it worse.

The other weird feeling I have pertains to the feeling that I'm "fixing" something. I know that at this point, it's either surgery or losing the use of my lower legs over the next few years. However, it feels like I'm losing a piece of me. I've spent 30 years telling myself that there's nothing wrong with me, finally "fixing" my condition feels like I'm agreeing with everyone, that there was something inherently wrong with me all along. The surgeon said I would have to re-learn how to walk, run, jump, etc. I'm excited to know what it feels like to walk on two good legs, but at the same time, I start to cry even thinking about changing this part of me forever. It's part of me. It's the way I was made. Fixing it makes it seem like I agree that I was made wrong. I don't know how to make peace with that feeling.

TL;DR- Born with disability, family and others spend 30 years making me feel horrible about it. Now getting surgery to correct- how do I break the news/results to my family, and how do I deal with the feeling that I'm taking away a piece of my identity/selling out?

EDIT- Holy canoli, I came home from school to see this, and oh my goodness! Thank you all so much for your kind words and support. I am truly reading all the comments, even if I can't respond to all of them. I want to thank you all so much. Your comments made me laugh, cry, and seriously think about a lot of things in my life related to my family. I wanted to address some points that I've seen come up a couple times, for better clarification:

My family no longer thinks I'm faking. At this point, they believe that I faked my condition as a baby and toddler, and that led to the condition I live with today. Kind of like a "if you keep making that face it's going to stick that way" mentality. There is absolutely no getting through to them about this, so I just ignore it.

​

I grew up in a poor, uneducated, generally abusive household with an abusive alcoholic father and an enabler for a mother. I've been in therapy off and on for almost a decade now, but really started to make progress a few years ago when I started seeing my current psychiatrist, so no worries on my current mental health. Although I still have a lot of problems related to my family history as well as other things that happened, I am in the best possible place now, and actively dealing with it.

​

The reason I still keep my family in my life is because of a few reasons. One, of course, is the unconditional love I feel for them. As horrible as some of them have been, deep down I will always want to help them and hope that things will get better. I realize this is stupid of me, but I've been working at limiting my exposure to them for a number of years now, and it is a slow process. Another reason (which I know is also probably stupid) is for the sake of my other family members. I am very protective of my family, and in my teen years established something of a caretaker/head of household role with them when my dad's alcoholism got really bad. I can't handle the thought of the stress and pain I would cause my mom and siblings if I were to cut them out of my life. I don't know if I could do that to them. I do love them, as flawed as they are.

​

After reading through most of the great comments you guys left, I think I'm going to simply get the surgery and not say anything. I live across the country from my family, and only see them 1-2 times a year for a week or so at a time. I probably won't be seeing them again until next Christmas. I could potentially get the surgery and mostly recover by then. If they notice, they notice. I realize by reading your comments that I don't owe them an explanation. If they push about it, I'll do what I normally do, and leave the situation before I get upset. It's not of their concern what I do with my body.

Thank you all so very much for your kind words, they mean the world to me.

Update - rareddit Apr 11, 2016 (3 months later)

Hi everyone!

I was so overwhelmed by the positive responses and well wishes back when I posted about this, that I thought I would update all of you on how things are going.

So I had my surgery about a month ago, and it went well without any complications. I was in excruciating pain for the first couple days, but my husband was by my side 24/7 to help out. He had a week off from his work, so it worked out nicely, and I was able to wean myself off the narcotic painkillers they gave me after about 5-6 days. Since then, I've been on crutches, and still have about another 3 or so weeks of crutches to go, most likely. I don't want to get crazy specific about what my disability or surgery was for privacy purposes, so unfortunately that's all I can really say about it. It's been tedious, but the great thing about recovering from an injury or surgery, I suppose, is learning a new level of patience and endurance. I'm really happy with my recovery so far and the results I'm seeing already. I can't wait until I am recovered and strong enough to try walking without the crutches or any other device, and see what it's like!

Leading up to the surgery and immediately after, I didn't tell anyone about it, not even my closest friends. I was kind of afraid of how word might get around, if people would bring it up or something. It got really difficult, though, to keep the secret, as my husband and I had to be careful about what we said and who we said it to. It felt like we were sneaking around, like we had something to be ashamed of. Finally, I told a couple close friends, who were very supportive.

I wasn't planning on telling my family, but I finally did. I felt like I was lying by omission when my mom would call and ask how everything was, anything new, etc., and I would just try to act normal. I finally told her, plain and simple, "Yeah, so I had surgery about 2 and a half weeks ago..." She was pretty shocked, and she seemed genuinely hurt that I hadn't told her (not in what she said, but in her tone). She asked my why I hadn't mentioned anything, and I said that it had always been a very tense subject in the family, and I didn't want to bring it up.

I think, somehow, that that got through to her. She seemed genuinely regretful of the situation, she was speaking to me with shame in her voice. We didn't talk long, as I was studying, but later that night, I just kind of thought, "to hell with it" and made a facebook post coming out to my friends and other family members and letting them know what I had had done. I wrote a narrative about what it was like growing up being different, the rude and hurtful things people would say, the feelings of shame and isolation that I felt, and how those feelings were so strong that I was debating whether or not I should even tell anyone. It was a positive post though, overall, as I tried to remind people that individuals with disabilities shouldn't be treated like an outcast or an exhibit. And honestly, I don't have time or room in my heart to feel angry or resentful, I am so hopeful for the future and looking forward to normal mobility.

Everyone was incredibly supportive about the post, and my parents called me a bunch of times in the days after. We played phone tag a bit, and when I finally talked to my mom a couple days ago, she said she wanted to start looking at flights to come out here and visit me, and "help out." I told her that wasn't necessary, that I was pretty used to the crutches now and the limited mobility I have, and she said she hopes I can reconsider in the next couple days, as it would make her feel a little bit better to be able to help me out, cook, shop, etc. Apparently me getting the surgery and intentionally not telling them, coupled with the fb post that my mom saw (I didn't call them out or anything in it, just talked in general about how difficult it was), made my parents feel horrendously guilty about the way I grew up and was treated. My mom wanted to try to make it up to me somewhat by flying out here and spending some time together. I appreciate the sentiment, and I'm glad that they're seeing the way they treated me in a new light, but I do think I'm honestly too busy in the next couple weeks to host a guest. I told her we could revisit the discussion in a couple weeks.

So, everything is pretty great right now. I made peace a long time ago with the fact that I will never be completely comfortable or close with my family, but it's nice to know that people can change, or try to. I really appreciate the effort my parents are putting in, even if it's not necessary. It's the thought that counts, I guess. I don't want to say I'm glad they feel bad, but I'm kinda glad they feel bad. It shows that they're human, maybe there's some hope there.

Anyway, thank you all again so, so much for your kindness and support, your replies and massages meant everything to me, even if I didn't get around to responding to them. I read and appreciated every single one. Here's to good health and a good life, goodbye!

TL;DR: Got surgery without telling anyone, eventually found keeping secrets to be too difficult, and told some people. Ended up telling my family, they finally realized how shitty they had been, and now feel guilty and want to help me out. Everything went great, recovery is going well, and life is good.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Suspicious-Basil7882

AITA for refusing to cook a vegetarian Thanksgiving dinner?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

Thanks to u/nousernamelol2021 for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: Fears of loss of a parent. Controlling behavior

MOOD SPOILER: schadenfreude

Original Post Oct 2, 2024

I feel like I’ve slipped into the twilight zone with this whole argument, so tell me what’s up, internet folks.

Background: I (31F) and my brother Mark (35M) do not get along. When he was a teen he saw a documentary on factory farming and decided to become a vegetarian. He got very, very annoying about it quickly, but my dad shut him down when he started trying to get the rest of us to be vegetarian with him. Then he went to college, made a bunch of very strange friends, and went militantly vegan. It’s his entire personality. I stopped talking to him after he threw a fit about one of my birthday dinners being at a steakhouse and spammed my messages and SM with pictures of abused cows.

My parents have been trying to repair the situation and for a while, it did seem like Mark was getting better so I’ve been letting him back into contact gradually. Then he started dating Pam, who is some kind of vegan influencer. She is apparently moderately popular online, but I have no idea what she does exactly. I don’t know if Mark was trying to impress her or what, but last Thanksgiving he insisted that mom cook at least a vegetarian meal or they wouldn’t come on “ethical grounds”. My mom just wanted everyone to get along on her favorite holiday, so she agreed. It was not a fun meal.

This year, my parents have downsized for retirement and my mom is having health problems. I bought their house when they moved, so my mom asked me to host Thanksgiving so it would be like usual. I told everyone in the group chat so Mark and Pam could make travel arrangements and Pam immediately started gushing about all the vegan replacement recipes she could give me to replace the traditional ones. I said to send me a main dish recipe they like and I would give it a shot, but I’m making the traditional meal otherwise and there should still be plenty of things they can eat. Mark and Pam have been arguing about this with me for days and then Mark said that if I wouldn’t make a meat-free meal they wouldn’t come. This upset my mom, who asked me to just make what she made last year to keep the peace, but I told her that Mark needs to get over himself and I’m not coddling him. I’m having turkey on Thanksgiving.

My dad privately agrees with me, but Mark threatening to not come is upsetting my mom so much that he’s worried it will impact her health. There’s a not big, but also not zero chance that these might be some of the last family holidays we have with her. My mom thinks I’m putting turkey over my own family and I’m not so sure anymore.

AITA?

Edit: Whoa, this blew up. So the answers to some common questions:

As I said, I’ve already offered to make sure there is a main dish and sides they can eat. Mark and Pam will not show up if anyone else eats meat at this meal. If any meat is served to anyone, they won’t come.

Doing multiple meals that day or across multiple days is a no go. I’m a newly minted critical care physician at an understaffed hospital during a major holiday week and I will have a limited window of time between shifts. I have time for one gathering and I would rather not waste it on a miserable one like last year.

Mark and Pam can’t host because they live in a van at present. I’m also not willing to have them in my kitchen for hours bitching about the meat in my fridge, the cookware and utensils, and whatever else they can find to complain about. The time it would take for them to come eat, socialize for a couple of hours, and leave is the maximum amount I’m willing to let them be in my home. Although it would admittedly be interesting to watch them try to host a family Thanksgiving out of a van.

It is very unlikely that my mom is going to die anytime soon. It’s just a non-zero chance, she’s understandably worried about it, and is in the pessimism stage of grieving her health. She has a good prognosis and most people with her condition pull through and live for a long time afterward. If it is by some chance the last Thanksgiving, I don’t think a repeat of last year’s Thanksgiving would do her any good either as everyone left that table unsatisfied and unhappy.

Edit: So, a possible situation to this that I came up with while talking to my partner is to just work through Thanksgiving instead. The attending on shift that day would probably be happy to stay home, so swapping wouldn’t be hard. Mom would be sad about cancelling, but she knows my job is demanding and saves lives so she won’t be upset. Mark and Pam can kick rocks. To be honest, eating hospital turkey between emergencies sounds better than a family Thanksgiving right now. I’ll have to turn it over some more.

Edit 2: Problem mostly solved. Dad finally hit critical mass and told Mark that if he didn’t get his ass here on Thanksgiving to support mom unconditionally and without a single complaint or argument the entire time, he was disowning and disinheriting him and the next time he needed money or help he could forget it. So Mark is theoretically coming. Pam is not. Dad has already ordered the turkey. The recipes Pam sent are ridiculously complicated, so I worked out a deal with one of the nurses at work who is vegan and she’s going to make a couple of her favorite dishes ahead that I can bake day of for Mark. We’ll see if he actually manages to show up.

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

JadieBugXD

My aunt was vegan, she brought her own meals to family gatherings. Why can’t they do the same?

NTA

OOP

They object to participating in anything that involves meat. Won’t even go to non-vegetarian restaurants. They’re really extreme about it.

OOP when called out on calling their brother weird

I’m calling his college friends weird because they were legit weird. One ended up joining a cult. One believed in drinking urine as medicine. One had moldy white people dreads. One of them tried to recruit me to his polygamous harem when I was 18.

I’m contemptuous of my brother because he roundly deserves contempt. He’s a self-righteous, entitled freeloader that spends his life being angry at everyone for ridiculous reasons, has barely ever had a job or contributed anything to society, and blames everyone else for anything bad that happens to him due to his own stupid life choices.

Update Dec 5, 2024 (2 months later)

Thanksgiving with the Vegan Beother Update

“Brother”, not “beother”

People have been asking and I’m finally out from under the balls to the wall madness at work for a little bit, so buckle up, folks. I have a story.

So, to recap: my mom is sick and wanted a nice family Thanksgiving at my house, since it used to be the family house and their new place is small. My vegan brother and his girlfriend refused to come unless the entire meal was vegetarian, I.e no meat allowed for anyone. I am not okay with being blackmailed over food in my own home. It was upsetting my mom enough that before Thanksgiving, my dad called my brother and told him that if he did not show up to Thanksgiving, support my mom, and be pleasant to everyone without a single comment about food, he was disowned. My brother agreed to come. His girlfriend opted out at the time.

My dad and I planned the meal. I made sure there were plenty of vegetable dishes available and made a deal with a vegan nurse at work to make me a couple of vegan casseroles that I could bake for my brother. My mom was happy and it was looking like everything was solved.

My brother arrived the night before Thanksgiving with the girlfriend after all in their van, which they live in. This was unplanned, but at least they showed up. They intended to camp in my yard. I told them absolutely not. They asked if they could stay in my guest room, then. I said that I had not planned for them to stay there and given their previous behavior I thought it best if they went and got a hotel room, plus they have a large breed dog with them, I don’t have a fenced yard, and I don’t want the dog to be in the house. They can’t afford a hotel room. He calls mom. The community my parents live in does not allow overnight guests under 50, so they can’t sleep there. To end the debate, I pay for a hotel room and allow the dog to hang out in the garage for the night because the hotel doesn’t accept pets that large that aren’t service animals.

Thanksgiving day, my parents come over, other family members and my partner come early to hang out, and everything is going fine. Brother and girlfriend roll up about 11. They both smell strongly of weed, which is not legal here, which makes things awkward from the start. Girlfriend comes into the kitchen to help even though everything is almost done, and starts taking pics with her phone without permission and telling my very Southern great aunt who has been cooking since God was a child how to make cornbread dressing the right (vegan) way. Several “bless your heart”s later, girlfriend is firmly escorted to the living room instead since she’s a “guest”.

Meanwhile, my brother has cornered my partner, who is also in the medical field and has the patience of a saint, about his vaccine conspiracies and my dad is just letting it happen because at least he’s not talking about food.

Finally we’re ready to eat and everyone is making a plate. Girlfriend asks a million questions about ingredients and then just gets small portions of two side dishes (not even the actual vegan dishes made by my vegan friend). My brother eats all the vegetable dishes but comments about how Girlfriend makes them better. I notice Girlfriend gets up to go to the bathroom a lot, and at one point she’s gone for a while so I go check on her to make sure she’s ok.

Y’all, this woman was filming a TikTok video for her channel IN MY BEDROOM. I was speechless. She apologized and said that she thought it was the guest room and she “needed a minute away” from the smell of meat. I told her to stop and go downstairs and that since it’s illegal here to record video on private property without the owner’s permission, if she posted anything she recorded in my house I would press charges.

After we were done eating, my brother pulled me off to the side and told me that I was a bitch for threatening his girlfriend. My partner happened to be close enough to hear and apparently told my dad. Dad asked my brother to help with something outside for a minute. I don’t know what was said, but my brother came back in looking pissed, “reminded” Girlfriend that they needed to head back to beat traffic, said goodbye to mom, and they left in a hurry.

So much of a hurry that they forgot the poor dog who was still out in the garage and by the time my brother answered a call he was so worked up he cussed me out and told me to just keep the dog since I had to have everything my way and his girlfriend was yelling in the background when he hung up.

My mom either completely missed what was going on or is pretending she doesn’t know so we don’t have to talk about it, but she said she had a good Thanksgiving and it was nice to have everyone together. My dad hasn’t said anything about what he told my brother, but he wants to take mom to the beach for Christmas and asked if my partner and I wanted to go without saying anything about my brother and his girlfriend. My cousin checked up on Girlfriend’s channel and says that she’s posted videos but they’re from the hotel the night before and the van afterwards so at least she has the sense to be warned.

I’ve sent messages and so have my dad and partner offering to try to get the dog back to them but so far neither of them are talking. I don’t want to take the poor thing to the shelter. It’s not his fault and he’s not a bad dog, just big and excitable.

Tl;dr - brother and his girlfriend showed up expecting to stay with me, were rude while they were here, left in a hurry, and abandoned their dog with me, but mom got her family Thanksgiving. Happy Holidays!

RELEVANT COMMENTS

milogiz

Is there a way that you can keep the dog or find him a good home? I will tell brother dear that he and his girlfriend is no longer welcome at my house.

OOP

My partner has pack bonded to the dog at this point and the plan was to move here in January anyway, so we have a dog now. He seems to be enjoying his escape from van life so far.

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/throwaway_astrogirl

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITA for insisting my mom choose a side between me and my brother

Thanks to u/soayherder & u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: past trauma, emotional abuse and manipulation, assault and battery, PTSD, mental health struggles, attempted murder, vivid descriptions of attack

Mood Spoilers: depressing

Original Post: April 4, 2025

This happened a few years ago but is still a major issue in my family. I (25F) am the youngest and only girl of my siblings. Me and my mom (50F) live in a different state and decided to visit home and my oldest brother (31M) offered to house us with his family. The first night there, my mom went out with some old friends and my brother and his girlfriend (32F) asked to hang out with me in their home for the night.

After their kids (4 kids between the ages of 9 months and 12) went to bed, we started drinking and talking about random things since this was the first time I had actually met this girlfriend and spent time with her. While talking, his girlfriend asked about our childhood and what he was like as a kid. And I answered honestly: he was a bad kid. He ran away, he spiked our mom’s boyfriends drinks with bleach, he fought at school almost daily and was suspended constantly until he dropped out. Something I thought was funny to joke about was not funny to him and he got angry. Me and his girlfriend laughed it off (we’re all very drunk at this point) but I could tell he was getting angrier and angrier. Then he asked me “if I just punched you right now it wouldn’t be funny would it?” Again, drunk me laughed it off thinking we were just talking about our lives and childhoods. We were not abused or neglected as children so I truly didn’t see this as me laughing at traumatic events or making fun of him.

And then in a split second he punched me. Over and over. I remember protecting myself as I fell and getting back up and throwing anything in front of me as I tried to move out of the way. And then I was back on the floor, mouth bleeding, disoriented and crawling to the couch for help. The kids ran into the room scared and crying and his 9 month old was crying hysterically. He was screaming and yelling at his girlfriend “it’s not funny! it’s not funny!” as she tried to calm him down. He even saw me on the couch crying and bleeding and threw a cup of alcohol in my face and called me a bitch. And then he said: “I hope you know you’re gonna fucking die tonight”.

I remember running into the bathroom and locking the door and I heard him searching desperately for a knife in the kitchen drawer. I called my mom as I hysterically cried and told her he was gonna kill me and she begged me to open a window and run. He began banging on the door, describing how he was going to stab me, gut me, as I tried to open the window; I think I even accepted at this point I was dead and just pondering how it would feel.

And then he stopped. I waited and realized my mom had begun breaking down the door to get to me because he was looking for a new knife to kill me with.

After this, I went to the hospital and although I had no broken bones, I was bleeding and my entire face was bruised and cut. I pressed charges against him and after almost 3 years, he was caught on a separate charge and now the case is moving forward this month.

My mom, in her opinion, has tried to stay neutral but I think in her way of staying neutral she has taken his side. She has told me that being beat was a “consequence” of saying rude things to him and that I’ve already won because he’s been in jail for months and should drop these charges since he’s facing other criminal charges.

Yesterday, I blew up and cried and told her she was stupid and dumb for ever suggesting that I get over this and I can’t believe she would want to be neutral and not take my side. She hung up the phone and we have not talked since.

I feel like I might be TA because I don’t have kids and I don’t understand what she might be going through having to choose between us. It’s also important to mention my brother has previously been diagnosed with a mental illness and has done violent behavior like breaking windows, stealing, going on car chases from police, and fighting before so I feel like our family has become so immune to his behavior that me pressing the issue and demanding accountability is making everyone uncomfortable. But I also feel like her seeing what I looked like after he beat me, hearing me describe what it felt like and how it has damaged me (I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety) should automatically make her take my side and support my decision to take this to court.

AITA?

TLDR: my brother tried to stab me and my mother is asking for me to drop the charges and insists that she cannot choose between her children on which side to take in the situation.

EDIT: here is the link to my update on this situation. https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1k7qzen/update_aita_for_insisting_my_mother_choose_a_side/

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: This can't be real, if the cops were called they would recommend the DA press charges themselves and the kids would be removed from the home since he's a psychopath.

OOP: In my moment of panic, I didn’t call the police I just called my mom for help and she took me to the hospital. I went to the police the next day and they basically did nothing until I got a phone call a few months ago that he was arrested for something else. The DA did apologize and said he had no idea how this case slipped between the cracks and why it took so long for him to be arrested. The kids are still in the home and he is still with GF.

Commenter 2: I stopped reading after the very first sentence. NTA.

If one child is a sociopath who tries to stab people, clearly she should be on the other kid's side.

OOP: Thank you for responding and for your honesty. Part of why I made the post is because for the last couple years, multiple family members have told me that expecting my mom to choose a side is irrational and that I should stop pushing this, drop the charges, and handle this “as a family”. After the argument with my mom, it really started making me question whether I am being irrationally biased and TA for bringing this situation up for so long and making her choose between us.

I really thought people here were going to tell me I was letting my emotions blindside me and I’m TA for yelling at my mom and pushing for her to make a clear stand because I’ve been hearing it for years now. But hearing the opposite from so many people is actually mind boggling and I needed it.

Commenter 3: Your mother has picked a side and she is wrong. Please proceed with the charges. Those poor kids, that man should NEVER be around children.

NTA

Commenter 4: WOW, unbelievable how your mother is reacting! maybe for your own mental health you should cut off all contact with your mom too! Your brother literally tried to kill you and in no world is that ok or forgivable. Continue with the charges because he needs consequences and he needs help! You need to protect yourself and not have contact with your mom! You should never doubt you are doing the right thing!

Update: April 25, 2025 (three weeks later)

Hi everyone, I wanted to give an update since a lot has happened since my original post, and I’ve felt so conflicted and alone in it all.

Link to the original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1jrlzsd/aita_for_insisting_my_mom_choose_a_side_between/?share_id=3o7qWTVVZ8OMaY8LCi_aC

TLDR at the bottom

For context: a few years ago, my older brother beat me violently during a drunken conversation, to the point that I thought I was going to die. My mother has stated that I shouldn’t testify against him and that I’m TA for making her pick between us when she’s supposed to be “neutral”.

As the trial started approaching, my family started pressuring me heavily to back out. My mom told me that I should let this go because my brother has “suffered enough” by losing his girlfriend, his kids, and facing time in jail for other charges. She says I’m pushing too hard and that my testimony will send him to prison rather than letting him finish his time in jail even though I didn’t ask for jail time. I requested a plea deal that focused on probation, a mental health evaluation, and mandatory medication adherence. I just wanted him to get help and even that was too much.

She also told me I’m “contributing to what Black men go through,” which feels incredibly manipulative, considering she has never once asked me what I need to heal or how this has affected me. Everything is about my brother, his image, and how to keep him out of prison, not about what I experienced or what helps me feel safe. My brother had someone post on social media about him getting released soon (not happening) and my mother commented and said “can’t wait for you to be home soon!” So a side was clearly chosen here and it’s not mine.

And then it got worse. My mom, father, and grandmother have all reached out trying to get me to drop the case. My father (mind you, this is MY father not my brothers since we’re half siblings) told me “it’s not like your brother molested your kids or killed your husband” as if those are the only two scenarios that justify testifying. He said I’m ruining the family and making myself look bad by going forward. Then I found out my mom gave my father the name of my prosecutor without telling me, and they emailed the prosecutor pretending I had changed my mind about testifying because it “wasn’t really a big deal”. Thankfully, the prosecutor reached out to confirm, and I told him it wasn’t true.

Trial was this morning and my brother decided to plead guilty and ask for time served and I was not allowed to testify. I felt like it was another thing he stole from me. My mental health, my feelings of safety, the love from my family, and now he took my moment of confrontation. However, he’s back in jail because he is still awaiting sentencing for 11 other charges and facing decades in prison.

I called my mother afterwards and told her I didn’t testify and that I knew she emailed the prosecutor (she denied and said she had nothing to do with it but was happy my father did it nonetheless). She said I sided with the system and contributed to another Black man in jail and should be ashamed of myself and then hung up. I texted her and said I still loved her and I wish that one day we can go back to being best friends again because I miss her. She hasn’t responded. So much for neutral right?

Thank you for all the kind words and everyone who told me they had been through something similar. My brother has taken so much from me and I feel alone, defeated, and empty. Part of me is happy this is over but the cost of my family is something I never even considered when he attacked me three years ago. I don’t know how I will pick up the pieces or get through this immense sadness but I will try.

TLDR; my parents tried to have the case thrown out by lying but couldn’t. My brother pleaded guilty to assault and battery and I couldn’t testify. My mother is not speaking to me anymore.

Relevant Comments

Does OOP's brother have any other charges against him that are unrelated to OOP's situation and if her testimony wouldn't have any impact on other charges?

OOP: Yes, he has about 11 other charges unrelated to me including having a weapon as a felon. Actually, he never even went to jail for my charges until this year when he was caught on the other charges and they realized he had a warrant for his arrest for almost 3 years that they did nothing about.

I confirmed before court that my testimony wouldn’t have any impact on the other charges and I was told that the other charges were so severe that it was unlikely a judge would even care about what happened today. And even then that wasn’t enough reassurance for my mother. She said it didn’t matter that I didn’t actually testify but WANTING TO is the same as actually doing it.

Why aren't OOP's parents being held accountable for lying to the prosecutor about the ongoing criminal trial?

OOP: The prosecutor told me he didn’t report my parents specifically for the fact he felt bad for me that I was being harassed by so much family and he didn’t want to make it worse by reporting them and giving them another reason to harass me. I’m so thankful he did it because I can barely handle the ostracism as is.

I get that people post fake stuff up here trust me but this is unfortunately very real and I would post the photos of my beat up face if I didn’t want to remain anonymous.

Commenter 1: While you didn't get to testify during his guilty plea, is there any way that you can prepare a victims impact statement to be read at his sentencing hearing?

Even though it's not trial testimony, if allowed, you would be able to express to the court how his actions have affected your life/health.

OOP: They sentenced him at the same time as the plea hearing to time served and allowed me to make a statement then. I was honestly just so shocked and disappointed and trying not to cry that all I could say was “I hope he gets help and I’m sad that our relationship has been reduced to this”. He refused to say anything. I just hate that I wasn’t prepared to make a statement because I had spent so much time prepping myself to testify. It’s part of why I’m having the feelings I’m having…like I didn’t get to actually get any of those feelings off myself they’re still here. He just keeps taking things from me and that was one of them.

Commenter 2: Can I ask what makes you keep going back to people so obviously don’t care about you? I don’t have parents so I don’t understand it. What is it that they bring to you that you keep going back for?

OOP: Hi, me and my mom were extremely close before this. As in I’ve had people say to us “I thought me and my mom are close but you guys are close!” We see each other every weekend, we talk three times a day at minimum, we were so close. She actually was the one who told me to pursue charges 3 years ago. I think the switch up happened when she realized he was going to jail for a long time and needed a scapegoat for her feelings and it was me. Even through all of this, she’s called me and came by to apologize and tell me she could never choose anyone over me because she couldn’t imagine life without me. So it’s hard when she tells me how much she needs me and then switches to hating me so quickly.

OOP on going no contact with her family after what has taken place

OOP: I do think I have to go LC/NC with everyone because I’m realizing how toxic it is that I have to defend my feelings to my parents almost everytime we talk. I’ll have a few months off work soon and I’m going to try to use that to rebuild my life back with just myself and good therapy. I hope to look into some domestic violence shelters soon to find a community of women who understand what I’m going through.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/MangoMarsupial, account now suspended

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITA for getting upset with my roommates for bringing random men over late at night?

Editor's note: both of the original and update posts were saved before they were removed

Trigger Warnings: invasion of privacy, manipulation, entitlement

Mood Spoilers: mad

Original post: April 23, 2025

Hi everyone I (25F) live in a 3-bedroom apartment with two other girls, Anna (22F) and Jess (22F). When we first moved in together, we all agreed on a few ground rules: no unannounced overnight guests, no strangers coming over super late, and to be respectful about noise since we all have early mornings for work or school.

Lately though, Anna and Jess have started bringing random guys over late at night I’m talking 1 or 2 AM often after a night out or from dating apps. I don’t have a problem with them having a social life, but it makes me extremely uncomfortable having strangers in our apartment while I’m trying to sleep, especially when I have no idea who they are.

What really crossed the line for me was a couple weeks ago when one of the guys walked into my bathroom without asking, and another time, a different guy tried to open my bedroom door at 2:30 AM, clearly thinking it was Jess' room. That scared the hell out of me.

I’ve brought this up with both of them several times, saying it makes me feel unsafe and disrespected in my own home. Every time, they just say “sorry, it won’t happen again” or that I’m “overreacting” and that it’s not a big deal. Spoiler: it keeps happening.

Last night was the final straw I woke up to loud voices and laughing at 2 AM, only to find two new random guys in our living room. I lost my temper and told them this was seriously not okay anymore. Now Anna and Jess are calling me uptight and “no fun,” and said I’m making them feel like they can’t live their lives in their own apartment.

Now I’m starting to wonder AITA for putting my foot down about this?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Top Comments

Commenter 1: NTA, you guys all agreed on boundaries.

However it’s clear they aren’t going to follow them and have no interest in how you feel, and you can’t tell them what to do, so it’s probably best to look for a new living situation.

Commenter 2: NTA and in the meantime change your bedroom doorknob to a locking with key door same with the bathroom

Commenter 3: NTA You've done nothing wrong but unfortunately you will probably have to move out as it sounds like things are unlikely to improve. In the meantime you might like to get a lock for your door if you're able to.

Update: April 25, 2025 (two days later)

Hey everyone just wanted to give an update since a lot has happened in the last couple of days.

So after I made that post, things between me, Anna, and Jess got way more tense. I tried one more time to have a calm, sit-down conversation with them about it. I told them again how uncomfortable and unsafe it makes me feel to have random guys in the apartment in the middle of the night, especially after the incidents with the bathroom and someone trying to open my bedroom door.

Instead of being understanding, they doubled down. Jess basically told me I was being "paranoid" and “controlling,” and Anna said I was “killing the vibe” of the apartment. They claimed it’s their right to have whoever they want over, whenever they want, because “we’re adults now.” Apparently, me wanting to feel safe and know who’s in my own home makes me a buzzkill.

Then the final straw happened the very next night, they had three guys over, super late again. One of them was so drunk he knocked over a lamp in the living room and then had the nerve to start banging on my door at like 2:15 AM because he "wanted to use the bathroom." I didn’t open the door, I just grabbed my stuff, left, and went straight to my boyfriend’s place.

I’ve been staying with him temporarily while I figure out my next move. Thankfully, he’s been super supportive and offered to let me stay as long as I need. I also let my landlord know what’s going on, and I’m officially starting the process of breaking my lease and looking for a new place. I honestly can’t believe it escalated this quickly, but I don’t feel safe or comfortable there anymore.

It sucks because I loved that apartment when we first moved in, but it’s not worth the constant anxiety or the risk. I wish they could’ve just respected boundaries and been reasonable roommates, but here we are.

Thanks so much to everyone who commented on the original post you all made me feel so much less crazy for being upset about it.

TL;DR: Things escalated, I moved out temporarily, and I’m breaking my lease to get out of that situation for good.

Top Comments

Commenter 1: Definitely the right move to leave. Their behavior was completely unreasonable and disrespectful of your safety. So glad you have a supportive boyfriend and are getting out of that situation. Wishing you all the best finding a new, peaceful place!

Commenter 2: You’re right to leave

Your roommates are naive to the realities of the world and how dangerously naive they are being

Commenter 3: For their sake, I hope what usually happens when young women make a habit of bringing drunk guys around regularly, doesn’t happen. Every lesson doesn’t need to be learned the hard way. Glad you’re getting out. I know too many women that this didn’t turn out well for.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/grandkidsmove

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

AITA for moving to be closer to my grandkids

Thanks to u/queenlegolas & u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: emotional manipulation, pregnancy loss, possible emotional abandonment

Original Post: March 28, 2025

I have 3 kids with my ex husband; Elliott (28), Emily (21), and Joseph (19). Emily and Joseph still live at home while they attend the local state university.

3 years Elliott married his high school girlfriend, Madeline (27) and they have 3 beautiful little girls. Sophie (12) is Madeline’s half sister that Madeline and Elliott adopted 3 years ago. They also have 18 month old twin girls, Charlotte and Penelope and they’re pregnant with their first son.

Last year Madeline and Elliott moved from their apartment down the street from me to a house about 3 hours away for Elliott’s job. I try to visit them at least 2 weekends a month and I just love where they live. It’s this adorable little quiet beach town. I’ve been thinking about retiring there since Elliott and Madeline moved down there but I made the decision after I found out Madeline and Elliott are having another baby.

I put in an offer on a little cottage on the beach, a 10 minute walk to Elliott and Madeline’s house. My offer was accepted so I decided to sit Emily and Joseph down to tell them my plan.

I told them that I would be selling the house this summer and moving closer to Elliott and Madeline for an early retirement. I didn’t want them to struggle to find a place to live so I told them I will rent an apartment for them to share for 3 years or until Joseph graduates, whichever comes first. Neither will pay rent or any other expenses besides part of their groceries as long as they’re still in school.

I thought Joseph and Emily would be ok with this but they were furious. Joseph is saying that I’m choosing Elliott and my grandkids over them and Emily is claiming that I’m misusing their child support (their dad agreed to pay until they graduate from college) because I won’t get a “good” apartment (I’m getting them a simple 2 bed 1 bath apartment in good condition close to their school instead of a luxury 2 bed 2 bath with access to pools, a gym, and other nice amenities). I told her she’s welcome to pay her tuition and living expenses on the $850/month I get from her dad and now she and Joseph won’t speak to me.

Elliott is suggesting that I could’ve given them more notice and talked to them about this before I bought the house but I thought 3 months was plenty of time.

AITA for moving to be closer to Elliott, Madeline, and my grandchildren?

Verdict: Asshole

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Yeah, this was really poorly handled. Your children are all adults and you unilaterally decided on this move that is going to hugely affect all of their lives, and then sprung it on them as a fait accompli. YTA. And it has to be said: are you sure Elliott and Madeline even want you to move to their new town?

EDIT: OP responded that E & M are active participants in the moving plan. Which I guess talking to 1 of 3 children before making this decision is better than zero, but it doesn't change the verdict for me. Also I think it's kind of messed up that Elliott didn't give his siblings a heads-up. Is anyone else getting "Elliott is the Golden Child and likes it that way" vibes?

EDIT 2: A lot of people who disagree with me are saying OP is not the AH because a. they're all adults and it's her house so she can do whatever she wants, and/or b. she's still providing an apartment for the two younger children. And yes, legally she can do whatever she wants with the house, and yes, it would be worse if she moved away, cut off all their support and told them they were on their own, which yes, she legally could do because they're adults. But she remains the AH for the way she handled this. She demonstrated to Joseph and Emily that not only does she not care about their opinions on plans that significantly affect them, she doesn't even think it's necessary to find out whether they have any.

OOP: Yes I’m sure. They were taking me to tour houses in their town when I visited.

Commenter 2: So you felt it was appropriate to talk to one of your kids but not the others? Explain this.

OOP: They were helping me find and tour properties. With my younger two I didn’t see a need to tell them until I was sure it was happening.

Commenter 3: Do Madeline and Elliott even want you there? It sounds like you're already there too much, now you basically want to live with them.

OOP: Yes. They were very excited about me potentially moving there. Elliott started dropping hints about me moving there within a month of him moving.

Commenter 4: Gee I wonder why your children who live with you are shocked that you sold the house and are moving three hours away without having mentioned it to them at any point until it was a fait accompli.

You are choosing your eldest and grandkids above them. Maybe not for the first time I imagine.

You sure like burning bridges, but as long as your needs are met, eh?

YTA

OOP: I am selling the house but I’m renting them an apartment. It’s not like I’m throwing them out onto the street.

Commenter 5: NTA. But one question, how much time do your two younger college kids spend with you? Are they active in your life? I suspect they’re like every other college kid. Absorbed into their own lives while you are lonely wishing you were closer to your grandkids. This is your time, you raised your kids. Do I think you should have discussed it with them first? Yes. I wouldn’t have purchased anything without multiple discussions but the truth of it is they’re adults now and you’re providing them with a very cushy option.

OOP: They’re not very active in my life. They have school, friends, part time jobs, parties, boyfriend, etc.

OOP responds to a [longer comment] regarding Emily and Joseph choosing to attend a local university

OOP: They chose to attend the local school because they wouldn’t pay for room and board. I do not plan to move again even if Elliott moves. I really like the area that he lives in and it seems to be a great place to retire in

What does OOP's ex-husband and the father of her children think about her moving

OOP: He lives out of state and we actually have a pretty good relationship. He doesn’t see anything wrong with what I’m doing.

I have talked to their dad about me moving. He couldn’t care less

Update: April 10, 2025 (12 days later)

Thank you to everybody that commented on my original post. A lot has happened since then.

I’ve been staying with Elliott for a little over a week after his wife experienced a medical emergency that ended with her losing the baby.

The day I left I got an email from Emily saying she was moving in with her dad and cutting contact with me. Her dad and I have a pretty good relationship so I’ve been checking in through him and apparently she’s already threatening to move out because of his expectations towards chores and financial contribution.

Joseph actually apologized to me a couple days ago. I haven’t been able to sit down with him in person but we’ve had plenty of phone calls where we talked about his future. Instead of sharing an apartment with his sister, he will get a studio apartment and contribute $200/mo towards the rent and $200/mo towards groceries. I pay for everything related to his car except for gas and he’s on my health insurance so he only pays about $100/mo for gas, leaving his total living expenses at $500/mo. His income fluctuates but it’s typically $1500-3500/mo so even during the slow seasons he should be able to afford his expenses. I agreed to split the rent with him (currently 1k/mo) for up to 2 years after he graduates.

I do wish things are better for Emily but I am happy with Joseph for how he worked everything out.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: So your daughter moved out of state in the middle of the semester?

OOP: Yes. She chose to drop her classes this semester to spite me and expected her father to take care of her financially.

OOP responds about her youngest child and how he is accepting her decisions

OOP: The 19 year old is actually doing great. He needed a few days to come around but he and I have had some great discussions about what he wants, what I can help with, and what he can do/afford these past few days.

Commenter 2: Depending on where you live 3 months may actually not be a long time to find a suitable flat

Commenter 3: OP found a listing for an apartment that was theoretically in her budget. She did not apply for it, and thus she (and so we) has no information on whether the apartment has a wait list, has already been taken but the listing is still up, or even whether it actually exists.

OOP: We have an apartment. He’ll be moving in June. A friend of a friend owns the building so it went pretty quickly.

Commenter 4: I am happy it all worked out, it seems Emily is the biggest issue but that’s not your problem anymore

It’s a shame she lost the baby

I am suprise you got an ASShole verdict but then again Reddit really believes that parents need to break there backs forever…

Literally we’re giving the an apartment and plenty of notice

Edit: even if op butchered how they dropped the news, at most it should have been an ESH not the overwhelming YTA

They were treating this as she was abandoning middle schoolers not grown ass adults who she literally will pay for their housing.The adult kids were definitely being dicks in that post

Personally OP NTA since you still gave 3 months when this news dropped and were literally doing to pay for their housing

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/wiiltedwallflower

16 years old and my mom arranged a marriage for me ?

TWs: Child Endangerment, Forced Marriage, Emotional Abuse, Family Estrangement, Sexism/Misogyny, Physical /Mental abuse

MOOD SPOILER:>! hopeful!<

Original Post October 11, 2016

I was studying for my math test and listening to music while I study. My mom was on the phone talking to a relative in Pakistan about a wedding and I took my earbuds out, and I started eavesdropping. I wanted to know what was going on and my mom said "I don't know what ‘wiiltedwallflower’ should wear to her wedding." WHAT THE FUCK ! After she ended the call she told me and my step-sister that we were going to Pakistan to "visit relatives."

I faked interest and pretended to be excited, so she wouldn't get suspicious, but I am fucking shocked and I didn't know what to do. I went on travel.gc and I also googled a list of Canadian/ French consulates and embassies in Pakistan. I’m afraid my mom or my relatives will take away my passport and never let me return to Canada ! Then I’ll be trapped in that shithole country with some stranger who will probably abuse me daily. My mom has talked about marrying me off to a guy because my grades are bad and because I don’t “behave.”

I haven’t been to Pakistan since I was 6 and I would never, ever go back. I am ex muslim and I hate all of my mom’s relatives in Pakistan. I remember when I failed a chemistry test and my mom said “Your cousin got grades like yours and that’s why she was married off.” Another time before I wrote my final exams, she said “I’ll find you a doctor husband because girls don’t work.”

I am so scared and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to leave Canada ! I know that we have to go to Paris, France first and I am going to make a run for it when we land, I have dual citizenship with France and my biological father lives in Paris. I haven’t even called my dad and told him what was going on because I’m going to break down in tears and my snitchy step-sister will tell my mom and step-dad on me. On tv and youtube I have seen so many documentaries about desi girls in forced marriages, I never knew that I was going to be one of those girls. Should I call the police before I leave ? or should I ask to go to the bathroom and run away ?

UPDATE: Thank you so so much for the advice ! I am going to make another post about my plan and escape to France. :)

RELEVANT COMMENT

supervacaneouss

Where in Canada are you located?

Edit: if you are anywhere in Ontario (or willing to travel) I can give you a safe place to stay. I even drive. I'm not sure when your departure date is but do not go. Pack as if you're happy you're traveling and run away. When you're far away from your mother and sister then you call your father. See what he says. If there is any ANY indication he is on your mom's side DO NOT GO. If he is willing to take you in, you should go see him alone. Do not tell your mom of your travel plans.

OOP

I am not in Ontario. I have called my father, my mom and step sister don't speak French so they didn't understand. My dad is a white French man and he is not on my mom's side !

~

Update 1 October 12, 2016 (Next day)

First of all, I can't thank you all enough for this advice and support, I'd send you all muffin baskets if I could.

It's the day after I found out about this forced marriage, it wasn't arranged because I haven't given my consent and there's no way in hell I want to marry some old fuck at 16. A lot has happened in the past 24 hours, I have called my dad, boyfriend, family members and trusted friends. My best friend has given me a pocket gps, and she said she will track my location and notify the police if I end up in Pakistan, but I have notified authorities. My dad was furious when I told him that my mom arranged a marriage for me. My boyfriends parents said they would help me if my mom drains my bank account, or if I was taken to Pakistan, they would go there and take me out of Pakistan.

I have printed off copies of my IDs and recent pictures, I have given them to my friends and family. I also told my principal. I started taking cash out of my bank account so my mom can't drain it. But I don't want it to look suspicious, so I'm going to take it out in medium amounts and then hide the money in my safe. My dad said he would help me open a bank account in France, but I'm sure you have to be over 18. I hid my French passport and other IDs in my safe. Another thing I've done is that I am packing my belongings like my clothes, albums, school transcripts, electronics, books etc in boxes and shipping them to my dad's address. I don't know what I'll do with the cash ! I have under $10,000 so I won't face a fine when at customs, but I'll have to declare it.

My mom has also told me she doesn't care where I go or what happens to me, I have hid at my friend's house for a week once after she slapped me for getting a 12/15 on a math test when I was in grade 7 and she didn't call once or anything. I am lucky that my friends let me stay with them. When my mom comes home, I'm going to tell her that I want to live with my dad. I don't know what her reaction will be, but I doubt she'll care. She cares more about my step dad and his kid from a previous marriage. If my mom and stepdad agree, I can have freedom ! no more islam or abuse at home. If they agree, I'm going to call my dad and tell him to buy the plane ticket so I can leave Canada and live in France.

I won't have a problem with immigration or anything because I have a French passport and I have mentioned that in the previous post. ☺️🇫🇷 I know my dad can convince my dad to give up her parental rights and let him have sole custody. I'm sure my mom will lose her parental rights to me because of emotional, physical and mental abuse and this forced marriage is going to bring her down lol. I also have screenshots of my mom's text messages about this marriage, I even have a voice recording as evidence. I am going to confront my mom and stepdad and tell them that I'm going to live with my biological dad tonight, I'll update you all on what happens after !

EDIT: Hey guys, about my dad. I actually grew up with a father for 13 years when I lived in France, I know my dad and I still see him 3-4 times a year even though my mom re-married and we moved to Canada.

Update2: The talk My mom and stepdad came home, I was going to do this confrontation alone and not have anyone there. As my "parents" sat down and asked me why I wanted to talk to them, I got nervous and started to panic ! I was going to change the subject and say something like "can I paint my walls purple ?" but then it hit me, I had to toughen up and tell them that I wanted to live with my dad and not with them. If I didn't tell them, I would've been married off and had my life ruined ! I was too scared to even call my neighbour or my friends mom for security.

I made my mom and stepdad sit down at the dinner table, I told them that I wanted to move to France and live with my dad. They started telling me that France was unsafe, that I was going to get shot. Then I told my mom that she always wanted me to die, lol. My stepdad said that Paris is dangerous and I told him about east vancouver, Surrey, Detroit, Compton, North Edmonton etc.

There was a lot of yelling but I told them that if they hated me so much, they should just give up their parental rights and let my biological father deal with me. There was a moment of silence, my stepdad decided to leave because he thought I was being crazy. My mom called me a disgrace to the family and I said in a very bitchy tone, "why don't you fucking return me to dad ! unlike you he actually cares about me, you fucking deplorable." My mom sighed and calmly replied "if that's what you want, I'll go make the arrangments. But you are making a huge mistake, and you'll regret it for the rest of your life."

The confrontation wasn't as violent as I thought it would be, I had a pocket knife for self defense because my parents have hit me before. It only lasted about 15 minutes ! I'm a bit sad because I thought my mom would try to negotiate with me, or ask me what she did that makes me want to live with my dad who lives in another fucking country ! it's not like my dad lives in a house across the street, or in the same city, he lives in another country and the fact that I have to move to another country for my safety, sanity, freedom and wellbeing sounds fucking crazy ! Instead she decided to terminate her parental rights and give me back to my dad. She just threw me away, she never tried to fix our relationship ! Most moms would fight, beg and plead with their last, dying breath for their kids to stay.

When I think about it, I am better off living with my dad, he actually cares and worries about my well being. I don't even think I should be sad, I mean I got what I wanted. I also realize that I'm so fortunate to have all these friends and family members who actually care and I have these nice strangers online who also gave me good advice ! :) I am better off than most girls in my situation, I mean I can run off to France and be safe there because I have a caring dad unlike most girls in my situation.

The only thing left in my room is my furniture, I packed my remaining belongings into a suitcase and I went to my friend's house. I have already cleared my closet and drawers, I put everything into a box and shipped it to my dad's address. (I don't have many heavy objects and there's a trick on folding clothes to save space. I can share the link, if you want.)

Timeline of events

5:00 - 5:15 PM

My parents came home, I confronted them.

5:20 - 5:40 PM

I ran faster than Usain Bolt to my room, opened my safe and shoved my money, debit cards, passport, ids and my emergency clothes and toiletries into a carry on suitcase. I texted my friend and asked her if I could stay with her and she said yes.

5:50 PM

My friend comes to pick me up and we drive to her house, luckily she lives far, far away from me. When I got to her house, her mom bought us 2 plane tickets to Vancouver. My friend is 18 and she could go as my guardian because I'm 16. The flight is 1 hours 35 minutes, the next flight to Paris and I'll be there at 8:35 AM.

6:45 PM

I called my mom and told her me and my friend were going to Halifax. (I didnt want her to chase me to Vancouver.) Then she said "have fun with that."

I'll be on the plane, but I'll keep journaling and I'll make more updates. Thank you all so so so much !

RELEVANT COMMENT

OmgItsTania

I'm really glad you've managed to get yourself out of what could have been a potentially disastrous situation! Your mother doesn't sound like she deserves to have a level headed daughter like you at all. And it is quite sad to see how she doesn't seem to care about the reasons why you're leaving either :/

I have one question though, are you absolutely sure your mum was actually arranging your marriage? In the first update she just said she didn't know what you should wear to "her" wedding, are you sure she didn't just mean some other relative's wedding?

OOP

I read my mom's text messages ! she told my aunt she arranged a marriage for me, yuck !

~

Update 2 October 12, 2016 (Same day)

Me and my friend went from where we live → Vancouver

Our next flight is from Vancouver → Paris

My friend and I jumped on the next flight to Vancouver ! Right now me and my friend are just waiting for our flight to Paris. My dad will pick me up at CDG airport and my friend will stay in Paris with me for emotional support. I felt bad because my friend had to come with me and abandon her normal routine, but she told me it was okay because she wanted to travel. She told me that she saved up money to travel but she didn't buy a ticket, so I guess I helped her jumpstart her goal to travel around Europe. Our flight to Vancouver was 1 hour and 35 ish minutes, I don't live far from BC lol. Our flight for Paris leaves the next day, so we decided to check into a hotel for the night.

I was scared when the plane took off, I'm not afraid of flying, I was afraid that my mom was going to call the police or try to track my location and that this would become a missing persons case. My friend reassured me that my mom was a shitty parent and that I was so so close to freedom. A couple minutes after the plane took off and I started thinking about my new life in France, I stopped thinking about my awful family and started thinking about how in 1- 2 days I would see my dad and I'd be free at last ! I'll be sitting in a French cafe reading a book, or strolling down the Champs-Élysées.

I was going back to the city of lights after 3 years of darkness ! the only problem I had was my french spelling and learning how to make friends in France. Another minor issue would be getting used to a new timezone and jetlag. I'm also going to miss my friends in Canada, they helped me a lot if it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be waiting for a flight to Paris. I'm also thankful for all the advice I got on reddit ! I finally got the courage to call my dad and read every post :) When I was 14, I wondered what would happen if I went to France and never returned. I was too scared to stay or even tell my mom and stepdad that I wanted to leave and go live with my dad.

I never knew that 2 years later I would be moving back to France, I thought that I would have to wait until my 18th birthday to leave ! I even got a part time job to save up for a plane ticket and to move out when I turned 18. After my mom told me that she would "make arrangements" last night, I saw it as my last chance to escape, before something bad happened. 😢 I don't know what they're capable of, I could've been killed, kidnapped etc who knows !

By the way :)

I speak fluent French, I need to work on my spelling because it's awful lol.
My mom is terminating her parental rights, my dad will get sole custody of me and my mom won't have access to me. I'm not sure how this parental right termination will work, but I know my mom is giving my dad sole custody.
I took all of my Ids and documents from my mom's house. As soon as I heard her talking about my marriage, I rummaged her room and I found a large file folder with my documents in them. To make it less suspicious, I shoved paper in the folder. My mom has a bunch of envelopes full of childhood pictures, I took them all out and placed sticky notes and cards into the envelopes. It may be illegal but it's petty compared to forcing a 16 year old into marrying a 40 year old !!!
I can still complete highschool this year and get my diploma. :)
My bank account has been cleared, there's only $45.79 in there now.
I have read my mom's textmessages, she was talking to my aunt about how she arranged a marriage for me. I took a picture of those messages with my phone, printed them off as evidence and sent them to my dad.

Also, if you're exmuslim and your family is like mine TELL SOMEONE ! tell your doctor, teachers, construction worker, employer, mailman, friends, neighbours etc. I'm not being biased but it's best to not tell anyone who is close to your parents ! I never told anyone who was Desi and muslim because my mom has bitch friends with snitchy kids who are desi and muslim. It's better to tell people who are non- muslim ! I told my friend in French class last year about what goes on at home, he said he was so sorry and said that he was there for me ! people actually care ! please tell someone !

Overall thank you all so so much for the support and the nice comments :) I'll get back to making another update in a couple weeks ! I'm going to be in France in 9 hours ish after I board the plane, then I can start my new life. Au revoir :)

RELEVANT COMMENT

NeoMarxismIsEvil

Sounds like good news. Nobody is trying to stalk and kill you, and you're free of forced marriage problems.

If you had not been eavesdropping on your mother how likely do you think it is that you could have actually ended up in Pakistan in a forced marriage? It sounds like you may have gotten kind of lucky that you learned of her plans before you got duped into getting on a plane.

I guess the moral of the story is, anyone who thinks they have a parent or parents who might try to dupe them into a trip to some place for a forced marriage probably need to be nosy about what they're up to.

OOP

I am very lucky that I have caring friends and a dad who knows my mom is CRAZY ! Before I travel, I let my friends know where I am and when I'll be back, if I don't show up for a while my friends will know somethings not right and they would call authorities.Also, I'm quite sneaky, I never trusted anyone in Pakistan and I would've hid my passport, cellphone and numbers to the French/Canadian embassy.

~

Update 3 November 26, 2016 (More than a month later)

So.. it’s been awhile since I’ve made an update here. I am now in France, away from my psychotic, narcissistic mom and step- dad. The friend who came with me has gone to Greece. I’ve been getting used to France again permanently before I used to visit my dad for a week or two and I’d just be a tourist but now I actually live here again and luckily I don’t have “Paris syndrome.” I can also still finish high school here, get my diploma and go to university but I want to take a gap year and I’m not sure if I want to stay in France for university. Also my mom’s parenting rights have been terminated, and she doesn’t have custody of me anymore phew.

I’m glad I’ll never have to see my shitty mom and stepdad ever again. I’m glad my dad isn’t Muslim, he saved me from being trapped in an Islamic shit hole country and being raped, abused by some 40 year old that my mom wanted to marry me off to. When the plane landed in Paris, I finally felt free and safe. I wasn’t in another country away from my mom and shitty stepdad. It’s funny how some of my classmates think that I’m on vacation because my friend posted a picture of her and I when we went to the Eiffel tower. Only two of my friends know what really happened but I know they wouldn’t tell anyone what happened. My first month here has been very weird.

My friend wanted to go sightseeing and I don’t blame her. It was fun showing my friend around Paris but I knew that I wasn’t a tourist anymore and that I now live in France, permanently. Overall, I’ve made friends and I was still in contact with some of my childhood friends. So yeah, I didn’t have that much culture shock or trouble adjusting. I’ve been studying French but my dad said that my French is fine.

My dad is mad at my mom for arranging a marriage. My dad told me I was a human being and not commodity to be sold to the highest bidder, and then he said my mom was a deplorable and a disgusting woman for whoring me out and planning to leave me in a country where I have no contacts and I don’t speak the language. I am much happier now because I’m the only child and I don’t have an annoying step - sister snitching on me to my parents, or going through my bedroom. Overall my life is better now because my mom is out of it and I want it to stay that way.

My dad got my mom’s parenting rights terminated and I think it’s amazing because now my mom can’t hurt me anymore. I’m not sure what I will study in University but I also want to do something to help other girls in my situation. I think I want to write a book one day about what happened to me, but I’d have to use a pen name.

But I feel so relieved that I don’t live with my mom anymore. I have less acne and I lost weight because I don’t have to hide my double life from her anymore. My dad and I went through my childhood pictures and we cut my mom out of those pictures. Some karma and legal justice, my dad doesn’t have to send child support to my mom anymore and now my mom and step- dad can’t spend $ a month on useless stuff anymore. Now they are fucked ! I am just really happy that I have a white, non- Muslim dad who doesn’t care if I hang out with my friends or if I fail one, small meaningless test.

I can actually be a teenager now, also I don’t have to go back to Pakistan ever again which is great. But I’m glad I found this subreddit, you guys helped me a lot. Thank you so much.

RELEVANT COMMENT

[deleted]

I followed your story on this subreddit.

I'm super glad that things have worked out for you. Please keep safe though - you are still very young and shit happens even in civilized places like France.

Also you should pay some attention to your studies :) Not for your parents but for yourself. Not to please anyone but to satisfy your curiosity about the world. Learning is fun if you do it for the right reasons.

I encourage you to start writing down your thoughts and your memories. Who knows if you are a good writer some day you might create something like the "Anne Frank Diary" (but without the tragic ending). I will definitely buy a copy if you do :)

OOP

True, I like learning but sometimes I fail in Math or Chemistry, lol. I have been writing daily ever since I was 15. If I do write a book, I'll send it to you for free. :)

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is BestEver2003. They posted in r/LegalAdviceUK

Thanks to u/anicole325 for the rec! Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old- there is not a newer update than that. This has not been posted on this sub before. This sub has a 7 day waiting period to prevent brigading.

Mood Spoiler: good ending

Original Post: April 23, 2025

Title: I just got home to find a car parked on my drive plugged into my car charger? What can I do and should I talk to the police?

As the title says, I'm just back from a weekend away, and when we got home, we found a car on our drive plugged into our car charger. The outside gates have been opened to allow access, and the car seems to have been there for less than an hour and is on about 8% according to the charger. I've switched the charger off at the wall, so no more free electricity for them and their charger cable is now locked to the box (default behaviour when there is no power) and locked the gates shut.

Do I report this to the police as theft, and what will they do? I know if they want to leave, I must release the gates (I've locked them to make sure they don't try to drive off). Can I leave the power off on the charger and hold the charging cable to ransom, assuming they can disconnect when there is no power?

UK, Cambridge

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter (heavily downvoted): Your best bet would be to disconnect the charger and leave gates open.

There's a small theft element here, but the amount is really too low for either civil or criminal action

OOP: It's the principle of the thing. I'm having to use a prepay parking ticket on my car so I can park down the road while they are merrily off shopping or whatever they are doing, thinking I'm charging their car. I assume if I leave them locked in, the police would come out and I would have to release them, which is fine, or I could just go out and leave them stranded. I'm just really annoyed and left wondering if they have done this before?

Commenter: I understand. The issue I would be more concerned with is that this person knows where you live; and even if there's no immediate reaction - you may face issues down the line that will ultimately cost you more.

Purely practical.

Legally you are currently fine. And yes you'd have to release them when they returned

OOP: I'm 205cm tall and built like Georges-Henri Colombe - Happy for them to try to cause bother, and int he mood I'm currently in I hope they don't arrive soon. I think I'll talk to them through the doorbell camera and get them to call the police.

Could this be a repeat offender:

That was my worry. The house is often left during the day, 0800-1800, as I am out working. Do they do this regularly? I am going to put some security on the charger (if it's possible to do so) and check the doorbell camera, though that doesn't show the driveway very well.

Commenter: Unplug it. Do not just turn it of because it might lock the charger to the car and that's not something you want to do. You can report it as theft but the police will most likely do nothing.

In the future -

Some chargers allow you to set a pin.

Or get a lock for it.

OOP: The cable is already switched off at the wall, so it is trapped.

Commenter: You might want to release it from the thief's car asap. They might brake your charger lead when they decide to remove it with force.

OOP: Then the insurance company for the car will need to pay for a new one, which we need anyway. It's not like they can exit without calling at the house, plus it would be criminal damage. I've put the dog cam on the garage window so it's all recorded anyway now.

Commenter: NLA so it'll probably be removed but can you set your charger only to work if approved? For example I have to approve each plugin through the Ohme app and the controls on the charger itself are locked until that point.

OOP: We are planning to upgrade the charger; this one is a really old Ohme one that was in when we moved in and needs to be changed anyway. We've not found a way to do anything but a 100% charge from it.

Top Comment:

JJB525: Contact the police and report it as Theft. It’s that simple, record the registration mark and take a picture of the visible VIN to negate any attempt for them to say their plate was cloned.

S13 Theft Act 1968:

“Abstracting of electricity.

A person who dishonestly uses without due authority, or dishonestly causes to be wasted or diverted, any electricity shall on conviction on indictment be liable to imprisonment for a term not exceeding five years.”

Update Post: April 24, 2025 (Next Day)

I don't know if this is allowed on this thread, but as so many people have DM'ed me for an update, here it is.

The car was still there when I left for work this morning. According to the two cameras, the owner returned at about 2350 but after checking the locked gate and the charger, left without ringing the doorbell.

I got a call this morning from my neighbours telling me that someone was using a cutting tool on the gate and that they had called the police. I went home and found the police, my neighbour and the car's owner on my drive.

He was in his 50s and seemed to be some sort of businessman. He told the police he had been staying at the hotel just around the corner and that one of the hotel staff had told him that there was a charger in my drive he could use. Our house was empty for 6 months prior to us moving in, so perhaps they had been using it for guests for some time.

The owner was very upset that I had locked them in, but the police kept everything calm.

On inspection, they had already damaged the charger to retrieve their cable, and even though they denied this, it was clear from the dog cam footage that they did it. They had also damaged the gate quite badly while trying to open it.

Upshot is that they were arrested for criminal damage to the gate and charger, and the police are arranging for their car to be removed as it has no charge, so it cannot be driven off.

I'm off to have a serious conversation with the hotel manager and chase up the new charger as ours is now broken.

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: I’m quite surprised (but happy) there was no mention from the police about you locking the gate. Was there ?

Anyway , staying tuned for Part 3 - The hotel

OOP: The police officer was quite happy that it was lawful to close and lock the gate, even though the owner said he'd sue me. The hotel manager and I had a chat over lunch, he thinks its bullshit but will remind his staff and they have booted the guest out of the hotel. [editor's note- bolding my own because people missed this]

Commenter: Did they use any of your electricity? I would have thought that would be theft if they did. Otherwise the police seem to have everything in hand. If the guy broke the charger then you should see the police and pursue him for the funds to fix it. [...]

OOP: The police officer asked how much I thought they had stolen, so when I said maybe £1, they asked if I would be OK just dropping that. They are coming back later to take a statement, so I'll ask them then.

Commenter: Wow. Was the man in any way shape or form apologetic to you? Also what an absolute idiot to just accept the word of the hotel to park on a random driveway & steal electricity from a private residence

OOP: No apology but he'd already been arrested at that point so was off the scale annoyed.

Commenter: An annoying, but satisfying outcome.

I wonder if you can claim the damages from the car owners car insurance? Otherwise you would be looking at a civil claim to resolve.

OOP: Spoke to my house insurers who said to put in a claim and they would deal with it, police also said they would look for a 'costs order' to compensate us.

Commenter: Love this! Absolutely delighted that police attended, caught the dickhead, and arrested him. That’s such a result.

Have fun suing him for the damage to your gate and charger.

OOP: That will be our insurance company, as they are taking it over from here.

Commenter: Hey OP, If the Hotel has been recommending people to use your charger before you moved in, could there not be possible issues with the energy usage documented by the previous owner and the meter reading you (hopefully) document when you moved in?

If so, who would the energy company come after as there would definitely be an issue if several cars have used it over a 6 month period?

OOP: We had the meter readings done when we moved in, and for most of the time, the space has had a car or a skip in it. I've not noticed anything untoward on the Octopus app in terms of usage, so I think this is the first time it has happened since we took it over.
I get free charging at work, so don't often plug my car in, and BF doesn't have an EV yet.

Again, this has not been posted on this sub before. This hit the front page of reddit and has probably been posted on one of the other repost subs. This sub has a 7 day waiting period. It has been 7 days. It has not been posted here before.

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is Princemerkimer. They posted in r/Advice

Thanks to u/anicole325 and u/BakingGiraffeBakes for the rec! Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is 7 days old- this has not been posted in this sub before. This sub has a 7 day waiting period.

Mood Spoiler: happy ending!

Original Post: April 1, 2025

Title: I let a bar in my town borrow two pieces of my art and when I went to pick them up the owner said he didnt know what happened to them and that its likely they were stolen. Any advice?

So the title sums it up fairly well. Ive struggled for years to get my art into local galleries around town but the financial strain of submission fees has made it almost impossible. So I stupidly let a bar / restaurant owner borrow my art for their wall. This was a little less than a year ago after they saw it on display at a vendor market we hosted on the pavement outside the establishment.

The owner really liked my stuff and wanted to put it up but he didnt want to buy it (i know, it was stupid- but i had been drinking that day and was desperate for someone to enjoy my art at the time). Anyway- fast forward to now. I went to the bar with a few friends the other day and noticed that my art wasn't where it normally was- saw the owner there and my buddy is good friends with him so we went up and asked about it. He basically said that he didnt even notice they were gone… when I described the pieces he essentially said “oh yeah i love those paintings- yeah they were probably stolen idk” ( paraphrasing here).

I told him how important they were to me and he was unapologetic about the whole affair. When I tried to make a deal with him he appreciated my gumption to ask but was uninterested in making it right.

Is there anything at all that i can do? Or am i screwed and these paintings gone forever. Would love some advice on this.

Super worried someone in town snatched and destroyed one or both. For context: I live in a pretty religious town and one of the paintings was a gay couple.

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: Oh, I wanted to add that I believe borrowing is different than showing. If they asked to hang it then I think they should pay a fair price. I would advise that you don’t burn your bridges if you see interactions with them in the future. Maybe a sweet credit for the bar would work for both parties? Could be interesting.

OOP: Yeah i asked him if he would be down to repay me with beer credits or something similar but he didnt seem interested ☠️

Commenter: Do you have pictures of them? I’d post something to a local FB page and tag the bar saying they were stolen and you’d like them returned. A little public shaming might help things along.

OOP: Yeah i have done this and i have a bunch of friends who are also friends with the bar owner reposting my pics - thanks for the advice !

Commenter: So quite often in bars I will actually see art for sale. There'll be a little pricetag on it.

You should pop on by and see if any of the current art is for sale. My guess is it was a cash-deal.

OOP: Yeah his co owner was supposed to email me to set up a sale price and stuff like that- he never emailed me. So thats another L for me

The timeline:

Yeah im pretty sure it was about a year.
New Comment:
I had been to the bar a bunch of times and even took some people to check out my art and they were always hanging up until now

Commenter: Don’t do that again without a paper-trail and appraisal for amt in case something like this happened. I’m a low risk high reward betting man. And if I had the chance to bet on this I absolutely would. Their hanging in his house , or vacation home or kids home. A business owner. That’s survived for sometime is rarely that much of an airhead he knows where everything came from and where it all went

OOP: Yeah i agree with you- this guy is co-owners with his brother and they own like 4 or 5 businesses in my town 🙄 i know hes not an idiot- he was definitely giving me the run around

Update Post: April 24, 2025 (23 days later)

So i recommend checking out my previous post from r/advice for the original story. Lots of comments saying the situation was a lost cause and to chalk it up to a good life lesson. Well.. we'll see how lost this cause is.

I know someone with experience dealing with the law so they helped me take the next step after I read and considered all the comments on my last post. I went to the bar and talked to one of the bartenders who knows me and asked if they knew anything about the paintings- they said “no, i have no idea what happened to them but we all loved them they were amazing, i didnt know you were such a good artist”. I resisted rolling my eyes at the flattery but moving on-

I asked if the owner was there and they said yep he's sitting inside- sooo i went and spoke with the owner about whether he had checked the storage rooms for the paintings like he promised and he said that they weren't in there. What the owner didnt know is i had a letter in my pocket for them that basically laid down an ultimatum. Pay me for the lost / stolen paintings or return them by a set date.

Well i was nerve-wracked the whole weekend after hand delivering that letter. This dude and his brother run about 4 restaurants in my town so theyre no slouch when it comes to business dealings and needless to say, i was full of anxiety.

On tuesday the 23rd, i got a text from the owner's brother saying, and i quote, “We have your paintings on site. They were put in storage as we were decorating for the holidays.”

Hmmmm very convenient.

I was so excited when i got this text tho. The owner had me convinced they were stolen, mind you. So to know they were safe and sound (despite being lied to - to my face) I was ecstatic.

I went Wednesday to pick them up from the restaurant and when i went to talk to the bartender (a different one than the previously mentioned one) they said something along the lines of “i saw your friends post about them being missing and i was like- thats weird theyre right here in the storage room”.

I played along to be polite cause i still didnt have the paintings in hand yet. But my gut knew the whole staff was in on this BS. Every single person's story has been different so far.

Long story short- i have my paintings back. Ive lost all respect for one of my favorite bars and have learned a valuable lesson about getting everything in writing. To the nay-sayers who told me i had no legal recourse, i hope you all have learned a valuable lesson as well. Your property, is your property. Period.

To all the people who encouraged me to go legal, i salute you. I didnt have to go to court or go to the police but this letter definitely scared the shit out of these dudes.

Thanks everyone for commenting on my last post and hope you all rest easy knowing the paintings are home now lmaoo

Edit: linked pics of the artworks in the comments for those interested

Edit 2: i was at work and wasnt thinking straight - linking the paintings here now cause my brain works again lol

Painting 1

Painting 2

Thanks for all the comments 🍻

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: Next time, have a signed contract with the business, stating the value and that their insurance is liable for loss, theft or damage.

OOP: Yes i got a lot of these comments on the other post - lesson learned

Commenter: Awesome!!! Now make sure you let local artists know if they are dealing with anyone from their several businesses to have a good contract so their work doesn't get "stolen by customers" or "misplaced".

OOP: Definitely will! Thanks for the comment 🍻

Commenter: Kinda just sounds like the owner didn't know where they were because they had been moved by someone without any communication. Jumping to the conclusion that being told something false means you were intentionally lied to seems like a leap of bad faith.

OOP: Idk the stories just didnt add up in the moment- its possible that it was all a misunderstanding.. but my gut tells me otherwise. The very first thing the owner told me was that they were most likely stolen- not "maybe theyre in storage". I was getting a lot of red flags all thru the original conversation

Commenter: May I ask, was the letter from a lawyer? What was the gist?

OOP: The gist was basically if i dont get these paintings or money by a set date then we gonna have a problem

Commenter: Could you go into the backstory/inspiration behind these paintings?

OOP: The kiss is really dorky but im a huge fan of an old show from the 60s called the Time Tunnel. The main characters get lost in time together and .. need i say more? I painted it to symbolize that feeling of resilience gay people needed to have in that era (and today tbh)
The other was an angsty self portrait i painted while working thru some stuff lol not a whole lot to go into on that one 😅
Thanks so much for your interest 🙏

I am NOT OP. The OP of this story is u/tm16801.

Trigger Warnings: Potential Sexual Assault, Accusations of Cheating.

Mood Spoiler: It's complicated, but things are getting better.

Boyfriend of 3 years blacked out and cheated on me and told me and I don’t know what to do., Posted July 12th, 2020.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years now and we have always communicated and trusted each other and have thought we were endgame. Our arguments are short and usually just us explaining why we are upset about something and work to address it together.

He’s had problems with drinking and done a lot of dumb things (not to hurt me but around his friends) when he’s blacked out before and they usually just find it funny. Usually when he drinks he doesn’t have a limit to know when to stop himself and I used to be fine with it bc he wasn’t aggressive or mean to me but noticed it was getting worse. Currently I’m across the country and we haven’t seen each other in 4 months bc of COVID.

My bf called me sobbing and said that he needed to tell me that last month he got extremely drunk and doesn’t remember anything that happened except the very start but thinks he slept with a girl he knew in HS when they were catching up. He said he wanted to tell me in person but didn’t want to spring it on me right when I get back, and says he doesn’t know why he did it he was just out of control drunk and admitted he has an issue with drinking.

I’m still processing how to even feel and I can’t figure out what to do. I respect the fact that he told me even though I would have never found out, and he’s getting tested. If we were to stay together I’d want him to stop drinking completely but is that enough? Can a relationship work after he does something like this? Can trust be rebuilt?

Please give advice I’m so confused and hurt and aside from this our relationship has been incredible and I thought he was the one.

Relevant Comments:

I know this sounds off topic but does anyone else find this friend of his creepy for taking advantage of a black out drunk person?

Thank you for this input because I was thinking about this too. I asked him today and he said she was supposed to be DD for her and a friend but changed her mind late in the night and was definitely less drunk and was the one who initiated. But he said he still doesn’t want me blaming her because he still had an active role in it

UPDATE: BF(22M) of 3 years blacked out and cheated on me(21F) and told me and I don’t know what to do, Posted February 20th, 2025.

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/mHU9QwDDbe

Hey all - it’s been a really really long time since this post, and I haven’t ever given an update. Figured I’d post if anyone was ever in a situation like this and wanted to know how it turned out. We are now 4 years past this incident, and have worked through this together.

So. What happened after this post? He owned up to his mistake. Without me telling him what I wanted him to do, he looked up online what he could do to build back trust. He offered to stop drinking, and found a therapist for himself that specialized in alcohol addiction and relationships. He also suggested couples counseling, and asked if I’d be willing to go with him, but that he would fully cover the costs of the therapy.

In the original post, many asked about if it was consensual. The answer: it’s mixed territory. He had a short memory (black-in?) of being willingly involved with her. As I requested, he called the girl to find out what actually happened. She was more sober than him during this night, and she said that they couldn’t have sex bc of whiskey dick and then out of nowhere he got up and ran out of the room. She got up to follow him and found him knocked out in bed. Once she gave him details, he told her their friendship was over and he was deleting her number from everywhere to focus on fixing his relationship with me, and building trust back.

He still doesn’t know if what she told him is fully true or not, and he would get upset and question it a lot, saying he wanted me to know the complete truth for us to heal but he can’t tell what is real and what isn’t. His therapist told him your mind can play tricks on you when trying to remember pieces of a blackout.

Our couples therapist has been incredible. She has helped strengthen our relationship and took no bullshitting. We built back trust by discussing the hurt & things we could do to feel more comfortable when he goes out with friends. We discussed the idea of “requests” instead of “rules”, as purely controlling someone else can turn into resentment. Phones are not off limits - we have each others passwords. At the start of finding out, we would go through texts and DMs together at my request, and we still do not hide incoming messages from each other (not that we ever did) prior.

It’s been 4 years since this, and while it’s a scar in the relationship, I see him as a man always willing to put in the work in our relationship and in life to make things right. He knew that I never would have found out if he didn’t tell me, but he knew I deserved the truth. If I were to bring the issue up today, he will still acknowledge the pain he caused, apologize for it, and give reassurance to me in whatever way I requested - whether it’s looking at his phone or talking through anything that is a trigger for me, or setting up a call with our therapist.

In some ways, this issue forced us to both mature to make the relationship work. Previously in the relationship, we loved to go out and drink excessively. At frat parties I would also seek out as much alcohol as I could to numb myself, and would yell at him at 3am in an empty frat basement when he was tired and wanted to go to sleep, because I wanted to keep partying. After this incident happened, we realized we were no longer college kids that partied and fought when drunk, and if we wanted to progress our relationship in a healthy way, we both needed to learn how. Counseling helped us become even stronger as a unit. Humans are far from perfect - they make mistakes. But humans are also capable of growing and changing, when they are fully willing to put in the work.

If you are in this situation, the most important thing is how the person owns up to their mistakes and makes active changes to do better.

Relevant Comments:

Looking through the top comments on your original post, it's clear that this sub has gotten a lot more judgmental and less forgiving in the last five years. Today, your post would receive a tsunami of "dump him, once a cheater always a cheater, alcohol doesn't make any difference.

True. Honestly even at the time I was kinda surprised that people were more positive on the post because I had seen so many that were negative. I was expecting people to immediately go “fuck that guy”.

He also felt so much extra guilt because he was looking through posts to try to find out how to be worthy of forgiveness, and there are so many people that claim once a guy cheats they’re trash and unworthy of any type of redemption. It took him a long time to be able to forgive himself as well.

You can forgive a person. And still choose to leave. Forgiveness does not mean you have to stay in the same situation.

Spending years 'checking your partners phone' living with anxiety.. hoping they're not going to do it again, requiring reassurance, working through therapy, crying.. straining your mental health, sometimes even having panic attacks.

No thank you. I choose forgive. But I do not choose to forget. I have enough self love and self respect to understand where my own boundaries are. I choose not to spend the rest of my life with a person who so carelessly would throw those to the side.

OK, so slightly rephrase my previous statement… I've never understood the idea that forgiving and deciding to give someone a second chance is at odds with having self-respect.

I just think it's a bit of poor form to come onto someone else's positive post about how things worked out well for them and imply she lacked self-respect because she didn't leave. And make no mistake, that's exactly what your comment comes across as.

I'm sorry but I don't see this as a 'positive post'. I see a disfunctional relationship that resulted in cheating, and has now resulted in a battle to stay together by scheduling counseling when they need to, checking mobile phones when they need to and recieving reassurance when they need it.

This doesn't sound like a victory dance to me. It sounds like co-dependence and a lot of tears.

Edit:

"Prior to this, our relationship was healthy

frat parties I would also seek out as much alcohol as I could to numb myself, and would yell at him at 3am in an empty frat basement when he was tired and wanted to go to sleep, because I wanted to keep partying. After this incident happened, we realized we were no longer college kids that partied and fought when drunk"

So which part was healthy prior to the cheating? The fighting at 3am? The drinking into oblivion?

That’s a big stretch there. Prior to this, our relationship was healthy, but we were also college kids that enjoyed to go out partying and drinking very heavily. That comes with consequences - health, friendships, relationships, school, etc. the only arguments we ever had (not many, but they did happen) were when we were very drunk. Once we started to grow up and experience our twenties (26 now), we matured enough together to realize we needed to make changes if we wanted to be better. I checked his phone maybe twice? The rest of the time now I just have his password, so if he wants me to text his friends when he’s driving, or do something when my phone is out of reach, I can.

Also - couples therapy isn’t bad at all. Therapy is a great tool for individuals to overcome trauma & issues, couples therapy is a great tool for two individuals to learn to handle these issues better together, as they aren’t in your mind and don’t know what you’re going through.

Not sure how to feel about this really. Only been black out drunk once. Didnt remember anything from after a certain point until waking up in my wifes bed, naked, with no idea how I got there or why I was naked.

So I guess idk how to really feel about calling it cheating...

Yeah, I feel the same way. Depending on who I talk to, people have different takes on it, including therapists. Cheating? SA? Some middle territory? In terms of couples therapy we mainly spoke about it as a break of trust and where to go from there.

Blackouts are scary when really thinking about it- you can act completely different and have no recollection of behavior.

Not to go all whataboutism or anything, but the guy was blacked out and taken advantage of when too drunk to consent. Alcohol issues? Yes. Cheating? Eh, if you count SA as cheating, then I guess so, but come on, the guy was assaulted and on top of that has to be the one to pick up the pieces of it in his relationship? I hope for his sake that therapy was focussing on helping him process it too, and not just about him being a dirty cheating liar or something

Yeah, I do agree. The incident at hand was extremely complex. It’s considered SA because if you’re drunk, you can’t consent, even though he didn’t say no& he partook. But also he can’t really remember most of it because he was blacked out. At the same time that doesn’t excuse someone in a monogamous relationship from having multiple drunk hookups and claiming it isn’t cheating as a result. In therapy we talked about it as a breach of trust, and where to go from there. That this was the only time I’d be willing to move on from this & if something like this ever happened again, I’d be done. This included a lot of discussions mainly around alcohol, as I truly believe this never would have happened sober.

This seems like one of the only cases where I could see the "cheating" be logically termed as a "mistake" in some way. Somehow, from his subsequent actions, he doesn't sound like a guy who would have consciously cheated on you otherwise...and he does seem serious about fixing it. But do ensure he has enough sense of responsibility to not get black-out drunk like that. Things far worse could happen in such situations.

Yeah I agree with you. Had his response been “it’s not a big deal”, or he hadn’t taken any actual accountability, that would have been the end of it for me. But he was fully willing to take any and all leaps to be forgiven. It definitely could have been much worse. From this, we are a lot more careful about who we go out with & having our guards up. If we are in a safe environment with close friends, we are able to let loose more, but if it’s with acquaintances we are a lot more cautious and make sure to check in with each other more often.

So much drama for such a young couple and relationship was also not that long.. Most ppl wouldn’t want to go through all that drama and just start new. But hey OP seems to want it so, good luck with healing!

I can understand your point of view, I was very mixed at the time on how I wanted to proceed. My take on it is that every long lasting relationship is going to go through some high highs, and low lows. Both of you are going to fuck up at times, and you’ll need to know how each of you respond to it. Now I know his behavior after making a big mistake & the proactive steps he takes to prevent it from happening again.

Reminder - I am not OP.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Remarkable-Rust-230

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Previous BoRUs: 1

[New Update]: AITAH for not rescheduling my wedding after my sister was widowed?

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: death of a loved one, possibly struggles with grief

Mood Spoilers: sad, but happy at the end

RECAP

Original Post: March 27, 2025

I (34M) am supposed to get married next month. Now I'm not sure it's going to happen.

My partner's sister (35F) was widowed last month. I've gotten a front row seat of how it has rocked my soon to be in-laws. Everyone has really tried going above and beyond for his sister, making sure she's as comfortable as possible. And I truly can't imagine, you know? You'd probably have to institutionalize me if something happened to my boy.

My partner's mom came to him a few days ago and asked if he would consider postponing the wedding. She said they would cover all the lost money, would help us re-plan, etc. Apparently his sister has said there's no way she can attend the wedding, and his mom knew how important it was to him to have her there, so she just wanted to offer an alternative plan.

I'm not very sentimental, but my partner is. Our wedding was planned for the 10 year anniversary of when we met. That's something that meant a lot to him, which makes it mean a lot to me, too.

I'm trying to be sympathetic, but I'm just fucking raging. I can't help it. My emotions aren't allowing me to be objective. I know his mom came to him in good faith, but it makes me so angry to think about this being put on his shoulders a month before our wedding. He was so excited. And now I'm worried that if we don't reschedule, he's just going to be in his head the whole time, feeling guilty and unable to fully enjoy himself.

I know his sister is hurting. I'm trying my absolute hardest not to piss off the family that is soon to be mine, one that's already mine in a lot of ways. Still, I'm so mad. I'd appreciate some objective POVs.

EDIT: Getting lots of shes and hers in and comments. I’m a man. Doesn’t having much weight in the story, just wanted to clear it up.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received mixed reactions

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: This sounds like something you should discuss with your partner not random people on the internet. Until you do you don’t actually know how he feels. Whatever you decide together is the right decision for you as a couple. Just understand that there may be consequences with familial relationships depending on the choice you make.

OOP: We’ve talked and he’s torn. I’m trying to follow his lead because this impacts him more than me.

But I’m just so frustrated. Never at him, but them for putting him in his position, by putting this weight on his shoulders. Planning has been a lot of work, but it’s exciting because we know what’s coming. Now we either have to do it for a second time, rebooking everything without that same excitement, or we have a wedding where no matter how good my partner feels, there will be guilt and sadness thrown in too. It’s unfair.

I’m half inclined to agree to cancel it all and elope. No distractions, just us.

Commenter 2: Cancel, get the money back from the in laws. Elope to somewhere fantastic. Throw a KILLER first anniversary party.

OOP: I’m open to this. I’ve always been indifferent to a big wedding. That’s why I’m so focused on my husband’s feelings throughout all of this. This is his baby. I just want to see him so, so happy.

I’ll talk to him about it. As long as he’s satisfied, I am. And I guess there is an asshole part of me that’s still frustrated with how long we spent planning only to have it thrown away, but that’s something I’m trying to work on. Being flexible isn’t always my strong suit.

Downvoted Commenter: Yea YTA. Do you have no empathy/sympathy? While I understand you have a wedding with a lot of expenses. This is a situation where you make the best of it as it wasn’t intentional. Harboring resentment over something like this is WILD.

OOP: Of course I have sympathy for them. I hate that any of this happened. Her husband was a good man.

It’s not about the expenses. I’m frustrated because my priority, my partner, is being put in a really shitty position. I’m more mad at the world than at his family. I just know how much this means to him. Like, that’s my guy. My other half. I hate knowing he has to make this decision, I hate that he’s going to feel selfish and weird about going through with something he’s put his time/effort/heart into. It all fucking blows.

OOP on if his in-laws really like him

OOP: My soon to be mother-in-law and I are really close. There have been circumstances in my life that have made me really wary of parental figures, but I trust her completely. That’s why I know she made the offer with good intentions.

OOP should consider on working things out with his fiance to figure out what steps to take and have grace for his SIL and MIL, especially his partner on the family tragedy

OOP: I appreciate the perspective.

Taking care of my fiancé feels like the easiest thing in the world. It always has. Taking care of other people doesn’t come quite so naturally. For a large portion of my teens and early 20s, I was pretty isolated. Being by myself was something of a survival mechanism back then. And then I met him. I was kind of like the human embodiment of a one-human pet who loves one person and reluctantly puts up with everyone else.

I’ve grown up a lot in the decade I’ve known him. His family has been really good to me. But I think in times like these, when I’m scared and angry and sad, I go back to my one-human stray cat mode.

Hoping that made even the tiniest semblance of sense. Not sure why all these animal analogies are coming out in my comments either.

The point is, sometimes I’m not great at big picture. I can’t imagine what it would be like in her shoes, having to go on with the knowledge of so many unlived moments. I’m not trying to be unempathetic at all. I’m just trying to juggle a lot right now.

OOP on his fiance making decisions regarding the wedding and how he is supporting him

OOP: My fiancé is going to make a decision over the next coming days, and I’m going to support whatever he chooses. This would be suuuper nice though. I would love two weeks far, far away from everyone in the world besides him.

Thank you for the kind comments, they mean a lot. I love him in a way I wish I could tell 15 year old me about to give old me some hope. I would do any number of ridiculous things to make him happy. He’s the kindest, sweetest person. Gentle and warm. I learn so much from him. :)

Update: April 13, 2025 (2.5 weeks later)

I'm a married man. :)

I let my husband take the lead on making the decisions here and let him know I would support whatever he chose. After some discussion, we decided to cancel the wedding and elope instead. My husband said he wouldn't feel right, gathering all his family and our friends without his sister present, but it was still very important to him that we got married on the date we first met.

It was perfect. It was exactly the right choice. It was quiet and intimate and us. There's nothing in the world I love more than seeing him smile, and he was stuck in perpetual :D mode. I was so worried if we had the wedding, I would look over and see him looking anything less than thrilled because it wasn't how he envisioned it without his sister there. I think the complete change in expectation made it easier for him to let go. Again: exactly the right choice. We're on cloud nine.

In the lead up, there was a lot of calling vendors, friends, and family to let them know we were cancelling. It was very short notice and we weren't rescheduling anything, so we lost all of our deposits. Our loved ones were really understanding of our decision, at least over the phone. We had very few people flying in, only three friends, and his mom agreed to cover their flights as well.

Finally, to address my anger. Most of it was directed towards the universe, but I'll admit that I was mad at my mother-in-law. Discussions about our wedding and his sister's grief were ones we were already having. Still, a third party coming to him and making this request felt cruel, in the moment. It felt like a guilt trip, like unnecessary pressure on my husband when he was already having to make these decisions anyway. We eventually made the choice we wanted to make, but he did tell me at one point he didn't want his mom to think he was heartless if we had the wedding without his sister.

Emotions were running high for everyone. I don't think his mom would ever think he's heartless. I know no one was out to get us. His mom was doing her best to make the day comfortable for everyone and navigating that is basically impossible. Still, I'm not sorry for my anger. And maybe that still makes me the asshole, but I'll be the asshole who loves his husband and puts him first in every situation.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Congratulations to both! 🍻 to a lifetime of happiness !

OOP: Thank you (and all the other commenters sending congratulations!)

I feel so lucky. Peace was something that didn’t exist for me for most of my life, particularly in my late teens/early 20s. Then he came along and changed everything. 🤍

Commenter 2: Does the family know yet 👀

OOP: Nope. We’ve been in a hotel suite having a little staycation all weekend, so neither of us have been on our phones much at all. My mind has just been on him, haha.

Commenter 3: NTA. You put your husband first, made a kind choice, and handled it with love. Congrats on your marriage!

----NEW UPDATE----

Update #2: April 24, 2025

I wanted to give one last update just answering some final questions that people had.

My MIL did make good on her promise to cover costs. She reimbursed 3 friends of ours for their flights, and us for all the money we lost in deposits.

She is also now aware that we’re married. My husband went over to help her with something and she noticed his ring. I wasn’t there, so this is a secondhand account from him. She was apparently a little annoyed and talked about how much she wanted to be there and that cancelling didn’t mean we had to still run out and get married, especially without telling her. My husband said he was firm in letting her know that we appreciated her reimbursing us, but that our wedding wasn’t something she could just place continuous demands on.

The only person he has trouble standing up to is his mom, and he said “I was thinking the whole time about how you’d be proud of me.” And I am so proud of him! It's probably best I wasn't there. He handled it and there was no risk of me running my mouth.

SIL still doesn't know. She's, understandably, not doing great right now. Neither of us have seen her for a couple weeks now but my husband tries to get her on the phone at least once every few days.

Will we reschedule? I'm letting my husband have the final say with this. Recently we've been leaning towards an extended honeymoon instead.

And finally, am I a sociopath? This question wasn’t posed directly to me, but was being discussed on a different subreddit, along with speculations about my family life and comments wondering why I didn't mention my husband's reaction to the death.

I can put the sociopath rumors to rest — I have a lot of very intense feelings, which is pretty antithetical to the whole concept. It is true my home life wasn't safe or happy, though. I feel like I've made that pretty clear without diving into details. Being gay and being “raised” by small-minded people is rough. I was in therapy for years. So yeah, I'm not great at extended family dynamics. I try. My husband understands. That man has met me where I'm at so many times and I'm so grateful. Oh, I looooooove him. Being treated gently after never having experienced that before was (and still is) life altering.

I didn't come here to discuss anyone's grief in detail. I still won't be doing that. It's not necessary and it's very personal. These posts were about rescheduling the wedding and that question has been answered.

Thank you for all the advice given and all the kind words. It really helped me figure out a solution and feel my emotions without burdening those close to me with them.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: NTA

An extended honeymoon sounds like a really lovely idea, and for what it's worth, I really don't think you are a sociopath for wanting to go through with the wedding.

If you had demanded she attend your wedding and made a huge fuss about her not going, THAT would have been sociopathic.

But that wasn't what you were doing.

Take a long honeymoon. Focus on you two and let this all be a reminder to enjoy each other as much as you can while you have each other.

Maybe also send SiL some flowers or a care basket so she knows you are thinking about her? Get her a little something special while overseas so she has something to cheer her up when you guys come back?

OOP: My husband is happy with sight-seeing or being the person who rots on a lounge chair in a resort, he’s up for either. And usually I’m anti-resort but now I’m considering how nice it would be to just take two/three weeks and relax.

The ultimate dream is Scotland for me. The photos make it look so beautiful… but I’m thinking maybe we save Scotland for a regular vacation and stick to something less busy for the honeymoon. I don’t want to go somewhere where we’ll regret just staying in our room for a few days out of the trip, you know? Euro locations have so much to do and see that we’ll want to be out every single day vs a resort, I will happily lock myself away for a while, haha.

If anyone has any recommendations, feel free to drop them. Adult-only + privacy are both really important to us. We’ve been looking into Serenity at Coconut Bay in St. Lucia but we’re very much still just discussing and dreaming right now.

Commenter 2: I'm really confused why anyone would think you were a sociopath, that seems a bit... much.

OOP: It was a bit much. It’s actually a pretty long comment. You can read it here.

One part says, “And it feels like OOP is deciding that this date is so very important to his husband, without ever really talking to the man.” That’s not even being uncharitable about the situation, that’s just completely making things up, haha.

Commenter 3: NTA.You set boundaries, handled it with compassion, and protected your peace. That’s not selfish it’s healthy. Let the gossipers talk. You chose love, not drama. Enjoy that extended honeymoon you earned it.

Commenter 4: “I’m sorry there was some kind of confusion on your end. We planned to get married on that date, and we had chosen the people we preferred to be with us when we did it. You asked us to cancel it, we did. That doesn’t mean we changed our date or plans to be married, just that we agreed we wouldn’t do it where we wanted it with the people we wanted around us. That’s how these things work.”

Done.

ETA: Congratz and I’m so happy for you two!

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/AlterOfEve

Originally posted to r/CharlotteDobreYouTube

Aunt Of Nephew I’m Babysitting Shames Me For Not Speaking Their First Language

Editor's note: made small edits for ease of readability

Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: verbal abuse, possible xenophobia

Original Post: April 22, 2025

Okay, people of Reddit! I have officially encountered someone that I wonder how they are not embarrassed by their actions! Names are fake.

I have been babysitting this boy, Daniel, for about twice a week for about six or seven hours a day. His mom stays at home and I’m there to keep her son entertained as she cleans or gets to rest for a bit.

Now this family is wonderful. The mother and father treat me like a family member and it’s amazing. Now, I usually arrive at their house after the mom, Maria, calls her family/in-laws. I arrive later in the morning and Maria usually wakes up early to call them because of time difference.

This time, however, Maria gives me her phone, with her mother and father on the other side. She leaves to do work downstairs and Daniel is being entertained by his grandmother and grandfather. I sit beside Daniel, watching over him, and just not butting in.

That phone call goes smoothly. It’s the next phone call that makes me irritated. Maria’s sister, Tiffany, calls. I answer and basically do the same thing. Don’t talk and just watch over Daniel.

Then, out of the blue, she starts talking to me. I’m like, ‘oh, she maybe wants to speak to me because I’m the babysitter’.

I introduce myself and so does she. Daniel starts to fuss and I start to hold him. Now, Maria’s family is bilingual. They speak English and Spanish, so Daniel says some things in Spanish and some things in English.

I know very little Spanish. Best I can do is count to ten. Since babysitting Daniel, I’ve picked up some Spanish but not a lot as I don’t have good memory and don’t practice it outside of their house as nobody in my family speaks Spanish.

Anyway, Tiffany asks if I know any Spanish. I tell her the truth. That I barely know any but I’m starting to pick up some words.

She responds with a laugh and says I will learn Spanish as I go. Which I thought were words of encouragement. Like she was just trying to be helpful. I mean, it wouldn’t be bad if I picked up even a little Spanish. But what’s crazy is the remarks she kept making about me on how I couldn’t speak Spanish.

She was very condescending and spoke to me as if I was lesser than her. She kept speaking to Daniel in Spanish. Which, I don’t care, but it’s the way my name kept popping up when she was speaking to him that didn’t sit right with me. I just knew she was talking crap about me.

Or that’s what my gut feeling said, anyway. Could be wrong, but it felt like she was talking crap about me. Been bullied enough times to know when someone’s talking crap about me even if they’re speaking another language lol.

Anyway, after about an hour of her continuous comments about how I couldn’t speak Spanish and her talking to Daniel, she had to go. When she asked for kisses from Daniel, I feel like I won.

You know why? He started to give kisses to me instead of her. I will let everyone know this. I do kinda have anger issues. I’ve been working on them and I’m proud to say I’m getting better at controlling my anger and I haven’t lashed out at anybody in a year. So when Daniel started to kiss my cheek, even with his aunt trying to tell him ‘no, kiss me, kiss the screen, blow me a kiss’, all the anger that was was simmering and starting to boil vanished. It evaporated.

When she hung up I felt overjoyed. And, honestly, I wish I could’ve given Daniel a medal. He wouldn’t have understood why, of course, but he was a true hero in that scenario.

I honestly thought about telling Maria about what Tiffany was saying to me, but I didn’t. Her family arrives in about two days and I didn’t want to start any drama. I mean, I’m probably never going to see or speak to Tiffany again. And if I do, it’ll be through a phone and only for maybe an hour.

I did the right thing, right? Honestly, the petty in me is saying to tell Maria. But my logic is saying it’s unnecessary. So I’m being good by not telling her, right? I shouldn’t potentially create drama for a little thing like this. Plus, I Daniel got revenge for me lol.

Anyway, thank you for letting me vent this story to you all! Hope you found joy in it!

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: You'd better tell her. The aunt did talk about you, in Spanish, to a child. Just explain that it makes you uncomfortable and that you've already had a bad experience like this and that you don't want it to happen again or you'll no longer be able to look after a little boy who adores you. Think about him too, he shouldn't be exposed to this kind of behavior and think it's normal. He may have kissed you now, but let's not forget that a young child can be impressionable.

OOP: Omg you’re so right. I didn’t even think about that! Thank you!

Commenter 2: Or ask your boss if she would like you to learn more Spanish. Let her know that the aunt was speaking Spanish for about an hour to Daniel, but you couldn't understand much more than your name, which she mentioned several times, and that you suspect by the tone that it might not have been very nice.

OOP: My boss only said I needed to learn few words to understand her son. Like ‘shoes’, ‘help’, ‘water’, etc in Spanish. I don’t need to learn Spanish, it was never a requirement. So, yeah, I’ll tell my boss. I didn’t want to cause an argument, since she’s coming so soon, but she probably will get worse once she gets here.

Commenter 3: Whatever she was saying to Daniel made him love you even more! She was no doubt belittling you and/or telling him not to like you. He knows you and knew what she was saying was very wrong. Even a baby can pick up on bad vibes.

OOP: That’s very true!

Commenter 4: I think you should tell your boss and tell her that you feel uncomfortable with the situation and maybe the sister can call, when she is around and not you.

And tell her that the sister kept talking about you in Spanish and you don’t feel well with the situation.

They hired you as a babysitter, they should not let their relatives bother you.

Update: April 24, 2025 (two days later)

So, hey guys, here with an update. And I got Tiffany in trouble.

Okay, so here’s the tea. I babysat early in the morning again. And Maria had called Tiffany. Maria went downstairs and Tiffany had… started acting out. Again. So, what did I do this time? Well, heh, I might have started screen recording on Maria’s phone…

I thought over the comments the night before I was babysitting again but I decided not to tell Maria unless I had evidence. I mean, they’re family. I also don’t want to lose Maria’s trust by saying Tiffany did something and then Tiffany saying she didn’t and me being let go of the job.

Anyway, after recording and Tiffany hanging up, I start playing with Daniel until he goes downstairs for his nap. Maria and I are alone watching Daniel from the baby monitor as we start making some food.

This is where I drop the bomb. I tell her what Tiffany has been doing. Now, I don’t know much Spanish. So I don’t know what Tiffany had been saying about me. But judging by Maria’s expression as she watched an hours worth of Tiffany being on the phone, I can tell it’s kinda bad.

Maria apologized to me, which I told her she didn’t have to because it wasn’t her fault, but she was insistent on apologizing because, in her words, ‘Tiffany is family. And she shouldn’t have said that to you’.

Anyway, after that, she started calling people. Probably family, as she was speaking fast in Spanish. She sounded upset, rightfully so. She had called multiple people while I watched Daniel on the baby monitor.

I also saw that Tiffany had tried calling Maria a few times only to be ignored.

Tiffany and the rest of Maria’s family will be visiting in like one or two days… so I hope I didn’t start any major conflict but Maria definitely needed to know.

If I find out anything else I’ll update ya’ll!

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Updates when you can please. Also, make sure to record her again cuz you just know she’s gonna go after you when she gets a chance.

OOP: Will do. I will definitely record her again. She’s coming soon as well, which makes me more nervous. I know I won’t likely run into her, but I can’t shake the feeling I will.

Commenter 2: Yay for the win!

Auntie is SOO wrong in many ways, but please take some knowledge from an EAL professional:

Having a NATIVE English L1 speaker spending a good amount of quality time with their bilingual child will only do wonders for his understanding and development of English.

He already has lots of family in his life to teach him their perfect LI Spanish.

I would not be surprised to hear that his parent chose an LI English speaker specifically for that purpose.

Bilingual people recognise the value in immersion in L1 language use to further deepen understanding.

For anyone who doesn't understand:

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THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Throwaway592j1

My [19F] manager [25M] had unlocked my phone and was recording a private video of me and my partner onto his own phone, and I caught him

TRIGGER WARNING: Invasion of privacy, theft of a personal/intimate video, sexism, hostile workplace, workplace sexual harassment, retaliation

MOOD SPOILER: Infuriating

Original Post July 13, 2016

Apologies for any formatting issues as I am on my phone. I'm also sorry if this is the wrong place to post this, but I didn't know where else to go.

I work in a retail store with different departments. This involved the manager of my specific department.

Today, he suggested that he, I and the other colleague working our department go and help out on another department, since we were finished for the time being, and the other department was short staffed. This was nothing new, and happens a lot. We all went down there and worked together for a bit. He disappears; I assume he's just been called elsewhere, and think nothing of it.

I had left my phone to charge in the office, which I haven't done before today. I was running very low though and needed it to last. I did hide it, but I understand it was stupid of me to leave it like that.

I finish what I'm doing before I'm due back, but I head back anyway. I go into the office to check my phone and find my manager with my phone in one hand, his phone in the other. I had approached close enough as he noticed me to see that he had his video recorder running on his phone, but he had managed to close my phone. His hands were shaking violently. For clarification, I didn't know that he knew my password.

I asked why he was on my phone and what the hell he was doing. He claimed he was just taking a picture of my Pokemon on Pokemon GO to send to a friend on snapchat. I then asked why would unlock my phone just for that, why didn't he ask, and why were his hands shaking? He says they aren't shaking, but they are, and really violently.

I unlocked my phone and he had closed the app so it was on the home screen. So I looked at my open apps list, and there, open, was an extremely private video of me and my partner (I don't wish to elaborate, but I hope you can fill in the gaps :/). He had been recording this private video to his own phone.

I freaked out and ran off to the staff area and to the toilets. By this point I was crying hysterically and a manager of another department had seen me run in there. She came to ask if I was okay, what was wrong, I said at the time I couldn't say. She said that was fine, and to go home if I needed to. She suggested I get a drink and some fresh air.

I went outside, and my manager was out there. He pleads with me to talk to him, that he's really sorry, trying to grab me etc etc. I told him to leave me alone and do not touch/talk to me, and walked outside the car park as far as I could without leaving the site. He thankfully didn't follow me. I called my friend to pick me up, went back inside to collect my stuff and left.

I called my boyfriend as soon as he got off work and he urged me to call the store manager and report him. My friend is saying to do this too.

I'm worried about reporting him because I feel like it will destroy my friendships with other colleagues who are also good friends with him, and I don't want to do that, but I also know that I can't go back to work with him anymore. It feels like a lose-lose for me. I like my job, besides what happened today, and I don't want to lose it, but I feel like if I don't leave and report him, I'll be driven out.

I'm sorry this is all so jumbled but my head is a mess. I'm so worried and mortified and upset. He had texted me apologising saying he'd deleted the video he took, but how do I know this? What if he took more than one video? What if he distributes this? That's not only damaging to me, but my poor partner too. What if I let him get away with it, and he ends up doing it to someone else? I can't trust him. I don't know what to do. I feel so violated.

My boyfriend is going as far to suggest police. I don't want to do that. But I have to do something.

Does anybody have any advice on how to go about this? Again, I'm sorry for how jumbled and ridiculous my words may sound but I can't think straight.

Thank you all

Tl;dr: my manager recorded an extremely private video of myself and my partner from my phone. My partner is pushing to me to report but I'm worried about consequences. Going as far as to suggest police. Desperately seeking advice on what steps to take next.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Fitzwilliger

Your partner is right. You should report this, and you should take it to the police.

OOP

    I have read all comments, which lead me to think it best to take it to highest management first, and based on the outcome I will decide whether to take it to the police. I'd like to avoid police if I am able to. But I will if I need to. Thank you very much for your advice

sugr_magnolia

Please call the police. He accessed your phone without your consent (how the fuck did he even get your passcode? I shudder to think) and was not only watching an intimate video of you, but HE WAS FUCKING RECORDING IT!!!!

Management will investigate, sure. But he will have deleted the videos by the time they do. You need to call the police NOW NOW NOW NOW because they will confiscate his phone and be able to recover the videos.

Store management =/= law enforcement. They can't take his phone. They can't search his phone. Law enforcement can. This man is a sexual predator, and I'm sure your coworkers will be able to see this once he's arrested.

~

Kenn_Doll

SAVE THE TEXT FROM HIM ADMITTING WHAT HE DID

OOP

    I have taken a screenshot of it

OOP replying to a deleted Commenter that the stolen videos were for the managers "personal use"

You're right. As far as his intentions go, I would've guessed personal use. I probably should've mentioned this but he had already told me before he finds me attractive, but he seems to find everyone attractive. I hear him laughing with other colleagues about people they see who they find "giggidy" (I know). I always found this quite disgusting and weird especially since he actually has a fiancee, and I have a boyfriend, but I knew it wasn't my place. Another colleague assured me this is just him being him... I thought it better just to let it slide. I thought seeing as he had a fiancee I was pretty safe. I guess not. Should I have seen this sooner? I feel so stupid.

But you're right. I don't trust him, I don't know what he could do. I'll report to the store manager. Thank you for your advice.

Edit; hello everyone, I just woke up and it's the next day. I want to sincerely thank every one of you who commented and gave advice, I am eternally grateful. I have to go to work in about an hour and I am going straight to the store manager and/or HR and reporting this once I get there. Many of you are suggesting I go straight to the police as well and I am strongly considering it, as people have said he may still have traces of the video that I definitely want destroyed. I need to speak to my boyfriend first though because I'm scared of dealing with the police on my own. So far I'm definitely going to be seeing a manager though. I will post an edit at the end of it. Again, my deepest gratitude. I will try to respond to comments when I get some time. You guys are fantastic. Thank you

Update Aug 14, 2016 (1 month later)

Hello everyone. First of all, big apologies for how long overdue this update is. Since the rules limit me for one update only I wanted to have the most full outcome to give you. Thank you all so, so much for your help and support and advice, I didn't expect so many people to respond to me and I really am grateful.

Sadly the outcome isn't so happy. My conclusion from the original post was to go to highest management first and then police if the result wasn't satisfactory, which is what I did.

I went straight to the store manager the morning after my post and was advised to write up and sign a formal grievance, which I did. I then met with two other managers to discuss the details of what happened and any other relevant stuff. They told me they'd talk to the manager in question and any witnesses and get back to me in a week after investigations had taken place. In the meantime, my manager was not allowed to work with me and was told to reschedule all his shifts or work elsewhere.

A week passed and I heard nothing. When I went to find out, apparently due to staff holidays it couldn't be completed in time. I asked how much longer and was told a week. I felt this was too long and was really restless by this point already and so my boyfriend came with me to speak to the police.

We explained the situation and my details were taken down and then we met with a sergeant. To summarise, she told us that in the UK there is no specific law against accessing someone's private phone/recording off someone's private phone without permission. As such, they are unable to search his phone as no arrests can be made. The only thing they could do was go to his house and explain it had been reported and that if he ever distributed it he would be arrested, which they did, and he LIED TO THE POLICE and said he hadn't done anything. Sadly, they said there was nothing more they could do.

The internal investigation then concluded and I was told my manager had denied everything, made up a false excuse for the apology text he sent me and basically called me a liar. They told me that there is no CCTV where it happened and nobody who was in the area at the time saw anything (no shit, they were the complete opposite end of the room, as I had already explained). They tried to say they weren't taking sides, but to be honest it seemed like they were. They're moving ME from the department instead of him, because moving him is "harder". I really enjoyed my job and now basically I have to suffer because my manager is a disgusting liar. They don't seem to care how serious this is. I ended up almost crying when they legitimately said "maybe you didn't see anything at all". I feel like they're accusing me of lying and imagining it, even though one of the managers involved was the one that caught me in the corridor bawling my eyes out.

I really wish I could've given a happy update. I'm so upset that I have to move and give up something I enjoy when he gets off without even a slap on the wrist, goes on knowing he can probably do this again to someone else and carry on being the scumbag he is, not to mention, he might still have the videos. He may have distributed them already but how the hell would I know. I have no idea what to do now. The police say nothing else can be done. If anyone has any legal advice around this issue within the UK law then I would be very very grateful for that.

Sorry for the length, and if it's worded badly. Again, thank you all for your advice. I'm sorry this was a bad update.

tl;dr: Went to higher management and police about how I caught my manager recording a private video from my phone to his phone. He lied to both; management say not enough evidence to do anything, he gets to keep his job but I have to lose mine. Police say nothing can be done due to no UK law surrounding the subject.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Bilk_Ozbi

Wow, that is such shit. Have you thought about going to a lawyer or going to the media?

"maybe you didn't see anything at all" This makes me fucking sick.

Also, even though you're in the UK, /r/legaladvice still may be able to help.

OOP

    I'd rather not go to the media due to the sensitive nature of the subject, to be honest. As for a lawyer, I have no experience with lawyers or anything like it so I wouldn't know where to begin, and I don't know if I could afford one. Crossing this over to /r/legaladvice / /r/legaladviceuk sounds like a good idea. Thank you

~

FECAL_BURNING

I don't know how it is in UK law, but because of the differences between the word "sorry" in the commonwealths vs the states, ("Sorry" in the USA is an admission of guilt, whereas "Sorry" in Canada is also more commonly used as a "funeral sorry") it may not be admissible as an apology.

tgrdem

    Yes, but he told her he deleted the video in one of these texts. That's pretty convincing.

OOP

        He told the managers that the reference in his text to deleting something was about something completely different - iirc, he made out like he was going to send a text to someone regarding my wellbeing or something. He made like I had confided something that I didn't want other people knowing and was mad he was going to tell other people. By the looks of it, they believed him.

~

Giant_Sucking_Sound

I know, it sucks because the guy always and in all cases deserves the benefit of the doubt. /s

KA1N3R

    Honestly, People almost always take the side of someone who has a higher-rank and/or they know for a longer amount of time.

    Sadly, there doesn't seem to be any evidence to help OP.

OOP

        They actually said they were moving me instead of him because it was harder to move someone of a higher position, he's "needed" and they'd have to reduce his pay, which would be "unfair on him"

~

[deleted]

That's such bullshit, a phone might be a telecommunications device but these days it's also a personal computer and unauthorised access of a computer is a crime under the Computer Misuse Act in the UK. There's bound to be something they can do!

OOP

    The sergeant did say that she thought it was ridiculous it wasn't specifically outlawed, but of course she has to abide to the book :/ It might be worth mentioning the Misuse Act

OOP added more to a similar comment

    The police have told me to come straight away if I ever found it had been distributed. It's been reported so they said they'd react to it quickly. I have considered asking his fiancee to check his phone but I want to avoid dragging innocent parties in if I can. But it may be necessary. Thank you so much. I'm really grateful. I've applied for other jobs, I'm hoping I'll hear back.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

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